My B-Cat Died

I had to put down Black Cat yesterday. His kidneys just wouldn't start working again. Oh my God, I went to see him yesterday; I spent about an hour with him. When I started petting him and talking to him he started to purr. That's when I broke down crying. He was so thin and weak. He wanted to get out of his kennel, so I picked him up and let him walk around for awhile. I just cried and cried and cried; I couldn't stop. I feel like I cried all day yesterday. My face was so swollen. Sally called me last night and asked if I wanted to go out and eat dinner with her. I took a look at myself in the mirror and I looked like I was carrying luggage underneath my eyes and my eyelids were swollen too. Oh shit, I don't know how much more tragedy I can take.


What Freaked Me Out Last Night

I feel:: sick
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~Razor Blade

Ok, first of all, Laney,Anita,Sally, and I went to see Dope last night at Juanita's. Sally had to go to her classes after work yesterday, so she got there late, but she did get to see all of Dope. The first band was Zug Island, they were from Detroit. I didn't care for them too much. They were ok, just not very polished. They sounded like a garage band from high school. Well, Dope was better. I went up front with Lanie and she was taking pictures. We were right in the front row. Of course, the crowd wasn't very big, so it wasn't that hard to get to the front. The guys in Dope are kind of freaky, well, the guys from Zug Island were pretty freaky too. We hung out at Juanita's for a little while after the show was over. They didn't play very long. It was only like 10 till 11 when they stopped playing. So, we had some drinks and just talked and stuff.

Sally left and Jesse left. Anita, Laney, Nick and I went to Midtown to hang out and have some more drinks. The guys from both bands were over there and I watched them hang out and be all crazy and everything. They just wanted to get laid mainly. They would hang out with one girl and then she would leave and another girl would take her place. I thought about hanging out with them, but I didn't want to be just another notch in someone's belt. I don't get on well with men who just want to get laid. I find that extremely shallow. I don't care if they are famous. Well, Anita was hanging out with Nick, which I thought was weird, because Anita is in her fifties and Nick is 24. Ummmm that was so weird to me. Well, Anita introduced me to this friend of hers named Juan. He is from Venezuela which was cool with me because I speak Spanish and I thought he was cute. He kissed the top of my hand and asked me if I wanted to sit down. He bought me a drink and we sat and talked for awhile. He eventually invited me back to his apt. He said that he was going to cook me breakfast. I told him right after he asked me over that I wasn't going to have sex with him if I went over to his apt. He looked at me all incredulous and was all,"Why not? Are you a born-again Christian or something?" I was all,"Yeah. I'm not going to have sex again until I get married. That's just the way that I prefer to be." So, he wigged out on me and actually got up from the table and left for several minutes. Well, he eventually came back to the table and was all,"I've decided that I'm ok with that." I was like,"Well, that's good to know." That was a very sarcastic comment, but I think that my sarcasm was lost on him. So, eventually we left and I followed him to his apt. On the way there, I was thinking about what this situation could turn out to be. I've been raped several times and I thought that if things start to get dicey that I would just leave. So, I was pretty nervous. We finally got to his apt and he was all,"I don't really live here. I'm watching this place for my cousin because she's out of town. I have a really big house on Chenal." I was like,"Whatever." I thought to myself,"Yeah right, you have a big, nice house on Chenal, but you drive a busted up old Oldsmobile with no tags." So, I was like, "Are you going to cook me breakfast or what?" He was all,"Yeah, baby! Yeah, what do you want? Do you want a chicken pot pie?" I was all,"A chicken pot pie? I thought you were going to cook for me?" He was all, "These are really good." So, whatever, I was really freakin hungry so I was all sure. So, he put the thing in the oven and then made drinks. He said they were Cosmopolitans. Whatever they were they were pretty nasty. Too much vodka in them.

So, I think he thought he was getting me drunk. He proceeds to tell me that I needed to get comfortable. Like take my boots off and my corset off and such. I wasn't complaining about taking my boots off. Those things have 6 inch platforms on them and after awhile start to hurt, but I was not about to get myself undressed. So he's complaining about me not being comfortable and sat himself down on the sofa beside me. We kissed a litte and he started getting all handsy and I was like, "Don't do that."

He was all,"Why I just want to pleasure you." I was like,"Well, I appreciate the sentiment but you can find some other way to please me." Then he was all trying to give me a back massage and asked me to take off my clothes, I was like,"Well, if you were a good enough masseuse, I wouldn't need to take off my clothes." So, he kept on and on ad nauseum about me getting naked. Finally, I got mad and was going to leave and he was like,"Why are you mad, baby? Why are you leaving?" I said,"I'm mad because I already told you what was and was not going to happen here tonight and I don't appreciate you constantly badgering me to do something that I already told you that I wasn't going to do." He's all,"I don't need to have sex with you. I had sex two days ago. I'm a sexually satisfied man. I don't understand why you don't want me to see your body. I don't go out with women based only on their looks. I used to party with Shakira and believe me she is hot, so I want you to know that I don't like you for the way that you look." So, I'm thinking this is supposed to make me not mad at you? Ok, so we sit back down on the sofa and start talking. He says to me,"You are so beautiful. You are like a fairy tale. I don't think you realize how beautiful you are. You remind me of this woman I know who lives in Spain and is from Venezuela. She is a musician and so talented. She has the same hair as you only her's is dark and you are both chubby." I caught that, but I didn't say anything. Then, several moments later he asks me if I'm Jewish, I say,"No, I already told you that I'm a Christian" He said,"Oh, I just ask because you have the big nose and all." I'm thinking what the fuck is he trying to do? The insults keep on and on and he said them in such a casual way that I think he didn't think that I noticed. He must have thought all of my brains had leaked into my boobs. I don't know why I didn't leave right then. I guess I'm a glutton for abuse.

Well, long story short (too late), he kept on and on and on trying to get me to get naked. I knew that he was thinking that once I took my clothes off and he got me in a compromising situation that I would change my mind about having sex with him. We had moved to the bedroom and he was all,"Take you clothes off. Get comfortable. I want to give you a back massage." I as like,"No, I already told you that I wasn't going to do that." He put his arm over me as I was trying to get up and pushed me back down on the bed and I started to freak out. This has happened to me before. So I try to sit up again and he pushes me down again, so I take his arm and forcefully push him off the bed onto the floor.I walked out of the bedroom while he was collecting himself from off the floor and I was all,"I'm leaving." and he was like,"Why are you mad?" (Clueless piece of shit) I was putting on my boots and he was like,"Why are you leaving? You are just going to leave?" I was like,"Yeah." He was like,"Why do you not want me to see your body?" I said,"I don't have to justify what I do or don't do to you. And if you don't understand my reasons for the things I do that 's too bad. It's my way or no way." He said,"Ohhhh miss Psychology major has body issues. You are so immature and you are such joke. You will never make anything of yourself. You are so insecure and rude." He kept on and on insulting me while I was putting my boots on and I walked out the door and he stood on the landing of his apt calling down insults to me the whole time I was walking to my car.

I started driving home and I was thinking about everything that he had said and it just really hit me hard. It's like he knew just what to say to me in order to make me really hurt. I cried and cried and started hearing those old voices again, dammit. They were telling me to cut myself and to kill myself. I guess everything has been pretty bad lately and I was just vulnerable last night. I mean, I don't think I deserve to be attacked and verbally and emotionally abused by some dickhead who is throwing a temper tantrum just because he can't get some poonanny when he wants it. I know emotional and verbal abuse when it is inflicted upon me, I've had enough of it to be familiar with how it makes me feel. I just keep blaming myself for last night. Am I a stupid cunt for going over there and putting up with all of that bullshit? I never should have left with him in the first place. Now, I feel like I'm just a piece of shit whose only purpose in life is to provide sex and to be some sort of arm trophy. Do men take a class on how to hurt women? Geeze. Ok, I am a stupid girl for doing that. At least I stood my ground and got out of there before things got out of hand, because they would have if I had not left when I did.

So, that's why I posted what I did on my last post.


Sever Tender Flesh

I want to cut myself so fucking bad right now.

I want to die.


Don't Cry...

I feel:: angry
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Evanescence~Bring Me To Life

Ok, I have to take my dad to his dr. appt. in like 4 hours. I came home tonight at nine and slept until 11:30. I'm so awake right now. I think I'll make some coffee at around 4pm so I won't be a total zombie.

So, yeah, my moods are all over the place today. I went to the last showing of a movie ever at the historic Cinema 150 here in Little Rock. It's for sale now, but not as a theater. That's a shame because that theater is so unique. I've never seen another like it. Anyway, I went to the 4pm showing with Marcia, her brother Dan, Dan's friend Josh and Josh's gf, and another girl whose name I can't remember just now. I was supposed to go back for the 10pm showing, which was when the people from the Evboard were supposed to be there. I got all dressed up for a night out. After the 4pm showing, Marcia and those with her went to eat at Taco Bell. I don't eat at Taco Bell because it's nasty, so I went to eat at Jason's Deli. I was going to go eat at my fave coffee shop, but they were closed on account of it being Memorial Day and all.

So, on my way back to the theater to meet the group, I suddenly just didn't want to go. I got really really depressed and developed this splitting, nauseating headache. And I got super angry. I felt like if anyone spoke to me that I would just go off on them mercilessly. So, I bailed on everyone and came home and went straight to bed. My dad spoke to me and asked me why I was home so early and I told him that I had a bad headache and, as usual, I had to fucking repeat myself because he doesn't ever listen to me. So, I said, with a little too much venom,"I HAVE A BAD HEADACHE." I frowned at him and went to my room and shut the door rather hard. I'm sure he has no clue what was going on.

He came into my room earlier today when I was on the computer and told me when I take Black Cat to the vet later on today that I wasn't to commit us to any large sums of money in the effort to save his life because he was going to use his VISA card to buy awnings for the house. WTF???!!!!!! So, I guess I'm just supposed to let my cat die so he can have his fucking awnings. I don't think so. I'm not taking him back to the vet in Benton as they are complete idiots. I'm taking him to where I take my other two cats, Green Mountain Animal Hospital.

I played out a scene in my mind earlier while I was lying in bed trying to sleep in which I confronted that imbecilic doctor who failed to notice the huge mass in the abdomen of my cat and who failed to call me like he said he would when Black Cat's bloodwork came in to let me know that he was in renal failure. In my scenario, I pushed him into his office and got right up into his personal space and spoke to him very quietly about God and how even though God says that I have to forgive him for hurting me and my cat, that he will never be off God's hook. That he will have to stand before God at the Great White Throne Judgement and tell Him why he let an innocent animal suffer needlessly for 6 days. I told him that I would rather face my anger than God's anger and then I told him about the scripture in which Jesus says,"Whatever you do to the least of these, you have also done to Me." In my scenario, I intimidated the shit out of that fucking dr. In reality, I probably won't confront him at all. I'll probably just switch docs and leave it at that.


I'm So Fucking Stressed

I feel:: crazy
The voices in my head are at it again. It's too loud to think properly.

Black Cat is in the Emergency Vet Hospital and last night when I took him there, they did a radiograph and they found this huge mass in his abdomen. The lady vet said she thinks it's probably cancer on acct. of his age. Fucking great. I cried so much yesterday. So, I told them to put him on iv fluids and flush out his kidneys until I could get him to his regular vet and find out what the fuck that mass is. He is in renal failure that's why he got so sick. I want to know why no one at his regular vet ever mentioned anything about a mass in his stomach that is as big as fucking kiwi fruit. God damnit, I'm so fucking pissed off at them right now. The god damn vet didn't even call me when his fucking lab work came in. His regular vet said that he thought that mass was a hardened stool. If I had known he was in fucking renal failure I could have done something sooner instead of letting him suffer for like 6 days. I feel so bad about that. Like I should have known what was wrong with him. So, on Tuesday morning I have to go and get him at 7am. The thing is, I also have to take my dad to his dr. appt. at 6:30, then go to Maumelle, get Black Cat, take him back to Benton, talk to the vet there, go back to Little Rock, get dad from his dr. appt., then go back to the fucking vet in Benton. He needs a biopsy on that mass. I think the mass is what is causing the renal failure and if the mass is removed, his kidneys might start working again.

Sally and Tanya wanted to do something with me tonight, but I'm so stressed and depressed that I can't even leave the house. I feel so brittle, like I'm about to fall apart. I need a god damn drink. I need to relax. I've been shaking all day, I can't control it. Fucking blood sugar is out of whack because of the stress. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I guess I was always crazy on the inside, now it's on the outside.
Hahahahahaha it is to laugh. I can't even eat. I'm so freakin nauseous. I'M FUCKING FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think there are enough curse words in the world to describe what I'm feeling right now.

And to make matters worse I fucking miss Erik. Fucker. Sometimes, I wish I'd never met him.


Water, Food, Water, Food, Water

I feel:: lonely
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Living Sacrifice~Hidden

I've been force feeding Black Cat food and water all day. I had to take him back to the vet today to get a shot for nausea because he kept vomiting all of the food I gave him. I also got some potassium tablets to give him and some nausea pills for when the nausea shot wears off. My dad finally started helping me feed him and give him water. He just freaking dissappeared and left it all to me. I can't believe he did that. It's like he only wants to have a pet when they are not any trouble. When, they get sick, I guess he thinks they are too much of a pain in the ass to bother with. That pisses me off. He actually thanked me earlier for taking care of him. I said,"Well, there's nothing else to do but to just do it, if you want him to live." He asked me earlier if I stayed up all night giving him water every hour and food every two because he asked me why I was giving him water and food so often. I told him that that is what the vet said to do. He asked me if I stayed up all night last night doing it. I was all,"Yeah, I stayed up until 5:30 this morning." I don't think he realized that Black Cat was so sick until I told him that. He really pisses me off sometimes. So, now I feel like I'm chained to the house. I can't go anywhere because Black Cat has to have food every two hours and water every hour. Not his fault at all, but I'm getting serious cabin fever. Marcia is coming over tomorrow to hang out with me, thank God. I've been sitting at my comp every day for most of the days recently and I need to get up off my ass and go work out and just go and do things. I'm starting to be a recluse.


Update On Black Cat

I feel:: hopeful
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~James

I took Black Cat to the vet today and he has lost 4 lbs in the past three days. It's a good thing he was fat, or else he'd be dead now. The vet drew some blood and said that he was going to send it to the lab to be analyzed. He said that it looked really thick for cat's blood. He said that was probably because he is so dehydrated. The vet also said that he has some hard stools in his lower intestine that are causing him pain, so they gave him a stool softener. The vet said for me to force feed him water every 45 minutes and food every 2 hours. He said to go and get baby food to feed him and to use a syringe like you would to give medicine to a baby. So, I went to WalMart and got two different kinds of baby syringes, but they didn't have any baby food there, so I went to Harvest Foods and bought like 5 or 6 bottles of baby food. When I got home, I gave him 2Tbs of food and 2Tbs of water. He took it pretty well, he was irritated with me fooling with him and stuff, but he was purring at the end of it, so I don't think he's too upset with me. Looks like I'm going to be staying in this weekend taking care of him, because my dad can't do it. He doesn't have the patience.


My B-Cat Is Dying

I feel:: depressed
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: RA~Walking And Thinking

I'm depressed. I'm sad. I think my Black Cat is dying. He hasn't eaten at all for two days. He won't eat. He drinks a lot of water and that's it.

I've been recording cd's into my Sonic Stage jukbox all day.

I feel like I'm going to cry. I just hate everything today. I hate myself mostly. I just want to crawl into a dark hole and die. I should never leave my house again. I shouldn't expose others to my ugliness. The world is ugly enough without me.

Kitties, Pimp 'N Ho Ball, My Birthday

I feel:: sick

Sally got me a birthday present of some underwear from Victoria's Secret, some sugared body scrub from Origins and the newest Sevendust cd. Pretty cool.

I'm worried about my cats. First it was only Black Cat that was acting sick and now Silver is too. Black Cat vomited up a whole lot of clear liquid last night and it smelled like bile. Afterwards, he drank water for like 15 minutes, then my dad let him outside and he found some more water to drink. I'm worried that his kidneys are giving out on him. But I have no idea why Silver is acting like she doesn't feel well. Little Bit is the only one who is acting normally.


The Matrix Reloaded

I feel:: drained

Marcia, Dan, Josh, Nelson and I went to see the Matrix Reloaded tonight. Thanks to our waiter being slower than molasses at Christmas, we arrived at the theater after the movie had started. It was completely packed, so we had to sit in the VERY front row. I got motion sick from being so close to the 3 story screen and got quite a headache and a crick in my neck. What I saw of the movie was great. Marcia and I are going back to see it again on Sunday and this time, we will sit in the very back row! Thanks to Dan for buying my ticket! I'll have to remember to pay him back the next time I see him.

Lanie got two tix to the PimpnHo Ball tomorrow night and invited me to go with her. I'm so excited and my shoes are in! Yeah! I've got to find an outfit to wear tomorrow night! I foresee a shopping trip in my very near future! We haven't decided yet who's going to be the Pimp and who's going to be the Ho.

I'm off to bedfordshire.



I feel:: confused

Last week when I was trying to finish my Algebra I rented some movies on Pay Per View, I didn't realized how many. Well, we just got the bill for the month and I rented like 10 last month. My dad was all,"Don't rent anymore movies, EVER." Oopsie!

I'm really bored now that school is out. I need to find a hobby or something. I also can't wait to start guitar lessons. I need to find some place that teaches Pilates AND Yoga. It does wonders for my back.
Well, Saturday night was kind of weird. Besides getting soaked seeing Saliva, which was kind of fun. I haven't done that since I was a teenager. Lanie and I went to Midtown after we came back to my house to dry off and change. We ran into Allan, who is the ex bf of this girl that I used to know named Jessica. Jessica brings back very bad memories. Long story. Short version is that I spent 1500 dollars to bail her out of jail on 3 felony child endangerment charges; she jumped bail and shacked up with Allan; her bailbondsman called me at work one day and demanded the rest of the bond money or for me to tell him where she was. I told him to drive his butt down here and I would take him to where she was. Well, I found out later that Jessica was pregnant with Allan's baby; she gave birth while in prison(she did a year I think). Well,at Midtown, Allan didn't recognize me until we had been there for awhile. Then, when he does, he comes over and starts talking to me. Then, he practically sits in my lap. He starts making suggestive comments; sexual comments, like,"So, do you speak Spanish or English during sex?" He went on to ask me all sorts of things and wound up on the topic of pyrex sex toys. (Allan has said ever since I met him when he was dating Jessica that he knows me from back in my high school days, but I don't remember him.)

Well, we closed down Midtown and went to Waffle House. The whole time, Allan is going on and on and on.... ad nauseum about how much money he makes at his new job and how he's already up for this big promotion and all. Then, he tells me that last Wednesday he caught his wife of three years cheating on him. He said that he moved back in with his mother and let his wife have the house and the truck. So, I'm thinking,"What the fuck is he telling me all of this for?" He asked me out of the blue what I wanted for my birthday and that it should be something creative because he doesn't give uncreative birthday presents. I was all,"I don't want a birthday present from you." That just freaks me out that he was all hitting on me. Lanie said that he was hitting on her too, which doesn't surprise me. I saw him trying to get his mack on with this girl named Kinzie who used to be one of Jessica's friends and who stole 200 dollars out of my wallet. She's a crack ho, I can't stand her simply because she stole that money from me. So, I guess Allan thinks I'm like her, I don't know. I know that he really, really likes to date strippers. Jessica was one and so is Kinzie, but I'm not. I guess what really freaked me out more was that seeing him brought back bad memories of Jessica. Doesn't he know about the cardinal rule that you can't date your ex's roomates?


Arrogant And Ignorant

I feel:: aggravated

So, I was posting on this message board called Sanctuary. It's a Christian site. I now realize more fully than ever why I don't have many Christian friends and why I don't go to church that much. I find most Christians to be sadly lacking in the intelligence category. Under the guise of "blind faith", they refuse to use the brain that God gave them. Instead, they hang on tightly to traditions made by flawed men and reject the Lord of Glory. Instead of loving their neighbor, as the scripture says to do, they point fingers and love to accuse others of heresy. They are like sharks who go into a feeding frenzy at the first scent of blood. I will not stand by idly while someone who has been a Christian less than a year and who is sitting under a teaching that is widely known by intelligent people as cultic, and let him tell me that the reason that I experienced the tragedy of my whole life being filled with sexual abuse is the result of the consequences of sin that I've sown. I will not sit idly by and let ignorant Christians tell me that because I have friends who aren't Christians that I am not living my life according to the standards of Christ. If I were to hang out only with people who were Christians, I would be missing out on knowing some very good people and I would not have learned any sort of compassion for others. Jesus told us to go out into the world to spread the gospel of His reconciling all people to God through Himself. He did not say to ram it down people's throats. He did not say to sit comfortably in our churches and let the world come to us. What He did say is that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all of your heart, soul, and mind; the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. What I see in the Body of Christ now is that this is not happening and I'm sick and disgusted with it, but I don't have the patience to keep explaining to closed minded, arrogant shitwits that they need to stop pointing fingers at me, accusing me of turning away from Christ, when they need to get right with God themselves. I realize that this is not the right attitude to take, but I am not perfect. I can be forgiven for my egregious errors,however, by Christ. God can love those type of people and I will leave them to Him, because I loathe them.


Never Ask Your Hard Drive If It Would Like Some Coffee

I feel:: accomplished

Coffee does not improve the function of hard drives. I found that out yesterday when I spilt coffee on my comp. I had to go and buy a new one today and reinstall everything that was on my old one. I only have one more thing to do if the customer service rep at direcway will email me my damn username and password for the software upgrade.

Well, I was supposed to have my Algebra finished by Friday and yesterday when I fried my hard drive, I cried for like 2 hours after I did it. I felt so stupid and clumsy. I was freaking out bc I knew that I would not be able to finish my Algebra and I have to finish it all before I can qualify to take the final. I talked to my Algebra prof. and told him what happened. He said that he will give me until Tuesday to finish it. I'm going up to his office tomorrow to talk and go over my assessments. He's going to show me how I messed up on my assessments so that I can do better on the next one. He said that he was going to reset the assessment for me.

I can't wait to get the last of my finals over with. I'm going to take guitar lessons this summer and I plan to go to Cornerstone. I hope that Marcia and her brother Dan will go with me. I don't want to go by myself.