God, I Feel Repulsive

I feel:: bitchy

I feel fat today. I hate it when I feel like this. I'm not even going to weigh myself because I know I'll be disappointed. I don't feel attractive AT ALL. I hate my double chin and my belly and my thighs. I ate a bunch of poptarts last night because I was craving sweets. Yeah, I kicked my own ass.


So, I Had This Dream...

I had the WEIRDEST dream last night. I dreamt, first of all, that I was a part of some weird superhero team that was made up of only women. I think there were four of us. We could change into other forms when we had to disguise ourselves. One girl changed into an alligator, one changed into some kind of parasite that rode on the back of the alligator, one changed into a wolf, and I can't remember what the other one changed into. Well, we all changed and were going down this residential street to a white house. The door was unlocked so we went inside and changed back into our human forms. In the foyer, there was standing water in the floor, but when you put your foot or hand in it, it turned to blood and started to go down a drain, counterclockwise. The drain and the blood disappeared when you took your hand or foot away from the water. There were stairs on the other side of the standing water and we all went up them. Upstairs there was a huge wooden table with tons and tons of old books on it. To the right of the table there was a doorway which led into something like a bedroom, but there was no bed in there. It was like a junk room. There were purses and umbrellas and more books, a bookcase and another door in there. I remember picking up a purse in there that I thought I had lost and I thought that it was weird that my purse would be there. So, we all went through the other door and we were attacked by these weird people and tied up and left in a sort of meat locker type place. Some time later, a big woman with a lot of facial hair came to get me. She took me into a living room area and suddenly I looked down at myself and I was wearing a baby doll dress and black patent leather shoes with frilly socks. My hair was dirty and stringy and hanging in my face and I couldn't look up for some reason. The big woman kept talking to me and asking me questions to which I would answer,"Yes m'am." My speech was very slurred and I couldn't speak very loudly. I remember another person to my left sitting on the couch doing some painful things to me, but I sort of made myself go somewhere else in my mind so that I wouldn't feel the pain. Most of the time, I think I was pretty zoned out, but I remember thinking the whole time that I have to keep this game up so that they think I'm all drugged up and zoned out so that I can escape. At the end of my dream, the big woman took me into another room to change my clothes and somehow the next thing that happened was that she was lying on her stomach and I was giving her a back massage. Then, I started to strangle her and then, I was lying on my back with my legs wrapped around her and I stabbed her in the neck with a pair of scissors. I went to look for my friends, but they were all dead. I had been in the house for something like 20 years. That's all I remember about the dream. It was pretty freakin' weird.



I feel:: depressed

I'm depressed, shaking, tired, cramping, bitchy. I wish all this shit would just go away. I guess I should take my meds now.



I feel:: groggy

I had a breakdown today. After I finished typing my lj entry this morning. I went to lie down in my room and my muscles all over my body started to spasm involuntarily. It kept getting worse and worse. I had a doctor's appt. today at 2:15, but I couldn't find a ride. I didn't think I could drive because I was shaking so badly. So, I went into the living room and asked my dad in between sobs and shaking if he could drive me to my doctor's appt. He said that we should go right then, so we did. I was shaking so bad that I couldn't hold anything. My whole body was spasming. It was really scary. I went to the doc and he said that I should get some counseling and he gave me some meds to take at night. He called them "serene pills". I took one when I got home this afternoon and it knocked me out for like 4 hours or so. I'm still feeling dopey. My dad said that I should not go back to school this semester because that is the main thing that is causing all of this stress. He said for me not to worry about the grades or anything. He also said that I could take a break this summer from classes. I'm so glad. Hopefully, I can get my stuff together this summer and start back to school in the fall. I'm still spasming a bit. My stomach muscles will spasm involuntarily occasionally.

Just Breathe

I feel:: sick

I can't breathe. I cannot breathe. I've spent the last 45 minutes coughing and shaking and trying to breathe. I'm going to the doctor today to find out why my lips are blue all the time. Tanya told me yesterday that they've been like that for like a year. !!!!!! I'm also going to ask him about upping my Prozac. I don't feel like I'm functioning very well. I'm pretty manic. I have these really high highs and really low lows, like really fast. Last night, I drove Tanya home and I was all happy. Then, after I dropped her off and started driving home, I felt like I was going to cry. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Maybe I was always like this, and I just haven't noticed it before. I'm pretty depressed this morning. It's going to be hard for me to actually get out of the house and go to Spanish. Every time I get up and walk around, I start coughing and have to stop what I'm doing. Dammit. I miss Erik.



I feel:: enraged
There's no music. Just the voices in my head arguing with each other.

I have been trying to finish up my research paper for Psych. class but I can't finish it all
tonight. I realize that I'm going to have points deducted from it for being late, but that's all I can do. I'm so disgusted with myself right now. I'm depressed. I didn't go to Spanish again today because I just couldn't leave the house. I'm not sure why I felt like I couldn't. I just did. I did manage to get out and go to physical therapy today and my back is screaming in pain right now. I've had way too much coffee and I doubt I'll be able to get much sleep tonight. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck I'm going to have to get my Prozac upped. Again. I feel like I could break into a hysterical fit of crying right now. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Erik Actually Went To Church With Me

I feel:: loved

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!! My love went to church with me this morning. I felt so special. After that, I went to my aunt's house to eat lunch with the rest of my family. I didn't do much else today. I'm worried about Emily and Cordi and Gabe. *prays* I can't stand it when my friends are unhappy. I know it's inevitable, but I wish there were something I could do about it. Well, I'm sleepy. I'm off to bed.


I Feel Sad and Foolish For Feeling Sad

I feel:: crushed

My dad came in from drinking at the VFW and he said that he stopped outside to talk to the lady and her kids across the street and they told him that they wanted to invite a friend to church on Easter Sunday and he said,"If I don't go to church with you will I still be your friend?" He said that she was kind of put off by that, but he probably meant to offend her. I said,"I was kind of hoping that you would go with me." He said,"Why should I break my habit and besides, I don't have a suit." The look on his face saidd that he would rather scrape his back with barbed wire. I was really hoping that he would go with me. It's not the fact that he's not going to church with me that disappoints me. It's the fact that he doesn't want to be with me on a day that is special to me. It kind of makes me feel like I'm not special to him. I guess I know that's not true, but sometimes I can't help the way I feel. He hurt my feelings, but I can't tell him that he did because he would just think that I'm foolish and I sort of feel foolish for being hurt.


I feel:: ditzy

It's way too early. I fell asleep at 7:30 last night and woke up when my alarm went off this morning at 5:30. How's that for a snap? (short nap) I bought Brother Bear when I was at Wally World the other day. My favorite are the Bob and Doug McKenzie mooses (? moose, meese?). I keep having asthma attacks because of my allergies, which sucks a big one. Yesterday, it lasted for 3 hours. Yay. When I was at WalMart with Tanya the other night, she said my lips looked kind of blue. Lipstick? Who needs lipstick when your lips are already blue?

I have to get ready to go to Spanish.


I Still Have My Hair

I feel:: depressed
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: a song from the soundtrack to Chicago

I went out on Saturday night to see Dust For Life with Erin and we went to Lainie's afterward and as I was leaning against her counter in the kitchen, my hair caught on fire from a candle behind me that I didn't realize was there. The smell was terrible, but not much of it burned. It was kind of scary though. Other than that, I had a good time.

I guess when it rains it pours, last night, as I was eating dinner, I bit my tongue so hard that it bled. I went to look at it and there's a huge chunk gone from it. I was going to go out to see Dawn of the Dead last night with Gabe and the group, but I couldn't get my tongue to stop bleeding. When it finally did stop, it hurt so bad that I couldn't concentrate on anything else. Today, it's so swollen that I can't eat. I had a quiz in Spanish today, but I didn't go. I couldn't make myself get up in time. So, yeah, I'm a little depressed today. I guess I shouldn't have drunk that wine on Saturday night. It seems like everytime I drink, I get depressed for a couple of days despite the Prozac. There's a chance for me to make up one of my absences in Spanish this afternoon at 3:30 if I go and see the Spanish project puppets, but I don't know if I'm going to go.

I feel bad about standing up Gabe and everyone. I hope you are not mad at me, Gabe. I'm tired today. I ate too much sugar yesterday. Dad went to Krispy Kreme and got a bunch of doughnuts and my blood sugar is still messed up. I'm shaking now, even though I've eaten twice today.



I feel:: loved

Ever spent 8 hours of quality time with the one you love? It's absolutely amazing!