I feel:: infuriated
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~Amazing

I just took an Algebra assessement and I totally fucked up. I bumped myself BACK about 20%. Oh, I have to have ALL OF THIS FUCKING SHIT FINISHED BY MONDAY AND I HAVE TO STUDY FOR MY FUCKING FINALS!! FUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!
I'm so stressed out. I just want to die. I'm so depressed. I am so GODDAMNED TIRED OF TAKING THIS FUCKING CLASS!!!!! I am so tempted just to slit my goddamned arms open and just fucking get it over with. At least I wouldn't bitch so much then.


School Is Almost Over!!

I feel:: sick

I haven't been writing on here much lately. I have been trying to finish the semester at school and still keep my sanity. It seems that not only do the profs pile on the work at the end of the semester, each one seems to think that their class is my only class. I have two more papers to write this week for Fine Arts class. I have to finish my Algebra and take the final. I also have to finish my Spanish online lab manual and workbook before next Wednesday. I... think... I'm .... gonna .... die. If I'm not a complete basket case by next week, I'll be lucky. I am getting my hair colored on Tuesday, which is good. I've got mondo new growth. I found out yesterday from my advisor that I only have to take one more History class. I thought I had to take two. That's cool, one less class to take. I looked at all of the classes that I'll need to graduate with both degrees and it looks like it'll be in May of 2006. Right around my bday... happy bday to me! I don't know what I should do after that. I could go to Med school, or I could go to graduate school. Assuming that I can get a high enough score on the MCAT to even get into med school. Either way, I won't be completely finished with my schooling until I'm like 40. That's 7 more years of school. Oh well, I guess I'll just take it day by day.

I finally got some allergy medicine that works. I have my old sinus problems again, though. Whenever I wake up they hurt so bad. But at least I can actually go outside without dying now. I'm actually excited that it's spring time.


My heart ripped out again and it was so deliciously painful.

I feel:: indescribable
What song is on a loop right now:: Blue October~Amazing

I just got back from seeing Blue October and I cried like a baby during "Amazing", "Quiet Mind"(I think that's the name of the song.), and the last number they did during their encore really got me. He always reaches inside of me and grabs my heart.... I feel like I can't breathe. He searches until he finds my weakness and he pulls it out of me. It is so painful and so delicious at the same time. He makes me think a lot about my life and about my influence on others. God, I feel like I've been at church. Let me just say that this was on my mind during the drive home.

We all want to be loved.
We all want to be accepted for who we are.
We want to hide the ugly things about ourselves because those things aren't loveable. They make us unworthy. Don't they?
Pain can be beautiful.
I don't ever want to not feel. I don't ever want to shut myself down emotionally again. The bad emotions as well as the good ones are beautiful and they make me beautiful. They are a part of me. They mold me and shape me.
I don't want to ever wish for anything again because if my life were the way I think it should be, I would never feel anything. I would also never be satisfied. I would be bored.
The act of holding someone who is in genuine pain makes their pain course through my body like a current. I can feel them.

I wish that I could stay up longer and think of more things to write, but it's late and I have class later on this morning. I need a little sleep anyway.


Elvis Had A Good Idea With The Peanut Butter And Bannana Sammiches

I feel:: busy
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked 1000 miles to fall down at your door.(Does anyone know the name of that band?)

I never had Peanut Butter and Bananas together before, but let me say that Elvis had a good idea, only I didn't put mine on bread. I just ate the bananas smeared with pb.

It's Saturday night and I can't believe I'm sitting at home studying. Well, I only have about 3 1/2 weeks left of school this semester so I suppose that's ok. I am going to get to see one of my favorite bands, Blue October, on April 10. It's their cd release party. I can't wait to hear it. Speaking of new cd's, Type O Negative is releasing their new cd, Life is Killing Me, pretty soon. I checked the website but it didn't give a date. I guess they are still editing and remastering. I saw their new band pic though and they're looking younger, unbelievably. I hope they tour in the US. I could go to a show like in Memphis or Dallas or St. Louis. I don't think they would come here again. I heard that someone at Juanita's pissed them off and they said that they would never play here again.

On a different note, I'm very proud of myself. I did 3 1/2 miles on the stairmaster the other day. I'm not that sore really. I mean, I can feel the muscles are there and are tight, but not sore. I'm going to climb Pinnacle tomorrow with Ashley. Laney and I are going to climb it on Tuesday. Good workout and the view from the top is incredible. Especially at sunset.

I had to go and take the first part of the rising junior exam this morning. The Writing Profieciency Exam. What a spectacular waste of two hours. They treated us like kindergarteners first of all. I tried to show the lady at the front table my license and it was in my wallet and she was like,"The license must be outside of the wallet." She didn't even look at me. Like I was nonexistent. What a bitch. What a major pain in the ass. I sat down and filled out all of the appropriate paperwork and got the same "you are a bunch of imbeciles and we are so much better than you attitude" when I got the instructions for the test. It was an essay. There were two questions to chose from. One was to tell about a time when you almost won, but didn't and how that made you feel. How depressing. The other was to tell about a job that you have had/have and what types of qualifications and personality traits did that job require? How lame. So, I chose the first question and proceeded to tell them how inane the concept of competition was and how it was meaningless in the end. It was not a short essay. I ranted for like 4 pages. Well, I hope I pass. That would suck if I had to take it again. I have to take the second part on April 17. That part I don't even have to pass. The school just uses it for statistical purposes. I say again, how fucking lame. By the time a person gets to college, they should already know how to write and how to perform basic mathematical computations, basic science and things like that. Things that should have been learned in high school. What really pisses me off is that this test is required. If you don't take it, you can't proceed with your college classes. If you don't pass the Writing Proficiency Exam, you can't proceed with your college classes. Ok, I guess I've ranted enough about that.

I still have some Algebra to do and I have to edit my paper for Comp. Tomorrow, after I climb Pinnacle, I have to study for my Fine Arts test on Monday. The final in that class is so going to suck. Next week, I have to write two papers for that class. A critique for music and art. So, that means that I have to go to the Arts Center and pick out a work of art to write about. I also have to find a music event to go to to write about that. I'm so busy with homework and stuff, I don't know how I'll find the time. The last day of classes is April 30. The next week is finals week.


My Day

I feel:: accomplished

I went to the doctor today and got a shot of Cortizone in my butt. OWWWWW!! I could feel it all the way down my leg. He gave me some Nazocort nasal spray for my nose and some Allegra. I had to pay them 76.00 and when I wen to the cashier I gave her 80.00 and she didn't have any change and then she dissappeared for like 10 minutes apparently to look for some change. She came back and asked me if I could pay 70 dollars since she didn't have any change. I was kind of bitchy to her and told her that she could have 60 dollars and then I walked out. Like it's my fault she can't give me change? The cashier's office implies that they can take any form of payment. People just get on my last nerve sometimes.

I went to work out afterwards and that was cool. I was on the stairmaster. They should call it the Assmaster. I went to Walmart after to get some food and stuff and when I was walking around I was all,"My ass...my asss!" Well, such are the pains of getting in shape. It was good though, the workout. It gave me a chance to think. I always heard that people who work out have the deepest thoughts during their workouts, but I always thought that that was a buch of bull. Well, I guess I know now.
All in all, it has been a good day. I'm so glad. I've had quite enough of bad ones.


I Made It!

I feel:: sick

I went to all 4 of my classes today, amazingly. I thought I was going to pass out at one point bc I just could not breathe. I couldn't gather enough breath to speak to tell anyone that I was feeling like my knees were about to give way from underneath me. That sucked majorly. I was supposed to go to the Ev autograph signing this afternoon after classes, but I didn't go. I came home, loaded up on allergy medicine and fell asleep for like 3 and a half hours. I feel better now. I'm totally loaded on allergy meds right now. I'm having to take like 3 times the dosage in order to have my symptoms relieved. I have a doctor appt tomorrow so I can get an inhaler or something. I also need a diiferent kind of oral med, bc Claritin doesn't work neither does Zyrtec. I have taken 4 Zyrtec tablets today and the dosage is one every 12 hours. Marcia let me use her inhaler today. Thank you Marcia. Like 20 secs after I used it I could breathe better.

I need a new body. Can I trade this one in and get a newer model?

Allergies Suck The Big One!

I feel:: angry

My allergies are already bad. My left eye is swollen and irritated I'm wheezing already like my body is just waiting to have an asthma attack. My nose is running and irritated. And to top it all off, my dad bought this crappy, rough toilet paper and it has made my nose all raw. That's just lovely, it's just the start of Spring and I'm already miserable. I need some different medication which means I'll have to go to the doctor's office and wait for three hours to see the doc for like 5 mins so that he can write a prescription. Then I'll get to pay the doctor's office 50 dollars for the pleasure of waiting in their lovely waiting room for three hours. I'm not being very positive today. I'm just sitting here thinking that if my allergies are this bad inside the house, how bad will they be when I leave the house and go outside later to go to class? I'm so pissed at my body right now. Why is it that I always have to be sick?

Tired Doesn't Even Begin To Describe

I feel:: drained

I finally finished my research paper for Comp class. What a pain in the ass.

I'm trying to be positive about this. Let's see what's positive: I finished my paper. I'm going to the Evanescence autograph signing tomorrow. I worked out today. I'm going to get to sleep now. I bought a tanning package yesterday.

I guess those are good things.

I'm getting my coat from Laney tomorrow! Yippeeee!

I have GOT to go to bed before I pass out.