I feel:: nauseated
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~God

Do you ever have thoughts so dark and shameful that you can hardly admit them to yourself? Why am I such a fucked up freak?


The Hundred Acre Wood

I feel:: anxious
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos:: Raining Blood

My dad is coming home from the hospital tomorrow. The doctors say that he will be laid up for 6 weeks and that there will be a physical therapist coming by our house to work with him twice a week. I figure when he gets home I won't have a moment's peace. He's such horrible sick person. I want to do things for him and I do, but it's like after awhile I start to get irritated because he asks me to do things he could easily do himself. Then, I feel bad for being angry. I think somehow that I should want to take care of him. He is my dad after all even if he is an asshole.

Tanya and I went out to Pinnacle Mountain again the other day. This time I took my camera. I took lots of great photos.

The canopy. It was like this everywhere we walked.

This butterfly allowed me to take it's picture. It sat still just long enough for me to take it. I thought that was pretty cool.

More of the canopy. It kept getting thicker the more we walked. Aren't those vines interesting? I couldn't figure out what exactly they were.

This tree was just growing out of the side of the bank of the swamp. I like all the roots going everywhere. I had to bend over the side of the bank to take this picture.

The Shire?

While we were walking, I came upon this scene. On the one hand, it sort of looks like a huge divining rod, on the other hand, it looks sort of purposely placed. Like a bridge for tiny people.

Cypress knees. They look to me like tree spirits.

More Cypress knees, but they look like people frozen in motion to me.

I asked Tanya to go and stand by one of these trees so that I could get a scale of just how huge it was in the picture. She's being silly doing the rocknroll sign.

I really like this tree. It reminds me of Pooh's house. It even has a little walkway up to it. I kept expecting to see a him walk out of it.

I was thinking this looked like a fairy bed, but fairies wouldn't sleep in a spider web would they? It's too sticky. I like it anyway.

This huge log looks like it was carved. It looks like an alligator to me. It has a tail on the bottom left of the picture and the mouth is on the right. It was kind of weird to find it just sitting there in the middle of the woods.

Fairy pods?

Tanya took this picture as we were driving over the I-430 bridge from N. Little Rock to Little Rock. You can see Pinnacle Mountain in the background. It's the one with the flat top and the sun is hanging just over it. I think I scared her. As I was driving, I happened to look over and see the sunset and I was all, "Oh shit! Where's my camera?"

I was supposed to go see Star Wars tonight with Tanya, but she decided to stay home and rent movies and hang out with her mom. I'm having a sweet craving really badly right now. That's bad. Ryk isn't helping me any either. He said he wants to meet me at the Krispy Kreme. Those are so good that they make me feel sinful just eating them.


Follow The Yellow Brick Road!

I feel:: calm
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Do the voices singing in my head count for music?

My dad is still in the hospital. I don't know how long he will be there. I did all his laundry today and took him some clean shirts and boxers. He said he was having a really bad day today. That today was the worst day he had ever spent in the hospital. That's saying a lot since he's spent so much time in them. He was complaining that the room wasn't designed right and that the staff couldn't see past the ends of their collective noses. On Friday, he had me bring him two half-pints of Jack Daniel's Black Label whiskey. When we were on the phone I asked,"You can have that?" He said quickly,"We'll talk about that when you get here." He told me when I got to the hospital that the doctor said he could have it, but I have my doubts about that. Since when are hospital patients allowed to have alcohol? He told me that they were giving him Jim Beam yesterday. Great. I was pretty upset Friday when he asked me to bring him that whiskey. I thought to myself,"He can't even go a few days without alcohol?" I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. He's been drinking like that for at least 35 years.

Ryk and I had plans on Thursday night to go out to dinner for my birthday except I was so tired after running around doing all that stuff for my dad and having stayed up until like 6am that morning that when it got to be about 3pm, all I wanted to do was go home and crawl into my comfy bed. Ryk called me when I was on my way home and he said,"Well, I figure if you can meet me at my apartment at like 6:30 then we can get to the restaurant at about 7:00." I yawned and said,"I don't think I'm going to be up by 6:30." (I had only had about 3 hours of sleep.) He sounded disappointed but all he said was,"Ok, well, just call me when you get up." I woke up at 7pm. I rushed around and was bathed and dressed by 7:30. I called Ryk and told him that all I had to do was put on a bit of make-up and do something with my hair and I would be out of the house. I asked him if he wanted me to come to his apartment, but he said that he wanted me to meet him at the restaurant. I was out of the house and driving towards the freeway at 8pm. I called him. He was already at the restaurant. I told him I was on my way (the restaurant was Loca Luna) and that I'd be there in about 20 minutes. He told me that they closed at 9pm and that we should eat somewhere else. He suggested Senor Tequila. I didn't really want to go there, so I suggested Cozy Mel. He didn't know where that was. So, then I suggested we go to Juanita's since I like it and it was close to where he already was. We met there and got seated. He was really quiet all through the meal. When we were about halfway through eating, I noticed that they were putting up chairs and they had turned off the 'Open' sign. I looked at my cell for the time and it was 9pm. I thought,"What's the difference if we eat here or at Loca Luna when they both close at 9?" Ryk didn't eat hardly anything. I couldn't get him to talk to me very much the whole time we were there. Most of the time, he couldn't even look at me. That made me feel bad. We came to my house afterwards and we were both just saying really short sentences to each other. No laughter or loving looks or kisses like normal. We laid down in my bed and he asked me what was on my mind. I didn't know quite how to put it so I said,"I thought we would have had a better time tonight." He told me that he was upset because he had planned on going to Loca Luna and he was also upset because he didn't really like anything on the Juanita's menu. Well, I can understand that, but I thought it was my birthday?

Last night we got into a fight because he has basically been being Misty's support person. She calls him with all of her problems, even her sexual problems. (Misty is his ex-girlfriend and the mother of his kids.) He has been telling me about all of their conversations. I let it slide for awhile, but last night when we were talking on the phone I asked,"I thought you were only going to talk to Misty if it had something to do with the kids? The day of Richard's dedication at your church, I told you that it bothered me that you and Misty talked about everything so much when she should be talking to her husband and you told me that you wouldn't talk to her anymore except if it was about the kids. Now, it seems like that's not the case." He said,"You're right. I did tell you that and I went back on what I said. If it bothers you that much, I won't talk to her anymore unless it has to do with the kids." Of course it BOTHERS me. That's an understatement. She texts him when we are together with questions like,"Were you ever really happy with us?" She throws herself at him sexually. He told me last night that he had been tempted and he had passed the test. He said that he didn't want to and would never have sex with her again. I was satisfied with that answer last night, but today I thought,"If he was tempted, that means that he thought about doing it, so in some way he still wants her." Then I thought about what he said about how he was at a really vulnerable point sexually right now because we are not having sex. So, that makes me think that he thinks his being tempted is my fault because if I was having sex with him, he wouldn't be vulnerable and therefore wouldn't be tempted. That was a slap in the face. I was going to call him today, but I didn't. After I went to see dad in the hospital, I was going to go over to his apartment to see him, but I didn't. I started to feel those love feelings and I was missing him, then I thought about what was said last night and realized that I just didn't want to be around him, that I would rather be alone.

So, I went and took pictures of the house my mother grew up in and where I was first molested by my grandfather on King's Row Drive. As I was taking pictures of the house, these two Asian ladies pulled into the driveway in their car. I wasn't on their property, but one of them yelled,"What's going on?" I was sort of nervous, but I smiled my best sweet smile and walked over to her saying,"My grandparents used to live here. This is the house my mother grew up in. I just wanted to take a picture of it for my photo album." She turned out to be really nice and didn't mind that I was taking pictures of her house. After that, I drove out to Pleasant Valley to take pictures of the other house my grandparents lived in. I got there and there were two people working on a vehicle in the driveway, so I walked over to them, introduced myself, told them why I was there and asked them if it was ok for me to take pictures of their house. They were obliging so I walked out to the front of the house and prepared to take a picture when this middle aged man came walking down the front walkway at a fast clip. At first I thought he was going to yell at me, but he was smiling at me and said excitedly,"You should come back and take pictures next week! It'll have new paint then!" I breathed an inner sigh of relief and told him my story that I was wanting to take picutres of the house for my family so that we could have the memory. There was no way I was going to say,"Oh yeah, my therapist told me that I should come and take a picture of this house because my grandfather, who built this house, molested me here for 8 years." That would have gone over like a rock. So, I just smiled and pretended to be happy. He almost invited me inside, but I told him I had to go and that I would come back next week after it had been painted. When I got in my car, I exhaled all of the tension I had been holding in. I felt like I had been holding my breath the entire time. As I sat in my car and thought about going inside that house, I realized that I was getting panicky at just the thought of it. There was no way that I was going to go inside that house. Too many memories lying in wait there to pounce on me. I'm better today than I was the day I took the pictures of the house where I was raped the last time. I didn't come home and immediately go to bed. Instead, I went to Barnes and Noble and got a Carmel Frappucino and looked at funny books about cats. I stayed there until they announced that they were closing at 9:45. I drove home then and watched my cats play for about an hour. They're funny. They make me laugh a lot.

On Friday, Tanya took me out to eat for a birthday dinner. We met at Books A Million for coffee, but after finishing our coffees, we decided that we weren't hungry yet, so we both got in my car and we drove out to Pinnacle Mountain. We walked the nature trail. It's so pretty out there. The trees are so thick that they make a continuous canopy over you. I wish I had taken my camera with me. (We are going again tomorrow, so I'm going to take pictures then.) I saw some sort of tallish folliage along the side of the trail for most of the way and kept expecting to see fairies peeking out through the leaves or gnomes or something. It felt very magical. At one point, I hooked my arm in Tanya's and started skipping saying,"Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!" She wouldn't skip with me dangit.



I feel:: exhausted

was my birthday. I'm 35 now. yay . At 11:30 on May 17th, my dad was walking from the kitchen through the living room to go to his bedroom when he fell. He couldn't get up for a long time. I had to basically lift him off the floor onto the sofa. I got his walker for him and I lifted him again off the sofa into a standing position. He shuffled a few feet across the living room floor and I told him that we should call 911 and have an ambulance come and take him to the hospital. He didn't want me to do that though. He shuffled over to his recliner and gingerly sat down in it. When he tried to get up again a few minutes later, he couldn't. He could barely move his left leg. So, I called 911. A couple of minutes later, 3 volunteer fire and rescue guys showed up here and took dad's vitals and pronounced him ok. A few more minutes later, 2 ambulances and a cop showed up. All of these people were in my living room talking about how to get dad out of his recliner and onto the stretcher. So, what they did was they all got in various positions around his chair and lifted him from it onto the stretcher whilst he was cursing in pain. I followed the ambulance to St. Vincent's Hospital. I called Tanya on my cell while I was driving to tell her what had happened. She asked me how it had happened and I told her that dad told the paramedics that he had his house slippers on and was walking across the living room carpet when he got his feet tangled and fell. I told her what I thought was that he had been drinking, like he does every night, and probably lost his balance from being drunk and fell. Tanya told me that I had to tell the paramedics he had been drinking because they might have to give him medication and if they didn't know he had all that alcohol in him they could inadvertently kill him. So, when I pulled up to the ER and parked, I ran up to the ambulance just as they were getting dad out and I pulled aside one of the paramedics and said quietly,"He's been drinking a lot." She said,"How much?" I said,"I'm not sure. He went out earlier like he normally does and had a few drinks, then he came home and drank his usual half-pint of Jack Daniels." She replied, "I'm glad you told me." They wheeled him inside and I had a seat in the ER waiting room. I had called Ryk on my way there and he walked in a few minutes after I had sat down. About 15 minutes later, they said I could go back. Ryk and I walked through the automatic doors back into where the ER rooms are. I asked the nurses and they said he was in treatment room 5. We found him in there still in his stretcher and covered up with a sheet. A nurse came about 30 minutes later and wheeled him away for Xrays. When he came back, he was complaining because he said his pants were half off and half on. We had to wait a long time before the doctor showed up. About 2 hours. When he finally did, he told dad that he had broken his left hip. After the doctor left, my dad shooed Ryk and I out of his room telling us to go home and go to bed. That was about 3:30am. Ryk walked me out to my car and we stood by it and held each other for a long time. We parted and I drove home. I walked in and it was weird knowing that he wasn't here. The house felt empty. I was exhausted. I fell into bed and slept like the dead. I woke up about 11:00am and felt really shaky. I called my dad's sister, Liz, and told her what had happened. She asked me accusingly why he was not in bed at 11:30pm. I thought, "Is he a child?" I was sort of irritated. She had the tone of voice like she was accusing me of making him fall or like I wasn't taking care of him well enough. I had called his room several times that morning, but got no answer. Liz told me that that was because he had gone into surgery at 9:00am that morning. Ryk messaged me when I got on the computer at about 12:30 and I wondered why he wasn't at work. He told me that he had caught a stomach virus from his daughter. Well, several hours later, I came down with it too. I didn't think I would ever get to leave the bathroom. In between bathroom trips, I just laid in bed and wished for someone to put me out of my misery. I was disappointed because I was going to go see dad in the hospital, but I couldn't because of the virus. I didn't want him to catch it, especially since he had just had surgery. So, my birthday pretty much sucked except for the roses Ryk got me. They arrived about 5 minutes after I woke up via Fed Ex. I really like them and was really surprised.

I also took another picture of Mija that's really cute:
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She discovered my computer desk and roamed all around it.

Well, dad is going to be in the hospital for about a week or so. I talked to him after his surgery and he said he's doing fine. They are keeping him pretty doped up on pain medication.

Today is therapy day and I'm going to see dad in the hospital. Ryk is also going to take me out to dinner tonight for my birthday.


Happy Birthday To Me

I feel:: indescribable
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Type O Negative~Red Water

Tomorrow is my birthday so I thought I'd do something for myself. I drove by and took pictures of the house where I was raped the last time. Here they are:

Well, at least I faced it. I can't believe I remembered where it was after 10 years. I just drove right to it. I feel shaky now. I think I'm going to have a good cry and go to bed.


Speaking Up

I feel:: lethargic
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Type O Negative~Cinnamon Girl

Saturday night Tanya took me to dinner at Thai Taste. It was wonderful. I couldn't eat much though. I wasn't even going to eat yesterday and then she called me and tempted me to go to dinner. I went to Ryk's after that. That was the day he had his kids. I love to see them. Xiana gave me a big kiss and Richard, when he saw me, ran to me on his stubby little legs and climbed into my lap and gave me his baby kiss. Xiana then blurted out,"We got you a birthday cake!" I didn't really know what she was talking about, but right then, Ryk walked out of the kitchen with a teeny birthday cake with a lit candle on the top. I haven't had a birthday cake since I was like 5 years old. He came toward me with it and I got all nervous and said,"But I don't know what to wish for." He said,"Whatever you want." So, I wished for happiness. I guess I'm not supposed to tell what I wished for. Oops. I guess I could've wished for money or something like that, but I know people who have a lot of money and most of them are miserable. My mother's uncle has tons of money and he got arrested several years ago for being part of a child pornography ring. My grandparents were filthy rich and they were terrible to each other. They were also raging alcoholic abusers and child molesters. Most of the people I have met who have lots of money are miserable. I don't want to be miserable. (That's just my own observation. It's really easy to make blanket statements with absolutely no proof.) But, I digress.

Ryk and I laid down in his bed to try to get Xiana to fall asleep and we wound up falling asleep with her between us. I woke up about 12:30 and headed out to Tanya's. She said she wanted me to help her with her computer. She doesn't have any software with which to resize pictures. I thought for sure she would have something on her computer. I thought,"Don't most computers come with Adobe Photoshop or something like that? Mine did." Well, hers didn't even though it's brand spanking new and has all the bells and whistles and an 80 gig hard drive. Mine is only 40. I don't think she will ever fill up the whole thing. I told her that I would try to burn my Adobe Photoshop onto a disc and give it to her. I don't know if it will work or not though.
I got to her house and the dogs ( a Yorkie and a Shitzu) attacked me with doggy kisses. She sat on her sofa for an hour and a half while I petted the dogs. She said she was trying to find pictures of this guy she's been talking to online. She was so obsessed with it. I would try to talk to her and she would interrupt me in the middle of my speaking to mutter curses about how she couldn't find the pictures. She was getting so frustrated. I told her if the computer was making her that frustrated, that she should turn it off and come back to it later. She didn't think that was a good idea. After that, I told her that I was sleepy and I was going to go home. I was tired of being ignored. She got upset because she thought it was because she had been on her computer for the entire time I had been there. It was partly that, but more so, it was because she was just so angry. She hit her little Shitzu, Sofie, with palm of her hand so hard that I heard the smack. She also cursed them a lot. I felt bad for them. She got so irritated just because they wanted to be near her. Her dogs love her so much. The follow her wherever she goes in her house. They jump on her when she comes home. Their favorite place to be is in her lap. Sofie has a habit of chewing up her shoes and Tanya was yelling at her for that, but at the time, she wasn't chewing any shoes. I told her it could be because she needs more attention from her. When I had my puppy, Shelby, that's what she did when she was feeling lonely. When Annie jumped up on the loveseat with her, she yelled and cursed at her for wanting to be on the sofa. In between being frustrated and yelling at her dogs, she bitched to me about how much she couldn't stand them. I couldn't stand to see her being that way. I guess if I had more guts, I could have told her that she was being mean, unfair and abusive. I guess I'm not a very good friend. I was just stunned that she was being like that. I thought about it on the entire 45 minute drive home. It bothered me. I wanted to cry because I know that she's miserable right now and there is nothing I can do to help her. She has to help herself. I realized today as I was thinking about last night, that I didn't even need to think about forgiving her anger because she's the closest thing I've ever had to a sister. I love her. Loving someone means loving all of them, not just the good parts. Now, I'm wondering what she has seen in me that hurts her. I have no doubt there are several things. Again, it's hard to look in the proverbial mirror of my soul and take an honest appraisal of what's there. It's so much easier to be in denial or just to put it away somewhere.


I Am The Doormouse

I feel:: hot
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Evanescence~Solitude

For the past three days I've had a killer headache. The first day, I had myself convinced that it was a sinus headache because I felt all this pressure right above my eyes, but it continued on and got so bad that night that I couldn't have any lights or any noise on. I laid in bed with the covers over my head. I couldn't even stand the street light coming in softly through my bedroom window. All day that day I had been nauseous. My dad took me to eat lunch (that was Wednesday) and afterwards when I was driving him to his doctor appointment, I thought I was going to vomit right there in the car. I wanted to go home and hide in my room, but I couldn't because after that, I had to go up to school to pay the downpayment to hold my summer classes. When I got to school and started walking across campus, I started to feel a bit better even though it was so hot. (It felt so good to walk in from the hot outside and into a frigid building. I love the feeling of cold air on my skin.) I still had the headache though. I called Tanya after I left campus and we met for coffee. I had two huge iced lattes. I thought all the caffeine would make my headache better. It just got worse. I sat there at the table talking to Tanya and all of the sudden she said,"Wow, your eyes are really swollen." I was surprised by this, but then I realized that my eyes did feel sort of weird. I went to the ladies and got a look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were very swollen. It reminded me of what I used to look like as a teenager when I smoked pot all the time. Stoned eyes. When I got back to the table, I told Tanya that I wanted to go home. She said she wanted to come with me, so we both got in my car and drove here. She wanted to see my new kitty. She's 7 weeks old and I've named her Mija (mi-ha). It's Spanish for 'my daughter'. (mi ija) It's an endearment.
Here's a couple of pictures of my new baby:

Mija just wakes up

Mija poses for the camera

I have two other cats: Silver (female) and Little Bit (male). Here are some pictures of them:

Silver loves to hang out in the sink

My computer kitty

Little Bit and Silver snuggling

Little Bit gives me knee love

We got to my house and I put The Phantom of the Opera in the dvd player and fell into my bed. Tanya did as well. Not even halfway through the movie, I fell asleep. I laid down because my head was hurting so badly. Then I remember putting my hand on my forehead. (My forehead was cold and clammy, but my hand was warm. That felt so good.) I then closed my eyes and thought to myself,"I'll just lay here like this for a little bit and see if my headache goes away." The next thing I remember was being awakened by Tanya and her poking me in the leg saying,"Hey! Does he die? Are you asleep?" I sat up abruptly and immediately my headache was back to torture me some more.

I drove Tanya back to her car after the movie was over, then I went to Ryk's. He had bought me some ice cream. Joyous day. It was Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Therapy. (That's my new favorite.) I sat in the dark on his bed and ate the entire pint. (oink) After that, I laid down in his bed and covered my head with the comfortor. He came upstairs and turned on his computer which hurt my head something fierce. Then, he turned on music, which made me feel like I was going to be sick. I asked him to turn everything off which he did. He laid down with me and rubbed my neck for awhile, which felt really nice. We eventually fell asleep. I woke up at about 2am and told him that I was going to go home. My head didn't hurt at first when I got up, but when I walked downstairs into the light, there it was again.

Thursday was therapy day, but I didn't really want to go. I still had that damned headache. It had made me so nauseous that I couldn't eat anything that day. I managed to pull myself out of bed to make it to my therapy appt a bit early. While I was getting ready to go, I was perusing through my closet trying to find a pair of jeans or capris to wear. I tried on about 4 different pair and they were all too small. As I took the last pair off in disgust I kicked them across the room cursing my body. I told myself,"You are such a fat cow." It was also very hot that day and my dad hadn't turned on the air conditioning which further irritated me. When I'm hot, I really feel my body and how much I hate it. When I'm sweating and trying to get dressed at the same time, it really makes me feel fat. I finally found something to wear and started driving to my appt. I was so angry and just generally irritated with everything. I started to wonder why I was so angry. Why were these little things getting to me so much? I realized that it might be that my eating disorder is starting up again. I haven't been eating much lately, not counting the three days when I had trouble eating because of my headache. Also, I feel like my dad is constantly standing over me watching everything I do. He does a lot for me, but then he holds it over my head as a form of control. That makes me angry. I hate feeling fat and I hate being hot. That was a trigger for my eating disorder. Not to mention that I was already in a bad mood because I had to get out of bed and go to therapy with my head pounding. Ann took one look at me and said,"Are you sick? You look really pale." So, I told her about my two-day headache and that I thought it was a tension headache because it started in my shoulders and neck. She said,"I'm worried about you. Who has a tension headache for two days?" I was on a rant all through my session telling her how irritated and angry I was. I told her that I had been having trouble eating and that my skin picking was getting worse. She said,"I was afraid that would happen." She cut therapy short by 15 minutes because I felt so bad. I couldn't go home right away though. I had to go by the pharmacy to pick up my allergy medicines and antidepressant refills. I got to drive home in rush hour traffic. That was fun. When I finally got home, I fell into my bed again and just slept forever.

Yesterday was pretty much the same as Thursday except I didn't leave the house yesterday. My headache again. Ryk called me sometime last night and wanted to take me to see Kingdom of Heaven. I told him I would go, but I fell asleep again. I was trying to get my head to quit hurting. He called me at about 8:30 (the movie started at 9:25) and asked me where I was. I had to tell him that I fell asleep. I felt so bad about that. Yes. I am a bad girlfriend. I shouldn't have told him I would go having that headache and all. I really, really wanted to get out of the house though. I guess I figured I could just suck it up and go. Finally my dad told me last night that he had this prescription medication that he got from our family doctor for his headaches called Esgic-Plus. I took one and cautiously hoped that I wouldn't vomit or get dizzy as those were two of the side effects I read about on the paperwork that came with the medicine. I always experience side effects from medicine. Well, about 30 minutes later, I was sitting in my tv chair reading when I suddenly realized that my head didn't hurt. I couldn't believe it. After that, I was in an excellent mood for the rest of the night. I was just so relieved not to be in pain.

Backing up a bit, Monday I went to see my mother. It's about a two hour drive from here to there. I enjoyed it. She lives way up in the mountains and some of the scenery is just breathtaking. Ozark Mountains. Some of the people who live there are just ummmm....scary. I brought her the Mother's Day presents I had bought. I got her a pair of silver and seashell earrings with a necklace to match. I also got her a pretty green shirt with a tribal design on the front done in pink sparkly things. She loved it. After I gave them to her, she immediately went to her bedroom and put all of it on and wore it for the rest of the day. She said she felt pretty. I was glad. We went to Wal-Mart later on that day and she bought The Phantom of the Opera dvd and the soundtrack of it on cd. It wasn't until we were walking back to my car that she told me those were my birthday presents. (My birthday is this Wednesday.) I thought that was cool. After we got back to her house, I started playing with the little kitty she had in a carrier. I asked her why she had the cat in there and she said she was fostering it for the Humane Society and that she had already found homes for the two others she had that came from the same litter. I just fell in love with her, so I brought her home with me. Mija.

So, the time I spent with my mom was good. I was pleasantly surprised. Maybe things are going to get better between us. I hope so.

It's now about 3:30pm. I've been up since 6am and I have eaten nothing so far today. I have had two really large cups of coffee. Not that that counts for food or anything. I ate a 6-inch steak sub last night, but that's all I had yesterday. I need to start keeping up with my food intake. It's only when I can see it on the page that I realize just how bad my eating habits are.
I was reading back a few entries and found another one where I said I felt numb and couldn't get in touch with my feelings. I haven't had any more memories lately. I guess that's just being numb again. It's hard to face my feelings and memories. It's hard to look at myself and see the hard truth.

Oh yeah, I made a South Park me. Thanks Gabe.



I feel:: angry

For the past week I've been pretty numb. I've wanted to sit down and write, but I have found that when I try to, I can't. It's like there's nothing there, or maybe there is, but I don't want to face it. I'm really good at denial- for myself anyway. I can point out when someone else is in denial really easily. I used to be the type of person who would point those things out to someone regardless of whether or not they wanted to hear it. I know, how obnoxious. I thank God that I don't do that anymore, but I can see it still. When I was in Sold Out, I had the reputation of being a hard ass. Mom Sikes would send people to me that were hard-core drug addicts, sex addicts, abusers and alcoholics. She said because she knew that I would lay everything out on the table for them without being afraid of what they thought of me. I have since come to realize that people like that really get on my nerves. I'm not sure if it's just that it is actually really annoying or if I just don't like for people to point out my deficiencies.

I had a whole post typed out and then something happened. I'm so depressed right now. My eating disorder is kicking in again. It took me two hours to eat four mini-muffins. I've had a headache for the past two days and there is no sign of it letting up. I'll try to post about my week tomorrow.


Qu'est-ce-que tu faits?

I feel:: exhausted
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~Breakfast After 10

Where do I start? This past week has been so bad. Ryk broke up with me on Monday. I was pretty much numb for the rest of that day. I was online that night and he messaged me and was asking me if sometime in the future we might be able to get back together and if I still wanted him to go to church with me. I said,"I don't think that's going to be possible." He replied,"Oh? Why so?" I got angry in an instant and said,"Why do you want to know why? You just broke up with me. I don't even feel comfortable talking to you right now." He got really sad then and said,"I'm sorry if I'm being a problem." I didn't reply.

Tuesday I spent in bed. I only got up to go to the bathroom. I cried all day that day. I tried to watch Star Wars on my tv in my bedroom ( I love Star Wars.), but I couldn't. I would watch it for about 15 minutes, then turn it off, cry and fall asleep. I did actually get out of bed for a little while on Tuesday. I came into my computer room and tried to watch The Mummy Returns, but I kept bursting into tears, so I gave up and went back to bed.

Wednesday was pretty much the same. I stayed in bed all day. I did have the intention of going to church that night. Ryk called me that afternoon and told me that he had made a mistake breaking up with me and wanted to talk about getting back together. I said through tears, sniffles and hiccups,"When?" He said,"Tonight." I said,"I was planning on going to church tonight." He asked,"Will you come over after church?" I said I would. I slept some more after that and managed to get up and get ready to go to church. After service was over, I headed out to Ryk's place. When I got there, we sat on his sofa and talked for several hours. I told him I had talked to my mom earlier that day and that she had actually said some things that helped me (wonders never cease). I told him that I didn't think he had the understanding or the sensitivity to understand the things that have happened to me or the things that I'm going through now. I also told him that part of that was because of his youth. (Don't think I'm crazy for going out with a 22-year old.) I pointed out a couple of examples: One being the conversation we had where he said he thought gang bangs were normal behavior. I asked,"Why don't you know that it is a fucked up thing to do to say to a multiple rape and incest survior that you think that sort of behavior is normal? Not only that, but why don't you know that that sort of thinking is so skewed?" The second example I gave him was when he was asking me about the specific details of the rapes and he asked me things like,"What were you doing?","What were you wearing?" and "Do you remember anything about their penis sizes?" I said,"Why don't you know that those things have nothing to do with rape? Why don't you know how fucked up that is? Why did you want to know all the specific details anyway?" The whole time I was saying this, he sat on the other end of the sofa with his head down and didn't look at me. When I was finished, he raised his head and said he didn't realize how much those things had hurt me. I said,"There have been several other times during the course of our relationship when I've thought to myself,"Why did he say that to me? That is so fucked up. Why doesn't he know how fucked up that is?" (Like the time we had just finished having sex and he had just told me that I was the best sex partner he'd ever had and then told me that he thought big girls tried harder during sex because they don't get it as much and they want what they do get to be good, whereas thinner girls don't try as hard because they get sex more. I thought,"Why did he just say that to me? What does he mean by that? Is he talking about me?Does he think thinner girls are more attractive than bigger girls and he's only with me because he can't be with a thinner girl?" I didn't say anything though.) I told him that most of the time I get angry with him is due to some stupid shit that leaks out of his mouth. I asked him,"Do you think that you could think about what you are going to say before you say it? I monitor myself when I'm talking to you. I don't say things to you that I think will hurt you. For example, when you asked me the penis question, I could have rounded on you and called you a jackass for asking me that question, but instead I just asked you why you wanted to know." He said he would try to monitor what he says and that if he says something stupid that I should let him know right then. I replied,"Well, that makes me think that you think you can say or do whatever you want because I'll correct you when you fuck up. I'm not your mother, nor will I be your teacher. You have to monitor yourself, but from now on, I won't hold back on you when you say stupid stuff to me and you should not be surprised when I get angry." He lowered his eyes and then looked back at me and said,"Ok.That's fair."

We then started talking about God and our individual relationship with Him. I said,"If we are going to be together for the long term, I want to know that you love God more than you love me. I love God more than I love you." He said he understood that. He told me that he's been working on hanging out with God more and that he wanted to get back to where he used to be. I said,"Why do you want to be where you used to be? That obviously didn't work out for you because you are where you are now with God.You are angry with Him and you don't know Him anymore. Why don't you just focus on loving God and leave the rest to Him?" (He told me that he used to be the type of person that was in church every time the doors were open and that he always brought his friends to church with him and was always witnessing and such. I said,"But did you ever love God?" All I got was a blank stare for a reply.)

After that, we started talking about manipulation. Mainly his various ways of subversely trying to manipulate me. I quoted what he wrote in his Live Journal as one example,"I feel that the next couple of weeks may be hard for me,and i am unsure of what life holds for me--if indeed it does go on. So remember me when and if you pray." I said,"When you wrote,'if indeed it does go on', I thought you were thinking about killing yourself and I imagine that anyone else who read it thought the same thing. That is VERY manipulative and you know it is." He said,"I think you assume that I know some things that I don't. That's not what I meant by that statement." I raised an eyebrow and said,"I don't believe you." Then I brought up the several times he has pouted when I didn't want to have sex and his poutiness when I want to leave his apartment. He said,"Those things have NEVER worked on you, so it's not manipulative." I was incredulous and said,"Just because it doesn't work, doesn't mean that it's not you trying to manipulate me. Just because I don't show it doesn't mean I don't feel bad. The reason it has never worked is because I can recognize it for what it is: your attempt to manipulate me. I used to do that to my parents all the time when I was a child, it hardly ever worked, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't trying to manipulate them. When Xiana tries to get you to let her stay up past her bedtime and she cries and throws a fit, that's her trying to manipulate you. Just because it doesn't work, doesn't mean she's not trying to. That's wrong. That's manipulation." He sat quiet for a few minutes and then looked at me seriously and said,"I will never do that again."

After that, he asked me if I wanted to continue our relationship. At first, I said that I didn't think I could handle it what with being in therapy and all. I said,"You may never know what will trigger me. You could say,'fluffy bunny', and I might start to cry or get angry." I told him I didn't think it was fair to him to put him in that situation. He took my hands and looked at me squarely and said,"I love you. I have realized during the past few days that I can't live without you." I was quiet and thinking for a few minutes and then said,"Ok, this is what I can do. I can have a dating relationship with you. That means you call me or I call you to set up a date and we meet at a public place. No sex and no more staying over." He said that it was funny I should say that because it was what he had been thinking too. That was the end of that conversation. I had to leave to go to Tanya's. She said she was going to cook dinner for me. He didn't pout when I left. He walked me to my car and hugged me and told me that he loved me. He said he felt like the luckiest man alive because I had come back to him and that he would make sure that I didn't regret it.

Thursday was therapy day. I was exhausted. I didn't get up until 1pm. I lay in bed looking at the clock on my bedside table saying to myself,"Get up. Get up. Get up." I finally did and got to my therapy session on time. I told her what had happened and how I had reacted to all of it. She said,"You are really depressed, aren't you?" I said,"Yeah I am." I also told her that I felt better since Ryk and I had talked and that I mainly felt emotionally and physically exhausted from all of it. She asked me then when I was going to see him next. I said I didn't know, but that it would probably be Friday or Saturday. She said,"Are you really going to wait that long?" I thought,"Why is she asking me this?" I told her that I probably would wait that long because after therapy that day, I was going to go shopping with Tanya for a present for my mom for Mother's Day and after that we were going to hang out at her house and watch movies. We talked some more and she asked me another time when I was going to see him next. I told her the same thing and then added,"I'll probably just play it by ear." She said,"Does it make you feel better when you see him?" I thought for a minute and then replied,"Most of the time, yeah, it does." I thought again about why she was asking me that and why she would ask me twice. I didn't think too much more about it though and dropped the thought completely after a few minutes.

After therapy, Tanya and I ate at this awesome restaurant in Jacksonville called Thai Taste. I had Pad Thai, among other things. I just love Pad Thai. (They had a buffet. I hurt myself.) After that, we took our full bellies to McCain Mall and shopped for Mother's Day presents. I found my mom a pair of silver sea shell earrings and a necklace to match. I also got her a pretty green shirt with some kind of tribal design on the front done in pink sparklies. (I love to give presents more than I like to receive them, so I often go overboard when I buy gifts for people, even for my mom.) I bought myself two tank tops that were on sale for $7 each. One is pink with butterflies on it and the other is white with a big yellow sunflower painted on it. I also got myself a pink straw purse. I saw them on sale and I started thinking about the time when I had one as a teenager and how it always smelled of penny candy, gum and Jolly Ranchers. I got nostalgic. All told, I spent about $100. The things I got for my mom were the most expensive. Considering that I can drop like $600 at a time shopping, I thought I did pretty good. Tanya spent about that much though.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling like I had been beaten with a big stick. I was exhausted and achey all over. My hair hurt. Ryk called and wanted me to come over. He said he was going to get some dinner for the both of us and that he wanted to rent a movie. I told him that I would, but about 30 minutes later, I called him back and told him that I didn't think I was going to be able to leave the house that day. He said he would get the food and the movie and come to my house. He did. We watched 'Closer' and ate Arby's. After that, I laid a pillow on his legs and put my head there. He put a pillow by my knees and laid like that. We laid there for a couple of hours with him stroking my hair and talking.

I think Tanya is disappointed in me for getting back together with him. She didn't call me at all yesterday. I guess I don't blame her. Well, if it goes south again, it's only myself that I have to blame.

On a completely different note, I had a dream last night in which I was speaking both Spanish and French. I remember saying,"Qu'est que tu faits?" Then saying, "Te quiero."



I feel:: moody

Ryk and I are over.


I feel:: infuriated

I've been really depressed for the past few days. I wanted to write, but I couldn't get in touch with my feelings. I was just numb. I walked around the house just concentrating on what I was doing at that very moment. For some reason, I couldn't think beyond that moment. It's like I couldn't handle it. I don't know what that is. I don't know what to call it other than depression, although, sometimes I think my brain kind of shuts down as a defense mechanism. Or, maybe I'm just so used to operating that way that it's hard for me to get in touch with myself. Maybe these moments of clarity I have on my journal are oddities. I guess when I finish writing, I just go back to living in a fog. I don't know.

I was on my way to Tanya's the night before last and as I was driving past the Fina station, which is just down the road from my house, I spotted an orange cat sitting in the parking lot. I debated for a few seconds on whether or not to turn around and pick him up. I remember saying outloud when I saw him sitting there,"Oh, poor little baby!" So, I turned my car around and went back to see if he was still sitting there. I couldn't spot him at first, but after looking around, I saw him still in the same parking lot only further back by the trees. I pulled in and got out of my car. I didn't want to scare him away, so I started to walk slowly towards him calling sweetly,"Kitty, kitty, kitty?" He came right over to me and let me pet him. He was so sweet. He was purring and he even rolled over on his back for me to rub his belly. I petted him for awhile and then I picked him up to try to put him in my car all the while talking to him saying,"If I put you in my car, you have to promise not to spray, ok?" (He wasn't neutered. Male cats who aren't mark their territory by spraying something that is not urine all over the place and it is VERY pungent. You can never get the smell out of fabric once it has been sprayed.)Well, I forgot to unlock my car first and as I was going for my car remote, he jumped out of my arms. I started talking to him again, sweetly saying,"Oh, it's ok baby. Come here. Come here." I moved closer to my car and opened the driver's side door and sat down. He came right back to me and I petted him for a little while longer. He was curious about what was inside my car and was looking inside like he wanted to explore it. After some more petting and talking, I picked him up and put him in my car. He was afraid, of course. I was also afraid. I was afraid that he would either spray, defecate, or urinate in my car before I could get him to my house and into the back yard. ( I have two indoor cats, so I was going to put him in the back yard with some food and water until my dad decided whether or not we could keep him. If not, I was going to take him to the Humane Society today.) It's only about a 6 or 7 minute ride from the Fina station to my house, but I kept talking to him trying to get him to calm down. I pulled into my garage and closed the door. I let him out of my car and he immediately jumped out and started pacing around the garage. He was scared, which I understood, so I kept talking to him and trying to get him to come to me so I could pet him and comfort him. He eventually did. He started purring and rolled over on his back again. After he calmed a bit, I picked him up and went in my house. My two cats were very curious as to what I had in my arms, but I didn't stay inside for very long. I went directly to the back door and let him out in the back yard. Then, I went back inside and got some food and water for him. When I went back outside, he was walking around the yard smelling everything. He wouldn't come to me no mater how much I called him. I wanted to pet him a little bit before I left for Tanya's just to satisfy myself that he was comforted and not scared. He did eventually come up to the patio to eat some food. I gave up trying to get him to come to me, so I went back out to my car. As I was pulling out of my driveway, I saw him standing on top of our 10 foot wooden privacy fence. He jumped down from there and started exploring the neighbor's yard. That's the last time I saw him. I was hoping against hope that he would be here when I got home, but he wasn't. The food on the patio remains untouched. I hope he's ok. Tanya said he probably made his way back to the Fina station since that was probably his home territory.

Before I found the cat,whom I temporarily named Alexander, I had been really angry with my dad. That day, Saturday, I had spent hanging out with my friend, Ashley. When we got back to my house, my dad was sitting at the kitchen table going over bills. He said,"That inhaler you use cost me over 90 dollars!" I said,"Well, it's the only one that has ever worked for me." He replied,"Well, I'm not paying for that again!" Surprised, I said,"So, you just want me to be sick then?" He said,"Yeah, if that's what it takes!" I was hurt that he would say that to me. I felt like he didn't care whether or not I got sick and couldn't breathe. Then, I told myself that I shouldn't be surprised. I really, really wanted to tell him off and let him know that I thought he was acting like a jackass. I didn't though. I just went to my room and stewed in my anger and hurt. I called Tanya and told her what had happened. She said,"You know what he meant when he said,'if that's what it takes'?" I said,"No, I don't." She sighed and said,"He means if that's what it takes for you to get a job and pay for it yourself." I said,"Well, that's hateful too considering that I've been looking for a job the entire semester." She said,"Well, he's frustrated." My voice started to rise and I got defensive and said,"That's no excuse for him being so mean to me! He told me when I moved in here that he would support me as long as I was in school, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he went back on his word. It's what he usually does." Tanya said,"You're frustrated; he's frustrated. You said you snapped at him the other day." I said,"Yeah I did, but I wasn't hateful to him. When I was trying to drill the screw in the wall, he yelled,'You're not doing that right! It's going the wrong way!' Then, I said,'No I'm not!', but that's all I said. I've never been mean to him." She got quiet then and I told her,"I hate it when he is so mean to me. I don't think it's fair and I don't think I deserve it." She then changed the subject. When I found the cat, all my anger towards him melted away. I forgot about it temporarily and focused on taking care of the cat.

I didn't go anywhere yesterday. I did make some fractals though. I was having a numb day. I slept for most of the day. At one point when I was online, Ryk messaged me. I didn't really feel like talking to him. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but I did anyway. It was mostly small talk at first. How was your day and all that. I got silent for awhile and he asked me what I was thinking. I said,"I'm thinking that my back hurts really bad and that L is even more fucked up than I am." He said,"Who is L?" I told him that I had met her through another friend of mine,Lainie. L has several Live Journals and she has added me to three. One of them she uses for writing about her sexual experiences. I think she means for it to be erotic, but everytime I read it, I just think it's really sad. In the latest entry she talks about being 8 years old and walking in the park across the street from her house at night with a t-shirt and no panties on so she could masturbate in public. Also, she told about a time when she mutually masturbated with a 15 year old boy when she was 9 years old. Not only that, but they continued their sexual relationship. In past entries, she's talked about having multiple bed buddies and being gang banged when she was 15 or so. These things make me want to cry. So, when I told Ryk about all of this he said,"The masturbating in public thing is definitely weird, but the gang bangs I could understand." WHAT? I sat at my computer and stared at the words he had written in disbelief. I replied,"You think gang bangs are normal?" He said," Gang bangs and trains are pretty common where I come from." Getting angrier, I said," That doesn't mean that you should accept it as normative behavior." He replied,"I know 6 or 7 guys that have shared a girl." I was disgusted. Then, he dug his hole further when he said," Normal is a very subjective term. What is normal anyway? I believe that for a certain part of the population that is normal behavior." Shock, upon shock, upon shock. At that point, I couldn't talk to him anymore. I typed,"Whatever." and then got offline. I was so angry with him. I went to my room and tried to watch a movie. I laid there in my bed and the conversation kept repeating itself over and over in my head. Like it was on a loop. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I kept thinking of things I should have said to him. I really wanted to bring the issue home for him. I thought,"If you think it's so normal, then why don't you call up those 6 or 7 guys and have them run a train on your daughter, or your mother, or your sisters? That's normal right?" As I lay there fuming, I realized that he thinks like a rapist. There have been several other things he has said and done that I couldn't figure out. Like when he kept telling me that he was so unsatisfied with our sex life, but yet he would also tell me that I was the best sex partner he'd ever had. He kept telling me he wanted me to do these things which are totally contrary to my personality. We had several talks about what he wanted sexually and I thought I had made it clear to him that I couldn't do those things because they made me uncomfortable. I felt like he was pushing me. He was. Also, the incident when he asked me specific details about the rapes that have happened to me. He asked me questions like,"What were you wearing?","What were you doing?" and the one that really got me,"Do you remember anything about their penis sizes?" After I got mad and we fought about that, we talked and he agreed not to push me. Well, about a week later, he said that he wanted to sit down one time and ask me about my past. I thought,"Oh god, this is going to be just like when he asked me about the rapes." I said,"Why do you want to know about my past? I don't ask you about your past." He said,"Well, I want to know as much about you as I can." I replied,"I have never had to sit down with Sally, Tanya, or Ashley to tell them explicit details about my past. They've just learned it over the years of knowing me and caring about me." He said,"Well, you are not going to marry them." I got angry and said,"The only difference between you and them is that I've never had sex with them." That was when he backed off. There's this pattern with him of trying to force me to do what he wants me to do and then when I get stubborn and don't do it, he backs off. It's like he's trying to see how far he can push me. I hate that. I feel violated. I think he thinks that I'm a weak person because of all the things that have happened to me. I think he thinks I don't have the presence of mind to see what he's doing. That makes me really angry. I don't think I can continue this relationship. I'm so disgusted with him. I'm so hurt and angry that I'm shaking.