2.5.05

Force

I feel:: infuriated

I've been really depressed for the past few days. I wanted to write, but I couldn't get in touch with my feelings. I was just numb. I walked around the house just concentrating on what I was doing at that very moment. For some reason, I couldn't think beyond that moment. It's like I couldn't handle it. I don't know what that is. I don't know what to call it other than depression, although, sometimes I think my brain kind of shuts down as a defense mechanism. Or, maybe I'm just so used to operating that way that it's hard for me to get in touch with myself. Maybe these moments of clarity I have on my journal are oddities. I guess when I finish writing, I just go back to living in a fog. I don't know.

I was on my way to Tanya's the night before last and as I was driving past the Fina station, which is just down the road from my house, I spotted an orange cat sitting in the parking lot. I debated for a few seconds on whether or not to turn around and pick him up. I remember saying outloud when I saw him sitting there,"Oh, poor little baby!" So, I turned my car around and went back to see if he was still sitting there. I couldn't spot him at first, but after looking around, I saw him still in the same parking lot only further back by the trees. I pulled in and got out of my car. I didn't want to scare him away, so I started to walk slowly towards him calling sweetly,"Kitty, kitty, kitty?" He came right over to me and let me pet him. He was so sweet. He was purring and he even rolled over on his back for me to rub his belly. I petted him for awhile and then I picked him up to try to put him in my car all the while talking to him saying,"If I put you in my car, you have to promise not to spray, ok?" (He wasn't neutered. Male cats who aren't mark their territory by spraying something that is not urine all over the place and it is VERY pungent. You can never get the smell out of fabric once it has been sprayed.)Well, I forgot to unlock my car first and as I was going for my car remote, he jumped out of my arms. I started talking to him again, sweetly saying,"Oh, it's ok baby. Come here. Come here." I moved closer to my car and opened the driver's side door and sat down. He came right back to me and I petted him for a little while longer. He was curious about what was inside my car and was looking inside like he wanted to explore it. After some more petting and talking, I picked him up and put him in my car. He was afraid, of course. I was also afraid. I was afraid that he would either spray, defecate, or urinate in my car before I could get him to my house and into the back yard. ( I have two indoor cats, so I was going to put him in the back yard with some food and water until my dad decided whether or not we could keep him. If not, I was going to take him to the Humane Society today.) It's only about a 6 or 7 minute ride from the Fina station to my house, but I kept talking to him trying to get him to calm down. I pulled into my garage and closed the door. I let him out of my car and he immediately jumped out and started pacing around the garage. He was scared, which I understood, so I kept talking to him and trying to get him to come to me so I could pet him and comfort him. He eventually did. He started purring and rolled over on his back again. After he calmed a bit, I picked him up and went in my house. My two cats were very curious as to what I had in my arms, but I didn't stay inside for very long. I went directly to the back door and let him out in the back yard. Then, I went back inside and got some food and water for him. When I went back outside, he was walking around the yard smelling everything. He wouldn't come to me no mater how much I called him. I wanted to pet him a little bit before I left for Tanya's just to satisfy myself that he was comforted and not scared. He did eventually come up to the patio to eat some food. I gave up trying to get him to come to me, so I went back out to my car. As I was pulling out of my driveway, I saw him standing on top of our 10 foot wooden privacy fence. He jumped down from there and started exploring the neighbor's yard. That's the last time I saw him. I was hoping against hope that he would be here when I got home, but he wasn't. The food on the patio remains untouched. I hope he's ok. Tanya said he probably made his way back to the Fina station since that was probably his home territory.

Before I found the cat,whom I temporarily named Alexander, I had been really angry with my dad. That day, Saturday, I had spent hanging out with my friend, Ashley. When we got back to my house, my dad was sitting at the kitchen table going over bills. He said,"That inhaler you use cost me over 90 dollars!" I said,"Well, it's the only one that has ever worked for me." He replied,"Well, I'm not paying for that again!" Surprised, I said,"So, you just want me to be sick then?" He said,"Yeah, if that's what it takes!" I was hurt that he would say that to me. I felt like he didn't care whether or not I got sick and couldn't breathe. Then, I told myself that I shouldn't be surprised. I really, really wanted to tell him off and let him know that I thought he was acting like a jackass. I didn't though. I just went to my room and stewed in my anger and hurt. I called Tanya and told her what had happened. She said,"You know what he meant when he said,'if that's what it takes'?" I said,"No, I don't." She sighed and said,"He means if that's what it takes for you to get a job and pay for it yourself." I said,"Well, that's hateful too considering that I've been looking for a job the entire semester." She said,"Well, he's frustrated." My voice started to rise and I got defensive and said,"That's no excuse for him being so mean to me! He told me when I moved in here that he would support me as long as I was in school, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he went back on his word. It's what he usually does." Tanya said,"You're frustrated; he's frustrated. You said you snapped at him the other day." I said,"Yeah I did, but I wasn't hateful to him. When I was trying to drill the screw in the wall, he yelled,'You're not doing that right! It's going the wrong way!' Then, I said,'No I'm not!', but that's all I said. I've never been mean to him." She got quiet then and I told her,"I hate it when he is so mean to me. I don't think it's fair and I don't think I deserve it." She then changed the subject. When I found the cat, all my anger towards him melted away. I forgot about it temporarily and focused on taking care of the cat.

I didn't go anywhere yesterday. I did make some fractals though. I was having a numb day. I slept for most of the day. At one point when I was online, Ryk messaged me. I didn't really feel like talking to him. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but I did anyway. It was mostly small talk at first. How was your day and all that. I got silent for awhile and he asked me what I was thinking. I said,"I'm thinking that my back hurts really bad and that L is even more fucked up than I am." He said,"Who is L?" I told him that I had met her through another friend of mine,Lainie. L has several Live Journals and she has added me to three. One of them she uses for writing about her sexual experiences. I think she means for it to be erotic, but everytime I read it, I just think it's really sad. In the latest entry she talks about being 8 years old and walking in the park across the street from her house at night with a t-shirt and no panties on so she could masturbate in public. Also, she told about a time when she mutually masturbated with a 15 year old boy when she was 9 years old. Not only that, but they continued their sexual relationship. In past entries, she's talked about having multiple bed buddies and being gang banged when she was 15 or so. These things make me want to cry. So, when I told Ryk about all of this he said,"The masturbating in public thing is definitely weird, but the gang bangs I could understand." WHAT? I sat at my computer and stared at the words he had written in disbelief. I replied,"You think gang bangs are normal?" He said," Gang bangs and trains are pretty common where I come from." Getting angrier, I said," That doesn't mean that you should accept it as normative behavior." He replied,"I know 6 or 7 guys that have shared a girl." I was disgusted. Then, he dug his hole further when he said," Normal is a very subjective term. What is normal anyway? I believe that for a certain part of the population that is normal behavior." Shock, upon shock, upon shock. At that point, I couldn't talk to him anymore. I typed,"Whatever." and then got offline. I was so angry with him. I went to my room and tried to watch a movie. I laid there in my bed and the conversation kept repeating itself over and over in my head. Like it was on a loop. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I kept thinking of things I should have said to him. I really wanted to bring the issue home for him. I thought,"If you think it's so normal, then why don't you call up those 6 or 7 guys and have them run a train on your daughter, or your mother, or your sisters? That's normal right?" As I lay there fuming, I realized that he thinks like a rapist. There have been several other things he has said and done that I couldn't figure out. Like when he kept telling me that he was so unsatisfied with our sex life, but yet he would also tell me that I was the best sex partner he'd ever had. He kept telling me he wanted me to do these things which are totally contrary to my personality. We had several talks about what he wanted sexually and I thought I had made it clear to him that I couldn't do those things because they made me uncomfortable. I felt like he was pushing me. He was. Also, the incident when he asked me specific details about the rapes that have happened to me. He asked me questions like,"What were you wearing?","What were you doing?" and the one that really got me,"Do you remember anything about their penis sizes?" After I got mad and we fought about that, we talked and he agreed not to push me. Well, about a week later, he said that he wanted to sit down one time and ask me about my past. I thought,"Oh god, this is going to be just like when he asked me about the rapes." I said,"Why do you want to know about my past? I don't ask you about your past." He said,"Well, I want to know as much about you as I can." I replied,"I have never had to sit down with Sally, Tanya, or Ashley to tell them explicit details about my past. They've just learned it over the years of knowing me and caring about me." He said,"Well, you are not going to marry them." I got angry and said,"The only difference between you and them is that I've never had sex with them." That was when he backed off. There's this pattern with him of trying to force me to do what he wants me to do and then when I get stubborn and don't do it, he backs off. It's like he's trying to see how far he can push me. I hate that. I feel violated. I think he thinks that I'm a weak person because of all the things that have happened to me. I think he thinks I don't have the presence of mind to see what he's doing. That makes me really angry. I don't think I can continue this relationship. I'm so disgusted with him. I'm so hurt and angry that I'm shaking.

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