23.5.05

Follow The Yellow Brick Road!

I feel:: calm
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Do the voices singing in my head count for music?

My dad is still in the hospital. I don't know how long he will be there. I did all his laundry today and took him some clean shirts and boxers. He said he was having a really bad day today. That today was the worst day he had ever spent in the hospital. That's saying a lot since he's spent so much time in them. He was complaining that the room wasn't designed right and that the staff couldn't see past the ends of their collective noses. On Friday, he had me bring him two half-pints of Jack Daniel's Black Label whiskey. When we were on the phone I asked,"You can have that?" He said quickly,"We'll talk about that when you get here." He told me when I got to the hospital that the doctor said he could have it, but I have my doubts about that. Since when are hospital patients allowed to have alcohol? He told me that they were giving him Jim Beam yesterday. Great. I was pretty upset Friday when he asked me to bring him that whiskey. I thought to myself,"He can't even go a few days without alcohol?" I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. He's been drinking like that for at least 35 years.

Ryk and I had plans on Thursday night to go out to dinner for my birthday except I was so tired after running around doing all that stuff for my dad and having stayed up until like 6am that morning that when it got to be about 3pm, all I wanted to do was go home and crawl into my comfy bed. Ryk called me when I was on my way home and he said,"Well, I figure if you can meet me at my apartment at like 6:30 then we can get to the restaurant at about 7:00." I yawned and said,"I don't think I'm going to be up by 6:30." (I had only had about 3 hours of sleep.) He sounded disappointed but all he said was,"Ok, well, just call me when you get up." I woke up at 7pm. I rushed around and was bathed and dressed by 7:30. I called Ryk and told him that all I had to do was put on a bit of make-up and do something with my hair and I would be out of the house. I asked him if he wanted me to come to his apartment, but he said that he wanted me to meet him at the restaurant. I was out of the house and driving towards the freeway at 8pm. I called him. He was already at the restaurant. I told him I was on my way (the restaurant was Loca Luna) and that I'd be there in about 20 minutes. He told me that they closed at 9pm and that we should eat somewhere else. He suggested Senor Tequila. I didn't really want to go there, so I suggested Cozy Mel. He didn't know where that was. So, then I suggested we go to Juanita's since I like it and it was close to where he already was. We met there and got seated. He was really quiet all through the meal. When we were about halfway through eating, I noticed that they were putting up chairs and they had turned off the 'Open' sign. I looked at my cell for the time and it was 9pm. I thought,"What's the difference if we eat here or at Loca Luna when they both close at 9?" Ryk didn't eat hardly anything. I couldn't get him to talk to me very much the whole time we were there. Most of the time, he couldn't even look at me. That made me feel bad. We came to my house afterwards and we were both just saying really short sentences to each other. No laughter or loving looks or kisses like normal. We laid down in my bed and he asked me what was on my mind. I didn't know quite how to put it so I said,"I thought we would have had a better time tonight." He told me that he was upset because he had planned on going to Loca Luna and he was also upset because he didn't really like anything on the Juanita's menu. Well, I can understand that, but I thought it was my birthday?

Last night we got into a fight because he has basically been being Misty's support person. She calls him with all of her problems, even her sexual problems. (Misty is his ex-girlfriend and the mother of his kids.) He has been telling me about all of their conversations. I let it slide for awhile, but last night when we were talking on the phone I asked,"I thought you were only going to talk to Misty if it had something to do with the kids? The day of Richard's dedication at your church, I told you that it bothered me that you and Misty talked about everything so much when she should be talking to her husband and you told me that you wouldn't talk to her anymore except if it was about the kids. Now, it seems like that's not the case." He said,"You're right. I did tell you that and I went back on what I said. If it bothers you that much, I won't talk to her anymore unless it has to do with the kids." Of course it BOTHERS me. That's an understatement. She texts him when we are together with questions like,"Were you ever really happy with us?" She throws herself at him sexually. He told me last night that he had been tempted and he had passed the test. He said that he didn't want to and would never have sex with her again. I was satisfied with that answer last night, but today I thought,"If he was tempted, that means that he thought about doing it, so in some way he still wants her." Then I thought about what he said about how he was at a really vulnerable point sexually right now because we are not having sex. So, that makes me think that he thinks his being tempted is my fault because if I was having sex with him, he wouldn't be vulnerable and therefore wouldn't be tempted. That was a slap in the face. I was going to call him today, but I didn't. After I went to see dad in the hospital, I was going to go over to his apartment to see him, but I didn't. I started to feel those love feelings and I was missing him, then I thought about what was said last night and realized that I just didn't want to be around him, that I would rather be alone.

So, I went and took pictures of the house my mother grew up in and where I was first molested by my grandfather on King's Row Drive. As I was taking pictures of the house, these two Asian ladies pulled into the driveway in their car. I wasn't on their property, but one of them yelled,"What's going on?" I was sort of nervous, but I smiled my best sweet smile and walked over to her saying,"My grandparents used to live here. This is the house my mother grew up in. I just wanted to take a picture of it for my photo album." She turned out to be really nice and didn't mind that I was taking pictures of her house. After that, I drove out to Pleasant Valley to take pictures of the other house my grandparents lived in. I got there and there were two people working on a vehicle in the driveway, so I walked over to them, introduced myself, told them why I was there and asked them if it was ok for me to take pictures of their house. They were obliging so I walked out to the front of the house and prepared to take a picture when this middle aged man came walking down the front walkway at a fast clip. At first I thought he was going to yell at me, but he was smiling at me and said excitedly,"You should come back and take pictures next week! It'll have new paint then!" I breathed an inner sigh of relief and told him my story that I was wanting to take picutres of the house for my family so that we could have the memory. There was no way I was going to say,"Oh yeah, my therapist told me that I should come and take a picture of this house because my grandfather, who built this house, molested me here for 8 years." That would have gone over like a rock. So, I just smiled and pretended to be happy. He almost invited me inside, but I told him I had to go and that I would come back next week after it had been painted. When I got in my car, I exhaled all of the tension I had been holding in. I felt like I had been holding my breath the entire time. As I sat in my car and thought about going inside that house, I realized that I was getting panicky at just the thought of it. There was no way that I was going to go inside that house. Too many memories lying in wait there to pounce on me. I'm better today than I was the day I took the pictures of the house where I was raped the last time. I didn't come home and immediately go to bed. Instead, I went to Barnes and Noble and got a Carmel Frappucino and looked at funny books about cats. I stayed there until they announced that they were closing at 9:45. I drove home then and watched my cats play for about an hour. They're funny. They make me laugh a lot.

On Friday, Tanya took me out to eat for a birthday dinner. We met at Books A Million for coffee, but after finishing our coffees, we decided that we weren't hungry yet, so we both got in my car and we drove out to Pinnacle Mountain. We walked the nature trail. It's so pretty out there. The trees are so thick that they make a continuous canopy over you. I wish I had taken my camera with me. (We are going again tomorrow, so I'm going to take pictures then.) I saw some sort of tallish folliage along the side of the trail for most of the way and kept expecting to see fairies peeking out through the leaves or gnomes or something. It felt very magical. At one point, I hooked my arm in Tanya's and started skipping saying,"Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!" She wouldn't skip with me dangit.

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