I feel:: calm
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tomatito's Flamenco Guitar

Gretel In Darkness

This is the world we wanted. All who would have seen us dead
Are dead. I hear the witch's cry
Break in the moonlight through a sheet of sugar: God rewards.
Her tongue shrivels into gas...
Now, far from woman's arms
And memory of women, in our father's hut
We sleep, are never hungry.
Why do I not forget?
My father bars the door, bars harm
From this house, and it is years.

No one remembers. Even you, my brother,
Summer afternoons you look at me as though you meant
To leave, as though it never happened. But I killed for you.
I see armed firs, the spires of that gleaming kiln come back, come back-

Nights I turn to you to hold me but you are not there.
Am I alone? Spies
Hiss in the stillness, Hansel we are there
Still, and it is real, real,
That black forest, and the fire in earnest.
-Louise Gluck
Here is a poem that my mother wrote for me for my Christmas present

Lagrimas Para Tu

May your music heal your wounded soul
Let the sweet pain of your tears wash away the scars of agony
Let your heart sing and pour out it's grief
May the balm of music call out to your heart.
With each touch of the strings,entwine your spirit with
the unbound joy which can only be known by those who
have suffered and fought with valor for their very existence.
I can hear your music lilting and plaintive.
It echos and spirals through the essence of my being
gathering tears to transform as stars, winding to heaven and
falling back to release the tears held in my heart for you.
-Anne King


I Knew This Red Hair Would Come In Handy Some Day

I feel:: amused
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Guns 'N Roses~Paradise City

Redheaded Women Have a Unique Ability
Redheads are special! Women who have red hair have an innate ability to tolerate more pain than other people.

While testing the painkilling drug pentazocine, researchers from McGill University in Montreal discovered that the same gene that gives women red hair and fair skin also plays a role in the body's natural pain suppression system. However, it doesn't work for male carrot-tops. Redheaded women can tolerate more pain than anyone else, including men with red hair and men and women who do not have red hair. The others all had a similar and much lower tolerance to pain than flame-haired females.

"While we believe pain is the same in all women of all hair colors, our study shows women with red hair respond better to the painkilling drug we tested than anyone else--including men," lead researcher Jeffrey S. Mogil, a professor of pain studies at McGill, said in a news release.

Why would the gene that gives red hair and fair skin--identified as Mc1r--work differently in redheaded men and women? Mogil told Reuters that men and women are using different pain pathways. "If they were using the same pathways, then the redhead gene would have the same impact for both sexes," he added.

When we experience pain, our bodies attempt to dull the discomfort by releasing natural substances that are similar to medications like morphine. The gene Mc1r influences the pathway through which the body doles out those naturally occurring painkillers in women.

The research could affect how doctors prescribe pain medication, since it's clear that genetic differences impact how well a drug will work for individual people. The study findings were published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

--Cathryn Conroy

Vive las rojas!



I feel:: numb

I've been watching war stuff on CNN all day while trying to do my Algebra assignment. I wanted to have it done before I go to Florida, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm also supposed to correct this paper for comp class. Blah. I have to turn it in on Monday when I go back to class after break.

I feel weak today. Physically weak. My hands are shaking like my blood sugar is low. I suppose it is. I stayed up yesterday for nearly 24 hours and I only ate twice. I've had coffee and three biscuits today. I guess it's no wonder that I fee weak. I need to get motivated and finish my laundry and pack for vacation. I wish I didn't have to go to class tomorrow. I've missed too many days already. I just want to sit here and not move.

I'm still sort of in shock about the whole war thing.

The War Has Officially Started

I feel:: indescribable
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Evanescence~I Won't Let You Pull Me Down

Oh my God. I can't believe Bush actually went through on his threat. I'm watching the news right now and I can't really describe my feelings. I feel sort of like I did when I woke up on Sept.11 and realized that the towers were hit and were falling. I'm sort of shocked, but I'm sad as well. I think this action is very significant for the ultimate outcome of things. I just have a hunch, I can't explain it. I'm also scared. Not for myself, but for what this will mean for the rest of the world. I feel like crying right now. I'm sure I'll be up praying most of the night and many nights to come. I feel as though I'm witnessing history, like my dad must have felt when he saw Chiang Chi Chek's army sail out of China and Mao Tse Tung's army move in. Ohhhh, I'm going to cry like a baby now.


A Few Things I Woke Up Thinking About...

I feel:: awake

It is a misconception to think that some problems are psychological and some problems are spiritual. This implies a division between the human soul and spirit, which does not exist. There is no conflict which is not psychological, because there is no time when your mind, will and emotions are not involved. Similarly, there is no problem which is not spiritual. There is no time when God is not present or when it is safe to take off the armor of God. There is a tendency among Christians to polarize into a "deliverance" ministry, ignoring the realities of the physical realm, or a psychotherapeutic ministry, ignoring the spiritual realm.

Dr. Paul Hiebert, who teaches in the School of Missions at Fuller Theological Seminary, contends that, as long as believers accept "a two-tier worldview with God confined to the supernatural and the natural world operating for all practical purposes according to autonomous scientific laws, Christianity will continue to be a secularizing force in the world."

It is also a misconception to think that Chrisitians aren't subject to demon activity. If I, as a Chrisitian, am not subject to spiritual attack, why does the scripture tell me to resist the devil, to stand firm, to be alert? If I am not susceptible to being wounded or trapped by demonic attack, why would Paul describe my relationship to the dark powers as a wrestling match? A person who denys his enemy's potential for destruction is the most vulnerable to it.

Another misconception of mine: Freedom from spiritual bondage is the result of a power encounter with demonic forces. My freedom from spiritual bondage is not a power encounter; it is a truth encounter. God is the power, not me. What I have to do is to rest in the truth of God's word and He will do the rest. The truth will uncover the darkness and any evil that is there will have to leave. A demon's power is in the lie. The devil is the father of lies.

John 8:43,44
Why do you not hear what I am saying? It is because you cannot hear My word. You are of you father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature; for he is a liar and the father of lies.
He deceives the whole world.

Revalation 12:9
And the great dragon was thrown down, the serpent of old who is called the devil and Satan, who deceives the whole world; he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him.
Consequently, the whole world is under his influence.

1 John 5:19
We know that we are of God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.

A demon cannot do anything to change my position in Christ, but if he can deceive me into believing lies about me and God, I will spend a lot of time being completely ineffective and controlled by my fear. I must believe, declare, and act on the truth of God's word. Truth is the liberating agent. The power of a demon is in the lie and the power of the believer is in knowing the truth. I am supposed to pursue truth, not power.

Scripture sets it forth logically:
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32).

I am the way, the truth, and the life(John 14:6).

But when He, the Spirit of truth comes,He will guide you into all the truth(John 16:13).

I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one...Sanctify them in the truth;Your word is truth(John 17:15,17).

Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth(Ephesians 6:14).

Finally, brethren, whatever is true...let your mind dwell on these things(Phillippians 4:8).

I can't languish in my misery anymore. I'm too spiritually lazy. When I am depressed and when I am under attack, I cry out for God to deliver me, but my deliverance has already been achieved on the cross and in Christ's resurrection.It is my responsibility to exercise my authority in Christ.I'm tired of being batted around in this sick game. I'm tired of being the plaything for demons. It's way past time that I submitted myself to God and started really living my life for Him, instead of this charade that has been going on for the past few years. I admit that I'm lukewarm, but I don't want to be anymore.


I'm Sick

I feel:: crappy

It's just freakin great that I got sick right before Spring Break. I hope I can get rid of this before Friday.I'm so pissed. I hate being sick. I have two papers to write today and one of them I have to go up to school for. I have to see this concert at school at 2:30 today. I so do not want to leave the house. I feel so shitty. I think I have the same thing that Sally has.


I Finally Feel Not-So-Depressed

I feel:: content

I realized last night in between bouts of fitful sleep that I feel finally like I'm not depressed. I actually feel like I'm secure, right now anyway. I find it funny that I can have complex realizations like that while I'm sleeping. I can also do complex mathematics in my head when I'm asleep. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's bc I'm more relaxed? I don't know. I have a Spanish test today that I'm not totally prepared for. I'm not too worried about it though. There's only a couple of things that I need to look over.

I'm supposed to go out tonight with a bunch of people from the message board to a bar called The Factory. It's a gay bar, but there are a bunch of women going, only 2 men. There's supposed to be kareoke tonight. I'm sure that will be hysterical.

I talked to Eddie yesterday, that was cool. He was making a full English breakfast. Very impressed with that, yes I was. A man who can cook is a wonderful thing. Anyway, we had a nice convo and we are getting to know each other a little better, which is cool.

*sigh* I don't want to go to class today. I want to sleep in and go shopping. I suddenly have a need for some major retail therapy. Speaking of retail therapy, Laney is supposed to have my coat in this weekend. I can't wait to get it. It's so awesome.

Next Friday I'm going to Florida for a week! That is, if Sally can get over her virus in time, or whatever she has. I called her last night, and her mother said that she went to the doctor yesterday bc she was sick, but the doctor wouldn't give her any antibiotics bc she has a viral infection. Her mother said that she's really sick. I hope she gets better before the end of next week. I keep trying to get Sally to take herbal supplements instead of all those antibiotics she takes. I swear, that woman is a walking pharmacy. Her immune system is so messed up from taking too much antibiotics. Her body doesn't know if it's coming or going. She doesn't take care of herself at all and I used to get on to her about it, but she never does anything about it, so what's the use of wasting my breath?

I started taking Zyrtec D yesterday for my allergies, which will soon overcome me bc of Spring. It's a wonder. My sinuses haven't been this clear all winter. I'm amazed. I hope it doesn't have too many side effects. I seem to remember that one of the side effects is depression. I was thinking that maybe it works opposite on a person who is already depressed. Like Ritalin works the opposite on people who aren't hyper; it makes them hyper rather than slows them down. I can't think of any other reason why my mind feels so stable right now. That is the only thing about my routine that has changed.

I must get ready for school now.


Some People Can Be So Shitty

I feel:: hungry

I just woke up a few minutes ago. Monday morning. Ugh. The good thing about this morning is the Kona Double Chocolate coffee I'm drinking. I woke up from a really weird dream about riding on a bus. The bus driver was driving around from city to city. He kept driving by the place I wanted to go and stopping at other places and saying,"Is this your stop?" And I was all,"No, I need to go to Fordyce." So, when I woke up, I was walking from Kingsland to Fordyce along the highway with another girl whom I couldn't make out. I think it was Marcia, but I'm not sure. Why I was so determined to get to Fordyce, I have no idea. That town sucks. I mean some of the people are nice, but everytime I go back there, they just stare at me like I've grown antennae or something.

So, I got my piercing on Saturday. A Monroe. It's pretty swollen still and it leaks a little, but Brandi said that would be normal for a while. I clean it like 6 or 7 times a day and I have been rinsing with Listerine like 6 times a day. I'm so paranoid about keeping it clean. I don't want it to get infected and I've actually been praying that it doesn't. Thanks to Brandi's horror story about her Monroe piercing, I'm also paranoid that the ball will come off in the middle of the night and be loose in my mouth. I've been praying that that doesn't happen too.

My dad's bday was Saturday. He's 73 now. I went to a bday party for him that was given by his sister, Liz. I didn't get to stay long though. Just long enough to give him his present and to eat some Bananas Foster over ice cream that Liz had made. That stuff was the shit. It was so nummy. I gave my dad his bday present. I got him a $40 gift certificate from this new Japanese restaurant called Crazy Hibachi's. He can also use it at Chi's Chinese restaurant and at Sekisui Japanese restaurant. I like Crazy Hibachi's because they have three restaurants in one:Mongolian- (where you fix your own from the bar and take it to the cook and he cooks it for you) all you can eat for $16.95;Hibachi grill and Sushi bar. I don't eat sushi. It's just a principle of mine not to eat raw fish. I know some of it is cooked and that makes it a little better, but I still can't eat something like eel. My friend Sally loves it though. She even got Marcia to try some when we ate dinner there on Saturday. Marcia tried some raw tuna on rice. She made the funniest face! She was all,"Oh! It's stuck in my throat!" She reached for her water with a quickness.

Sally got her hair darkened on Saturday. She was barbie blonde and now she's golden brown. It's supposed to be golden anyway. I can't figure out if it's the color that her stylist used or the fact that Sally's hair is way overprocessed, but the color is uneven. It's darker on the new growth and gradually gets lighter as it goes toward the ends. It actually looks kind of gray in places. I think he should have used a color filler since her hair was so light. It would have evened out the color deposit. He also could have put some conditioner in the color before he put it on her hair, just to make it a little easier on her hair since it is kind of fried. She colors her own hair at home and she always does the whole lot of it every time. Sally's hair is waist length. Instead of just bleaching the new growth to match the rest, she would apply the bleach to all of her hair, which fried it, of course. I tried to tell her over and over again, that you just can't do that to your hair and expect it not to look bad. Oh my God, her hair was screaming for a toner. She was yellow blonde. I love her dearly, but she just does not need to be a home chemist with her hair.

Sally and I went out to see Eric Johnson (not my ex-another guy with the same name) play guitar at Juanita's on Saturday night. I was running late bc I had been hanging out at dad's bday party and I had to come home and get ready. The show started at 9:30 and Sally called me at 9:25 wanting to know where I was. I was driving up Vimy Ridge road. I was about 15-20 minutes away from her. She said that the show was sold out and that she had to buy our tickets from a scalper standing outside the club for $20 a piece. The club was selling them for $15. When I got there, she was standing outside the club with Brandon. He had emailed me a couple of days before and wanted to know what I was going to do this weekend. He said something about he wanted to go trout fishing. ???? Anyway, we stood there and chitchatted for a little bit. Brandon didn't go to the show with us bc he said that he didn't buy tickets from scalpers on principle. So, he said that he was going to go to The Underground Pub and have some beers. Sally and I went inside the club and got our usual drinks: mine-Sambuca, chilled, shaken, martini glass;hers-Sambuca, water, ice, tall glass. We love Sambuca. So, the place was way crowded and we couldn't walk around without squeezing by people much less find a place to sit. There was no place to sit, not even on the patio. So, we found a relatively open space to stand on the deck by the stairs, which was by the front door. Unfortunately, we decided to stand in front of these two guys who turned out to be total dicks. This one older guy (he had to be like 50) kept making all these passive aggressive comments. They weren't made directly to Sally and I, but he would say things to people walking by like,"You could get by better if these girls would move." So, we just kept standing there. Finally, the older guy says to me,"You do know this is a fire exit don't you?" I was all,"Yeah, and if this place catches fire, I'm going to be the first one out of here." He was all," You have heard about those 96 people that died when that club caught fire?" I was like,"Yeah,so what's your point?" He was all,"Do you intend to stand there for the entire show?" I was like,"Yes." He said," Well, you need to move because we were here way before you." I said,"This is a public place, and I can stand anywhere I please. If you don't like it, take it up with management." He said," I will." He made another comment about us moving to a different location and I said,"Look, there is no other place for us to go. It's crowded in here." I pointed to the people standing in front of the bar, the people standing on the back patio, the people standing on the back of the deck and the people standing in the pit and said,"None of those people have a place to sit and they all have to look around some one else. No one can see shit. It's crowded and you're just going to have to deal with it." He then said,"Is that how you got you're red hair?" (I'm such a dumbass right here, I totally set myself up for this one.) I said,"How's that?" He said,"By being a bitch." I was so stunned that I didn't have a reply and he said further," Or did you just grow into it." Both men were laughing at me at this point and I was so angry that I was shaking. I hate confrontations anyway, they give me flashbacks of things I would rather not remember. So, I went to Kevin, who is the head of security of Juanita's. He happened to be standing right behind these two guys and I told him what was going on and that I didn't know what to do. I also told him that that one guy called me a bitch. Kevin said,"Just stand there. They see you talking to me. Let me know if they keep fucking with you." When I went back to stand with Sally, the youger guy said,"It didn't work did it?" I didn't even look at him, I just flipped my hair over my shoulder and rocked out to the show. They made succeeding passive aggressive comments like,"All I can see is HAIR!", but Sally and I didn't acknowledge them at all. I told Sally,"My feet are cramping from standing here so long, but I'll be damned if I'm moving. As long as their here, I'm here. The only way I'll move is if God moves me." I had to go to the bathroom so bad, but I didn't because I was so mad. I just dug my heels in and refused to be moved. Those guys were such assholes. I started praying to the Holy Spirit to comfort me because I was so shaky and nervous. I kept thinking that you never know what people will do when they're angry and what if they're in the parking lot after the show waiting for us? The more I prayed, the better I felt. I even told God that I forgave them for being assholes, which is surprising given how vengeful I can be. After the show was over, Sally and I went to Midtown and had another Sambuca drink a piece. I got really bored really fast and I told her that I wanted to leave to go eat. She wanted to finish her drink and she wanted to go eat, so she asked me to wait on her. God, it took her a damn hour to drink that drink. All the while, I'm dying because of the cigarette smoke. In a normal club it usually doesn't bother me, but at Midtown, the club is so small and there is no ventiliation so it just hangs in the air. Finally, she finished her drink and we left. We went to IHOP for breakfast. We had chicken quesadillas and pancakes. We both had weird cravings that night.

On Sunday, I finally managed to write my two papers for Fine Arts class, for the theater part. I wrote a critique on a play called The Piano Lesson that I went to see at the Rep on Valentine's Day and I wrote a report on the play I went to see Friday night called The Vampire Lesbians of Sodom. I don't know how good of a grade I'm going to get. I think I remembered after I emailed my report to Dr. Chapman that he said in class that when we were writing our reports not to focus too much on the plot, but instead to tell about the costumes and the meaning of the play.Well, I kind of did both. I have a sinking feeling that he's not going to like my papers. It would be par for the course for this class. I just got a letter in the mail the other day inviting me to join the National Honor Society. Figures, two semesters of straight A's and now this one class fucks me up. God, I hate that class.

I have to get ready for school now.



I feel:: drunk
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Type O Negative~October Rust

I'm not really drunk, just tipsy. Just enough to be really sleepy and to say things the wrong way. What's really bad is that this all started earlier on tonight. I went to see a play at the Public Theater called Vampire Lesbians of Sodom with Ashley. Our friend James was in it. He played a vampire lesbian. He was in drag. It was completely hysterical. James was fabulous. The play was so camp. I loved it. So, after the play is over, James comes out from backstage and gives both Ashley and I big hugs. We told him he was fabulous and we chatted a little. We started talking about his red smoking jacket that he wore in one of the scenes as a dress. He had stockings on underneath it. He said,"Girl, I'm even wearing panties!" I looked at him wide eyed and said,"YOU'RE wearing panties?" Now, James is somewhat overweight. He knows that he has a weight problem and he's very sensitive about it. I know this and I understand this and I would never say or do anything to make him feel like he doesn't look good. I would never insinuate that he was fat in any way. Well, right after I blurted out what I did, James said, "Yeah girl, size 12X." He then lifted up his dress, which is way more than I wanted to see. I just hope he didn't take my comment the wrong way. I told Ashley to tell him that I didn't mean it derogatorily.

Ok, after the play, Ashley, Sally and I went to dinner at a mexican restaurant (well Tex Mex anyway) called Cozy Mel's. Our waiter was so shitty. We sat at our table for a good half hour before he took our order and to make things even worse, he kept coming by the table to fill our drinks and chips and refill salsa bowls and whatnot. But he never took our order. I was like, "Is he avoiding taking our order or what?" So, finally, he comes to take our order and Sally said,"I was driving down the street the other day and I saw these two construction workers in their truck just smoking a joint as big as you please and this one was kind of heavyset." The waiter looks at Sally and said, "That was probably my brother." And I said,"Was it you?" Then Sally goes, "He's not heavyset!" I was kind of loopy at this point and didn't realize how that comment sounded until Sally said something. I totally missed the part where she said the guy was heavyset. I was thinking construction worker and our waiter, although somewhat feminine, was large enough I thought to be able to do that kind of work and I thought that he might do it during the day as his full time job. Most waiters and waitresses have full time day jobs or at least another part time job. I told him that that is what I meant but I don't think he believed me. Well, I'll have to be sure and not get that waiter the next time I go there, especially since his service was crappy and I only tipped him 2 dollars on a twenty dollar tab. Shitty service=shitty tip.

I'm getting another facial piercing tomorrow. It's called a Monroe because it simulates a beauty mark. I'm excited. I know it will hurt though. I have been told that it takes about four weeks for those to completely heal and that it will be swollen for about a week and a half. Oh well, such is the price of beauty, right?

My freakin ear hurts. I hope I'm not getting an ear infection. It's been clogged up for about a month now and it's getting worse. I so do not want to go to the doctor and have it cleaned out. That will cause me to have an ear infection for sure. Ugh. I'm going to try to clean it out myself this weekend. I know that's nasty and all, but it's a part of life, right? And life is not always pretty.


Bring Me To Life

I feel:: hopeful

Last night, Laney, Julz, Syd and I went to CD Warehouse at Midnight to get the new Evanescence cd Fallen. It was so much fun. The news people from Channel Four were there and Lick was there. Hollywood was there too. It's always good to see him. He's such a flirt. We went to IHOP in NLR afterwards and ate and talked for several hours. Right around 2:30 Julz said that she needed to go home bc she had to work today. She said that she had to get up at 5:30! I was thinking that it might be better if she didn't go to sleep at all. My blood sugar was all over the place last night. Guess I shouldn't have pigged out on chocolate like I did. I woke up from my nap last night (I laid down bc I had a severe sinus headache and I wanted it to go away before I went to CD Warehouse.)and I was all shaking and it was worse than usual. I'm still shaking a little now, but I just ate so hopefully, I won't be like this all day.

I think I'm coming out of my depression funk, at least for the time being. I've been noticing that I'm starting to have more motivation to do things. The only problem now, is the ten or so pounds I gained while I was depressed. Ugh. I feel like I can feel the fat hanging from my body. I hate feeling this way. I know it's entirely my fault. I had just gotten to a weight that I liked and now this. *sigh* I hate having to lose weight. I just want to get at a weight where I'm happy and stay there. But then, yesterday was the chocolate binge. I realized that I'm totally addicted to it in the midst of my spree. I was eating it like a starving person. I think I ate half a bag of those little mini chocolate bars. I hate myself when I get like that. I need to find something other than food to comfort myself with or else I'll look like the Goodyear Blimp.

On a happier note, the new Fallen cd is awesome. I listened to it all the way home last night. I love the song My Tourniquet. (My God, my tourniquet. Bring to me salvation.-I love that line.)

I asked my Comp Prof. yesterday to read a poem that I had written just to get her opinion on it and she absolutely loved it. She even asked me if she could have a copy of it. So, I walked with her to the English Dept. office and she made a copy. She said that she was going to keep it in her bedside table and read it when she needed to feel better about herself. I wasn't looking for all of that praise, but it was nice. I really just wanted her opinion on my writing as a Prof.

Speaking of Profs., I got some good news from my Theater Prof. yesterday. I was supposed to write a critique on this play that I went to see on Valentine's Day with Sally at the Rep called The Piano Lesson. I didn't write it bc number one: I was severely depressed and couldn't seem to get motivated to do anything, much less write a stupid paper. Number Two: I lost my ticket stub and my program, both of which I was supposed to turn in with the critique. Next, I was supposed to go see this play at UALR called The Laramie Project. It was a play about that kid that got murdered in Utah bc he was gay. I wanted to see it, but I thought that it was running for two weeks,but it only ran for one. So, I missed it. I was supposed to write a report on that play. So, I figured I'm screwed. I talked to my Theater Prof. yesterday and he said that I could go ahead and turn in my critique for The Piano Lesson and if he had any doubts that I actually saw it that he would ask me some questions. He also said that I could go and see another play to write my report on in lieu of The Laramie Project. I told him that I am going to see a play Friday night that my friend, James, is in. He said that would be fine. So, I'm cool there. I was so going to drop that class bc I thought that there was no way that I was going to pass it without having those two papers. I didn't want my grade point to suffer. But, now I guess I don't have to drop it,which is cool bc if I had, it would have affected my loan status for next semester. Also, not cool, bc I have a test in there on Friday. *sigh* They always have so much info to study.
This is the poem that I wrote that my Comp Prof. liked so much:

You'll see through me.
You'll rescue me.
From the shadows of myself
that I creep around in.
I need you to say that
everything will be okay.
You'll tell me.
How to be like you?
You'll speak to me, right?
So these noisy, insane voices
will disappear?
In the name of Honesty.
I am an open book.
Laid bare and raw before you.
You won't leave me, right?
When you find out how crazy I am.
You'll stay with me, right?
When I try to push you away?
(copyright Angelish Productions)


These Wounds Won't Seem To Heal...

I feel:: depressed
The voices in my head are particularly demanding and loud today.

Ahhh.... so what's new... I'm still depressed. Dammit. I'm so freakin lonely I could just die. I want to be with someone and lie in his arms and at least feel like I'm loved, if not know it. It's so bad now that it's like a physical ache. To make matters worse, Erik called me on Monday night. That's the night that it iced so bad. He was all, "I'm in town and I'd like to see you." I was all,"Ummm... I don't know about that." God dammit! Just when I think I've gotten hold of my feelings for him he fucking calls me and reinserts himself into my life and now I'm all sad again. I can't seem to extricate myself from my feelings for him. I'm a fucking idiot for feeling this way. He has done nothing but hurt me in all the years that we've known each other, I can count on one hand the nice things that he's done for me. It's so bad that when I start to miss him, I have to sit down and make myself think of how shitty he treated me and I STILL MISS HIM. I'm such a damn sucker. I hate it. Fucking Erik, Fucking Prick.

I helped a new friend of mine move the other day. That was interesting to say the very least. Now I'm conflicted. I'm glad that my friend moved, because that means that said friend will be happier,but I just got to know said friend and now that said friend is gone, I feel like a part of me is gone too. I know that is ridiculous considering we don't know each other that well, but..... I'm a sap. *sigh*

I talked to another friend the other night and that was such a treat. I didn't think I would ever get to talk to him other than just message and reply on his lj. But he IM'd me the other night and we talked for a good while. I'm so glad. Now, he's evidently physically hurt by something that happened to him the other night. He has stitches and I'm worried, but I don't want to seem to concerned because we barely know each other and I feel like he is wary of me as it is. But at the same time, I wish so much that there was SOMETHING I could do. I would lay a cold compress on his head, or make him tea, or rub his feet or his back. Whatever would make him feel better. I have this strange desire that he be completely happy and I don't know why this is, because, like I said, we barely know each other. I wish he would tell me how he is now and I would like to know what happened,but the latter wish is just being nosey. I really just want to know if he's ok.