4.3.03

Bring Me To Life

I feel:: hopeful

Last night, Laney, Julz, Syd and I went to CD Warehouse at Midnight to get the new Evanescence cd Fallen. It was so much fun. The news people from Channel Four were there and Lick was there. Hollywood was there too. It's always good to see him. He's such a flirt. We went to IHOP in NLR afterwards and ate and talked for several hours. Right around 2:30 Julz said that she needed to go home bc she had to work today. She said that she had to get up at 5:30! I was thinking that it might be better if she didn't go to sleep at all. My blood sugar was all over the place last night. Guess I shouldn't have pigged out on chocolate like I did. I woke up from my nap last night (I laid down bc I had a severe sinus headache and I wanted it to go away before I went to CD Warehouse.)and I was all shaking and it was worse than usual. I'm still shaking a little now, but I just ate so hopefully, I won't be like this all day.

I think I'm coming out of my depression funk, at least for the time being. I've been noticing that I'm starting to have more motivation to do things. The only problem now, is the ten or so pounds I gained while I was depressed. Ugh. I feel like I can feel the fat hanging from my body. I hate feeling this way. I know it's entirely my fault. I had just gotten to a weight that I liked and now this. *sigh* I hate having to lose weight. I just want to get at a weight where I'm happy and stay there. But then, yesterday was the chocolate binge. I realized that I'm totally addicted to it in the midst of my spree. I was eating it like a starving person. I think I ate half a bag of those little mini chocolate bars. I hate myself when I get like that. I need to find something other than food to comfort myself with or else I'll look like the Goodyear Blimp.

On a happier note, the new Fallen cd is awesome. I listened to it all the way home last night. I love the song My Tourniquet. (My God, my tourniquet. Bring to me salvation.-I love that line.)

I asked my Comp Prof. yesterday to read a poem that I had written just to get her opinion on it and she absolutely loved it. She even asked me if she could have a copy of it. So, I walked with her to the English Dept. office and she made a copy. She said that she was going to keep it in her bedside table and read it when she needed to feel better about herself. I wasn't looking for all of that praise, but it was nice. I really just wanted her opinion on my writing as a Prof.

Speaking of Profs., I got some good news from my Theater Prof. yesterday. I was supposed to write a critique on this play that I went to see on Valentine's Day with Sally at the Rep called The Piano Lesson. I didn't write it bc number one: I was severely depressed and couldn't seem to get motivated to do anything, much less write a stupid paper. Number Two: I lost my ticket stub and my program, both of which I was supposed to turn in with the critique. Next, I was supposed to go see this play at UALR called The Laramie Project. It was a play about that kid that got murdered in Utah bc he was gay. I wanted to see it, but I thought that it was running for two weeks,but it only ran for one. So, I missed it. I was supposed to write a report on that play. So, I figured I'm screwed. I talked to my Theater Prof. yesterday and he said that I could go ahead and turn in my critique for The Piano Lesson and if he had any doubts that I actually saw it that he would ask me some questions. He also said that I could go and see another play to write my report on in lieu of The Laramie Project. I told him that I am going to see a play Friday night that my friend, James, is in. He said that would be fine. So, I'm cool there. I was so going to drop that class bc I thought that there was no way that I was going to pass it without having those two papers. I didn't want my grade point to suffer. But, now I guess I don't have to drop it,which is cool bc if I had, it would have affected my loan status for next semester. Also, not cool, bc I have a test in there on Friday. *sigh* They always have so much info to study.
This is the poem that I wrote that my Comp Prof. liked so much:

You'll see through me.
Right?
You'll rescue me.
Right?
From the shadows of myself
that I creep around in.
I need you to say that
everything will be okay.
You'll tell me.
Right?
How to be like you?
Healthy.
Functional.
You'll speak to me, right?
So these noisy, insane voices
will disappear?
In the name of Honesty.
I am an open book.
Laid bare and raw before you.
You won't leave me, right?
When you find out how crazy I am.
You'll stay with me, right?
When I try to push you away?
(copyright Angelish Productions)

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