I feel:: accomplished

I'm leaving for Cornerstone in the morning (well, later on this morning actually). I just finished packing and I still feel like I've forgotten something. Well, I'm sure I'll remember what it was that I forgot once I get 16 hours away from here. I'm so beat. I'm going to go to bed now. I just wanted to tell everyone bye before I left. I'm going to have lots of things to post and lots of pics to show when I get back!!!


The Word 'O The Day Is...

I feel:: bitchy


My Face Hurts

I feel:: aggravated

Sinus pain is a bitch. I have no sinus medicine that does not make me drowsy, so I guess I'll just have to suck it up. I'm going over to watch Alisha's kids again this afternoon. I like them, but I'm beginning to wish that I hadn't told her that I would watch them. I guess I'm just whining because I don't feel well today. I think I'm running a fever. I can't seem to totally get rid of this funk. This is going on 3 weeks that I've had it. Freaking Chronic Fatigue. :-(

I'm leaving for Cornerstone on Saturday and will be gone until Sunday, the 6th of June. I'm going to start packing tonight. I have some laundry to do. Not much. I did most of it the other day.

I'm going to have to miss my Pilates class again this week because of watching Alisha's kids. I probably shouldn't go anyway. I'd probably just make myself sicker with the exertion. I guess I'll go to Yoga tomorrow night. *sigh* I just want to go back to bed and sleep for the rest of the day.

Paul is teaching me this guitar intro to a Fleming and John song that is totally awesome. He started to tab it out for me last night. He got so engrossed in the guitar intro that he didn't even realize that my half hour was up! I burned him a copy of it from my hard drive. At least I can burn cd's and play them on a different device. I can't share my music files because when I put them on to Sonic Stage, it encrypted them to where they can only be played on my comp.


Perception skews from lack of sleep. Did you know that?

I feel:: sleepy
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: If snippets of varying choruses of songs I know that keep running through my head count as music, then I'm listening to Type O Negative right now.

Ok, so, I got up at 2:30. Stayed up and then went to get my hair colored. My appt. was for 9am. I had to stop at the gas station across the street from the salon to get a soda and something to eat in case my blood sugar dropped. I was feeling the warning signs, so I figured it would be better safe than sorry. So, I walk up to the counter and this bald Arabian man starts talking to me and asking me all sorts of questions about myself. Things like am I married. Where do I live. Do I have kids. All the while I'm trying to be as vague as possible and still be polite I'm thinking,"This guy should wear a pin that says,'Hello, I'm your new stalker'. Right before I leave he says bye to me, but I have my back turned to him in my attempt to make a hasty, but smooth retreat.

So, I get to the salon at 9. Get the hair done. Nothing weird happens there. I left at 11:30. I drove to Fordyce to get my car worked on. I got to Fordyce at 1:00pm. As I'm getting out of my car in the parking lot, I can see my dad's friend who is the owner of the car dealership standing on the showroom floor looking at me. When I walk in, he says loudly and with the best astonished good ole boy tone of voice,"Yor haud looks lak it's on far! Whut in th' worrrld have you dun to yer hair?" I say very politely, " I had it colored right before I came here." I got no reply, just a laugh. Well, it took the service dept until 3:30 to finish my car. So, afterwards, I went to Sonic on the main drag in Fordyce to get something to eat. Nothing much weird happened there.

I started my drive back to Little Rock. Between Fordyce and Sheridan, I started to get really sleepy and had to force myself to stay awake. So, when I got to Sheridan, I went into a convenient store and bought two of the Starbuck's Double Shot Espressos. I drank one and felt a little peppier. By the time I got to Benton, I felt just fine. Tanya called me while I was driving through Benton and said that she was going to eat dinner with her mother and after that she wanted to get some coffee with me at Books A Million in North Little Rock. So, I'm all,"That's fine. Just call me when you get through eating with your mom." On the way home, I started to crash, so I drank the other Starbuck's Espresso. So, that was four shots of Espresso.
I met Tanya at about 7pm at Books A Million where I got a Grande Iced Latte, which had two shots of Espresso in it. That was six for me in the space of about 3 hours, with virtually no food. Yeah, I was speeding my ass off. So, this is where the day starts to get really weird. This is kind of gross, but you know what happens to your body when you drink lots and lots of coffee? Well, when I drink lots and lots of coffee, my body decides to elimate everything en masse. Coffee should be marketed as an intestinal cleanser.

So, I'm in the ladies.. ahem taking care of business,when I hear a woman and her little girl of about 2 come into the restroom. They then proceeded to have a conversation that was a bit like the "Who's on First?" bit. The lady says to the girl,"Mommy has to go potty, so stand right there and don't touch anything. No, don't touch that. That's dirty. Can you say dirty?" I hear the little girl's small voice say,"dirty". The woman began again,"Mommy has to potty, so you stand right there and don't move. No, don't touch that. That's garbage. Can you say garbage?" The little voice responded,"garbage". And again,"Mommy has to go potty, so you stand right there and don't touch anything. No, that's not a ball that's garbage. Can you say garbage?" The little voice says,"garbage". This went on for another good ten minutes or so. I thought to myself,"Is it me, or is this really weird?" Finally, business was concluded in the ladies and I came out. I told Tanya that I had to get something to eat, as I was speeding my ass off, I would probably get nauseous from having so much caffeine and not enough food. So, she said that she would go with me to get something to eat even though she had already eaten.

I drove around aimlessly. Tanya said,"Where do you want to go?" I said,"I don't know. You pick." She said,"I'm not the one eating." I said,"I know, but I can't think right now, so you pick, and I'll drive." We wound up going to this little restaurant called The San Francisco Bread Co. It was pretty good. The weird thing was, while I was standing in line trying to concentrate on reading the menu ( my blood sugar had plummeted by this time and I had had way too much caffeine and not nearly enough sleep, so consequently, I was highly disoriented and could only concentrate momentarily and only on one thing at a time,), Tanya disappeared. I turned around and she was gone. I got my water and went to the front door thinking maybe she stepped outside for a smoke. No Tanya. So, I sat down at a table and thought to myself,"I've been walking around all night in Books A Million thinking that Tanya was with me. I've been driving around thinking Tanya was with me. I've been talking to myself, she never was there. But if that's true, then how did I get here?" At that moment, everything was so surreal, like I wasn't in my body, but watching it from a distance. Then, Tanya emerged from the ladies. I was so relieved. I felt like I had been holding my breath. I told her what I had just thought and she looked at me like I was crazy and laughed.

So, yeah, lack of sleep, lack of food, plus too many espressos will cause a shift in perception. I just wanted to state that for the record.

Insomnia AGAIN

I feel:: awake

I've been awake basically since 2:30. I made myself lie in bed until 3:30am and then I got up. I went to sleep at 11:30. I so wish I could get my sleeping patterns back to normal.

I'm going to get my hair done today at 9am. I'm going to post some pics here of what it looks like. I hope it turns out the way I want it to. I'm kind of nervous.
After I get my hair done, I have to go to Fordyce to get my car worked on. There's some recalled part that has to be taken off and the new one put on and my air conditioner is not working. It also needs to be serviced. So, yeah, I'll be there for awhile.

I'm still coughing somewhat. I can breathe a ton easier though. The only thing that's bothering me really besides my odd sleep patterns is that my throat is really sore.My lymph nodes feel like brussels sprouts. They are not as swollen today as they were yesterday, which is good. I'm still downing the tea that I bought and the green drink and all of my supplements. Although I'm switching off days with the green drink and the supplements. I take supplements every other day and the green drink every other day on the day I don't take supplements. It seems to be working. The green drink has all of the vitamins and minerals and things that I need, so I figure why do I need to take supplements with it? This will most likely change though. I'm probably just being lazy and not wanting to take all of that because that's a lot of stuff to take at one time. I finally got my other supplements in today from the Vitamin Shoppe. I ordered them last Thursday and got them on Wednesday. What was supposed to be a 2-3 day ship time was 6 days. They need to state that on their website. I was kind of pissed off that it took so long to get here. I mean, when I ordered them, I needed them right then. The only reason I ordered from them in the first place is because they are so much cheaper than the natural foods store here. Well, I guess I'll just have to not run out of stuff again.

I went shopping yesterday and bought all kinds of lingerie. I was surprised to find pretty bras in my size and with panties to match. Usually, all the bras in my size look like the Lunch Lady bras. You know, the kind with the heavy double seam right across the nipple, which means that every time you wear a shirt that's even a little thin, you have that line right across the middle of your boob and they have like 15 million hooks in the back and the strap in the back is like a foot wide. I hate those kind. They look like some kind of medieval torture device. I was going to get a sports bra, but again, I have trouble, mainly because, even though I get sweaty and nasty when I work out, I still don't want to look like I have Uniboob. Those sports bras make two boobs look like one horizontal boob. Not cool.

My dad ordered awnings for the back of our house. The workman came today to put the first one up. It took him like 8 hours. I'm excited. Now I can hang my windchimes out there. When I told my dad that, he didn't look too thrilled, but oh well. He wants to hang birdfeeders out there too. That will be cool. I love watching the birds in the morning. I'm sure my cats will get a kick out of that too. When I was in WalMart the other day, I thought about getting a fish tank and some fish just for the entertainment value of watching my cats watching fish. I'm sure that would make for some excellent photo opportunities.

I got a letter from UALR yesterday inviting me to be a part of a Spanish project in which a team of people would go around the local high schools and elementary schools with a traveling puppet show. The purpose of this being to help close the language barrier between Spanish speaking students and English speaking students. The 03 Fall semester would be spent writing and practicing and then in Spring of 04, we would start going to the schools. The letter also said that I can use this class for two senior level Spanish credits. Yay! I'm thinking about doing it. The only thing is that next semester, the class will meet on Mondays between 1pm and 3:30pm. My Spanish class is on MWF at 1pm. I'll have to move it if I want to participate in that project.

Well, I guess that's all for now.



I feel:: melancholy

I found my cat. I feel so ultimately stupid now for freaking out.

My Little Bit

I feel:: infuriated
The loudness of silence is deafening.

Well, thanks to the ineptitude of my father, my cat, Little Bit, has gotten out again. I went to look for him, but he's no where to be found. I'm so frustrated with him and his lack of observing what's going on around him. I've tried and tried and tried to explain to him how important my cats are to me. That they are a part of me, my family, but he just doesn't understand. I would like to punch him dead in the mouth right now. I'm so angry with him.

I feel like I could just collapse into a heap and cry for days. I'm nauseous. I'm having panic attacks. You name it. I'm pretty freaked out. Sometimes.......*sigh* I just don't know how much I want to continue with all of this. Is it really worth it? Yeah, I'm suicidal too on top of everything else. It seems like all I do all the time is cry. I fight and tear and claw my way to where I want to be and then some idiot throws a monkey wrench in the gears of my life and I'm fucked. What did I ever do to be treated the way my dad treats me? Is this the result of bad karma or something?


I wish I had some pain killers so I could just knock myself out for a couple of days.



I feel:: sick
What I hear now is the sound of my lungs begging for relief.

I am officially going to Cornerstone. I bought my ticket online this morning. They had extended the time that you could buy them under the gate price until the 18th, so I figured I would jump on that. I found some people to go with, which is cool, and I'm going to be camping with them and their friends. My friend Gary Lansdown is going to be there too. He's been in Latvia forever. I haven't seen him for at least a year. I hope he brings his wife with him so I can finally meet her.

I'm making an appt. tomorrow to get my hair recolored. I think the last time I got it done, it turned out too light and washes the color from my face. I also wanted more of a contrast, not look like I had been in the sun. I think what I'm going to do is go really coppery red and have the bottom inch or half inch of my hair be black. Sort of ala Berlin in the 1980's, only no blonde and no bangs. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to put them here. I'm also very intrigued right now with hair falls and I'm thinking of getting some. I think they have them at that wig store down by the round theater.

I have to go to Wally World today and stock up on the things I will need for Cornerstone, since I'm leaving next Thursday. Sometime between now and the time I leave, I have to go to Fordyce to get my car serviced and the recalled parts taken off and new ones put on. What a pain in the ass. I have to drive an hour and a half every time I have to get something done to my car just bc my dad pays for it and he doesn't trust anyone else to work on the car. Oh well, at least it's not coming out of my pocket. I was thinking of getting some SkinSoSoft for bug repellent. I used that the last time I went to Cornerstone and it worked pretty well although I stank to high heaven, but everyone there stinks, it's part of the Cornerstone experience.I think I will get some Patchouli oil though, so at least I can smell earthy and not chemically.

I'm still sick. The stuff I'm coughing up is no longer clear, it's brown. I think that's a bad sign. At least it's coming out though. My supplements I ordered online should be here soon. *pray* I really need that respiratory cleanser right now and they don't sell it any more at the Wild Oats store here dammit.

Oh well, I gotta go before I pass out.


I feel:: sick
There's only the voices here in my head to keep me company.

I can't sleep for shit..... again. I'm dead tired though, but I can't stop hacking and I can't breathe very well at the moment. This sucks so hard. I wish I could get over this funk. I was going to go to bed at like 2, but ....... well you know.

I went to Wally World with Marcia after we left Sufficient Grounds. (Thank you Dale for hanging out and buying my dinner! Muchas gracias! Very sweet of you!) I bought Animatrix on dvd and Clash of the Titans. I haven't seen that movie in years. I used to love to watch it on Sunday afternoons on UPN when they showed B movies.

I'm so frustrated with my body! I need an upgrade.



I feel:: drained

Yes, I live under a rock and this is the first time I am watching the 03 MTV Music Awards. Ummmm I just have one thing to say: Hugh Jackman with long hair. The Aussie accent. I just about fainted!. I thought he was fine with short hair!

I just can't get over Hugh Jackman with long hair. He looks amazing!


I feel:: pissed off
There's no music. Just the sound of me coughing up one of my lungs.

Yeah, I've been up all night. I can't sleep for shit and I'm mad about it. I'm so tired, but when I lie down, I just can't seem to fall asleep. I did drift off for about 30 minutes, but then I heard a noise and I wide awake again. This pisses me off. This is the first time I've ever been sick and couldn't sleep. Usually when I'm sick, all I do is sleep. This time, every time I lie down I start wheezing and then I start coughing because I can't breathe. Doesn't make for a very restful night. Yay for scarred lungs.

Rain, Rain Go Away

I feel:: sick

Ok, it's raining like cats and dogs here. Lainie said that it was hailing over at her place. What's up with all the thunderstorms recently? The power went out today. And my satellite is all screwy because of the weather. Grrrrrrr.

I'm getting better from being sick. I thought for awhile that I was really coming down with something, but thank God for herbal tea. It saved me from getting some severe chest congestion. I feel so much better today.

I think I found another curve in my spine. That would make three total. Great. That's all I need is ANOTHER curve. It hurts a lot. Like the muscle around it is spasming or something. I hope my new Yoga classes will straighten out my spine some. I don't want to be one of those twisted old ladies who can't even walk.

I practiced my guitar today for about an hour. My fingertips on my left hand are very sensitive now, but I did make some progress. Yay! I had to miss my guitar lesson on Tuesday because of my sickness. My guitar teacher is a long time friend of mine and he's married with two little ones. I didn't want to show up and have all of them be sick because of me.

I missed my Pilates class tonight because I'm not strong enough to do that yet. The first class I took fatigued my muscles, and I was not sick then. So, I know I definitely couldn't do it now. Hopefully I can go to Yoga tomorrow night.
I'm watching Animatrix. It's really good. I love Anime anyway. I'm going to have to get this on DVD.

Ok, so I'm rambling and I'm going to stop now.

My back hurts, dammit. *sigh*


I Feel Lost (and sick)

I feel:: crappy
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Bride~Everybody Knows My Name

Well, I'm sick...again. Dammit. Why is it that when I start getting something good going in my life for myself that I get sick? It's like powers beyond my control are working to keep me bored and out of shape. I'm frustrated and sick of sitting in the house all the time because of my freakin sicknesses.



I feel:: excited

7/30 US Philadelphia, PA Trocadero
Type O Negative=US Date-Philly-next month!!!!!


Drama,drama, drama. I can't stand any more fucking drama.

I feel: indescribable
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Fleming and John~Delusions of Grandeur

Anita left me a nice nasty message on my cell today. I've written her out of my life for lieing to me and setting me up with some guy who tried to rape me. She's also lied to several other friends of mine, so she's on the permanent shit list. I can't stand people like that; that have to create some sort of fucked up scenario where everyone is persecuting them and they make the picture of themselves like they are the proverbial lamb led to the slaughter.

Well, I did 3 miles at the gym on the glider on Monday. Two hours of yoga yesterday, and 2 hours of Pilates today. I'm going to be paying for the Pilates class in the morning. I can already feel it.

Paul called me today and wants me to come and hang out with him at his new place. I've been carrying around this horrible guilt for almost 1 1/2 years for breaking up with him;he was so hurt and I was hurt that I hurt him. Oh man. I almost can't stand to see him and I know he still feels something for me. How do you explain to a man that even though you love him that he's just not the one for you? How do you say it without it coming off sounding like some lame excuse that you are hiding behind so as not to reveal your true feelings when those are my true feelings? *sigh* My heart breaks every time I see him or talk to him because I can still hear the hurt and the hope in his voice. Jesus I don't know what to do. praypraypraypraypraypraypraypraypraypraypraypray

I think I'm getting over the shakes from what happened the other night. Now, I'm just pissed off. I need to find some way to vent my anger, I guess that's why I've worked out so much this week.

Well, I'm going to try to go to sleep.


Disney movie freak right here.

I feel:: busy

I went to Sufficient Grounds last night to hang out with Lori and Daniel since they are moving to Indiana on Tuesday. I will miss them a lot. I hope they like it there.

I went to Midtown after and hung out for awhile. Iwas hoping to run into Nick, Anita, and Laney, but I talked to Laney today and she said that they had already left by the time I got there. I met a pretty nice guy last night named Chris. He was all into me last night, but when I talked to him today on MSN Messenger, he was pretty non interested. Oh well. His loss.

I haven't done much of anything today except the laundry. I'm going to work out in the morning with Ashley and after that we are supposed to get food and go see Finding Nemo. I can't wait to see that movie. It looks so cute and I'm really surprised that Ashley, Miss Queen of the Stage, wants to see it. She is usually to embarrassed to go see Disney movies with me. She picks on me sometimes and says that I'm a freak for liking Disney movies as much as I do. Well, I guess we all have in inner freak don't we?