Secret Sunday



Thursay Thirteen

1. Ben and Jerry's, I've only recently discovered, makes this super addictive ice cream flavor (I guess they're all addictive!) called Oatmeal Cookie Chunk that is now my favorite. I had some the other night and I've been craving it ever since. It looks like that 5 pounds I lost is in danger of coming back with a vengeance.

2. I've started making wishlists at various websites, mostly for Hello Kitty stuff so far (because I'm a freak like that), so that I can remember and keep track of all the stuff I need and just want. I'm not materialistic by any means. Really I'm not. I guess what really happened yesterday, which was the day of the wishlist-making, I was really bored and this helped me pass the time. And...ahem...if anyone wanted to buy me any of that stuff...my birthday is coming up next month. Not that I'm asking or anything. *smile*

3. Here at my apartment I have to park my car on the street. There is not much space between the building in which I live and the street. There's a little strip of what one might label loosely a "yard", the sidewalk and then the street. In the back of my mind I'm always a little bit paranoid that some crazy person will come careening around the curve in the street where my car is parked and slam into it. Granted, everyone on this street, at least this area of this street, has to park on the street. No one has hit my car yet, but what has been happening lately is that big trucks or busses will come around the curve a bit close to the side of the street and the noise of those big 'ole rattling engines sets off my car alarm. It happened a week or so ago at about 3am. If I had not been awake, I would never have known and my alarm would have just continued to blare and not only would it have run my battery down, but awakened everyone else who lives in this building and probably some people next door and across the street. It annoys me and scares me. I don't want someone in my building filing a complaint against me. I have six cats here when I'm only supposed to have three. I don't want to get kicked out of my apartment again.

4. I still don't have a job. Despite the fact that I've sent out like 100 or so resumes to different places. I'm depressed and scared. I know my dad will pay my rent and other bills, but how long will he be able to continue that while paying his own rent and bills? It's not fair that he should have to shoulder that responsibility, but at the same time, I would be out on the street if he hadn't been doing it. I'm frustrated with the lack of communication from my potential employers, but I don't know what to do about it.

5. The girl across the hall from me moved out sometime last week. The other day, I happened to be going out of my apartment and noticed that the door was unlocked and because I'm a nosey bitch, I let myself in. Oh my god. That apartment is so much nicer than mine! It has a newer refrigerator, a newer stove and diswasher, newer cabinetry, a hanging decorative light fixture in the kitchen, the wood floors aren't as scarred, new fixtures in the bathroom, the paint job is not half-assed like mine is and the heating/cooling unit is not stuck up inside the utility closet like it is in my apartment. What the hell??! I would ask to transfer to that apartment if it weren't such a pain in the ass to move all my stuff. I still don't even have all my stuff unpacked here yet.

6. So, I bought a bunch of Hello Kitty stuff last night (On dad's cc. I did ask him before I did it.) and I'm so excited about it. I can't wait for it to get here! I love my Hello Kitty. It's my secret embarrassing addiction. Kind of like the people who secretly watch American Idol, but are too embarrassed to admit it. On the one hand I feel too old to be into all this Hello Kitty stuff, but on the other hand I feel like it helps me to connect with the childhood I never had.

7. I'm thinking seriously about cleaing house today. I haven't really done anything since last week when I had a marathon 6-hour house cleaning event. Lainie had just moved out and there was a lot of stuff sitting in the kitchen that I hadn't unpacked, as well as all of my book collection just sitting in boxes in the hallway. Plus, the kitchen floor was filthy. Lainie's cat's had peed everywhere and she never did clean it, she just let it dry. So, I finally tackled that. Thank God, the kitchen floor is tile and didn't absorb the cat pee smell. The kitchen looks great now. There's only one more box of stuff for the kitchen that I have to unpack. Then, I can start tackling my room. Who knows when that will be, though.

8. I've started seriously doing the herbal supplementation thing again. I'm hoping that by doing it, I can be more healthy and have more energy. I got a big tub of my old stand-by, greens powder, which has well...everything in it that you could possibly ever want or need for your body. It does, however, taste just like it looks-like grass. It's kind of sweet at first, but after the first few sips it gets bitter. When I first started supplementing with this stuff it literally made me gag, but I've taken enough sour-face medicine in my life to put on my big-girl panties and drink it down. Now that I'm back with drinking it everyday (I mix it with juice now instead of water like I did before. It tastes a lot better that way.) I actually am starting to crave it. Weird, huh? Baby steps. I'm also taking Vitamin C (more immune support), Vitamin E (10000 I.U. daily for free radical protection and to shrink the fibrostic cysts in my breasts), Calcium (skin, hair, teeth, bones), CoQ10 (for my heart, also free radical protection), L-Carnitine (for my sugar cravings and to help my body convert fat to energy), and Chromium Picolinate (to help regulate my blood sugar levels). My next goal is to start back to excercising on a regular basis.

9. I am seriously going to have to get a new mattress set. I thought with the purchase of the mattress pad and mattress enhancer I got a few weeks ago that would fix the problem, but I'm still rolling into a hole in my mattress. It frustrates me into loud cursing. I'm sure it's funny to watch, but damn... What does a girl have to do just to get some sleep? If my cats hadn't peed on the damn mattress in the first place, I never would have had to dissemble the pillow top part, wash it and put it back in. That's when the hole appeared. I guess I'll try to get a new foam insert for the pillow top. That part is separate from the rest of the mattress. You can zip it off and take out the foam insert and padding. That's how I took it off to wash it. The unfortunate thing is that it's only a one-sided pillow top mattress. I can't flip it. I didn't think about that when I got it. I mean, why would I? Right? I'll be posting another wishlist for the mattress set I want along with a new bed frame. Mine is cracking and basically going to fall apart any day now. It was cheap.

10. The more I watch the news, the more I realize how much bullshit they feed us and how tv itself is becoming more and more a method of control. I still sit in front of it and veg out completely. What does that say about me?

11. I did a Karma Reading on Astrology.Com just for shits and giggles. It said basically that in my former life logic and reason were my guides, everything was black/white or useful/non-useful and that I am uncomfortable in this life with my emerging intuitive abilities. I am now convinced that I was a man in my former life.

12. I have way too much time on my hands at this point in my life. I need some focus. Some kind of purpose. I was thinking last night, not for the first time, that I haven't really had a definite purpose for my life in a long time. Well, there was college and that was good for awhile, but it seems like that's over, for now anyway. I've read somewhere that a person has to have a purpose in their life or they lose hope. That's where I feel like I am right now. I'm trying to keep my hopes up, but it's really hard. I'm not the kind of person that can just go to a job and have that be my life. I need something else. Something I care about. Something altruisic. When I was working with Sold Out Ministries all those years ago and running the battered women's shelter I had purpose. I sincerely believed that what I was doing was the right thing and that it was what I was put on this Earth to do. Then, it all ended and I was left in the lurch with nothing and no one. I've tried to reclaim that purpose many times since then, but it seems that the fire has just gone out. I don't know if it's because I've lost my faith or belief in myself or if that time and that specific purpose was just for that specific time and now that it's over it's just...over. It could be some of both. I still struggle with faith issues ever since the rape in '96. It literally knocked me flat and I really don't know how to get my faith back. I seem to be taking these ultra-tiny, ultra painfully slow baby steps when what I want to do is take leaps. I want my faith back. I want to feel the presence of God in my life every day like I used to. I suppose that's mostly up to me, isn't it? If I can just get up off my depressed ass and do it.

13. I didn't post my Post Secret Sunday pic this week so here is the one I picked out:

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Sad Boobs And Big-Girl Panties

Why is it that nearly every women's clothing retailer doesn't cater at all to so-called "plus-size" women? Why is it that nearly all "plus-size" clothing is so ugly and unflattering that vomit on plaid would look better?

Yeah. I went shopping yesterday. I felt like I needed a few things to add to my wardrobe for future interviews and hopefully a future job. I also thought I needed some retail therapy. I thought wrong. I went first to Target. Mistake. Nothing fit and if it did fit it was so unbelievably horrid...I don't have the words. Plus, there was some construction (I'm assuming that's what it was.) going on in the back of the store. Every few minutes there would be this super loud noise like a drill (I felt like it was drilling into my skull.) and a bunch of yee-haw sounding guys yelling at each other about what they were "fixin'" to do. Did that up my anxiety level? Yeppers. Did that make it easier to get out my uber-fine-toothed comb to plow through all of the hideousness that is the plus-size section? Nope. Did that make it any easier for this depression addled, eating disorder prone woman to look at herself half naked in the dressing room mirror which was flooded with that icky flourescent light? Nope. Nope. Nope. Did I leave Target swearing that not only would I never darken their door again but also never eat again? Yep.

My mantra for yesterday: Food is bad.
Then I went and got ice cream.

I continued to torture myself after Target and went to Penney's hoping to find a bra that would fit me. Now, let's be clear here. I wear a 38-40 DDD. At Penney's, I found all of two (count 'em TWO) bras in my size in the whole lingerie area. Plus, I found a strapless number I thought I would try on just for shits and giggles. Nowadays, most clothing and whatnot have those little exploding ink thingies attatched to them to prevent people from walking out with them. Well, the strapless bra I tried to try on had one of those too. I tried (I kid you not.) for 15 minutes to get that damn bra on. I worked myself into a lather trying to do it. Finally, I just sat down on the little shelf in the dressing room they try to pass off as a place to rest. So, I tried the other ones. They were so tight, I thought my boobs were going to choke me. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for NOT having the "do your boobs hang low" look, but I don't want them all up in my neck either. I guess the insensitivity to people larger than average size extends all the way down to bras and panties. I had to get one though, because the bras that I have are not only too small but they make my boobs look sad. I can't have sad boobs. I'd rather have the pointy dangerous boobs. So, I got the boobs-in-my-neck bra.

So, to borrow a phrase from Girl, Dislocated, it was a big girl panty day yesterday (she says "put on your big girl panties and deal with it"). Aside from the fiasco that was shopping, I had several crying jags while driving around in my car and I brought some ice cream to one of my best friends while she was at work, but it turned out she was in a meeting and the ice cream melted before I could give it to her.

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Sometimes I Can See So Clearly

And other times it's a crapshoot.

I had an astounding moment of clarity the other night right before I fell asleep. This is usually the time my mind is the clearest, although lately it hasn't been because of all the stress in my life. Anyway, I was able to make a mental list of things I'm thankful for despite the fact that my life sucks right now. Here are some of them:

I am thankful for my depression because it makes me relish even more the times when I'm not depressed.
I'm thankful for my anxiety because it makes me realize what life can be like without it.
I'm thankful for Lainie being here for three agonizing months, because when she finally leaves, I'll be more grateful for my time alone. I've also learned a little bit about emotional blackmail from her and I'm learning how to stand up for myself in the face of it.
I'm thankful for my parents and how awful they treated me because now I now what not to do with my kids if I ever have any.
I'm thankful for the times I cry because if I couldn't I really would go crazy.
I'm thankful for being jobless because it makes me more thankful for a job when I do have one and makes me act more sensibly with my money.
I'm thankful for being overweight because now I know what it feels like to be fat.
I'm thankful for my past drug and alcohol abuse because it helps me to live sober when I remember how pitiful I was.

I guess I missed making my "thankful list" in November. I think that's kind of corny anyway that people only take the time one day a year to be thankful for things they have (and don't have). That gets on my nerves, but maybe I'm being too judmental. That's part of the reason I hate the holidays. It's all the "let's all be thankful and remember God" just for that time of the year and at no other time. I think it's hypocritical.

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I Hate Food.

I decided yesterday to start trying to get information on recovering from my eating disorders. I'm working on recovering from my depression and personality disorders, so why not the eating disorders, too? I'm just in the reading phase right now. I haven't decided what exactly to do yet. But this is a good step.

I bought a book called Runaway Eating by Cynthia M. Bulik, Ph.D. and Nadine Taylor M.S., R.D.

There was a checklist of things to look at in the book to help people see their disordered eating. Here's what I checked:

Your weight has dropped to an abnormally low point or risen to an anormally high point.

You divide foods or behaviors into clear-cut "good" or "bad" categories.

You eat a lot of noncalorie foods such as diet soft drinks, coffee, mustard, gum, or spices to satisfy your appetite.

You often use food to reward yourself.

Eating makes you feel guilty.

Yur weight seems to go up and down, with dramatic fluctuations of 10 pounds or more.

You always seem to be on a diet.

You worry about your body not being small enough, thin enough, or good enough.

You compare yourself physically with others and feel inferior.

You feel in control when you're at a weight that is abnormally low for you.

You often eat when you're not hungry.

You completely avoid certain foods like sugar or bread because they are "fattening."

You can't get through an entire day without worrying about what you can or can't eat.

You don't like your body.

You feel that happiness will elude you until you lose weight.

You are preoccupied with weight, food, diets, and calories.

You eat in secret.

You alternate between severly restricting your eating and eating large quantities of food.

You've dieted on and off for most of your life.

You're very afraid of gaining weight and becoming fat.

You often eat until you're uncomfortably full.

You've had an out-of-control eating binge at least one time in the past year.

You eat to make yourself feel better emotionally, but it ends up making you feel guilty and depressed.

You become anxious around food.

At the end of this list, depending on how many a person has checked, it gives basic conclusions about the warning signs of developing or mild eating disorders. Mine said, "In addition to using the self-help strategies in this book, see a physician or a mental health professional for help." Duh.

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I don't know what the hell is going on with my sidebar. I've been trying to fix it for a couple of hours and now I'm sick of looking at all the code. That's what I get for trying to put Adsense in a place where it's not so garish. I want to make some money off my blog (I'm even thinking about doing the PayPerPost thing again.),but I don't want my blog to look like one big commercial.

Tacky. To say the very least.

If anyone has any ideas about how I can get my sidebar back to where it's supposed to be I'd love to hear them.

Things I've done already:
1. Reduced the size of the picture on the left side.
2. Reduced the amount of padding for the main content so that it's moved farther over to the left to make up for the smaller picture.
3. Reduced the amount of padding for the header so that it is also moved farther over to the left.
4. Edited picture posts so that the pictures in them are smaller to avoid pushing the sidebar down.
5. Resized the width of the sidebar.

What have I not done that I need to do?

P.S. I didn't set my clock forward last night. I'm such a rebel. (yeah right)


Secret Sunday



Shooter Kills 7 At Israeli Seminary And A Bomb In Times Square

Gunman Kills 7 At Israeli Seminary

Coincidentally (or not) there was a bomb that exploded in Times Square early this morning.

I find these two events too coincidental not to relate them. Also, since the bombing, the peace talks bewtween Israel and Palestine have ceased. I nearly cried when I saw the story. I don't know why, I just have a special place in my heart for Israel and Palestine. They both have done unspeakable things to the other's people. I don't have much hope for seeing peace there in my lifetime, but I still get sad for all the people who have died and all of the violence that has happened there.

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Thursday Thirteen

1. I've been jobless for a week and a half and I'm going crazy with boredom.

2. I've sent out dozens of resumes online and have yet to hear back from anyone.

3. I'm registered with 3 local employment agencies and have not heard from them either.

4. I'm going to have to call my dad today and ask him to help me pay the rent this month and listen to him berate me for not trying hard enough to find a job and blame me for losing the one I had.

5. Lainie is still here. That has it's very own set of problems. She said she would be moved out by the end of next week, but I don't think that's going to happen. I think (I know) she's just blowing smoke up my ass.

6. I will have exactly no money once the rent is paid.

7. My depression/bipolar support group meets tonight. I suppose I'll go.

8. I find myself becoming more and more frustrated with my situation and blaming myself more and more for my depression and lack of job situation.

9. The first thing I thought of upon waking this morning was cutting.

10. I haven't been feeling very inspired to write lately. I suppose I could; it would just take too much energy that I don't have.

11. I feel boring as hell.

12. It snowed here on Tuesday. The first time this year. Nothing stuck on the streets, but it was really pretty on the houses, trees and grass.

13. I really need to get out of the house today. I feel like I'm going stir crazy.



Scribble Flame (Wordless Wednesday)

I found some new software (freeware to be precise) with which to make my beloved fractals. I'm excited about it. The software I used to make this is called Apophysis. I put the link in my sidebar as well. It's not as detailed as Ultra Fractal and you can't do as many things with the designs, but they are based on different types of basic fractal forms: the flames. I have never seen these before, so I'm pretty excited about it. Now, if I can find a way to export one of these flames to my Ultra Fractal I'll be ecstatic. Here's the first flame fractal I made: (click to get a larger version of this)

I also found out just tonight from a website I found that you can make fractals into music. I'm going to have to try that out.

Last week, I finally made it down to Southern Reprographics and talked to Joe, who I used to go to church with and who does the digital art there, about getting my fractals rendered from disk to canvas. He said that would be no problem and that it would only cost me $8 per square foot of canvas. Of course I'll have to get the canvas stretched before I can sell it, but I think I'm making good progress. I'm also encouraged, which is something I haven't been in a long time.

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Secret Sunday