Thursay Thirteen

1. Ben and Jerry's, I've only recently discovered, makes this super addictive ice cream flavor (I guess they're all addictive!) called Oatmeal Cookie Chunk that is now my favorite. I had some the other night and I've been craving it ever since. It looks like that 5 pounds I lost is in danger of coming back with a vengeance.

2. I've started making wishlists at various websites, mostly for Hello Kitty stuff so far (because I'm a freak like that), so that I can remember and keep track of all the stuff I need and just want. I'm not materialistic by any means. Really I'm not. I guess what really happened yesterday, which was the day of the wishlist-making, I was really bored and this helped me pass the time. And...ahem...if anyone wanted to buy me any of that stuff...my birthday is coming up next month. Not that I'm asking or anything. *smile*

3. Here at my apartment I have to park my car on the street. There is not much space between the building in which I live and the street. There's a little strip of what one might label loosely a "yard", the sidewalk and then the street. In the back of my mind I'm always a little bit paranoid that some crazy person will come careening around the curve in the street where my car is parked and slam into it. Granted, everyone on this street, at least this area of this street, has to park on the street. No one has hit my car yet, but what has been happening lately is that big trucks or busses will come around the curve a bit close to the side of the street and the noise of those big 'ole rattling engines sets off my car alarm. It happened a week or so ago at about 3am. If I had not been awake, I would never have known and my alarm would have just continued to blare and not only would it have run my battery down, but awakened everyone else who lives in this building and probably some people next door and across the street. It annoys me and scares me. I don't want someone in my building filing a complaint against me. I have six cats here when I'm only supposed to have three. I don't want to get kicked out of my apartment again.

4. I still don't have a job. Despite the fact that I've sent out like 100 or so resumes to different places. I'm depressed and scared. I know my dad will pay my rent and other bills, but how long will he be able to continue that while paying his own rent and bills? It's not fair that he should have to shoulder that responsibility, but at the same time, I would be out on the street if he hadn't been doing it. I'm frustrated with the lack of communication from my potential employers, but I don't know what to do about it.

5. The girl across the hall from me moved out sometime last week. The other day, I happened to be going out of my apartment and noticed that the door was unlocked and because I'm a nosey bitch, I let myself in. Oh my god. That apartment is so much nicer than mine! It has a newer refrigerator, a newer stove and diswasher, newer cabinetry, a hanging decorative light fixture in the kitchen, the wood floors aren't as scarred, new fixtures in the bathroom, the paint job is not half-assed like mine is and the heating/cooling unit is not stuck up inside the utility closet like it is in my apartment. What the hell??! I would ask to transfer to that apartment if it weren't such a pain in the ass to move all my stuff. I still don't even have all my stuff unpacked here yet.

6. So, I bought a bunch of Hello Kitty stuff last night (On dad's cc. I did ask him before I did it.) and I'm so excited about it. I can't wait for it to get here! I love my Hello Kitty. It's my secret embarrassing addiction. Kind of like the people who secretly watch American Idol, but are too embarrassed to admit it. On the one hand I feel too old to be into all this Hello Kitty stuff, but on the other hand I feel like it helps me to connect with the childhood I never had.

7. I'm thinking seriously about cleaing house today. I haven't really done anything since last week when I had a marathon 6-hour house cleaning event. Lainie had just moved out and there was a lot of stuff sitting in the kitchen that I hadn't unpacked, as well as all of my book collection just sitting in boxes in the hallway. Plus, the kitchen floor was filthy. Lainie's cat's had peed everywhere and she never did clean it, she just let it dry. So, I finally tackled that. Thank God, the kitchen floor is tile and didn't absorb the cat pee smell. The kitchen looks great now. There's only one more box of stuff for the kitchen that I have to unpack. Then, I can start tackling my room. Who knows when that will be, though.

8. I've started seriously doing the herbal supplementation thing again. I'm hoping that by doing it, I can be more healthy and have more energy. I got a big tub of my old stand-by, greens powder, which has well...everything in it that you could possibly ever want or need for your body. It does, however, taste just like it looks-like grass. It's kind of sweet at first, but after the first few sips it gets bitter. When I first started supplementing with this stuff it literally made me gag, but I've taken enough sour-face medicine in my life to put on my big-girl panties and drink it down. Now that I'm back with drinking it everyday (I mix it with juice now instead of water like I did before. It tastes a lot better that way.) I actually am starting to crave it. Weird, huh? Baby steps. I'm also taking Vitamin C (more immune support), Vitamin E (10000 I.U. daily for free radical protection and to shrink the fibrostic cysts in my breasts), Calcium (skin, hair, teeth, bones), CoQ10 (for my heart, also free radical protection), L-Carnitine (for my sugar cravings and to help my body convert fat to energy), and Chromium Picolinate (to help regulate my blood sugar levels). My next goal is to start back to excercising on a regular basis.

9. I am seriously going to have to get a new mattress set. I thought with the purchase of the mattress pad and mattress enhancer I got a few weeks ago that would fix the problem, but I'm still rolling into a hole in my mattress. It frustrates me into loud cursing. I'm sure it's funny to watch, but damn... What does a girl have to do just to get some sleep? If my cats hadn't peed on the damn mattress in the first place, I never would have had to dissemble the pillow top part, wash it and put it back in. That's when the hole appeared. I guess I'll try to get a new foam insert for the pillow top. That part is separate from the rest of the mattress. You can zip it off and take out the foam insert and padding. That's how I took it off to wash it. The unfortunate thing is that it's only a one-sided pillow top mattress. I can't flip it. I didn't think about that when I got it. I mean, why would I? Right? I'll be posting another wishlist for the mattress set I want along with a new bed frame. Mine is cracking and basically going to fall apart any day now. It was cheap.

10. The more I watch the news, the more I realize how much bullshit they feed us and how tv itself is becoming more and more a method of control. I still sit in front of it and veg out completely. What does that say about me?

11. I did a Karma Reading on Astrology.Com just for shits and giggles. It said basically that in my former life logic and reason were my guides, everything was black/white or useful/non-useful and that I am uncomfortable in this life with my emerging intuitive abilities. I am now convinced that I was a man in my former life.

12. I have way too much time on my hands at this point in my life. I need some focus. Some kind of purpose. I was thinking last night, not for the first time, that I haven't really had a definite purpose for my life in a long time. Well, there was college and that was good for awhile, but it seems like that's over, for now anyway. I've read somewhere that a person has to have a purpose in their life or they lose hope. That's where I feel like I am right now. I'm trying to keep my hopes up, but it's really hard. I'm not the kind of person that can just go to a job and have that be my life. I need something else. Something I care about. Something altruisic. When I was working with Sold Out Ministries all those years ago and running the battered women's shelter I had purpose. I sincerely believed that what I was doing was the right thing and that it was what I was put on this Earth to do. Then, it all ended and I was left in the lurch with nothing and no one. I've tried to reclaim that purpose many times since then, but it seems that the fire has just gone out. I don't know if it's because I've lost my faith or belief in myself or if that time and that specific purpose was just for that specific time and now that it's over it's just...over. It could be some of both. I still struggle with faith issues ever since the rape in '96. It literally knocked me flat and I really don't know how to get my faith back. I seem to be taking these ultra-tiny, ultra painfully slow baby steps when what I want to do is take leaps. I want my faith back. I want to feel the presence of God in my life every day like I used to. I suppose that's mostly up to me, isn't it? If I can just get up off my depressed ass and do it.

13. I didn't post my Post Secret Sunday pic this week so here is the one I picked out: