Thursay Thirteen

1. Ben and Jerry's, I've only recently discovered, makes this super addictive ice cream flavor (I guess they're all addictive!) called Oatmeal Cookie Chunk that is now my favorite. I had some the other night and I've been craving it ever since. It looks like that 5 pounds I lost is in danger of coming back with a vengeance.

2. I've started making wishlists at various websites, mostly for Hello Kitty stuff so far (because I'm a freak like that), so that I can remember and keep track of all the stuff I need and just want. I'm not materialistic by any means. Really I'm not. I guess what really happened yesterday, which was the day of the wishlist-making, I was really bored and this helped me pass the time. And...ahem...if anyone wanted to buy me any of that stuff...my birthday is coming up next month. Not that I'm asking or anything. *smile*

3. Here at my apartment I have to park my car on the street. There is not much space between the building in which I live and the street. There's a little strip of what one might label loosely a "yard", the sidewalk and then the street. In the back of my mind I'm always a little bit paranoid that some crazy person will come careening around the curve in the street where my car is parked and slam into it. Granted, everyone on this street, at least this area of this street, has to park on the street. No one has hit my car yet, but what has been happening lately is that big trucks or busses will come around the curve a bit close to the side of the street and the noise of those big 'ole rattling engines sets off my car alarm. It happened a week or so ago at about 3am. If I had not been awake, I would never have known and my alarm would have just continued to blare and not only would it have run my battery down, but awakened everyone else who lives in this building and probably some people next door and across the street. It annoys me and scares me. I don't want someone in my building filing a complaint against me. I have six cats here when I'm only supposed to have three. I don't want to get kicked out of my apartment again.

4. I still don't have a job. Despite the fact that I've sent out like 100 or so resumes to different places. I'm depressed and scared. I know my dad will pay my rent and other bills, but how long will he be able to continue that while paying his own rent and bills? It's not fair that he should have to shoulder that responsibility, but at the same time, I would be out on the street if he hadn't been doing it. I'm frustrated with the lack of communication from my potential employers, but I don't know what to do about it.

5. The girl across the hall from me moved out sometime last week. The other day, I happened to be going out of my apartment and noticed that the door was unlocked and because I'm a nosey bitch, I let myself in. Oh my god. That apartment is so much nicer than mine! It has a newer refrigerator, a newer stove and diswasher, newer cabinetry, a hanging decorative light fixture in the kitchen, the wood floors aren't as scarred, new fixtures in the bathroom, the paint job is not half-assed like mine is and the heating/cooling unit is not stuck up inside the utility closet like it is in my apartment. What the hell??! I would ask to transfer to that apartment if it weren't such a pain in the ass to move all my stuff. I still don't even have all my stuff unpacked here yet.

6. So, I bought a bunch of Hello Kitty stuff last night (On dad's cc. I did ask him before I did it.) and I'm so excited about it. I can't wait for it to get here! I love my Hello Kitty. It's my secret embarrassing addiction. Kind of like the people who secretly watch American Idol, but are too embarrassed to admit it. On the one hand I feel too old to be into all this Hello Kitty stuff, but on the other hand I feel like it helps me to connect with the childhood I never had.

7. I'm thinking seriously about cleaing house today. I haven't really done anything since last week when I had a marathon 6-hour house cleaning event. Lainie had just moved out and there was a lot of stuff sitting in the kitchen that I hadn't unpacked, as well as all of my book collection just sitting in boxes in the hallway. Plus, the kitchen floor was filthy. Lainie's cat's had peed everywhere and she never did clean it, she just let it dry. So, I finally tackled that. Thank God, the kitchen floor is tile and didn't absorb the cat pee smell. The kitchen looks great now. There's only one more box of stuff for the kitchen that I have to unpack. Then, I can start tackling my room. Who knows when that will be, though.

8. I've started seriously doing the herbal supplementation thing again. I'm hoping that by doing it, I can be more healthy and have more energy. I got a big tub of my old stand-by, greens powder, which has well...everything in it that you could possibly ever want or need for your body. It does, however, taste just like it looks-like grass. It's kind of sweet at first, but after the first few sips it gets bitter. When I first started supplementing with this stuff it literally made me gag, but I've taken enough sour-face medicine in my life to put on my big-girl panties and drink it down. Now that I'm back with drinking it everyday (I mix it with juice now instead of water like I did before. It tastes a lot better that way.) I actually am starting to crave it. Weird, huh? Baby steps. I'm also taking Vitamin C (more immune support), Vitamin E (10000 I.U. daily for free radical protection and to shrink the fibrostic cysts in my breasts), Calcium (skin, hair, teeth, bones), CoQ10 (for my heart, also free radical protection), L-Carnitine (for my sugar cravings and to help my body convert fat to energy), and Chromium Picolinate (to help regulate my blood sugar levels). My next goal is to start back to excercising on a regular basis.

9. I am seriously going to have to get a new mattress set. I thought with the purchase of the mattress pad and mattress enhancer I got a few weeks ago that would fix the problem, but I'm still rolling into a hole in my mattress. It frustrates me into loud cursing. I'm sure it's funny to watch, but damn... What does a girl have to do just to get some sleep? If my cats hadn't peed on the damn mattress in the first place, I never would have had to dissemble the pillow top part, wash it and put it back in. That's when the hole appeared. I guess I'll try to get a new foam insert for the pillow top. That part is separate from the rest of the mattress. You can zip it off and take out the foam insert and padding. That's how I took it off to wash it. The unfortunate thing is that it's only a one-sided pillow top mattress. I can't flip it. I didn't think about that when I got it. I mean, why would I? Right? I'll be posting another wishlist for the mattress set I want along with a new bed frame. Mine is cracking and basically going to fall apart any day now. It was cheap.

10. The more I watch the news, the more I realize how much bullshit they feed us and how tv itself is becoming more and more a method of control. I still sit in front of it and veg out completely. What does that say about me?

11. I did a Karma Reading on Astrology.Com just for shits and giggles. It said basically that in my former life logic and reason were my guides, everything was black/white or useful/non-useful and that I am uncomfortable in this life with my emerging intuitive abilities. I am now convinced that I was a man in my former life.

12. I have way too much time on my hands at this point in my life. I need some focus. Some kind of purpose. I was thinking last night, not for the first time, that I haven't really had a definite purpose for my life in a long time. Well, there was college and that was good for awhile, but it seems like that's over, for now anyway. I've read somewhere that a person has to have a purpose in their life or they lose hope. That's where I feel like I am right now. I'm trying to keep my hopes up, but it's really hard. I'm not the kind of person that can just go to a job and have that be my life. I need something else. Something I care about. Something altruisic. When I was working with Sold Out Ministries all those years ago and running the battered women's shelter I had purpose. I sincerely believed that what I was doing was the right thing and that it was what I was put on this Earth to do. Then, it all ended and I was left in the lurch with nothing and no one. I've tried to reclaim that purpose many times since then, but it seems that the fire has just gone out. I don't know if it's because I've lost my faith or belief in myself or if that time and that specific purpose was just for that specific time and now that it's over it's just...over. It could be some of both. I still struggle with faith issues ever since the rape in '96. It literally knocked me flat and I really don't know how to get my faith back. I seem to be taking these ultra-tiny, ultra painfully slow baby steps when what I want to do is take leaps. I want my faith back. I want to feel the presence of God in my life every day like I used to. I suppose that's mostly up to me, isn't it? If I can just get up off my depressed ass and do it.

13. I didn't post my Post Secret Sunday pic this week so here is the one I picked out:

Thursday Thirteen

1. I've been jobless for a week and a half and I'm going crazy with boredom.

2. I've sent out dozens of resumes online and have yet to hear back from anyone.

3. I'm registered with 3 local employment agencies and have not heard from them either.

4. I'm going to have to call my dad today and ask him to help me pay the rent this month and listen to him berate me for not trying hard enough to find a job and blame me for losing the one I had.

5. Lainie is still here. That has it's very own set of problems. She said she would be moved out by the end of next week, but I don't think that's going to happen. I think (I know) she's just blowing smoke up my ass.

6. I will have exactly no money once the rent is paid.

7. My depression/bipolar support group meets tonight. I suppose I'll go.

8. I find myself becoming more and more frustrated with my situation and blaming myself more and more for my depression and lack of job situation.

9. The first thing I thought of upon waking this morning was cutting.

10. I haven't been feeling very inspired to write lately. I suppose I could; it would just take too much energy that I don't have.

11. I feel boring as hell.

12. It snowed here on Tuesday. The first time this year. Nothing stuck on the streets, but it was really pretty on the houses, trees and grass.

13. I really need to get out of the house today. I feel like I'm going stir crazy.

Thursday Thirteen #8

Thirteen Things About Anias Nin

13 Books I Own That I Have Either Not Read Or Not Finished Reading

1. The Hollow Hills~Mary Stewart (not started)
2. The Tale of Gengi~Murasaki Shikibu (the first book written in Japan by a woman-not finished)
3. Last of the Amazons~Steven Pressfield (not finished)
4. Jane Eyre~Charlotte Bronte (not finished)
5. The Memoirs of Cleopatra~Margaret George (not finished)
6. The Satanic Verses~Salman Rushdie (not finished)
7. The Grass Crown~Colleen McCullough (not started)
8. Gai-Jin~James Clavell (not finished)
9. Whirlwind~James Clavell (not started)
10. Inside the Third Reich-Memoirs of Albert Speer~Albert Speer (not finished)
11. The Lovely Bones~Alice Sebold (not finished)
12. The Princes of Ireland-The Dublin Saga~Edward Rutherfurd (not finished)
13. Don Quixote~Miguel de Cervantes (not started)

Of course, y'all know that all these books I've started reading, but put down, I'll have to reread completely, because I'll not remember what I've previously read. What's even worse is that there are way more books than this in my collection that I've either not read or started and put down, but these are miniscule in comparison to the books in my collection that I have read. So, the next time I want to buy a new book someone remind me that I have to get another bookshelf first.

Thursday Thirteen #7

Thirteen Things about Anias Nin

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

13 Things I Like About Myself (this is going to be hard)
1. I'm patient (to a point but mostly patient).
2. I like my hair. I think it's pretty.
3. I think I'm pretty good at interior decorating. I like that about myself. According to my I.Q. test, I'm supposed to be at or above genius-level when it comes to visual spacing, which is cool.
4. I'm fairly intelligent and can hold a decent conversation on almost any topic (well I don't know that much about politics but I can make fun of my fair share of politicians).
5. I think I write well. I think when I write I can communicate my thoughts into words well and creatively. Of course, I could always be better, but right now, I'm satisfied with where I am where writing is concerned.
6. I read a lot. I think that is a good quality about myself. Lately, most of the people I meet don't read at all or have only read 3 or 4 books in their life (aside from the ones they had to read in school and only half-assed read those). This is so weird to me.
7. I'm kind.
8. I'm spiritual.
9. I'm a loyal person to those I love and sometimes even to those I don't love.
10. When I choose to love someone, I love them forever no matter what they do or say. For the rest of my life. I don't think that when you say you love someone you can take something like that back, unless it was a lie in the first place, I suppose. I don't think "love" is an emotion. I think it's a connection of the soul, mind and spirit and that kind of thing doesn't ever go away. You can ignore or deny it, but it will still be there in one form or another. There are many different kinds of love.
11. I try to be open-minded and tolerant of opinions, ideas and people. I don't succeed all the time. Who does? But I try and I think that's a good quality I have.
12. I'm very creative and have a wonderful imagination. I'm still working on ways to channel this, but at least I know this about myself and like this about myself.
13. I don't require a lot of money in order to be happy. For me, happiness doesn't depend on how much money I have. Of course, I have to have the basics: food, shelter, clothes...that kind of thing, but as far as expendable income, all I really like to have is enough money to go to the movies and out to see a band once in a while. (Also to buy shoes. I'm a shoe person. I can't help it.) Just to live comfortably and simply-to be content with what I have- that's what my dream for my life is. I like that part of myself.

Wow, that wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I guess I have more self-esteem than I thought I did. I was thinking that next Thursday, I would do a list of things I didn't like about myself, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know if that would be helpful or harmful. I don't want to trigger myself and I don't want to get to pity-pot-sittin'. As it is, I'm happy that I could think of 13 things I like about myself so quickly and easily. It's almost like I opened my eyes for the first time.

I'm Late~Thursday Thirteen #6

Thirteen Things about Anias Nin

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Randomness (as per the usual)
1. Last night, after talking to a friend of mine named Marcy, I dropped my cell phone into my coffe cup. The only problem was that there was still coffee in it. See, I have normally in the mornings, two coffee cups by me on the side table. One, the smaller one, is always empty. This is the one I put my handful of meds in that I have to take every morning. After I take my meds, I plug in my cell and drop it into the little coffee cup where the meds were. This makes it easy for me to find. (At night, I unplug it and take it into my bedroom and put it on my nightstand just in case there is an emergency in the middle of the night. I'm a creature of routine. What can I say?) In addition to the smaller coffee cup I have on the side table, I have my large coffee cup in which goes my coffee. I usually take it to the kitchen after I'm done with it, but for some reason I didn't yesterday so by the time evening came, my half-empty coffee cup with stone cold, stale cofffee in it, was still sitting on the side table beside my bigcomfychair. Marcy called me and after we hung up, I dropped it into the coffee cup thinking it was the smaller one. Murphy's Law. It's a $300.00 phone (I got it for $50.00 dollars, though. Y'all didn't think I'd really pay $300.00 dollars for a phone did you?). Oy.

It was only in the coffee for a few seconds, but it was enough to kind of freak me out. I took my phone apart and wiped it down really well and then I kept shaking it to try to get the coffee out of the parts I couldn't reach to dry. What worried me is that, even though I shook it for a good while, coffee still kept coming out of it in droplets. I could feel it on my hand and sometimes they would hit my face. After the endless wiping and shaking, I called Sally to make sure that it was still working. It was, but it smelled really strongly of Maxwell House Original Roast and Toffee Almond creamer. This morning, it still does.

2. Speaking of dousing things in coffee, a few years ago, right after I had bought my first brand-spankin' new Sony Vaio laptop, I knocked my coffee right over onto the hard-drive. That was fun. I called another friend of mine, Marcia, whose father builds computers for a living, to see if he could fix it for me. I was panicked and in tears. I never thought I would cry over something like spilling coffee on a technological thingy. This was the first indication that I was addicted to my computer. I had to buy a new hard-drive for it and from then on it worked fine with only a few little kinks here and there. Marcia's dad said that the motherboard wasn't damaged, but now that I think about it, I'm not so sure it wasn't just a bit. It did some pretty odd things after the coffee incident. Maybe it was just getting back at me for the indecency of the coffee-spilling.

3. Last week, I went to see the movie The Fountain with Sally, Tanya and our new friend Ryan. On the way there, we stopped at a gas station to get our contraband. That's what we call the snacks we sneak into the theater. None of us can afford to pay for a movie and pay the exorbitant amounts for snacks they charge in the theater. A funny thing happened as I was paying for my purchases at the register: Unthinkingly, I handed the cashier my Shell card to pay for my snacks. (It was a Phillips 66 station.) What's even funnier is that the cashier ran my card 6 or 7 times with a look on his face of total bewilderment that the card wouldn't go through. Out of my haze, I finally happened to look at the little logo on his company shirt: Phillips 66. I covered my face with my hands and said, embarrassed, "This is not a Shell station is it?" The cashier, still in a state of befuddlement, looked at me surprised and said slowly, "No...it's not." It took him a moment, but he eventually turned my card over and saw that it was not a Phillips 66 card, but a Shell card. He then said, like he'd just discovered electricity, "So that's why the card wouldn't go through!" I yanked my card out of his hand and thrust my Phillips one into it's place all the while listening to Sally, Tanya and Ryan hurt themselves laughing so hard at my "blonde moment". As we were walking out Tanya said still giggling uncontrollably, "Thanks for being this evening's entertainment!" I think my face was some previously unknown shade of crimson.

I'm going to have to finish this later. I woke up with one of my famous (infamous) headaches and it's getting to where I can't concentrate and my vision is going blurry, so I think I should lay down for awhile and see if it subsides.

I'm awake now after having dosed myself a good one with some migraine meds. I'm still really loopy, so...ummm...be prepared. Fair warning and all.

4. Last night, I dreamt that I was 15 again, which is not unusual in itself I don't think, but I was playing tennis (I don't play tennis.) in the dress I wore when I won Miss Dallas County the year that I turned 15, except the dress wasn't exactly the same. It was a skirt with pasties a la Lil' Kim at the Grammy's a few years ago when she got felt up by Diana Ross? Except I had both of my pasties exposed. And what's even stranger is that I guess I had had someone videotape it because in my dream, at one point, I was watching myself play in my skirt and pasties with a couple of other people. I don't know who they were, though.

I guess thoughts of my former stripping career still bang around in my subconcious. You know what they say: You can take the stripper out of the bar.....

5. My absolutely favorite artist is Tori Amos. I have 8 hours and 23 minutes total of her recordings, which I listen to almost every day (Not all of it every day but some days I do listen to all eight hours of it. I need my fix.). I've only seen her once and let me tell you, she was amazing. I try to tell myself that I'm not one of those freaky fans, but luckily (or not), my friends are always there to slap me with a reality check. The last Tori Amos cd I bought was Tales of a Librarian, which is a bit like a "greatest hits" thing, but it has some new songs on it and some live versions of other songs that I haven't heard before and some new remixes of other songs. Sally and Tanya were with me when I bought it. Tanya: "God! You have everything that she's ever made!" Me: " Shut up. I do not."

6. The other night, I pulled a black hair out of my neck (My hair is red or at least part of it is still red, the other part is white. When I'm late to color my new growth, that is.). Oy. Menopause here I come. I already have twin black hairs that grow out of my cheeks. One on each side. Sally and Tanya call them my "whiskers". (thanks) I pluck them every so often, but the damn things keep growing back. I hope I don't wind up with a beard. Well, if I do grow a beard, at least I could run away and join the circus like my grandmother did. She wasn't the bearded lady, though. She was a hoochie-coochie dancer. (Stripping runs in my family I guess.)

7. I got a new modem this week from Hughes Net. I have to have satellite internet out here where I live because I live in B.F.E. and we can't get cable or DSL internet service out here. (I also have another satellite from Directv for the cable since we can't even get local stations without the satellite.) What's really messed up is that right across the main road, which is about 5 blocks from my house, the little incorporated city there has access to the city cable and DSL internet service.
The man from SatPro came out here to install it. When he first called to say he was on his way I was nervous, because Dad had already left for his nightly outing so I was here by myself. I really don't like to be anywhere alone with a man I don't know. A fear I've learned after being raped 4 times. I really wanted the new modem, since my other was was being outmoded by Hughes Net, so I put on my big-girl-panties and resolved to at least not show my fear. I wound up talking a mile a minute to him, telling him all sorts of things to make him laugh. He did laugh. A lot. I was hoping to seem at ease and to keep him distracted in case he had some other nefarious intentions in mind. I feel like I took a step out of my fear this week, at least for a few hours. I faced it and came through on the other side unscathed. I feel kind of proud of myself for that.

8. I never thought I would come to this place, but I have to admit that I am a newly dedicated fan of Dr. Who. I watch it every Friday night. I'm watching it now and finishing this during commercials. The older I get, the more I seem to like sci-fi stuff. When I was younger, I was a big fan of horror movies. I still like them, but now, I'm more picky about the ones I watch. Zombie movies are a definite yes. Any of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies? Nonononononono. I saw the remake of the first one with my friend, Ashley, and it still freaks me out when I think about it. For weeks after I saw it when anyone would mention it, the only thing I could say was, "That chick pulled a .357 magnum out of her vagina! What the hell?!", which is exactly what I shouted during the movie during that scene. Ashley called me when the "prequel" to the remake of the original came out to see if I wanted to go with her and her sister to see it. I responded, probably in a louder, more panicked voice than I should have, "I'm not seeing another one of those damn movies again. That chick pulled a gun out of her vagina in the first movie! What's going to happen in this one? No. Hell no." Ashley said, laughing, "It's not going to be that scary. You're a big wuss." A few hours later, I got another call from her telling me that she had to leave the theater in the middle of the movie (because of the gore) because she thought she was going to vomit and when she got down to the bottom of the stairs (stadium seating), she thought she was not going to make it to the bathroom because everything was going black. She said she thought she was going to pass out and throw up at the same time. I didn't say "I told you so".

9. Practically everyone in my subdivision already has their Christmas lights up. I have some lights, but they're not outdoor lights. The one year I put them up, I stapled them to the insides of the window sills with a staple gun. (I tried to use tape first, but that was a catastrophe and I frustrated myself right into one of my headaches.) I can't decide if I want to put my tree up this year. It's only like 4-feet tall. It looks pretty when it's decorated, though. If I do say so myself.
When I put all the decorations on my tree, it looks just like one of those little pre-decorated trees that you can buy in a specialty Christmas store. I've been thinking about doing it as a business. I'm still thinking about it. I've got to find out what's causing my headaches first. I'm getting about 4 a week now. The one I had earlier is starting to come back on me even though I took 800mg of ibuprofen about an hour ago. I can't make any kind of long-term committments with these headaches like they are now.

10. In addition to black hairs growing out of my face (I was going to say "out of strange places on my face, but just the fact that I have hair growing out of my face at all is strange.) I'm also getting hot flashes. I'm 36. Do hot flashes start that early? It could be my blood sugar, though. I tend to get hot flashes and sweat a lot when my blood sugar is low. Isn't that appealing? Sexy? (I'm hearing the voice of Austin Powers in my head right now, "Does that make you horny baby?" *insert bad English accent here*)

I've got to stop here. Again. My headache is back. Dammit. At least I've only got three more to go. I think I'm the only person who takes all freakin' day to write their Thursday Thirteen's. If anyone else is like me and takes forever to do your TTs, let me know. It would make me feel better. Not so brain dead. We could be something like "The Lazy Thursday Thirteen Bunch". You know, kind of like The Brady Bunch only we'd take way longer to solve Jan's self-esteem problem.

Alright, it is now Saturday and I feel like the laziest blogger on the face of the earth. I'm going to finish this up today. That's my goal. I didn't wake up with one of my headaches today, so maybe that's a good omen. Hopefully, that means it's going to be a pain-free day.

11. I found a new way to freak my cats out and, at the same time, add a little humor to my day. The other day, when I was at the grocery store, I decided to buy coffee beans instead of coffee grounds. Freshly ground coffee beans always taste better to me than coffee grounds which have been sitting in a can or a bag for who knows how long. That's not to say I don't buy them. I do. On quite a regular basis.

So, this morning, I opened my new bag of Snickerdoodle-flavored coffee beans and searched around my kitchen cabinets until I found my little coffee grinder. I poured out a little of the beans in the bowl (which conveniently becomes the top of the grinder. I'm easily amused.), set the little button to what kind of grind I wanted and, lastly, pushed the big button to start the process. The minute I did, I noticed that my youngest male cat, Mija, who was sitting on the side of the kitchen sink, crouched his body down like he thought he was going to be attacked, laid his ears back and the pupils of his eyes got really big. So big, in fact, that I couldn't see the irises. This all took just a few seconds, then he made this incredibly huge jump from the kitchen all the way to the living room. I've never seen him jump that far. Then, when he landed on the carpet, I suppose he felt safe from that thing thatdreadfulloudthingmommmiewasusing to turn around and give me a look of utter betrayal. It was completely hysterical. It's so good to laugh first thing in the morning. It makes for a great day for me. I know it sounds like I was being mean to them, but really, they're all ok. As a matter of fact, all four of them are sleeping right now in various places around me. So, I guess no grudges are being held for my using of the awful coffee grinder.

12. Remember the situation I wrote about several days/weeks ago (my memory=shot) about the twat in Financial Aid who made a huge mistake which cost me my entire Pell Grant? Well, I turned in an appeal letter and explained to the FA appeal board what had happened and how she made that mistake. I also told them how badly she had treated me, so badly in fact, that she triggered me into one of my previously un-remembered childhood abuse memories. On the generic form that I had to turn in with my appeal letter it said that there was a 2-4 week response time for the appeal board to review and give a decision one way or the other.

It's been 7 weeks. I've been counting.

I called on the 5th week to find out what was going on and was transferred to my FA advisor (This is the same one who screwed me over. Didn't really want to talk to her particularly.) I asked her what was going on since it was the 5th week and the letter said a 2-4 week response time. She, predictably didn't give me any answers. As a matter of fact, the extent of her answers were limited to one-word responses. Let me tell you something, I have never wanted to bitch slap someone so bad in my entire life. Y'all know she deserves it. Now I'm wondering if she even turned my appeal letter in to the appeal board. See, on the day I went to the FA office to turn my letter in, she was the only one working the desk, so I had to turn it in to her. I may be swimming in the paranoia waters again, but am I really being paranoid? I pretty much vilified her in my letter (I didn't curse. I just want y'all to know that. I was very professional, but I was very angry.) Is it paranoia to think that she might have read it and decided not to turn it in?

There but for the grace of God goes the un-slapped bitch slap.

13. I think I'm really going to like the Poetry Thursday thing I joined. I just took a look at a few blogs on Thursday that were linked to the Poetry Thursday site and I was just blown away by the great poetry. I've been writing poetry since 1984 (I was 14 that year. I'm old. I know. I feel it.). I also got a bit of good feedback on my first poem from some of the other participants of Poetry Thursday. I'm sitting here thinking now that I can't wait for the next one to come around so that I can post mine and read the others. It's kind of a weird feeling. I don't look forward to very much. At least not in the last few years. I mean, I used to look forward to shopping, but when I was in that "shopping mode", I maxed out all my credit cards and now I can pay on them. So, I don't think that was a very healthy thing for me to do. I think now, in retrospect, that I was being a bit manic with the shopping. (I think I have over 100 pairs of shoes. I buy them when I'm depressed, because when nothing else fits, shoes always do. I'm depressed a lot, consequently the outrageous number.) On the contrary, however, Poetry Thursday is something I think that will be healthy for me. It doesn't cost me anything money-wise, which is good since I don't have any. I haven't been very regular with my poetry writing for many years. I would like to get back in the habit of it. Hopefully Poetry Thursday will help me with that goal.

Wow, I finished and without the damn headache. I don't even feel a touch of one coming on. Yay me.

Thursday Thirteen #5

Thirteen Things about Anias Nin

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!



The List



1. Last night, while pre-heating the oven for what I was hoping to be some tasty chicken enchiladas, I realized when the oven had completely pre-heated that I had forgotten to take the boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts out that my dad bought the other night, out first. The boxes didn't catch fire (thank you Lord), but the doughnuts look a little worse for wear. All the icing and stuff has melted off of them, but hey, they're Krispy Kremes, they're definitely still quite edible.



2. My psychiatrist lowered my dosage of Klonopin last week and I am so much more clear-headed now. I'm even dreaming again, which I wasn't doing (or at least I wasn't remembering them) when I was on the higher dosage. And (bonus) I have not had any more urges to self-injure. Last night, though, after I ate my chicken enchiladas, I was so full that I kept having thoughts of purging. I didn't, though. I just kept thinking, "If it's not one thing, it's another. The damn voices (I realized last night where those particular voices were coming from and they weren't my voices.) just never stop. The obsessive thoughts lasted for a couple of hours, as long as I could feel that my stomach was full. I kept massaging it in a vain effort to make it digest the food faster so I wouldn't have that full feeling thinking that if I didn't feel so full that I wouldn't keep wanting to run to bathroom and vomit.



3. I had a dream last night that my dad remodeled the house and made it a four-bedroom/3 bath house. Of course, it was his bedroom and bathroom that were the add-ons. The dream was so detailed. It was amazing. When I told my dad about it this morning, I told him that in my dream, he had this huge bed with a huge wooden headboard and footboard. I asked him, "Did you ever have a bed like that?" He looked very surprised and said, "Yes, but I haven't had that bed since you were little. I can't believe you remember it in such detail." Strange, isn't it? The things that come up in dreams. That's not the first time that I've "remembered" something in a dream from my early childhood that was very detailed. My parents kind of freak out when I tell them about things like that.



I can only thing of these right now, but later on today, I'll finish it. I think I have brain block or brain drain or whatever. I just can't concentrate.



EDIT: Ok I'm a lazy bum. I'm going to try and finish this list. Not that it's a chore or anything. I just find these days that it's harder to concentrate than it was before I started taking my crazy meds.



4. While I was surfing blogs yesterday (Wordless Wednesday), I came across several blogs that had music that automatically started when the web page loaded. I also came across this when I was surfing on Blog Explosion, Blog Mad, and Blog Soldiers. Now, I have nothing against music, perse, I listen to music all the time. It's a very important part of my life. That's the thing, though, when I'm looking at different blogs, I most likely have some music playing and to come across a site that has it's own music playing almost sends me into panic mode. It's like sensory overload. I don't expect those who have music that starts automatically on their blogs to take it off just because of me. I just have a question: Why? There are music hosting sites where you can get code to put on your page that doesn't start automatically. I don't mean to make anyone angry or to offend anyone. I think it's a very creative idea to have music on your page, just not the kind that starts whether you want it to or not. I think people should at least have a choice of whether or not to listen to the music that is put on blogs. Ok, that's the end of my soapbox standing.



5. I have, in my garage a perfectly fine vacuum cleaner. It's relatively new and, by all accounts, should work fine. Except for one thing. It eats belts. I went to the Sears satellite that is in the next town over (because the only store besides gas stations in my town is the Dollar General) and bought a little bag of about 3 or 4 belts for the vacuum cleaner. I now have one left. Here's what happens: I replace the belt. I start the vacuum cleaner. It works great for a few minutes, then I start to smell burnt rubber. I take the hood off that covers the working parts (it's an upright) to find that the vacuum cleaner has melted the belt. Ok, I'm not a neat freak by any means, but occasionally (like once or twice a month or whenever I get the urge) I'd like to be able to use my vacuum cleaner. Why is it that I paid all that money for a vacuum cleaner that was supposed to be top-of-the-line and it only worked right for the first month I had it? Damn, I didn't even get kissed.

6. I've effectively stopped going to class, so in a few days I'll have to go up to the campus and drop the three classes that I've been trying to finish. Dammit. This is the third (or is it the fourth?) time that this has happened to me and it's because of my mental problems. God, I only have 3 more Psych. classes to take before I get that degree and maybe about 5 or 6 more Spanish classes to take before I get that degree. I'm so freakin' close to finishing. I have a 3.5 cumulative grade point average. It's not like I'm stupid. I can do the work. It's just that sometimes I can't leave my house or I have a panic attack in the middle of class or I get so depressed that I don't finish or even start projects/homework that I know I'm supposed to do. Yes, I'm on a new med, Lamictal, but I'm not up to the dosage I'm supposed to be yet and the titration is agonizingly slow. So, I'm going to have to write yet another letter to the Financial Aid board explaining the fact that I'm fucking crazy and hope to God that they give me back my financial aid yet again. Jesus, I'm so tired of this. I can't even describe the anxiety it causes. Sometimes, when I try to go to sleep at night, I'm so wound up worrying about it that I have what's called "pseudo seizures" where my entire body spasms in different places at the same time (or in rapid sequence) and I cannot for the life of me control it. Talk about feeling crazy. That does it for me even if (by some miniscule chance that nothing else has happened) nothing else does. This is what permeates my daily life and I f***ing hate it.



7. I've discovered that I really like boxing. I watch it whenever I can when it comes on HBO. I don't know what it is about two men beating the shit out of each other that I find so interesting, but nevertheless, it glues me to the television and I get very irritated if I'm interrupted and have to leave the action (read: Dad has something that he wants me to do right now that could be done at any other time, but he gets obsessed over some things and wants me to do them ASAP.). My favorite boxers are (in no particular order): Wladimir Klitchko, Manny Pacqeou, Jerome Taylor (he's from Little Rock, so you know...) and some others that I can't believe I can't remember just now. I can't tell you guys how surprised my dad was to walk by my tv room one night and find me watching boxing. The look on his face was classic. Really. I wish I could've taken a picture.



8. I sent in a letter to the Financial Aid board on another matter: the one where the twat in the Financial Aid office (my FA advisor) screwed me out of my entire Pell Grant and then refused to admit it. I explained to them how she made that egregious error, refused to admit it and treated me so harshly and so rudely that an abuse memory was triggered. Tomorrow it will have been a month since I sent that letter. On the generic FA form I had to fill out and turn in with my letter, it said that the FA department has a 2-4 week response time for this type of thing (they also say that for my other letters I write when I appeal to get my financial aid back but the reply seems to be quicker with those). You know, to some people $1500.00 dollars might not seem like a lot of money, but to me, it's a mint. I only got $677 dollars back as my FA refund because of the twat's mistake. I tried to make it last as long as possible. I got the check in September-it's now the end of November-and I have $.15 cents in my bank account. Setting aside the fact that I think I managed what little money I had well, the fact is, I have no money. I need that Pell Grant money. Yes, I live with my dad, but that doesn't mean that he gives me money. He gives me $10.00 dollars here and there for things like toothpaste and tampons, but other than that no. I mean, I can't go asking him for money all the time. He's retired and on a fixed income and that income he has is stretched enough already with the house payment, electric, gas, car payments for both of our cars and other things. Thank God I have food stamps or I'd have nothing to eat, because the only thing Dad buys are crackers, bread and whiskey. He eats out for almost every meal. So, tomorrow, I guess I'll be calling the FA department at school, bite the bullet and talk to the twat about the delay in processing (or whatever else is going on) with my Pell Grant money. I expected to have it by now. You know, I'd really like to buy Christmas presents for my friends and family. Dad told me not to worry about buying Christmas presents, but I love to give gifts and Christmas is one of my favorite holidays (It takes some doing to get past all the shit that's thrown at you during Christmas-time, but I try not to watch too much tv and to ignore all that stuff. I just try to live in my own little Christmas world.), but it's important to me. Am I wrong to be this way?



9. I missed Celebrate Recovery tonight because I was too scared/embarrassed to go, so I took a bunch of migraine medicine and that knocked me out for about 3 hours. I don't know what I'm scared/embarrased of. They've never been anything but supportive of me. I feel kind of (really) stupid for letting those fears stop me from going to a place I know will help me to recover from my issues and being around people I know at least like me and are very supportive of me. Yes. I'm guilting myself. I think I have enough guilt for several people. *sigh* Hopefully, I can make it to church on Sunday.



10. I cleaned my tv room today. I'm proud of myself for doing that. I COULDN'T VACUUM THOUGH. Even still, it looks so much better and there's no longer just a little trail between stuff on the floor from the door to my chair. I feel like I accomplished something. Yay me. Maybe before the New Year, I can muster up the motivation to pick up the clothes and shoes in my room.



11. I watched a documentary on HBO the other night called "Thin". It followed 4 women who were inpatients at a facility that specialized in the treatment of eating disorders. Wow. I identified hardcore with those women. It was so graphic that I almost was triggered, but it was the fact that the documentary not only focused on their eating disorders, but also, them-their daily struggles, their personalities, their families-that kept me from purging that night. (See #2)



12. I've eaten Krispy Kremes for three days in a row. I'm afraid to get on the scale. My blood sugar and my allergies are totally out of control as well. Me-->alllergic to dairy and anything that has wheat products in it. The definition of self-punishment: eating things you know you're violently allergic to and that will make you feel like shit, but you do it anyway just because you have a craving. I must be PMS-ing. Is that T.M.I.? Oh well, most of the stuff on here is anyway. I don't know why I'm worried about telling everyone that I'm a PMS monster right now.



13. Wow. I made it to 13. For a person who said she didn't have much to say today I blabbed a lot. The last thing I have to say is that I hate that VISA commercial where everyone is standing in line for food and everything is flowing smoothly. The cooks are flowing with each other; the customers are flowing with each other. Just because everyone is paying with their VISA check card. Then, one guy comes up and pays with cash and the whole process takes a jerky fall. The cooks can't get their thing on; the customers drop their food and look around like someone just shot a gun and yelled, "I'm robbin' this place!". Ok. Here's the thing: On the surface this seems funny, but if you read between the lines this commercial is saying to us, the buying public, that if we use cash we are subverting the system; throwing a wrench into it so that it doesn't work as smoothly. Everytime I see that damn commercial I keep thinking of Revelation and the part where it talks about that no one can buy or sell anything without the "mark". Hello? Cashless society anyone? Yeah, maybe I'm paranoid; maybe I'm a conspiracist, but regardless, that commercial irritates the crap out of me.

Thursday Thirteen (on Friday no less) #4

I feel:: bitchy, sleepy

Forgive me y'all. I've been a day behind all week this week. It's been kind of a bad week.


Thirteen Things about Anias Nin



The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!



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1. I saw my first 3-D movie last night (Thursday. It still feels like Thursday for me because I went to bed at 10pm and got up at 2:30am. Now, it's 5:30 and I feel like this day has gone on forever.). It was the re-release of The Nightmare Before Christmas. Pretty weird. The whole time I was in the movie, I was thinking to myself,"I'm so glad I don't get high anymore." That was like a 2-hour acid trip. I liked it even though watching for the entire length of the movie strained my eyes. When my friend, Ashley, and I left the movie, I had onehelluva headache. I didn't think it was possible for eyes to actually hurt that badly. Anyway, I had a good time which is the most important thing.

2. Ashley said she'd heard some guy on a local radio station earlier today singing a song to the tune of an old June Carter song, but he changed the words to, "B double E double R -U -N. Beer Run". I can't remember how the June Carter song goes, but it's something like, "I'll get a ....... and you'll get a....... honey". If anyone would like to refresh my memory regarding that song I would love it because it's been gnawing at me ever since she first sung it in the car earlier. Anyway, I thought it was hysterical. What was even more funny is that when we got into the movie theater and sat down, (I always sit at the very top. I have this thing about people sitting behind me in movie theaters. It makes me paranoid.) we saw that we were only a few seats away from a group of what looked like redneck stoners. At one point before the movie started, the tall guy of the group got up and said something, but all I heard was "beer". Then, he turned to Ashley and I and said, "Y'all want some beer?" At which point we both looked at each other and sang in unison, "B double E double R -U -N. Beer Run". They laughed. We giggled our asses off. (And no, we didn't take them up on the offer of beer. We had snuck in our own contraband via my huge purse. Always take a huge purse to the movies, that way you can ghetto-style it and bring in all sorts of things...like tacos and fried chicken. You just have to wait 'till the lights go down to eat it. Besides, who wants to pay 5.00 dollars for a small soda when you just paid 10.00 just to get in the damn movie?)

3. I was supposed to go to math class yesterday and take a test, but I didn't. That's the second test I've missed. I suppose I'll have to drop that class too. That will leave me with only my Spanish class. God, this is a shitty semester. I hope the next one is better i.e. I don't have to drop so many classes and I don't have a major depressive episode every other damn day.

4. Y'all must excuse my excessive cursing. I'm still not completely over the anger I felt when I wrote that long rant the other day. I'm not so much pissed off like I was now I'm just uber-cranky.

5. My arm is pretty bad/ugly where I cut it up the other night. I did it with one of dad's serrated-edged knives. It's huge. I thought I heard the music from Psycho when I picked it up. Anyway, it's got a fever; it's warmer than normal to the touch. That means I've done myself a bad one this time. I've been washing it with antibacterial soap several times a day and keeping antiseptic wash on it. I really don't want it to get infected. At least it's not bleeding anymore. It does;however make me realize with a crystalline clarity just how sick I am and that no matter how good I feel, self-injury is never far away. There but for the grace of God go I and all that. I suppose that knowledge serves to keep me humble before God. Humbleness before God (and in my everyday life) is something I need-in spades. Among other things. Jesus that list could get really long.

6. I didn't do anything for Halloween this year. I didn't even give out candy. I just stayed in and watched horror flicks all night. When my dad got home from his nightly thing, he had some candy bars for me. So, it was pretty good. I did feel kind of selfish for not giving candy to the trick-or-treaters. But I usually dress up for Halloween even if I'm just staying home giving out candy. The children are usually afraid of me in whatever get up I choose. Last year, most of the children who came to my house had to be urged toward the door by their parents. They looked like they'd rather eat glass than come to my door, so maybe I did them a favor this year by not traumatizing them.

Ok, I'm going back to bed. Y'all will just have to wait until I wake up later to read the rest. Anway, if I continued right now you'd all probably die of boredom. You probably will anyway when I continue my list.

I'm up now. I've eaten and I think I'm as bright-eyed and busy-tailed as I'm going to get. So, on with the list....

7. Yesterday, I had to go up to UAMS (University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences), which is a huge campus. It's not only a hospital, but it's the only med school in the state. The campus also houses the State Mental Hospital where they have the non-violent crazies (like me) and the really violent ones. The campus is so big that when I went in the main doors and went up to the information desk to ask where the Outpatient Pharmacy was, the lady behind the desk paged a guy who drives a little golf cart to drive me to it. Holy crap. I don't know if any of y'all have ever had this experience, but it feels kind of like what I always wanted to do with a wheelchair-get in it and go obscenely fast so that everyone rushes to get out of your way. That's kind of what it was like. That was absolutely the best part of my day. I might even apply for that job. I know they have more than one golf-cart-driving person at that hospital. They have to. The campus takes up like a 5-mile radius.

8. The purpose of my going to UAMS yesterday was so that I could get my first M.A.P. prescriptions filled. I applied a few weeks ago for a program at UAMS called the Medication Assistance Program and it turns out that I'm so far below the poverty line that I qualify to get all my meds for free. Bonus! My psych meds are so damn expensive; it's unbelievable. Anyway, after my funfunfun ride to the Outpatient Pharmacy, I went up to the counter and handed the pharmacist this little blue coupon that the lady in charge of the M.A.P. program had given me. According to her, that was all I needed to get my prescriptions. I should have known it wouldn't be that simple. The pharmacist, who was extremely nice and patient, told me that she needed acutal written prescriptions from my psychiatrist in order to fill them. I thought, "No problem. I know he's at work. I'll just call him and let him talk to her." Good idea, right? (I thought so too.) I called. He wasn't there. One of the ladies in the office paged him. He never called back. Realize that now I've been at the hospital for over 2 hours. only about 10 minutes of which was spent on the ride over to the pharmacy. I finally got my prescriptions at like 4:30. What was amazing about that, other than the fact that I had to wait for over 2 hours to get only two prescriptions filled, was that the whole time I never got mad. Usually, when I'm in situations like that, I get soooo bitchy, but yesterday I was all peaches and cream. Weird. Maybe it was the golf cart ride over. It was so freakin' funny to see self-important doctors grab the hospital walls when the saw the cart coming. I had giggled myself right into a stomach cramp by the time he dropped me off at the pharmacy.

9. I've had two dreams in the past two weeks (one per week) where I was in some kind of prison trying to escape. I'm a firm believer that our subconscious mind speaks to us through dreams and I'm wondering just what kind of prison I'm in. I mean, I can name off several things that are wrong with me, but I just don't know for sure what it is. I don't read those "dream analysis" books because everything is so general that anyone could apply anything in one of those books to any part of their life, not to mention their dreams. I've been thinking/praying about this since I had the first dream 2 weeks ago.

10 I submitted an appeal to the Financial Aid office 2 weeks ago because the fucking twat who is my financial aid advisor made an egregious mistake on my Income Verification Worksheet. Then, she had the nerve to try to blame it on me. That was the day I had my screaming hissy fit in the car. What's even better was that when I turned the paperwork in, which was a letter written by me and a general form, the twat was the only one working the financial aid desk at that time. I can remember repeating to myself, "I am a tree in the wind. I can bend. I can bend. I can bend." Thankfully, she didn't take any notice of me. I don't think she even looked at me. Thank God for small favors. Anyway, the mistake she made cost me my entire Pell Grant, which is something over $1,000.00 dollars. Understand, the refund check I get from my student loans and grants is the only money I have to live on, hence the reason I was so furious with her. (God, I'm pissed again just thinking about how she treated me. I so wanted to right-hook her right in her fucking sorority-blonde face.) So, according to the form I turned in, the wait time for a response is 2-4 weeks. This coming week will be the start of the third week, so I'm hoping to hear something pretty soon. If everything goes well, I'll be able to buy Christmas presents for my dad, mom and friends. *crosses fingers*

11. I've got to go out of the house today to yet another pharmacy to pick up another Lamictal starter kit, because the lady that is in charge of the M.A.P. program at UAMS,who was supposed to contact me last week so that I could come and get another coupon for the Lamictal prescription, didn't. So, in addition to the cluster-fuck that was my experience at the Outpatient Pharmacy yesterday, I had to call around to umpteen different pharmacies to see who stocked this particular Lamictal starter kit. I found one. One pharmacy out of the 10 or so that I called. The thing is, I don't want to leave the house today. I'm feeling rather anti-social, my left eye is twitching and I haven't bathed in a week (I think.). Needless to say, I'm in pretty bad shape today. All I want to do is to go back to bed and sleep the drugged sleep my psychiatric meds give me. I know, I know it's a cop out and I hate myself for being this way. But, I have to go get that starter kit today because I only have on pill left and if I skip even one day I'll have to start all over again with the dosage titration. What fun that would be *note sarcasm*.

12. Wow, I'm pretty bitchy today, aren't I? I think I need some ice cream. Ice cream makes everything better. At least temporarily.

13. I'm also craving some more cheesy horror flicks. I wonder if there's anything playing on the boob tube that's good? *rhetorical question* "Snarky" seems to be my middle name today.

Thursday Thirteen #3

I feel:: hopeful



Thirteen Things about Anias Nin




The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!





1. The other day my dad accused me of talking quietly on purpose to make him think that he was losing his hearing. Yeah, sure Dad. You know, now that I think of it, it's kind of a good idea. It would be a good pay-back for him making me lose my mind.

2. On Monday my Spanish professor told me that I should drop his class because he was "concerned" about me and the fact that I've been absent some from the class. He also said that he feels that I'm behind the other students and that he wouldn't let me go on to another Spanish class without first having the skills from this one. As if being on my period wasn't enough, it was raining and I had forgotten my umbrella. I showered that morning. I shaved my legs. I shaved my armpits. I plucked my eyebrows. I was having a good day. Count it: The second time I have ever totally gone off on one of my professors. (Thank God I had taken my Klonopin that morning.) I started talking really fast and the more I talked the louder my voice got. By the time I was finished, my professor looked like he'd had his hair blown back. The only thing he said was, "Well, don't miss any more classes." Yesterday, in class, he was all smiles and could have won for Mr. Congeniality. I guess he thought I was just meek and would never stand up for myself. I tried to tell him at the beginning of the semester that I'm loca.

3. Also on Monday, I went shopping! Retail therapy rules! I bought a pair of black and white, Zebra striped, fuzzy, Converse sneakers. They were on sale for $20. I freakin' love them.

4. After my little temper flare up with my Spanish professor, I walked to my car trying unsuccessfully not to cry. I mean, who wants to totally lose it in public? I have before, but God, it's embarassing. I got to my car, hyperventilated, cried and then drove over to where Tanya works for coffee. What's different about this is that normally, I would have just gone home. I was really wanting to cut and I knew if I went home that I would. So, I went for coffee and wound up talking to Tanya and Sally, which was also the day of the Almighty Converse purchase[insert Hallelujah chorus here]. So, it turned out to be a good day with just a little shit on it. Not enough that I couldn't wipe it off with some Lysol antibacterial wipes.

5. I'm thinking about going to Celebrate Recovery tonight at the church I've been going to lately, Mercy's Cross. It was so weird on Monday (on the way for coffee) when I called there, I was thinking, "I'll just ask for Pastor Randy." I didn't have to, though, because he answered the phone. Alot of "coincidences" like that have been happening ever since I started going there. I feel like the soundtrack of my life for the past few months should have been, 'Maybe God Is Trying To Tell You Something'.

6. I had to take Dad in yesterday morning at 6:30am for a colonoscopy and an upper G.I. I have no idea why they call that "Upper G.I." It makes me think of the movie 'Full Metal Jacket'. I have no idea why that is either. Anyway....ever heard a chorus of farts? Hang out in the recovery room of your local Gastrointerologist's office. I guarantee you'll come out of there laughing like Beavis and/or Butthead. I did.

7. I keep waiting for the pupeteer to come out from behind Bush and say, "Psych!" and then laugh maniacally like Charles Manson.

8. One day, this last weekend, I woke up and went about my normal morning routine. Part of my routine includes making coffee. Now, I've got this routine down-so down that I can perform it while awake or asleep. Evidently, that morning, I was still asleep. I made the coffee and then realized that I had no creamer for it. Ok, y'all that know me know I like a little coffee with my creamer. I cannot drink coffee without creamer and some kind of non-sugar sweeter (notthepinkstuffnotthepinkstuffnotthepinkstuffnotthepinkstuff). While cursing to myself, I began to look around the kitchen for some kind of suitable substitute. Dad's milk: Definite no. First of all, you never know if the date is expired and secondly I'm allergic to milk. It makes me all snotty. Like that's something I need more of. Thankyouno. You know how when you're looking for something in the kitchen, you have to go through every cabinet umpteenmillion times even though you know that nothing in them has changed? Sometimes, I even open the cabinet doors and just stand in the middle of the kitchen and stare at their contents thinking maybe if I wish hard enough that what I want will just materialize. On this particular morning, I was in the midst of doing this very thing when my eye fell on something I hadn't noticed before: instant French Vanilla Cappuccino. I thought to myself, "That stuff already has creamer in it. I'll just use that." So, along with my Vanilla Biscotti coffee, I dumped four spoonfulls of instant French Vanilla Cappuccino in my coffee cup and stirred it around. It didn't come out the nice milky color that I prefer, but I thought it was better than nothing. I was spun out of my fucking mind for about 12 hours. I felt like I had inhaled a large amout of Meth. Holy Shit. I fucking wiped the walls of my house clean with antibacterial wipes because in addition to the creepy-crawlies I felt on my scalp, I was sure that they had to be on the walls too. Lesson: Always keep coffee creamer handy.

9. Tuesday nights and Friday nights have become my don'tfuckingtalktomeI'mwatchingmyshows tv nights. They're all on Sci-Fi. Yeah. It's a cult I'm sure of it. (Dead Like Me, Eureka, Dr. Who, Heroes...)

10 I feel like my medicine is working and I'm not even at the dosage I'm supposed to be yet. It makes me wonder if, when I finally get there, what I'll feel like. I'm already laughing more, which feels incredibly good. I can't even describe. I'm still down a lot, but not as down. So...moving on....

11. The morning I took Dad for his anal invasion and after he had been taken away by the invaders, I left and went to Starbuck's. I bought a John Mayer cd. I kind of like it. It's bluesy, not emo, like he usually is.

12. While sitting at Starbuck's that morning I got to thinking about how old I am and that it won't be too much longer before I'll have my sacred, exit-only orifice be violated by the dreaded colonoscopy. Which, in turn, got me to thinking how much shorter a time it is before I'll have to make appointments to regularly and willingly put my tits in a vice. Jesus, and I thought the Gyno was bad. I hope they have a bowl full of good drugs next to the suckers at the reception counter.

13. I saw this girl I know from school at school the other day. She always makes me laugh. I don't know what it is about her. All she has to do is just stand there and I somehow find it extremely amusing. Anyway, when I ran into her the other day, the first thing she said was, "You've lost weight!" I said, "You really think so?" She said, "I'm lookin' atcha, aren't I?" I laughed, of course.

Thursday Thirteen #2

Thirteen Things about Anias Nin




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1. I ate beans yesterday. So, this morning I'm...ahem...musical. So musical, in fact, that I've musicalled myself out of my own room a couple of times. It's at these times that I'm glad I'm not married or living with someone because....whoa, just whoa.

2. I'm kind of itchy all over today and I'm hoping that it's not because of the Lamictal. I so want to be able to take it and to be able to tolerate it. I'm going to get a refill of my allergy meds today, so maybe they will help with the itchiness.

3. I'm supposed to have a test in my College Math class today, but since I have missed the last two classes (it only meets twice a week), I won't be taking it. I started to freak out a little bit, but then I re-read the syllabus. It turns out that there are 5 tests this semester when I thought there were only going to be three and the prof. said that the final could replace the missed test. So, yay.

4. When I woke up this morning, Mija my notorious-monster-cat, was sitting on top of my black armoir on his hind legs, swatting with his front paws into thin air. As I became more awake I realized what he was looking at. The ceiling fan. He was trying to catch the ceiling fan.

5.I watched a movie on The Family Channel last night that I actually liked. What does that say about me?

6.My eldest female cat, Silver, gets the stitches from her ear surgery taken out tomorrow. I am not looking forward to taking her to the vet, but I am glad she's getting the stitches out and that no infection has developed where the stitches are. I feel kind of weird with her in the carrier in the car. She hates it, cries and I try to comfort her. The thing is, I wind up saying the same things over and over and over again. The most inane things come out of my mouth when I take the cats to the vet like,"Whatcha doin' in there?", or repeatedly saying, "I know." in a sympathetic tone after every vocalization they make. At least she doesn't pee and then sling it around like Little Bit does. The last time I took him to the vet, I wound up having to clean pee off the inside of my windshield. Is there such a thing as Kitty Valium? If there is, I should definitely get some.

7. I deleted my Myspace account the other day in a moment of anger. How I could be angry at a website is beyond me, but there you have it. I guess I just got tired of all the flashing adverts, the "am I hot or not" rating thingys and the mind-bogglingly enormous amount of genuinely shallow (we're talking less than puddle deep) people on there.

8. I found a cd in one of my desk drawers last week that was Classical Guitar music. I opened it up and it turned out to be a CDRW that my mom had made for me three years ago for my birthday or something. I'd never listened to it. So, I uploaded it to my computer. I'm listening to it now and I like it alot, but just now, it's making me want to go back to bed. It's like my computer is singing me a lullaby. And also, I feel really guilty for not listening to the cd sooner.

9. I bought the X-Men Trilogy (X-Men, X-Men-United and X-Men-The Last Stand) about 3 days ago and I think I've watched all of the movies about 5 or 6 times each since then. I think my inner-child is showing. I can't wait for more X-Men movies.

10. I've also been coloring (with real crayons in real coloring books) in my Winnie the Pooh and Sponge Bob Square Pants coloring books. Now I remember why I liked to color so much as a child. It makes me feel calm and the smell of the crayons almost makes me flashback to childhood. Not that my childhood was particularly pleasant, but the crayons always were.

11. I just blew another masterpiece. (Note to self~ Get some Bean-O.)

12. I realized the other night while watching "Real Sex-The Best of Real Sex" that I'd seen nearly all the episodes they were showing parts of. Then, I realized that I've been watching it ever since it came on HBO, which was in like 1992. Consequently, this made me feel like a dirty old lady.

13. Wow. I didn't think I could come up with thirteen today. But here we are-just the two of us. Speaking of "just the two of us", do y'all ever wake up singing bad 80's pop songs in your head or is it just me?


Lastly, but not leastly, a song for your listening pleasure. I told y'all I was musical today.


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Tension Is A Passing Note~ Sixpence None The Richer

Really Wanna Know 13 Random Facts About Me? The Infamous Thursday Thirteen! -#1

I feel:: pretty damn good today



THURSDAY THIRTEEN
1. I'm actually doing well in math class this semester, which is amazing since math is my life-time nemesis.
2. My obsessive-compulsive-disordered cat, Mija, not only forages my room for hair ties, but if I happen to leave my purse open, he fishes them out from there as well. I swear he's hair-tie-obsessed.
3. I feel extremely well today despite the fact that my left arm looks like I've been rolling it in broken glass. It doesn't hurt. Itches actually. I guess that means it's healing.
4. I miss David so badly that it's a physical pain. If I miss him this badly, I wonder how his wife is feeling. I wish I had her phone number. She has mine.
5. My dad is, this very minute, right outside my room in the hallway talking to himself and fighting with our new-fangled washer-dryer combo. When you have them both running and turn the lights off at night, they look like 2 little space ships sitting in the hallway because of all the lights and what'sit's on their front panels.
6. I got hit on by a random Mexican guy while browsing the women's shoe department at Wal-Mart (I'm a Wal-Mart girl. What can I say?) the other night. I don't know if it's just me, but I didn't think it was particularly odd that he was Mexican or even that he was trying to get my phone number. It was the fact that he followed me into the women's shoe department. I don't know, I felt kind of like we were standing in the lingerie section. Weird.
7. I did a double-process lightening/coloring on my hair last night. Now, it's really, really coppery red. Not all of it though. I did highlights. I'm proud of myself. I've never done highlights on myself before.
8. I am, right now, drinking New Orlean's Style coffee with Chickory mixed with Creme Brulee flavored liquid CoffeeMate. The taste is proving to be quite odd. Maybe I should have just used Dad's Folgers?
9. I did not bite my tongue last night, despite being on a handful of prescription drugs and sneezing almost continuously. Can I get an Amen?
10. This is my first time doing Thursday Thirteen. I hope I'm doing it right. Be gentle with my cherry, ok?
11. I miss my friend, Marshall, really badly. The only problem with that is that he's never really been my friend. I've been his, but I don't think he knows how to be friends with women even though he's been married and divorced. I guess that was part of the reason for the divorce? (Just guessing.)
12. I'm scared that I'm not going to pass my Spanish class. I know, pretty boring fact, right? Try entering a Spanish class where everything, and I mean everything is spoken and written in Spanish after not having any Spanish classes for about 2 years and see how you feel. There's some people in my Spanish class who speak it like they came out of their mother's womb squalling Spanish curse words. It causes me a fair bit of anxiety.
13. The last and final fact. I was the only girl in 4th grade with boobs, so I am intimately familiar with the infamous "Texas Titty Twister".


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And because I was so slow in pimpage for Suthern, here I go-a-pimpin'-again. Go see her! She has a really great blog.