Happy Valentine's Day

I feel:: nauseated

It's snowing here. This year's first snow. I'm on Prozac as of yesterday. I don't remember it making me this sleepy, but I am motivated today. I'm sure that has nothing to do with the medicine as it takes like 3 weeks for it to build up in the body for a person to notice any effects. Anyway, I've been up since 8:30 and I've done a shitload of laundry, started cleaning my rooms and I've just finished all of my online Spanish homework. That's more motivation than I've had in awhile. I'm sort of sick to my stomach today. I think I'm going to go and lie down. Yeah, this is a pretty random post.


An Itchy Update

I feel:: depressed

So, I'm dropping Astronomy class because it's stressing me out. I now have a rash over my ENTIRE body from my little freak out last night. My dad, empathetic soul that he is, asked me if it could be caused by my nerves. I said, sarcastically, "Well, I don't know. MAYBE!" That's me Queen Passive Agressive.


More Fucking Crying

I feel:: pissed off
The voices in my head are particularly loud and obnoxious today.

It's childhood flashback day. yay.

My dad caught me smoking in my room when I was 15. He rushed at me and threw me against my dresser and my head broke the mirror. I fell to the floor and he was on top of me choking me. I kicked him in his recent hernia surgery area and he fell back off of me, out of breath. I ran out of the house, not knowing where I was going. He followed me in his car. I went to a friend's house whose mother was the school counselor. She turned me over to Child Protective Services and called my father. He came in and they asked him what happened. He lied. He fucking looked me in the eye and lied. I had bruises on my neck from where he had tried to choke me and he said that I had been playing in my makeup or some such thing. Basically, that it was all in my head and that I had made it up for attention. Guess who was believed? Yeah, you got that right. Daddy.

Or then there was the time when I went to my senior prom and I had gotten all dressed up and was waiting for my friend to come over. ( I didn't have a date for the senior prom so my best friend and I took each other.) My dad said,"The dress is pretty, but you look like a slut." Thanks Dad. That does a lot for my self esteem.

I hate days like this. I feel like I want to slit my wrists and just go away. I feel my life unraveling around me and I can't stop it. I'm too sick to go to class most of the time so my grades are slipping. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Cry some more? That will get me exactly nowhere. I'm so angry right now and I don't have any outlet for it. I'd like to punch my dad right in the jaw right about now. I just want to disappear.


Three Fractals

I feel:: excited
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~Do You Ever Wonder?

Valentine2(Phoenix In Flight)


La Fuera del Dio (The Fire of God)

I Been Makin' Fractals

I feel:: accomplished
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Buena Vista Social Club~El Cuarto de Tula

Tell me what you guys think of these. I'm just in love with making fractals now. :)


La Reina del Oceano


I've got another one to post but the fractal is still calculating on my comp. It's a variation on Valentine. I'll post that later.


Just Some Questions and Answers

I feel:: like I'm working
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: that song Sunrise/Sunset from Fiddler On The Roof

1. When was the last time you told someone you loved them: I told Erik that I loved him the weekend before last when he came over. I told Tanya that I loved her last weekend on her bday.

2. When was the last time someone told you they loved you:Erik told me he loved me when he was here the weekend before last and Tanya last weekend.

3. When was the last time you walked in the rain: I walked in the rain at school the other day. My hair got all frizzy and I looked like afro-woman.

4. When was the last time you splashed in a puddle: Ummmm...I stepped in some mud the other day leaving ToysRUs. Does that count?

5. When was the last time you felt loved:I don't know. I have trouble believing people when they say that they love me, even when I know that they are telling the truth.

6. When was the last time you felt alone: Right now.

7 When was the last time you really needed a hug: Right now.

8 When was the last time you held a baby: I held a baby last Thursday. Elijah. I stole some sugars from him and he ran around the entire night going,"Sugars! Sugars!"

9 When was the last time you talked like a baby: I baby talk my cats all the time.

10. When was the last time you built a snowman: I have never built a snowman.

11. If not a snow man what about running through a pile of leaves:I don't think I've run through a pile of leaves since I was like ten years old.

12 When was the last time you felt proud of yourself: The last time I made all A's at school, which was 2 semesters ago.

13 When was the last time you stuck up for someone: I stuck up for myself the last time I saw Blue October at Juanita's. Some drunk guy palmed my ass several times and his friend came up to me and was all,"You'll have to excuse my friend. He's really drunk." I said,"Oh, NO SHIT?! WELL, I DON'T GIVE A GOOD GOD DAMN WHAT HE IS BUT HE BETTER NOT TOUCH ME AGAIN OR HE WON'T LEAVE THIS BUILDING WITHOUT A LIMP!"

14. When was the last time you got goosebumps: Last Sunday in church while I was singing to God.

15. When was the last time you really got to say how you felt: I try to say how I feel every day.

16. When was the last time you sang in the shower: I sing every time I'm in the shower.

17. When was the last time you danced around in your pajamas: Ummmm the other day.

18. When was the last time you burnt toast: I don't eat toast, so I don't know.

19. When was the last time you hugged someone: Erik, Tanya (see above)

20 When was the last time you wanted to run away: Yesterday.

21 When was the last time you hurt yourself: I gave myself a paper cut on my eyelid the other night with my star chart from astronomy class. I don't know how I managed that, but I bet I couldn't do it again even for money.

22 When was the last time you kissed someone: Erik, the weekend before last.

23 When was the last time someone kissed you: same as above.

24 When was the last time you looked forward to something: Last weekend and I got my hopes dashed to the ground like so much broken pottery.

25 When was the last time you woke up and really enjoyed your first stretch: Any morning that I'm not in pain, I enjoy stretching.

26 When was the last time you heard one of your favorite songs: Last night: I Am Weary (Let Me Rest)- O Brother Where Art Thou Soundtrack.

27 When was the last time you dreamt: I dreamt last night that I was homeless and strange people were shacking up in my house.

28 When was the last time you smiled: I smiled at my Astronomy Prof. yesterday in class because when I asked him a question, he looked like he was going to bite my head off. I was remembering the moment in La Femme Nikita where the older mentor lady says,"Smile when you say,'I never did mind the little things.'" It worked, he started being nice to me after I flashed him a big, flirty smile.

29 When was the last time you laughed: When Sally told me her joke about the monkey putting things in his ass and then eating them.

30 When was the last time you told a secret: Yesterday.

31 When was the last time you felt mad: Yesterday.

32 When was the last time you actually thought it couldn't get any worse: This last weekend.

33 When was the last time you watched a sunset/sunrise: I don't remember.

34 When was the last time you did something you've never done before: When I went to a new church a few weeks ago.

35 When was the last time you wrote a letter: I wrote a thank you note last week. Does that count? It was handwritten.

37 When was the last time you wish you could change something you did: I would change a lot of things I have done, but I don't know if that would make anything better. It would probably make everything worse.

38 When was the last time you felt inadequate: Every day.

39 When was the last time you spoke your mind: Every second, of every day!

40 When was the last time you helped someone:Yesterday.

41 When was the last time you told a lie: I lie to myself pretty much every day.

42 When was the last time you wept for someone: About 6 months ago while I was praying for someone.

43 When was the last time you swung on a swingset: I can't remember.

44 When was the last time you were given the best gift: I can't remember.

45 When was the last time you were told you were mean: The last time I was in CA in 1992, the guy that I was there to see called me an "iron cast bitch" because I wouldn't sleep with him.

46 When was the last time you picked a wild flower: I've never picked wildflowers.

47 When was the last time you had a fortune cookie: I don't eat the fortune cookies, I just crack them open to see what my fortune in bed is.

48 When was the last time you really needed to just be held: Right now.


You Don't Always Get What You Want, But You Always Get What You Need

I feel:: touched
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: O' Brother Where Art Thou?~Down In The River

Mat 5:1 When Jesus saw his ministry drawing huge crowds, he climbed a hillside. Those who were apprenticed to him, the committed, climbed with him. Arriving at a quiet place, he sat down
Mat 5:2 and taught his climbing companions. This is what he said:
Mat 5:3 "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
Mat 5:4 "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
Mat 5:5 "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are--no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
Mat 5:6 "You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
Mat 5:7 "You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'carefull,' you find yourselves cared for.
Mat 5:8 "You're blessed when you get your inside world--your mind and heart--put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
Mat 5:9 "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
Mat 5:10 "You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
Mat 5:11 "Not only that--count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.
Mat 5:12 You can be glad when that happens--give a cheer, even!--for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
Mat 5:13 "Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.
Mat 5:14 "Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill.
Mat 5:15 If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand.
Mat 5:16 Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand--shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.
Mat 5:17 "Don't suppose for a minute that I have come to demolish the Scriptures--either God's Law or the Prophets. I'm not here to demolish but to complete. I am going to put it all together, pull it all together in a vast panorama.
Mat 5:18 God's Law is more real and lasting than the stars in the sky and the ground at your feet. Long after stars burn out and earth wears out, God's Law will be alive and working.
Mat 5:19 "Trivialize even the smallest item in God's Law and you will only have trivialized yourself. But take it seriously, show the way for others, and you will find honor in the kingdom.
Mat 5:20 Unless you do far better than the Pharisees in the matters of right living, you won't know the first thing about entering the kingdom.
Mat 5:21 "You're familiar with the command to the ancients, 'Do not murder.'
Mat 5:22 I'm telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother 'idiot!' and you just might find yourself hauled into court. Thoughtlessly yell 'stupid!' at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill.
Mat 5:23 "This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you,
Mat 5:24 abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.
Mat 5:25 "Or say you're out on the street and an old enemy accosts you. Don't lose a minute. Make the first move; make things right with him. After all, if you leave the first move to him, knowing his track record, you're likely to end up in court, maybe even jail.
Mat 5:26 If that happens, you won't get out without a stiff fine.
Mat 5:27 "You know the next commandment pretty well, too: 'Don't go to bed with another's spouse.'
Mat 5:28 But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices--they also corrupt.
Mat 5:29 "Let's not pretend this is easier than it really is. If you want to live a morally pure life, here's what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer. You have to choose to live one-eyed or else be dumped on a moral trash pile.
Mat 5:30 And you have to chop off your right hand the moment you notice it raised threateningly. Better a bloody stump than your entire being discarded for good in the dump.
Mat 5:31 "Remember the Scripture that says, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him do it legally, giving her divorce papers and her legal rights'?
Mat 5:32 Too many of you are using that as a cover for selfishness and whim, pretending to be righteous just because you are 'legal.' Please, no more pretending. If you divorce your wife, you're responsible for making her an adulteress (unless she has already made herself that by sexual promiscuity). And if you marry such a divorced adulteress, you're automatically an adulterer yourself. You can't use legal cover to mask a moral failure.
Mat 5:33 "And don't say anything you don't mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions.
Mat 5:34 You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, 'I'll pray for you,' and never doing it, or saying, 'God be with you,' and not meaning it. You don't make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true.
Mat 5:35 (SEE 5:34)
Mat 5:36 (SEE 5:34)
Mat 5:37 Just say 'yes' and 'no.' When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong.
Mat 5:38 "Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.'
Mat 5:39 Is that going to get us anywhere? Here's what I propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it.
Mat 5:40 If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it.
Mat 5:41 And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life.
Mat 5:42 No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.
Mat 5:43 "You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.'
Mat 5:44 I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer,
Mat 5:45 for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best--the sun to warm and the rain to nourish--to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty.
Mat 5:46 If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that.
Mat 5:47 If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.
Mat 5:48 "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.

I so needed to read that today. Funny how God directs a person to read what they need to read or be where they need to be. Been praying a lot. I miss Erik.