9.2.04

More Fucking Crying

I feel:: pissed off
The voices in my head are particularly loud and obnoxious today.

It's childhood flashback day. yay.

My dad caught me smoking in my room when I was 15. He rushed at me and threw me against my dresser and my head broke the mirror. I fell to the floor and he was on top of me choking me. I kicked him in his recent hernia surgery area and he fell back off of me, out of breath. I ran out of the house, not knowing where I was going. He followed me in his car. I went to a friend's house whose mother was the school counselor. She turned me over to Child Protective Services and called my father. He came in and they asked him what happened. He lied. He fucking looked me in the eye and lied. I had bruises on my neck from where he had tried to choke me and he said that I had been playing in my makeup or some such thing. Basically, that it was all in my head and that I had made it up for attention. Guess who was believed? Yeah, you got that right. Daddy.

Or then there was the time when I went to my senior prom and I had gotten all dressed up and was waiting for my friend to come over. ( I didn't have a date for the senior prom so my best friend and I took each other.) My dad said,"The dress is pretty, but you look like a slut." Thanks Dad. That does a lot for my self esteem.

I hate days like this. I feel like I want to slit my wrists and just go away. I feel my life unraveling around me and I can't stop it. I'm too sick to go to class most of the time so my grades are slipping. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Cry some more? That will get me exactly nowhere. I'm so angry right now and I don't have any outlet for it. I'd like to punch my dad right in the jaw right about now. I just want to disappear.

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