5 Weird Things About Me (Like there's only 5-that's a joke in itself)

I feel:: anxious
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Alicia Keys~The Diary of Alicia Keys

1. I can't go out with a guy unless he has a certain scent about him. I can't describe it, but I know it when it's there and when it's not. It's not cologne, either. It's just something about body chemicals mixing with skin and other things.

2. I collect Disney movies. Not only that, but I have committed to memory almost every Disney song from those movies and can sing them on command. I sometimes burst out with one out of the blue, which makes my friends think I'm on crack. I've always wanted to sing a song for a Disney movie. Crazy dream, but a dream nonetheless.

3. I count steps. It doesn't matter where I am or how many steps I go up or down. I count them. I have memorized the number of steps in almost all of the stairways at school.

4. I hear things weird. Here's a couple of examples: One afternoon, my best friend Tanya and I were riding in my car going to get something to eat or to the mall or some such thing. Anyway, while I was driving, Tanya said, "I'm having the itch to go out." What I heard was, "I'm fixin' to hitch my toe out." That was pretty funny and now every time we go out we hitch our toes out. Another example: I was working at a restaurant with a bunch of guys and it was time to close. I was taking the trash out to the dumpster behind the restaurant. When I got outside, I saw all of the guys standing around in sort of a semi-circle. I said,"Hey, what're you guys doing?" What they said was, "We're waiting for Jack to quit." What I heard was,"We're waiting to ejaculate." This doubled me over in laughter because I immediately thought of, you know, ...circle jerk. Anyway, they thought I was high and laughed along with me, but they never let me live that one down.

5. I spontaneously talk in either Spanish, French, or English depending on my mood. The other day, when Sally, Tanya and I were at Wally World, we found these teeny little cakes that were frosted all different flavors. I picked one up and held it out to Tanya and said,"Voulez-vous un petit gateau?" Tanya looked at Sally and said,"She's doing it again." Or sometimes, when I'm in a Mexican restaurant, I'll start speaking in Spanish without realizing it and whomever I'm with will inevitably be looking at me like I've gone green and grown antennae.


The life I try vainly to cup with my hands runs silently and slicky through my fingers.

I feel:: high
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~The Beekeeper

I feel inspired to write something, which hasn't happened for a little while now due to my being sick (mentally and physically). Now that I'm sitting here writing, I don't know what I should write about.

Well, I've been taking at least two Klonopin a day because of my anxiety levels. I realized the other day when I started to shake about 15 minutes after I ate that it might not be my blood sugar going haywire like I had always previously thought. I thought I would try an experiment. I took half of a Klonopin pill (what's half of 0.5? ). Anyway, about 15 minutes later, I was fine and dandy. This makes me wonder about all the other times I would shake violently immediately after eating. It makes me think that it was anxiety and not blood sugar. I mean, I could understand it if I had just eaten something really sugary, but most of the time it would happen after I had eaten a good meal. The only thing I can think of is that I have some lingering eating disorder issues that I have not dealt with. I seem to have a mild relapse in the winter (right about now is when it usually starts) and I wind up losing 10-20 pounds, which is not bad for me considering I can stand to lose that much weight, but the accompanying mental hell I put myself through in order to achieve that weight loss is just amazing. No one has ever been so cruel to me as I have been (and still am) to myself. Ever. Well, I'm going to go to bed before I convince myself that the world is better off without my presence. Night y'all.


Those same old nagging, irritating questions.

I feel:: geeky

I went to the doctor on Monday and he said that I still have Bronchitis. He wrote me a prescription for Doxycycline. I also talked to him about upping my Prozac, which he did. He also gave me a prescription for an anti-anxiety drug, which was really nice. I'm feeling a bit better physically, but mentally I'm pretty much way up and way down. I did manage to clean my rooms and to take a shower yesterday, so that's good. At least I'm not smelly.

I was getting gas at the station up the way from my house the other day when a youngish man in a 80's era pick up truck pulled up to the pump behind me blasting ( and I mean blasting) country music. This is what I heard,"You're luvin' me so easy. My passion rises high" It was hard not to laugh. I had to physically turn my body away from him so he wouldn't see me giggling. Then, when I went inside to pay (the stupid machine wasn't taking my card) he stepped right in front of me even though I was next in line. The cashier looked at me, instead of him, and said,"Can I help you miss?" Captain Redneck must have found his runaway chivalry at that moment because he backed up and said, ungallantly,"She hasn't been waited on yet. It's her turn." You can imagine my gratefulness. I must have looked at Captain Redneck like I had been eating sour Persimmons because he remained a pretty good distance from me and thankfully didn't say anything else.

I just have one more thing to say. Last night was a complete surprise. Amazing. Wow. I think I'm going to keep this experience to myself and not give y'all all the details. There's just some things a girl has to keep private. I have all these questions now. They're the same questions I have been asking myself since I was a teenager. I think that geeky teenager should shut the hell up.


Normal Service Will Resume Shortly As Soon As I Can Pull My Head Out of My Ass

I feel:: blah

Because I have nothing better to do and I can't be bothered to be funny, imaginative, or creative, I compiled a list of some books I've read. Enjoy.

My Bookworminess:

1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Harry Potter 6) [Adult edition] - J.K. Rowling
2. Papillon - Henri Charriere
3. More Than Complete Hitchhiker's Guide - Douglas Adams
4. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - J. K. Rowling
5. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - J.K. Rowling
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Book 5): Adult Edition - J.K. Rowling
7. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Book 2): Adult Edition - J.K. Rowling
8. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Book 4): Adult Edition - J.K. Rowling
9. Interview with the Vampire - Anne Rice
10. The Vampire Lestat - Anne Rice
11. The Queen of the Damned - Anne Rice
12. The Vampire Armand - Anne Rice
13. Blackwood Farm - Anne Rice
14. Violin - Anne Rice
15. Pandora: New Tales of the Vampires - Anne Rice
16. Servant of the Bones - Anne Rice
17. Vittorio, the Vampire - Anne Rice
18. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty - Anne Roquelare
19. Beauty's Punishment-Anne Roquelare
20. Beauty's Release-Anne Roquelare
21. Blood Canticle - Anne Rice
22. Merrick - Anne Rice
23. The Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie
24. Legion - William Peter Blatty
25. The Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
26. The Screwtape Letters - C. S. Lewis
27. "The 120 Days of Sodom" and Other Writings - Marquis de Sade
28. White Oleander - Janet Fitch
29. Illiad - Homer
30. The Odyssey - Homer
31. Mere Christianity - C. S. Lewis
32. Taltos - Anne Rice
33. The Witching Hour - Anne Rice
34. The Book of God: The Bible as a Novel - Walter Wangerin
35. The Mists of Avalon - Marion Zimmer Bradley
36. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - hardback - J. R. R. Tolkien
37. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring - J. R. R. Tolkien
38. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers - J. R. R. Tolkien
39. The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
40. Shogun: A Novel of Japan - James Clavell
41. Wasted - Marya Hornbacher
42. Schindler's List - Thomas Keneally
43. Decker's Complete Handbook on Mormonism - Ed Decker
44. Demon Possession and the Christian - C. Fred Dickason
45. Charismatic Chaos - John F. MacArthur
46. Baker Encyclopedia of Christian Apologetics - Norman L. Geisler
47. How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign - Adele Lang, Susi Rajah
48. Blonde - Joyce Carol Oates
49. The Golden - Lucius Shepherd
50. Dracula - Bram Stoker
51. The Bible Code - Michael Drosnin
52. She's Come Undone - Wally Lamb
53. The Silence of the Lambs - Thomas Harris
54. Red Dragon - Thomas Harris
55. The Adversary: The Christian Versus Demon Activity - Mark I. Bubeck
56. Overcoming the Adversary: Warfare Praying Against Demon Activity - Mark I. Bubeck
57. Cry, the Beloved Country - Alan Paton
58. Snow White - Barthelme
59. The Jew of Malta - Christopher Marlowe
60. The Plague - Albert Camus
61. The Phantom of the Opera - Gaston Leroux
62. Merchant of Venice - William Shakespeare
63. Diary of Ellen Rimbauer, The: My Life at "Rose Red" - Ellen Rimbauer, Joyce Reardon
64. Long Hard Road Out of Hell - Marilyn Manson
65. The Guide to Getting It On! - Paul Joannides
66. Exploring Psychology 6th + Study Guide & Pychinquiry + M&b Reader + Hm Reader - David G. Myers, Richard O. Straub, Thomas Ludwig, Scientific American
67. Communication: Principles for a Lifetime - Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe, Diana K. Ivy
68. The Bondage Breaker: Overcoming Negative Thoughts, Irrational Feelings and Habitual Sins - Neil T. Anderson
69. Hustled: My Journey from Fear to Faith - Tonya Flynt-Vega
70. Understanding Abnormal Behavior: Text with Free Student CD-ROM - David Sue, Derald Wing Sue, Stanley Sue
71. The Eye of the World - Robert Jordan
72. The Great Hunt - Robert Jordan
73. The Dragon Reborn - Robert Jordan
74. The Shadow Rising - Robert Jordan
75. The Fires of Heaven - Robert Jordan
76. Lord of Chaos - Robert Jordan
77. A Crown of Swords - Robert Jordan
78. The Feast of All Saints - Anne Rice
79. Cry to Heaven - Anne Rice
80. The Mummy - Anne Rice
81. The Tale of the Body Thief - Anne Rice
82. Lasher - Anne Rice
83. Memnoch The Devil - Anne Rice
84. Blood and Gold: The Vampire Marius - Anne Rice
85. Journeys Through Oz - L. Frank Baum
86. Child Development: A Thematic Approach - Danuta Bukatko, Marvin Daehler
87. Human Sexuality - Simon LeVay, Sharon M. Valente
88. Handbook for Writers - Lynn Quitman Troyka
89. Health Psychology - Shelley E. Taylor
90. Women's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets - Barbara G. Walker
91. The Schwarzbein Principle Cookbook - Diana Schwarzbein, Nancy Deville, Evelyn Jacob Jaffe
92. The Schwarzbein Principle - Diana Schwarzbein, Nancy Deville, Evelyn Jacob Jaffe
93. Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution - Robert C. Atkins
94. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: How to Get What You Want in Your Relationships - John Gray
95. Run Baby Run - Nicky Cruz
96. The NutriBase Guide to Carbohydrates, Calories and Fat in Your Food - Art Ulene
97. Mirror Mirror - Gregory Maguire
98. Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West - Gregory Maguire
99. Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister - Gregory Maguire
100. Son of a Witch - Gregory Maguire
101. Purpose-driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? - Rick Warren
102. Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
103. Punish the Sinners - John Saul
104. The Talisman - Stephen King, Peter Straub
105. Salem's Lot - Stephen King
106. The Stand - Stephen King
107. Pet Semetary - Stephen King
108. Rose Madder - Stephen King
109. Lucrezia Borgia - John Faunce
110. Jane Eyre - Emily Bronte
111. Night of the Wolf - Alice Borchardt
112. Offerings - T.M. Minton
113. A Wrinkle In Time - Madeline L'Engle
114. Heaven - V.C. Andrews
115. If There Be Thorns - V. C. Andrews
116. The Mammoth Hunters - Jean M. Auel
117. The Clan of the Cave Bear - Jean M. Auel
118. The Valley of Horses - Jean M. Auel
119. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
120. Bad Girls of the Bible: And What We Can Learn from Them - Liz Curtis Higgs
121. Really Bad Girls of the Bible - Liz Curtis Higgs
122. The Pilates Back Book - Tia Stanmore
123. Je veux bien! (Second Edition) - Jeannette D. Bragger, Donald B. Rice
124. Psychology: Fields of Application - Astrid M. Stec, Douglas A. Bernstein (Editors)
125. Ovid - Metamorphoses
126. The Exorcist - William Peter Blatty
127. Path of Daggers - Robert Jordan
128. Winter's Heart - Robert Jordan

These are only some of the books I've read. I got tired of pilfering through my bookcase and gave up and there are some more books I have that I haven't unpacked in the afour years that I've been living here. They're still in the garage in plastic bins. In particular, I'm missing my book of Anias Nin stories. So, what should I read next?


Kill Me Monday

I feel:: depressed

Honesty time:
1. I have left the house only once in the past 5 days.

2. I haven't bathed in 3 days.

3. I have a huge project to turn in for my Health Psychology class today, but I won't turn it in because I haven't been working on it.

4. I have no money.

5. I have no job.

6. I want to disappear.

7. I hate myself.

8. I should probably get off the pity pot.

9. I haven't been to therapy in over two months.

10. I'm getting sick again.

11. I'm having suicidal thoughts.

12. I'm afraid.

EDIT: Ok, I showered. I feel better.


It's The Pelvic Thrust That Really Drives You Insane

I feel:: uncomfortable
What song is on a loop in my head right now~something by Jewel

One day last week, after I had gotten home from French class and had fallen blessedly into a fevered sleep, the house alarm started blaring and yanked me out of my bed unwillingly. It was so loud that I was confused and my ears were aching thanks to the ear infection I have. I walked out into the hallway to see my dad standing at the consol of the alarm panicky and randomly pressing buttons. Before I could stop myself, I yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Dad yelled back,"IT JUST STARTED GOING OFF!" I retorted loudly,"WHAT DID YOU DO TO IT?" Dad:"NOTHING!" Me:"ARE YOU SURE?" Dad: "YES!" At that point I thought to myself, "Sonofabitchin' thing didn't just go off by itself!" Well, neither one of us has ever known the disarm/arm code for the house alarm and we don't pay to have it monitored, so it just continued to blare incessantly. After a few minutes of watching Dad pressing buttons and not knowing what the hell he was doing, I stalked into the kitchen and drug back one of the kitchen table chairs. I continued down the hallway with it and stopped right underneath where the actual alarm is screwed into the wall. I stepped up onto the chair with screwdriver in hand, unscrewed the one screw keeping it there and ripped the damn thing out of the wall. So, now everyone knows just how cranky I am when I wake up.

Last night, Tanya, Sally and I went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Market Street Cinema here in Little Rock. Being that we all were Rocky Horror virgins (We'd never seen it in a theater before.), I thought we did pretty well. We threw rice as the newleyweds exited the church at the beginning of the movie and whenever Brad or Janet's name was said, we all yelled,"SLUT!" or "ASSHOLE!". We sung along with the Dammit Janet song. We had our newspapers on our heads for the rainstorm, but unfortunately, we didn't have water guns or flashlights (yeah... virgins). We hurled toilet paper when Prof. Scott burst through the concrete wall and Brad yelled,"GREAT SCOTT!" We also had our party hats on and made good use of our noise makers in the lab scene. We didn't have rubber gloves, though. The last thing we did was throw cards in the last scene when Frank N. Furter sings,"Cards for sorrow. Cards for pain." There was a guy sitting a couple of rows up from us who seemed to be an old hand at the Rocky Horror experience. He knew just what to say at every opportune time, like when the narrator first comes on the screen, he yelled,"WHERE'S HIS NECK?" He was great. There were some people dressed up and some not, but most everyone went down to the front of the theater to do the Time Warp. Us virgins, being shy and all, attempted the Time Warp from the safety of our theater seats. All in all, it was fun. Next year, I'm going as Magenta. Magenta will also be slightly inebriated.

Edit: Originally, it was just E and I going to see Rocky Horror, but when we talked about it Sunday night, we said that we wanted to go to the 11:30pm show because we thought there would be more people dressed up then and acting crazier, but that show didn't have any tickets available so I had to get them for the 9:30 time. (Earlier that day [Monday], I had talked to Sally and Tanya to ask them if they wanted to go as well and they were all for it, so I was buying tickets for all of us in advance.) I tried to call E three times to let her know, but no one ever answered her phone. She called me today and left me a hurt sounding voicemail asking what had happened. I feel badly about the way things happened. I feel like it's my fault somehow. When I talked to her on the phone just a few minutes ago, I think I gave her the impression that I didn't go at all, which is not true. (She said she called me twice last night, but there is no record of it on my phone under 'Missed Calls'. She's not one to lie, so I'm wondering why there is nothing showing that she called. Not many people call me so I don't have many missed calls, but the ones I did miss that night did show up, except hers. She also said that she was at home by 8:30. I wish I had called her a fourth time. ) I did go and I wanted her to go too. Dammit. She's having a bad time today too and I feel like I added to the load by what happened last night. Why does nearly everything I try to do wind up getting fucked up some way?

By the way, I'm still sort of sick. I feel good: I feel bad. I can go from feeling relatively normal to feeling downright ill in a matter of minutes. My fever, although it broke sometime last week, still occasionally spikes, which sucks. I'm still taking antibiotics and a prescription decongestant, but I still wake up every morning with my chest tight and coughing. I'm thinking I may have to go back to the doctor when I've finished all my medicine. Oy. The decongestant makes me so dizzy that I have to hold on to walls to walk after I take it. On Sunday, I made the mistake of taking it right before I went to church. That was fun. The pastor's head and face kept going in and out of focus and I had trouble remembering what the sermon was about afterwards. Pfft. I'm so over this.