17.11.05

The life I try vainly to cup with my hands runs silently and slicky through my fingers.

I feel:: high
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~The Beekeeper

I feel inspired to write something, which hasn't happened for a little while now due to my being sick (mentally and physically). Now that I'm sitting here writing, I don't know what I should write about.

Well, I've been taking at least two Klonopin a day because of my anxiety levels. I realized the other day when I started to shake about 15 minutes after I ate that it might not be my blood sugar going haywire like I had always previously thought. I thought I would try an experiment. I took half of a Klonopin pill (what's half of 0.5? ). Anyway, about 15 minutes later, I was fine and dandy. This makes me wonder about all the other times I would shake violently immediately after eating. It makes me think that it was anxiety and not blood sugar. I mean, I could understand it if I had just eaten something really sugary, but most of the time it would happen after I had eaten a good meal. The only thing I can think of is that I have some lingering eating disorder issues that I have not dealt with. I seem to have a mild relapse in the winter (right about now is when it usually starts) and I wind up losing 10-20 pounds, which is not bad for me considering I can stand to lose that much weight, but the accompanying mental hell I put myself through in order to achieve that weight loss is just amazing. No one has ever been so cruel to me as I have been (and still am) to myself. Ever. Well, I'm going to go to bed before I convince myself that the world is better off without my presence. Night y'all.

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