Crazy People

I feel:: aggravated

I think my car might be invisible. I just got a new car the other day. Brand spankin' new. It's Electric Blue. I think people just don't see it. Either that or these crazy ass people around here just can't drive for shit. I think the latter, rather than the former may be true. I'm happy that I got a brand new car, but now I'm paranoid thinking that all these crazy drivers are going to run right into my brand spankin' new car.

I managed to get out of the house yesterday to eat lunch with a lady that I know. We went to Vino's. That was the extent of my getting out of the house yesterday. I wore myself out with that little outing. Today, I had a guitar lesson and then I went to Sufficient Grounds to eat. I was exhausted when I got home. I slept till like 8:00pm. I am still dizzy from all the sinus junk. I tripped over my guitar case when I was in my lesson and Paul just looked at me like I was crazy. So, I had to explain why I've been sick for 3 weeks from a 3 day cold that I caught from his son. I can't bring myself to tell him about the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I don't want him to pity me or to shun me. Some people think CFS is contagious like AIDS, but it's not.
I feel like I need to lose some weight, but every time I try, I get into that eating disordered way of thinking and I go overboard with it and wind up being even more depressed than I usually am. So, I can be depressed, or be fat and depressed. What a choice.

I'm bored, bored, bored, but I'm too sick to go out and do anything.


Obsessive Compulsive, Or Not? That Is The Question.

I feel:: exhausted
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Depeche Mode~Personal Jesus

I just finished alphabetizing all 150 of my cds. Ahem..... I don't think it's weird to have one's cd's organized, but some people evidently do (cough, cough, Sally). :) But I argue that my alphabetizing my cds doesn't hold a candle to her roaming the house 4 or 5 times before she goes to bed while looking for stray knives that she must put underneath plates.

The more I think about that night that Lainie and I hung out with Ra ( I can't seem to get it out of my mind. OCD thing I guess.), the more I realize that I don't really like them and I don't want to hang out with them again. Also if they put out another album, I don't think I'll buy it and I don't think I'll pay to go to another of their shows either. The more I replay the events of that night in my mind, the more I realize what exactly was going on. The more I see clearly just what kind of men they are. They have a song about men not putting their hands on women who don't want sexual advances, but don't adhere to what they preach. I don't like that. I also don't like the fact that they put off such a clean, nice guy image and when in fact, they are just the opposite. I found them to be fake, exasperating, arrogant, narcissitic and extremely self important. I guess I didn't see all of this before because I had had a few drinks. Or maybe I just didn't want to see it. Whatever, I can't support a band like that, even if I like their music. I realize that most guys in bands are that way. I also realize that most people are that way to some extent. But I believe that, despite hearing many opinions to the contrary and experiencing many bad personalities from people in bands, that there are some really nice and down to earth guys in bands. I haven't met very many, but that doesn't mean that they are not out there. Maybe I'm foolish and blind. Maybe I'm naive. I do believe that not all guys are insensitive assholes. Despite my past, I really try to believe in the chivalry and nobleness of men. Maybe I set my expectations too high. I should look into that, I suppose.

On another note, I went to see Tomb Raider- The Cradle of Life earlier tonight with Sally. It was ok. As always, good special effects. The acting was so-so. Script could have been better. Plot was ok. Not all it was hyped up to be though. And what's up with the damn commercials before movies now? Don't we get enough of that on tv for pete's sake? That irritates me a lot.

I'm thinking that I should try and change my mindset from the type of men that I'm attracted to now, to another type of guy. It seems that I'm one of those stupid women that only go out with asshats. I need to expand my viewpoint and start looking deeper at people. People used to say to me that they felt like when I looked at them that I could see right through them. As if I were looking into their soul and could divine all of their secrets. I never did that, but I think my spiritual antennae need some exercising. I've become lax in my summing up of people. So, yeah, that's my goal for this week: to submit my expectations of people and my lack in skills of judging whom to trust up to God. We'll see how it goes.



I feel:: suicidal

I've never been the person I wanted to be. The person I should be. I have a serious issue with low self esteem. I have a victim mentality. I keep saying that I want people to treat me with respect and love me. But I don't respect or love myself. I sacrifice my ideals in order to gain some temporary inflated sense of self. This always leaves me feeling shitty. I could get all the degrees in the world, but if I don't fix my self esteem, I'll always be looking for approval from others, not getting it, and getting hurt because of my high expectations of people. I feel right now like everyone is my enemy. I feel like everyone is masquerading; trying to hide the evil which inevitably lies inside of them. I don't know who to trust. I can't trust myself, that much is obvious. I feel that my skin is too thin for me to operate in the world. I feel that I wasn't meant to be here. As if I were born in the wrong time. Sometimes I think that it would be better if I just stopped trying to fight and left it all here, but I don't have the courage. It seems as if everytime something or someone pierces me, I revert to self mutilation and self destruction. I cry and cry and it never helps. I try to talk to people, but I don't ever know if they really understand or if they are just saying they do to try and make me feel better. I feel really alone. I'm afraid sometimes that if I tell things to people that they will ridicule me and say things like,"You should have known better." or "That was really stupid." I'm afraid that they will say that everything, all of it, is all my fault. I'm afraid that I am all of the things that I'm afraid that I am. Those fears that push against my mind and strain to be released. They roam around in my mind and search for weaknesses. Some people seem to be better at spotting my weaknesses than others. Or maybe I'm just a walking target. Maybe I wear my emotions on my sleeve and people can read me like an open book. Maybe I'm just pathetic and not worth anyone's time. The thing is, I've always felt this way. I can't remember not feeling this way to a certain extent. Sometimes it's worse than others. Like now. I hate myself. I hate what I've become. The person I am. I hate my failures. I hate my words. I hate the way I look. I hate my life. I find momentary happiness, but it always slips from me. God.... God to me seems like some invisible asshole that I will never see and never understand. My feelings vascillate constantly on the subject of God. It seems that when I need Him He is not there. It seems that He goes out of His way to cause me pain and I hate Him for it. But I love Him at the same time. I hate this waffling. This riding the fence. When I meet people like me I can't stand them. I curse their indecision and their weakness and their neediness. I suppose those traits I hate the most are the most recognizable to me in others because they are so familiar to me. Being those things that I hate the most about myself. It seems to me that our world revolves around sex. Sex makes me uncomfortable. There are two kinds of people it seems. Those who are predators and those who are victims. I can't really get into all of that now as the thoughts have not yet congealed themselves. That was just some random thing that crossed my mind. I suppose I'll stop trying gain attention now and just shut up.


I'm Such A Groupie *blush*

I feel:: amused

Lainie, Sally, Tanya and I went to Juanita's last night and saw Ra, Doubledrive and Presence. It was a really good show. Presence reminded me of Rage Against the Machine. Doubledrive was pretty much straight ahead rock and Ra is sort of metal with a Middle Eastern flavor.

Lainie and I hung out after the show and talked to some of the guys from Doubledrive and Ra. They were nice. I got lots of compliments on my boobs. *blush* We went to Midtown after and had some drinks and the bands came over there after awhile. Lainie dissappeared with the tour manager from Ra and I was all,"Where's my Lainie?" lol She came back and was all,"They want to hang out with you." So, I'm all,"Ok." So, we went on the bus and hung out for a long time. I talked with PJ and Scooter from Ra. They were cool. They were playing cds of some music they had done on their own or before they were in Ra. They were so absorbed in talking about music that I felt sort of like a fly on the wall. Then, all of the sudden, there was much discussion of my boots, which were 7 inch, knee high, lace up, white patent leather boots. It seems that my boots were very popular with the guys. lol Scooter even kissed my boot. He said he had a foot fetish. lol I was all,"Yeah, well, I have a shoe thing."

PJ left at one point for a little bit and Scooter and I were alone and he was all,"Can I flirt with you?" He was wanting to be with me really bad, but mostly he just wanted me to flash him a boob. Well, needless to say, I didn't do that. He kept asking me why and I was all,"I just don't do that sort of thing. I'm not that kind of person." I think he thought that I was your average run of the mill groupie and that I would do anything for a guy in a band. I was all, "Just a second. You need a reality check." I told him that I don't just sleep with whomever because I believe that when one person has sex with another person that each one leaves a part of themselves with the other one. Spiritually speaking. If a person does that often enough, after awhile all there is is an empty shell of a person. He seemed surprised that I would say something like that to him. He stopped bugging me for sex after that though. We just talked about a lot of things. He wanted to know all about me and he told me some things about himself. He said he was going to call me today. Well, we'll see, won't we?


A Letter To My Dad That He Will Most Likely Never Read

I feel:: numb
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: some morbid piano thing (how fitting, right?)

There is a part of me that loves you. There is a bigger part of me that hates you. I can't forget those things that you did to me. I guess I should just get over it because it was so long ago, but I can't because you are still cruel to me and you still punish me. Only now it's in different ways. Every time you are cruel to me, I remember those things that you said and those things that you did to me like they happened only yesterday. I relive everything and I relive all the emotions. It's like the wound has never healed and bleeds afresh with those memories.

I feel like you owe me. I think that you owe me a lot. You can't give it back to me emotionally, so I take it from you any way that I can. I realize that this is probably immature. One cannot help what one feels can they? These flashbacks are driving me crazy. I can't control my emotions. This is your fault. It is because of you that I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with men. You never respected me or cherished me, therefore, I go for men who treat me like shit. The things that you have done to me touch every part of my life. I hate you for that.

I can't seem to get my feelings straight regarding you. You go for awhile and you treat me ok and then, when I'm not expecting it, you become cruel. You are an abusive person and I want to get away from you. I feel like a terribly weak person for loving you. I feel like a sell out. I have so much pent up anger toward you. The thing is, if I didn't love you, you would not be able to hurt me as you do.

So, I suppose that I need to put up another emotional wall, don't I? I want to scream at you and rail at you and tell you all of these things to your face, but I doubt I ever will. I'll just keep it inside of me like everything else. I hate you.


Hit Me Where It Counts

I feel:: indescribable

Vengeance is Hers (Rape)

Rape is one of the rallying issues in the feminist movement. It is a subconscious fear in all women. Only a minority will ever have to experience the horror yet the very thought causes women everywhere to avoid being in isolated places or alone at night. They will buy dogs, locks, guns, take karate lessons, shift their work schedules or place of residence all to avoid becoming rape's victim. Why?

The facts are harsh. Rape is the fastest growing violent crime in America. Between 1967 and 1976 the number of reported rapes doubled. (Human Behavior, Dec. 1978) Part of this (although not all, by any means) can be attributed to women's diminishing reluctance to speak out. Though the stigma society places on a rape victim promotes silence, the tide of blame is slowly turning.

In a country where a rape occurs on the average of once every nine minutes with one of every five victims under twelve, social reform is long past due. (Hidden Victims: The Sexual Abuse of Children, Robert L. Geiser)

But, as with any emotion-packed issue, myths abound alongside the facts, some whose origins go back two or three hundred years. One such instance, is the belief that black rapists invariably choose white women for their victims: in reality the National Commission on Crime found 90% of the time offender and victim are of the same race.

Another widespread myth, brought to us via late-night movies and dime store novels, always characterizes the rapist as a stranger. In truth, Frederic Storaska, Executive Director of the National Organization for the Prevention of Rape and Assault reports about 70 out of every 100 rape victims are attacked by someone they know: a friend, neighbor, date, boss, etc .. leaving 30 percent ravaged by total strangers. The figures leap even higher with children; 75 percent of child molesters are people the child knows and trusts. (Hidden Victims: The Sexual Abuse of Children)

What of the ugly myth that a woman cannot be raped against her will? Dr. Menachim Amir, criminologist, in his extensive study of rape cases in Philadelphia found in "87% of all rapes the rapist either carries a weapon or threatens her with death." (Rape, Carol V. Horos) Other statistics show 39% physically overpowered and assaulted their victims.

Perhaps the most popular and harmful myth is one that TV, movies, magazines, fashion and advertising editors all capitalize on. The masculine macho man parades across the media landscape, smugly tolerating the dogged affection of the whimpering female, unable to resist his all-encompassing presence. A night in front of the TV would definitely convince an intergalactic traveler that sex is the number one thing on most human minds. Jokes and insinuations abound and everyone appears most willing. The problem with this myth is many people cannot distinguish reality from media hype.

When the average American spends an estimated six hours a day in front of the television, the subtle influence and perspectives are bound to wear off on the viewer. We would be naive indeed to refute the use of sexual come-ons in the media, especially advertising. Why else do we see women lounging across pick up trucks in Chevrolet ads, or a blond, blue-eyed model holding up an AC spark plug in Popular Mechanics?

Before we scream murder to the media, as women, we have to take our load of the blame. No one has ever been forced to be Playboy's playmate of the year. Whereas it can be justly argued that throughout the centuries society has laid this burden of inhumanity on women, nevertheless, our actions are our own. The sad part of it is many women do find their identity mainly within those limits, and all too often, knowingly or unknowingly, have bought the subtle rap of themselves as sex objects long before they were abused as such. Yet rape is never justified and the underlying accusation that its victims were consciously leading the rapist on unpardonable.

"When a woman is labeled 'rape victim' ordinary friendliness is reinterpreted in sexual terms, and any attractiveness in dress or figure is held against her. This situation is especially hypocritical in our society since women are expected to be attractive, even sexually attractive," (Society, July/Aug., '77)


If women have allowed themselves to be viewed as sub-people, the man falls under an equally paralyzing farce; that of the instant sex machine and performer. Always cool and in control with his sexual prowess in direct proportions to his manhood. Unable to achieve the Clint Eastwood facade, many men are demoralized. Just as entrapping as a woman's stereotype is the man's. Enticed by a sexually oriented world and unable to cope, a small minority of men lash out with rape.

"Rape is a complex, multi-determined act which, in addition to expressing anger and asserting control, also serves to compensate for feelings of helplessness, to reassure the offender about his sexual adequacy, to assert his identity, to defend against homosexual impulses, to deny fear of women, to retain status among peers, to achieve sexual gratification, and to discharge frustration." ("Rape: A Sexual Deviation," A. Nicholas Groth and Ann Wolbert Burgess, American Journal of Orthopsychietry, July 1977)

Groth and Burgess in their study of 133 rapists and 92 victims suggested two categories that rape falls into; anger and power. Quoting from the above report: "The anger rape was characterized by violent physical assaults on the victim, in which far more force was used than was necessary . . . The power rape, in contrast, was a premeditated, planned assault in which the offender would go over in his mind the details . . . he fantasized that the victim would, in fact, welcome the sexual experience."

We could add a third category to this list, one in which a convicted rapist rarely falls into because it is so seldom reported: the date rape. The couple goes to a movie, quiet dinner out, back at her apartment the girl is ready to say goodnight, but the man feels it has gone too far. This form of rape accounts for 35% of total assaults.

Many leading authorities discount lust as a prevalent motive of rape. Their reason being that nearly 2/3 of rape offenders are married with the majority of the remaining men having access to sexual relationships with girlfriends, prostitutes, etc. This is the mistake Lois G. Forer made in the opening quote of this article. While we would not downplay the other motivations, we need to understand the nature of lust.

The term is one our society smiles upon. From "Laugh-In's" dirty old man to albums entitled "Labor of Lust," the term is made one with the red-blooded American image. Thus, our desire to label rape solely "an act of violence" gains a rather questionable authenticity. After all, we couldn't admit that the same desire we freely espouse, could, when taken to its limit, cause such an animalistic act.

Lust cannot be equated with the normal sex drive; it gnaws at the afflicted person with no amount of gratification bringing relief. Every experience is found wanting, physically and emotionally. In ending, "Who is the rapist?" we quote Dr. Murray L. Cohen and Richard Boucher in "Misunderstandings About Sex Criminals" (Sexual Behavior, March 1972):

"The sexual offender may be passive and inhibited or active and assertive, gentle or violent, religious or irreligious, masculine or effeminate. He may hate his mother, love his mother, or be ambivalent about her. He may have had a repressive sexual development or he may have been overstimulated. And we could go on with these polar opposites. But what there is in common is a serious defect in interpersonal relationships, an absence of mature, selfless concern for the victim of his obsession, an inability to love in a desexualized manner, a terrible sadness and sense of loneliness, a lack of sublimation, and a totally narcissistic, self-centered orientation."


Women today are speaking out against the atrocity of rape as never before in history. It has, in fact, become a jump off point for many to view their deep-seated mistrust and hatred of all men. Consider these questions (ours), and answers (taken from Against Our Will: Men, Women and Rape by Susan Brownmiller). Q: Are all men inherently rapists? A: "From prehistoric times to the present, I believe, rape has played a critical function. It is nothing more or less than a conscious process of intimidation by which all men keep all women in a state of fear." (Brownmiller's emphasis) Q: Is there a conspiracy to which men have adhered, throughout the ages, using rape to usurp authority over women? A: "Rather than society's aberrants or 'spoilers of purity,' men who commit rape have served in effect as front-line masculine shock troops, terrorist guerrillas in the longest sustained battle the world has ever known."

These are serious accusations. If valid, they will change the world as we now live in it. We must not minimize the subject of rape. The evidence of its increasing occurrence is overwhelming. Many women are ruled by the fears that Browrimiller has expressed and they are not without cause.

Repeatedly, this fear has been voiced by women legitimately seeking answers, but the reactionary voice has taken the ball and run. What is a serious problem has become an obsession.

On this point we agree with Margaret Drabble as she spoke out in the New York Times (Jan. 21, 1979):

"As in murder, there are often mitigating circumstances, though even to suggest this causes an outcry of rage from those who wish to believe that all men are rapists at heart. It would be as ridiculous to argue that all battered babies are the victims of an organized conspiracy by all parents."

Drabble continues, "People, as women themselves are always arguing these days, tend to act out the image that society imposes on them. Women should beware of the image they impose on men . . . Let us have rape centers, let us defend the privacy of victims (but then why not of acquitted suspects?), let us by all means insist on prompt sympathetic treatment from the police.

"But let us not lose all sense of proportion. Rape is an assault upon the person, and should be so regarded: it is not a mystic sexual conspiracy."

But if rape isn't a devious conspiracy by men against women, why has the crime loomed so large on our horizon? We see two major reasons.

The first point is to reiterate that 70% of all rapes are committed by family members, dates, friends, . - . people you know and trusted. You can't pinpoint the hidden rapist. "in 'The Banality of Evil,' Hannah Arendt attempted to explain the success of the Nazis in wartime Germany. Put very simply, her argument was that there are very few evil people and a lot of very ordinary people who do evil things. And that is the horror of evil, that it is not recognizable, that it is not a thing reserved for extraordinary creatures. The effect of this insight is not to make the Nazi atrocities less fearful, but more. If the men who gassed, shot, and otherwise murdered six million people, who performed inconceivably inhuman acts on their victims, were not madmen, if they were not evil men (as their leader Hitler surely was), then we have to come to terms with some terrible truths: . . . we have to recognize that the capacity for evil of that magnitude lies within the people around us, within ourselves." (Against Rape, Andra Medea and Kathleen Thompson)

It is hard to sit in a room full of men knowing that the rapist is not necessarily the perverted figure hiding in dark halls. It would be so simple if he were the twisted and scarred deviant of our nightmares.

The second reason is that the very act of rape is not just an act of violence, but is a perversion taking the spiritual unity of two people as God has determined it - physically, soulishly and intimately - and dragging it through the very baseness of lust, anger, power, hatred, and fear. Radical feminists, by shaking their fists at heaven, unknowingly attest to the fact that they recognize the deeper meaning in sexual union.

"Man's structural capacity to rape and woman's corresponding structural vulnerability are as basic to the physiology of both our sexes as the primal act of sex itself. Had it not been for this accident of biology . . . " (Against Our Will: Men, Women and Rape)

The humanistic view of us, as merely evolved animals, as expressed by Brownmiller is inconsistent with the humiliation we experience at the violation of rape.

So where does that leave us? Does this mean that we must live in fear? That we must abhor relations with men, that we would even take the positive things in our nature and reject them because of their vulnerability? Women in doing so often take upon themselves the very attributes they hate in men: aggression, cruelty, selfishness, etc. We simply change roles. Just think, we (as women) could be the ones creating havoc in others' lives. Is this what we want? Don't be fooled. In using hate and revenge to retaliate against wrongs done to us, we are the biggest losers. Rape is not a fate worse than death, but a lifetime of bitterness is.

There was a man who walked this earth in perfect love and gentleness. And He was misused. He left Himself vulnerable for our sins and we crucified Him. We can take upon ourselves His attributes. Though all men and women may fail us, He never will. Trusting God does not necessarily grant us immunity from the evils that people inflict upon each other in this world. In fact, it may put us right in the battlefront, as missionaries overseas and people working in inner cities can attest to. But we have the promise that His perfect love casts out all fear. (I John 4:18)


If you have been a victim of rape, don't let an act that took a few minutes control the rest of your life. The first step in recovery, if you have not already done so, is to give your life to Jesus. He can heal the scars of rape. The next step is only possible after the first step: forgiving the offender. Only through forgiveness can you release the hold of bitterness and humiliation he inflicted on you. Perhaps it will be the hardest thing you've ever done and you might need to seek out a Christian friend or fellowship to counsel and pray with you.

If, as a man, you have been guilty of rape, you must not think you've gone too far to receive forgiveness from the Lord. Every sin, no matter how brutal or senseless, can be wiped clean through sincere repentance. Whereas it may not be appropriate in most instances to ask forgiveness from the victim, going to a mature Christian and verbally confessing can be the first step to your healing.

Our God is a God of hope. Whether we be assailant or victim, He is bigger than our past when He is the door to our future.

"My hatred toward men grew over the years. I was angry, resentful that I wasn't treated as a human being with feelings, but as an 'object of pleasure' that was to be forced into submission. This hatred was driving me toward lesbianism. When I joined the ministry one of the first things I noticed was that men were treating me as a PERSON and not a sex object. They were carrying on everyday normal conversations with me and not coming on with a rap. It's been a slow process, but the Lord has been healing me and showing me that the men who used me needed Him as badly as I did, and that the thing to hate was the sin nature that drives men to rave women, instead of the men themselves."*

My thoughts:
I read this article. Now, I know that I need to pray that I can forgive myself and also the men who treated me as less than an animal. I don't want to carry this around with me anymore. Oh, btw I got this article from www.cornerstonemag.com.

Benadryl Is My Friend

I feel:: sick

I feel crappy today. I went with Ashley to this house that her mom bought out on Lake Conway last night. The house is super cute and has a lot of potential, but it was moldy and I'm super allergic to mold. So, consequently, my face feels like someone stuffed it with cotton today. It hurts so bad. Not to mention the accompanying nausea. Blah. I took some sinus medicine which didn't really work. I can't decide what I want to do. If I want to laze around the house for the rest of the day, or I could do something useful like laundry. I really need to do some laundry. I might go somewhere, but then that would involve getting ready and makeup and whatnot. Maybe I should just sedate myself with large amounts of Benadryl and go back to bed.


Latter Days

I feel:: contemplative
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: This one.

What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be.
Lord knows we've learned the hard way about healthy apathy.
And I use these words pretty loosely.
There's so much more to life than words.
There is a me you would not recognize, dear.
Call it the shadow of myself.
And if the music starts before I get there,
dance without me.
You dance so gracefully.
I really think I'll be ok.
They've taken their toll these latter days.
Nothin' like sleepin' on a bed of nails.
Nothin' much here but our broken dreams.
Ah, but baby if all else fails,
nothin' is ever quite what it seems.
And I'm dyin' inside to leave you with more than just cliches.
There is a me you would not recognize, dear.
Call it the shadow of myself.
And if the music starts before I get there,
dance without me.
You dance so gracefully.
I really think I'll be ok.
They've taken their toll these latter days.
But tell them that it's real.
Tell them it's really real.
I just don't have much left to say.
They've taken their toll these latter days.
They've taken their toll these latter days.
_____Over the Rhine

I like this song a lot. Expresses how I feel most of the time.


Got Does NOT Change His Mind

I feel:: hungry

I thought somehow that God had changed His mind regarding my ex fiance and I, but thankfully, He did not. I tried to make it work with him, because he wanted to get back together with me so bad. He keeps saying that he's in love with me, but I think that he reaches out for me so hard because I'm the only source of normalcy and safety that he has ever known. I'm so different that any other woman he's ever known and he can't forget that. I'm glad that I had a positive impact on his life, but I told him that God was not wrong two years ago when He told me after I had fasted and prayed for a week about whether or not I should marry him, God told me a definite NO. He was devastated, understandably, and I felt like the worst person who has ever lived on the Earth. He cried, I cried. I had to tell him again yesterday the same thing that I told him two years ago. I didn't tell him, though, that now when I'm around him, my spirit feels like it's burning inside of me and all I want to do is get away from him as fast as possible. I think he would not have understood that. The fact that God had not changed His mind was made clear to me on Sunday night when I went to church with Lainie. God let me know that just because you are in love with someone, or someone is in love with you does not mean that you are supposed to marry them. God sees into the future and sees me as a finished product. I'm not sure what happened at church the other night, I'm still trying to run it through my mind. This woman called me up front of the church and started telling me things about myself. She was also prophecying over me. I'm not sure what to think about that. All of the things that she told me, I've either written down in one of my diaries or told to friends. Not that she'd ever been able to read any of my diaries or knew any of my friends....there's only two ways she could have known-God told her, or the devil did. I don't know her very well, so I don't know what kinds of fruits she does or does not have in her life. Lainie seems to trust her. I was foolish and did not test the spirits and I had some questions to ask her about why she and her husband, the other pastor and another woman from the congregation were speaking in tongues at different times during the service and there was no interpreter. That makes me extremely nervous. It's not scriptural. In fact it's a blatant disregard for scripture. I'm still praying about what happened. I know that I sound paranoid, but when it comes to spirits, I don't think that one can be too careful. And Lainie, if you read this, I'm not accusing her of anything. I know that she's a friend of yours and I don't want you to think that of me. I'm just confused and I want to sort this out and make sure that I come to the right conclusion. One that is from God and unfettered with my own opinions.
I felt like such crap yesterday after telling Paul again what I had told him two years ago. I felt all night like I was going to vomit. I was sitting in Denny's with him and I just wanted to get away. He laughed when I told him and said that I was entertaining. I kept running the scene over and over in my mind last night until I couldn't think about it anymore. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to feel nauseous now just thinking about it. I tried to call someone last night on my way home, but I couldn't get anyone. So, I came home and read until about 4am. I finally went to bed and had a very dreamless sleep. I remember Paul walking away from me yesterday and he just looked so pitiful. I guess I shouldn't think about it anymore.



I feel:: content

So, I'm back from Cornerstone. I drove straight through from Bushnell, Illinois home yesterday. It took me about 13 hours or so. It was so hard and I only had about 3 hours of sleep the night before.
Cornerstone was interesting. It was super hot the entire week. I remember a couple of days where the heat index got to 105 and 110. I'm not really a shorts person, but I was at Cornerstone, because jeans were just too much. I'm so appreciative of air conditioning right now.
I saw a bunch of bands. Here's a list of some of them:
GS Megaphone
Mitch McVicor
JPUSA Worship band
Steve Taylor
Living Sacrifice
Squad Five O
Five Iron Frenzy
Over the Rhine
Ashley Cleveland
Miranda Stone
The Crossing
Madison Greene
Sixpence None the Richer
Toby Mac
Jade Trees Weeping

There may have been others that I saw, but I can't remember them right now.
The best part for me of Cornerstone, however, was meeting Tiavi, the pastor of the First Church of the Living Dead. He was awesome. We talked for about 2 hours or so. He really encouraged me to let God heal my heart. I also made a new friend in Amy, who was one of the people camping with us. She's 17 and very awesome. We went to some seminars and shows together. She has so much potential. I just wish I could have been that clever and had my stuff together at 17, like she does.She wants to be a rock journalist and I'm sure that she will be. I also got to know Mary Byers on the way back from Cornerstone. She rode with me for several hours and we talked about everything. I discovered that we have a lot in common and we have sort of the same attitude about things. I was blessed at Cornerstone and I'm really thankful for it. It changed my life last time I went and it did this time as well.