26.7.03

Crying

I feel:: suicidal

I've never been the person I wanted to be. The person I should be. I have a serious issue with low self esteem. I have a victim mentality. I keep saying that I want people to treat me with respect and love me. But I don't respect or love myself. I sacrifice my ideals in order to gain some temporary inflated sense of self. This always leaves me feeling shitty. I could get all the degrees in the world, but if I don't fix my self esteem, I'll always be looking for approval from others, not getting it, and getting hurt because of my high expectations of people. I feel right now like everyone is my enemy. I feel like everyone is masquerading; trying to hide the evil which inevitably lies inside of them. I don't know who to trust. I can't trust myself, that much is obvious. I feel that my skin is too thin for me to operate in the world. I feel that I wasn't meant to be here. As if I were born in the wrong time. Sometimes I think that it would be better if I just stopped trying to fight and left it all here, but I don't have the courage. It seems as if everytime something or someone pierces me, I revert to self mutilation and self destruction. I cry and cry and it never helps. I try to talk to people, but I don't ever know if they really understand or if they are just saying they do to try and make me feel better. I feel really alone. I'm afraid sometimes that if I tell things to people that they will ridicule me and say things like,"You should have known better." or "That was really stupid." I'm afraid that they will say that everything, all of it, is all my fault. I'm afraid that I am all of the things that I'm afraid that I am. Those fears that push against my mind and strain to be released. They roam around in my mind and search for weaknesses. Some people seem to be better at spotting my weaknesses than others. Or maybe I'm just a walking target. Maybe I wear my emotions on my sleeve and people can read me like an open book. Maybe I'm just pathetic and not worth anyone's time. The thing is, I've always felt this way. I can't remember not feeling this way to a certain extent. Sometimes it's worse than others. Like now. I hate myself. I hate what I've become. The person I am. I hate my failures. I hate my words. I hate the way I look. I hate my life. I find momentary happiness, but it always slips from me. God.... God to me seems like some invisible asshole that I will never see and never understand. My feelings vascillate constantly on the subject of God. It seems that when I need Him He is not there. It seems that He goes out of His way to cause me pain and I hate Him for it. But I love Him at the same time. I hate this waffling. This riding the fence. When I meet people like me I can't stand them. I curse their indecision and their weakness and their neediness. I suppose those traits I hate the most are the most recognizable to me in others because they are so familiar to me. Being those things that I hate the most about myself. It seems to me that our world revolves around sex. Sex makes me uncomfortable. There are two kinds of people it seems. Those who are predators and those who are victims. I can't really get into all of that now as the thoughts have not yet congealed themselves. That was just some random thing that crossed my mind. I suppose I'll stop trying gain attention now and just shut up.

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