15.7.03

Got Does NOT Change His Mind

I feel:: hungry

I thought somehow that God had changed His mind regarding my ex fiance and I, but thankfully, He did not. I tried to make it work with him, because he wanted to get back together with me so bad. He keeps saying that he's in love with me, but I think that he reaches out for me so hard because I'm the only source of normalcy and safety that he has ever known. I'm so different that any other woman he's ever known and he can't forget that. I'm glad that I had a positive impact on his life, but I told him that God was not wrong two years ago when He told me after I had fasted and prayed for a week about whether or not I should marry him, God told me a definite NO. He was devastated, understandably, and I felt like the worst person who has ever lived on the Earth. He cried, I cried. I had to tell him again yesterday the same thing that I told him two years ago. I didn't tell him, though, that now when I'm around him, my spirit feels like it's burning inside of me and all I want to do is get away from him as fast as possible. I think he would not have understood that. The fact that God had not changed His mind was made clear to me on Sunday night when I went to church with Lainie. God let me know that just because you are in love with someone, or someone is in love with you does not mean that you are supposed to marry them. God sees into the future and sees me as a finished product. I'm not sure what happened at church the other night, I'm still trying to run it through my mind. This woman called me up front of the church and started telling me things about myself. She was also prophecying over me. I'm not sure what to think about that. All of the things that she told me, I've either written down in one of my diaries or told to friends. Not that she'd ever been able to read any of my diaries or knew any of my friends....there's only two ways she could have known-God told her, or the devil did. I don't know her very well, so I don't know what kinds of fruits she does or does not have in her life. Lainie seems to trust her. I was foolish and did not test the spirits and I had some questions to ask her about why she and her husband, the other pastor and another woman from the congregation were speaking in tongues at different times during the service and there was no interpreter. That makes me extremely nervous. It's not scriptural. In fact it's a blatant disregard for scripture. I'm still praying about what happened. I know that I sound paranoid, but when it comes to spirits, I don't think that one can be too careful. And Lainie, if you read this, I'm not accusing her of anything. I know that she's a friend of yours and I don't want you to think that of me. I'm just confused and I want to sort this out and make sure that I come to the right conclusion. One that is from God and unfettered with my own opinions.
I felt like such crap yesterday after telling Paul again what I had told him two years ago. I felt all night like I was going to vomit. I was sitting in Denny's with him and I just wanted to get away. He laughed when I told him and said that I was entertaining. I kept running the scene over and over in my mind last night until I couldn't think about it anymore. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to feel nauseous now just thinking about it. I tried to call someone last night on my way home, but I couldn't get anyone. So, I came home and read until about 4am. I finally went to bed and had a very dreamless sleep. I remember Paul walking away from me yesterday and he just looked so pitiful. I guess I shouldn't think about it anymore.

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