21.7.03

A Letter To My Dad That He Will Most Likely Never Read

I feel:: numb
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: some morbid piano thing (how fitting, right?)

Dad,
There is a part of me that loves you. There is a bigger part of me that hates you. I can't forget those things that you did to me. I guess I should just get over it because it was so long ago, but I can't because you are still cruel to me and you still punish me. Only now it's in different ways. Every time you are cruel to me, I remember those things that you said and those things that you did to me like they happened only yesterday. I relive everything and I relive all the emotions. It's like the wound has never healed and bleeds afresh with those memories.

I feel like you owe me. I think that you owe me a lot. You can't give it back to me emotionally, so I take it from you any way that I can. I realize that this is probably immature. One cannot help what one feels can they? These flashbacks are driving me crazy. I can't control my emotions. This is your fault. It is because of you that I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with men. You never respected me or cherished me, therefore, I go for men who treat me like shit. The things that you have done to me touch every part of my life. I hate you for that.

I can't seem to get my feelings straight regarding you. You go for awhile and you treat me ok and then, when I'm not expecting it, you become cruel. You are an abusive person and I want to get away from you. I feel like a terribly weak person for loving you. I feel like a sell out. I have so much pent up anger toward you. The thing is, if I didn't love you, you would not be able to hurt me as you do.

So, I suppose that I need to put up another emotional wall, don't I? I want to scream at you and rail at you and tell you all of these things to your face, but I doubt I ever will. I'll just keep it inside of me like everything else. I hate you.

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