Some Things...

I feel:: lonely
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: something by Lacuna Coil

I've been thinking about lately:

1. A person's life can be divided up into two categories: What a person will do and what a person won't do. With regards to practice of faith (whatever faith that may be), job situations, relationships, house work, whatever. I think that can apply to almost every aspect of life. I also think that the people who are the most contented with their lives are those who have thought about what they will and won't do and have made up their minds beforehand and stick to what they've decided. I think the psychological term for that is "boundaries". lol I think those kinds of people are the healthiest emotionally and mentally. I can't say that I've always been like that, but I can say that I'm going to start trying to be.

2. I've been thinking a lot about Erik. I know he reads this(he's on my friends list) and I want to talk to him about some things. I want some things out of my life and I want to know if he wants the same things, or nearly the same. I know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I know that I'm sick and tired of dating. I want someone to love me and I want that person to be Erik. I have had relationship after relationship and he's always been in the back of my mind in everyone, like a third party (let's not get kinky here lol. It's just an expression.) I have loved Erik almost since the first moment we kissed and I don't think that he knows that. I don't know if I've ever told him. I want some sort of definite answer from him about where I stand. If we are friends, then we should leave it at that and stop talking about all this love stuff. I know that friends love each other, but when he tells me that he loves me, it doesn't feel like it's just friendly, it feels romantic. If we are going to be something more than friends, then I would like to get on with it already. It's not that I'm impatient, it's just that I've loved him for like 8 years and I think it's about time for some closure one way or the other. I've given this a lot of thought over the years and I can deal with it either way. Erik, we really need to talk.

That's about all I am able to concretely communicate at the moment. I have some other things that I've been thinking about, but they are not clear thoughts right now. They are just embryonic.(sp?) I had something else in my head a minute ago, but I lost it. I guess it will come to me in a day or so. I feel so lonely right now. I'm just achy inside, like there's a hole in my heart only I can't find what to fill it with.


Merry Christmas and...stuff

I feel:: depressed

I hope everyone is having a great Christmas. I'm trying not to be depressed like I am every year. It just seems like I go out of my way to make Christmas special for people around me and most of them either don't realize it or don't give a shit. I guess I should stop putting my expectations on other people.

My bitching aside....Merry Christmas.

And thanks so much to Eddie who sent me an e-Chrismas card. That really made my day.


Celebrity Spotting

I feel:: tired

I saw Ben Moody at Pier 1 last night!

I didn't say anything to him though. I think he left right after that.
I finally got all of my Christmas shopping done yesterday. I bought another closet organizer for my bedroom closet last night at Wally World. Now, I just have to get motivated to put it together.



I feel:: cold

The end of this semester. It has been an endurance test this time. The grades are supposed to be turned in on Friday, but I don't know when they will be posted.

I'm getting better from the Shingles. I actually went out to dinner tonight and I had a peach margarita! That was so good. Ashley gave me the Christmas present that she got for me last year. I got the complete dvd set of Monty Python's Flying Circus. I can't believe she waited a year to give it to me. That's ok though.

I think I'm off to Bedfordshire.... Anyone wanna be my snugglebunny? I promise I'm not contagious anymore............*yawn*


Just Like Morton Salt

I feel:: angry

When it rains it pours. My dad is in the hospital for something having to do with his heart. I took him to the ER of The Heart Hospital yesterday. They admitted him, but I haven't gotten to speak to any doctor's. The one who was working in the ER last night and who ran the test didn't ever come by to tell us what was going on. Sometimes I hate doctors. He's going to see is cardiologist tomorrow, well actually his cardiologist is coming to the hospital to see him. So, hopefully, I'll know what's going on tomorrow.

As for me, the Shingles are getting a bit better. I'm still dizzy and feverish though. I've been all day trying to study for my Civ final. I just got through studying Chapter 11, now I get to do Chp 13. Yays. Then, I get to study my in class notes. Then, I get to write two papers for another class. I kept wondering today if there was any way that I could get out of taking finals since I am so sick, but probably not. I don't think they let you do that unless you die or somthing, in which case, I would still probably owe money. I'm so out of it that it has taken me forever to type this due to all of the mistakes I made. I seem to have gone Dyslexic all of the sudden.


An Unwelcome Encore

I feel:: cranky
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: something by Evanescence

Sooooo, ummmm I have Shingles. I went to the doctor yesterday because I've had this really painful rash on my tummy, right below my left breast. He said that I have Shingles. I was all,"What the hell is Shingles?" Well, he said that it's the same virus at chicken pox and that when you get it as a child, the virus lies dormant in your spinal column and then over the years, your immunity to it decreases and it shows up again as Shingles. It's not a rash, but the virus travels along nerve pathways and inflicts nerve damage where ever it pops up. Luckily, I caught mine early. My doctor said that he'd never seen anyone as young as me have it. He said that most people get it when they are over 60. This stuff hurts! And to top it all off, I feel like I have the flu, which the doc said is normal for someone with Shingles. He said that it takes about 2 or 3 weeks to go away completely. Great. I have finals next week and I have to study and I feel like total shit. He said stress makes it worse so I shouldn't stress out. Wtf else am I supposed to do when I can't stay up for more than a couple of hours at a time? Fucking figures. Just my shitty luck.

Also, I told my friend Ashley last night that I had this and then she asked me to ride out to Conway with her to meet her new man, so I did. On the way there, I was talking (I talk with my hands a lot) and I reached for her hand to show her something and she recoiled from me quickly saying,"Don't TOUCH ME! You have that shit!" Ummmm, that made me feel like a leper. Thanks Ash.


It's Way Too Early To Be Awake

I feel:: sleepy

I've been awake since like 5:30 and I didn't go to bed until 1:30. So, yeah, four hours of sleep and two classes today. I have to work on my paper for my 6:00pm class. Today is the last day of classes before finals. I have my Algebra final on Wednesday this week and my Spanish and Civ finals on next Tuesday and my Civ final on next Wednesday. I still have to get my Evanescence ticket for the show at Alltell. Speaking of shows, I went to see Sevendust at Nite Life last night with Erik. He gave me one of the tickets that he had. *grin* We had a good time, but we didn't see much of the actual show because we spent most of it talking in another room. We haven't seen each other for like a year, so we had a lot to talk about. I got some hugs and kisses too. I was glad to see him ( I had missed him.) and I think he was glad to see me.


12 hours of Algebra and my brain is leaking out of my ears.

I feel:: hungry
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Phil Collins~One More Night

I just spent the last almost 12 hours finishing up my algebra. I was one problem away from finishing and that was the one that hung me up. Well, I guess I'll have to wait. You know how you get a goal in your mind and if you are in the right frame of mind, you don't stop till you achieve said goal? That was me today. I don't even think I ate today. Well, I'm partially sick, so that would explain the lack of appetite. I hope it's not just me that gets so singleminded like that. lol I would hate to be alone in my obsessiveness.

I had this crazy dream the other night that I was a contortionist. I remember doing all these twisty moves in my dream and then when I woke up I felt like someone had beaten me in my sleep. My muscles were all cramped up and stuff. It was just craziness. I guess I really was trying to be a contortionist in my sleep.
That's it for now. I'm off to bed.



I feel:: annoyed

I'm trying to get everything wrapped up for the end of the semester. Why do all of the profs have all of this shit at the end of the semester? I don't understand the waiting. I'm just irritated today. At everything. People irritate me to no end sometimes. I feel like a total bitch when I get like this. I just want to tell everyone to go fuck themselves and leave me alone, but I don't because eventually, I won't feel that way and I'll want to have people around me.

Thanksgiving was ok. I ate at my aunt Lizzy's house. My cousin Matthew made Pumpkin Cheescake, but I didn't get to have any because they left and they took the cheesecake with them.

I got a new coat the other day from Burlington Coat Factory and I bought this black faux fur throw for my bed. It's super warm and cozy. My coat is ankle lenth suede, lined with wool and hooded. It's got this white faux fur stuff on the end of the sleeves, around the edge of the hood and down the front. It's pretty cool looking. I like it and I know that it will be warm.

This week is the last full week of classes and the last day of classes is next Tuesday, then finals week begins. I have to get everything done before the end of this week. It looks like I'll be doing a lot this weekend. Well, after that, I'll have a month off. Yay.