30.12.03

Some Things...

I feel:: lonely
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: something by Lacuna Coil

I've been thinking about lately:

1. A person's life can be divided up into two categories: What a person will do and what a person won't do. With regards to practice of faith (whatever faith that may be), job situations, relationships, house work, whatever. I think that can apply to almost every aspect of life. I also think that the people who are the most contented with their lives are those who have thought about what they will and won't do and have made up their minds beforehand and stick to what they've decided. I think the psychological term for that is "boundaries". lol I think those kinds of people are the healthiest emotionally and mentally. I can't say that I've always been like that, but I can say that I'm going to start trying to be.

2. I've been thinking a lot about Erik. I know he reads this(he's on my friends list) and I want to talk to him about some things. I want some things out of my life and I want to know if he wants the same things, or nearly the same. I know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I know that I'm sick and tired of dating. I want someone to love me and I want that person to be Erik. I have had relationship after relationship and he's always been in the back of my mind in everyone, like a third party (let's not get kinky here lol. It's just an expression.) I have loved Erik almost since the first moment we kissed and I don't think that he knows that. I don't know if I've ever told him. I want some sort of definite answer from him about where I stand. If we are friends, then we should leave it at that and stop talking about all this love stuff. I know that friends love each other, but when he tells me that he loves me, it doesn't feel like it's just friendly, it feels romantic. If we are going to be something more than friends, then I would like to get on with it already. It's not that I'm impatient, it's just that I've loved him for like 8 years and I think it's about time for some closure one way or the other. I've given this a lot of thought over the years and I can deal with it either way. Erik, we really need to talk.

That's about all I am able to concretely communicate at the moment. I have some other things that I've been thinking about, but they are not clear thoughts right now. They are just embryonic.(sp?) I had something else in my head a minute ago, but I lost it. I guess it will come to me in a day or so. I feel so lonely right now. I'm just achy inside, like there's a hole in my heart only I can't find what to fill it with.

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