I Feel Like Crap

I feel:: sick

I'm sick finally. I have been trying for weeks to ward off a stupid sinus infection with my herbal supplements and have halfway succeeded, but my body gave in yesterday. I suppose all that crying I did yesterday didn't help it at all. My head aches and my throat is sore and I'm dizzy.

I talked to Dan last night about my friend. He was all,"Are you crying?" I was like,"I've been crying all day." He said that the reason she didn't come to me in the first place when she was doing that stuff was that she really didn't want to quit. I don't understand that. He said that it was the addiction talking. I told him that I can't wrap my mind around that because it makes no sense. She went to another person and got off of the shit, so she obviously wanted to quit. I think he was kind of talking out of his ass, because he called me from a bar.(He had gone out with his friend Frank.) I think he'd had a few. He was genuinely concerned though. He offered to come over if it would make me feel better and I told him not too. I'm not fit to be around anyone when I'm like that. I'm just weepy and depressed and I couldn't stop crying yesterday. I ate and ate and ate. I pigged out on chocolate and popcorn. I had the chocolate because I had bought it as Valentine's Day gifts for my friends,but now, I'm going to have to go and get some more, because I ate it all. What I really wanted though was some Haagen Daaz Dulche de Leche ice cream, but I was too depressed to leave the house.

I said something unfair about my mother in my last post. I want to say that I never doubted that my mother loved me. She was really messed up for a long time, but she's better now.

I still want that ice cream. Dammit, I hate the fact that I eat when I'm depressed.

I'm supposed to go with Dan tonight to Celebrate Recovery, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it. Not if I feel like this later on tonight. He is really looking forward to going. This is like the third week in a row that we've planned to go. The last two weeks we didn't go because something happened.

I'm skipping classes today. I figure Friday would be a good day to skip anyway because instead of four classes, I have three. My comp class only meets on Monday and Wednesday. So, I'm missing Fine Arts, Algebra(which I can do on my computer since it is a web based class), and Spanish. I don't think it will hurt me much considering this is my first absence.

It's really cold in here. I think I'm going to go back to bed.


Slipping Into The Abyss

I feel:: crushed
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: a song by Sixpence None The Richer

I found out last night that a good friend of mine has been doing cocaine cut with crystal since September. She said that she did it for four months and has been clean for the last month. She told me in a drunken stupor. She was crying and saying how worthless she was and how ashamed she was of herself. I couldn't help but think of my mother. She used to do those things. She would screw up and then come and tell me through tears and a haze of alcohol. She said that she was afraid to come to me and tell me that she was having a problem because she was afraid that I would judge her and turn her away. That cut me to the quick. I admit that I make mistakes and occasionally get exasperated with people, but I've never thought of myself as being judgemental. The fact that she said she was afraid to come to me made me think that I'm extremely selfish. What kind of friend am I if my friends are afraid to come to me when they are in serious trouble? She is slowly sinking into an abyss of alcohol. Everytime I see her she's worse off than the time before. Now, she has a new boyfriend and he's an even worse alcoholic than she is and she says that she loves him. She said that she loves him for the things that he has done for her. She said that he buys her cigarrettes when she has no money. He helped her get off of cocaine. That's all well and good and I'm glad that he does things for her, but if she loves him just for the things that he does for her, when he stops doing things for her, will she still love him? I guess I can't expect her to think rationally with as much alcohol as she has been consuming. What is distressing to me is that I can see her slipping farther and farther down and I can't do anything about it. I've tried to help her before and gotten my hand bitten in the process. She actually had me convinced at one time that she wanted to have a relationship with God, that she wanted to change her life, that she wanted to move forward and forget all of the pain and frenzied grabbing for happiness. She had me convinced that all she wanted to do was to live right before God. I think that that was just a momentary blip on the slippery downward slope of her life. I know that she's unhappy, but she doesn't know it. I feel so helpless. I can pray for her. I just have to put her in God's hands. I absolutely ache for her. I wish that she wasn't so caught up in the world. I wish that she didn't hurt so much. I wish that she didn't cause herself so much pain. I want to take her in my arms as I would a child and hold her until the tears stop and she feels safe. I guess that's not my place though. I will leave that to God.

May He watch over her and protect her from the world and from herself. May He send His Holy Spirit to convict her and bring her to Himself. May she desire only Him. May the Holy Spirit open her eyes so that she can see that the world has nothing to offer her. May God heal her heart and break all of the soul ties she has formed of her own accord. May God forgive her for her turning away. Have mercy on her Father, she is the lost sheep. She stands on the cleft of the craggy cliff and screams for You. Rescue her Father, according to Your lovingkindness, and wrap her in Your arms. Dry her tears and show her that she is safe in the warm light of Your love. I ask these things in Jesus' name. Amen.


When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.

I feel:: scared
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: no music-I'm listening to my cats purring.

I'm currently freaked out because I had these really bad dreams. Two right in a row. The first one I had last night. I got kidnapped by this old crone of a woman who tied me in this nasty urine soaked bed and drugged me intraveneously and then proceeded to direct my gang rape. This went on for several days. Then she kept me on as a prostitute in her brothel by keeping me addicted to whatever drug she had given me and by telling me the most insidious lies. She got another girl and was going to do the same thing to her as she did to me and I was supposed to be in charge of drugging her and directing the gang rape. I faked giving her the drug. I remember praying to God at this point in my dream to get me out of that mess and He did. I can't remember just how, but the syringe with the drug in it got injected into one of the nameless, faceless gang rape men. He promptly hit the floor unconscious. I grabbed hold of her and the last thing I remember before I woke up, we were running down some stairs in a decrepit old building.
The second dream I had was today. I was trying to do my Algebra homework and I got really frustrated, so I thought that I would step away from it for awhile and regroup my thoughts. While regrouping, I fell asleep. I dreamed that I was in a house. I don't remember if it was mine or not. Dan was there and another girl was there. She was someone that we both know and she had long, dark hair. We were just talking in the living room and I had to go to the kitchen for something. When I came back, there were a group of nameless, faceless men in the living room and they had raped this girl and beaten her bloody. She had blood all over her. There was just so much of it. I went over to her and held her in my arms and she kept repeating to me,"You said you'd only be gone ten minutes." She said that over and over again. Then she died in my arms. I woke up from this dream hyperventilating and my face was wet with tears.
These dreams really disturb me. What really disturbs me is that sometimes, my dreams come true. But I never know which ones come true. I remembered on Sunday evening when I went to watch the Super Bowl with Dan at one of his father's friend's houses that I had dreamed that whole evening several years ago. The dream was a little differe nt colorwise, but all of the actions took place. There have also been other times when I realize in the moment of something happening that I've dreamt it. It's the eeriest feeling.
So I've been wigged out pretty much all day. I'm starting to feel better, but now I don't want to go to sleep again. I don't want to have any more dreams like that. I'm going to have to pray for God to protect my mind as I sleep.

I had sort of an epiphany at church on Sunday. I realized the reason that I always cry when I feel the Holy Spirit really strongly. I don't feel worthy to be in the presence of God. I don't feel worthy of His love. I can't believe that He would want to have a relationship with me. I feel extremely dirty. I feel as though I should fall on my face because I'm not worthy to do anything but kiss the floor. I realize that this is symptomatic of a low self-esteem. I realized Sunday that this might be a spiritual attack. There are certain, shall we say,..... personalities...... that don't like it at all when the saints praise and worship God. I find it significant that this only happens to me when I praise and worship God. I realized that I'm going to have to start praying warfare prayers before I go to church and before I praise and worship God at home.

I met Dan's father and stepmother at church on Sunday. The were a great deal nicer than his mother and stepfather.

I didn't buy the guitar that I thought I was going to buy. I bought an Ovation, but it's not blonde. It's mohagony colored. It's dark, almost like blood colored. It doesn't have the standard sound hole in the middle, but it has custom leaf inlays around the top of the body and the sound holes are cut into them. The way the sound holes are placed gives it a richer, more mellow sound than the other. It still sounds sweet. Sweet and mellow. I love it. I've been practicing on it. I learned all of the major chords yesterday. I practiced for about an hour and a half. I practiced today for about the same amount of time. My fingertips are so tender. I love it though. Dan is really excited that I bought a guitar. He's been telling everyone he knows that his g/f bought a guitar. I'm hoping to be able to play with some skill in about 6 months or so. I plan to practice every day. Hopefully, by this time next year, I'll be able to play in public.


I Don't Want To Go To Class Today!

I feel:: aggravated

It's too freakin' early and I have 4 classes to go to today. (Sigh) I want to get back into bed and snuggle down in the covers and go back to sleep.


Forget this life, come with me, don't look back you're safe now.

I feel:: content
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: something by Evanescence

Well, it's about 2am and I'm still awake. I ATE SO MUCH AT DINNER THAT I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. I'm still full and I ate at like 9:30. I'm still crashing from all of the sugar that I ate. Dinner was wonderful though. Ceasar Salad, Shrimp and Artichoke Dip served with toasted Italian Bread, Chicken Canneloni, and Chocolate Cake with warm Chocolate Ganache on top with cream on the side and Dulche de Leche ice cream. Thank God I don't eat like that all the time. I would never be able to fit into my clothes.

Dan and I were supposed to go to this thing at Fellowhip Bible Church tonight called Celebrate Recovery, but he had to work late tonight. He didn't leave work until 11:00pm and he has to be back at work in the morning at 6:50am. He went to work originally this morning at 6:50am. I admit, I was disappointed at not being able to see him, but all this overtime will give him some money to put down on an apartment. God is looking out for him very definitely.

I went to see Confessions of a Dangerous Mind tonight with Sally. It was really different. It makes me wonder if that man was really a CIA agent or if he was schizophrenic and created that whole world. I'm going to have to get the book and read it. It was really interesting.

I'm still trying to read Romans Chp 1. I wrote down some scripture references referring to that chapter and I'm still praying about it. The Holy Spirit keeps bringing to my mind the one verse that says: "I am not ashamed of the gospel, becasue it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew and then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written,'The righteous shall live by faith.'" (1:16-17)

I think that the Holy Spirit is leading me to something, but I'm not sure what it is right now. I'll have to keep praying about it. I think I'm going to move on to the 2nd chp of Romans now and see what the Holy Spirit teaches me about that in connection with the first chapter.

I'm trying to change my relationship with God from one where I do things to try to make Him love me more to one where I know that He loves me no matter what I do or don't do. I realize that God never changes and that He loves me just the same no matter what I do, it is only in my mind that there is a difference. The battle is in the mind, is it not? If you can control the mind, you can control the actions and therefore control the person. I am working on surrendering my mind to God in order to let Him lead me in everything. I am to impatient and don't want to wait on God. I want to do things my way. I guess I think my way is better than God's way. Wrong. Wow, I'm pretty arrogant to think that. Well, at least now I know what to pray about for myself.

I'm buying an Ovation electric/acoustic guitar tomorrow. I'm going to name her and I need some suggestions. She is blonde with a black circle around her middle with little delicate white designs on the black circle. She has a high, but mellow sweet sound. I'm so exited, I can't wait to get her home. ( I realize that I'm giving anthropomorphic qualities to a guitar, but that is the feeling I get when I hold it and play it. Maybe I'm crazy.)

Oh...... I miss Dan. I hope he gets to come over tomorrow. I know that I'm being all cheesy and chick-flicky, but I can't help it. (whine).


Ask And You Shall Receive

I feel:: loved
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: a song from the Bladerunner soundtrack

Dan's psycho mom and step-dad have graciously (note sarcasm)allowed him to stay there with them for another 3 to 4 weeks so that he can have time to save some money to get his own place. I told him that I would help him and I have been combing the classifieds looking.

He took me to dinner last night and we talked for a LONG time. Like two hours at the restaurant. We almost got in a heated argument over something that is kind of a doctrinal issue. We disagreed and I capitulated and said that I didn't want to have an argument over semantics. We both have the same birthday and that means that we both are very opinionated and very stubborn, so in order to keep the peace, I backed off and told him that it was not necessary that we agree about everything. But I still think he's wrong. He came over to my place after dinner and we cuddled on my sofa and stuff. MMMMMMMM that was nice. He makes me giggle a lot. Like I'm 13 or something. He says that he likes to hear me laugh. I think that's cool. I don't think that I laugh enough. He said that saddest thing while he was here last night. He said that he thought that he wasn't a good enough person for me and that surely there was a better man out there for me. He also asked me if I was willing to deal with all of the emotional scar tissue that he has developed over the years of bad relationships. At first I didn't know what to say. I told him that I have just as much, if not more, emotional scars as he does and that he would have to deal with mine as well if he wanted to continue to be with me. I asked him why he thought that he wasn't good enough for me. If it was something I was doing that was making him feel that way. He said that I wasn't doing anything to make him feel that way, that he just did. I didn't know what to say. Although, now that I think about it, I think that it's a symptom of low self-esteem. He said that things have been so peaceful between us that he was kind of waiting for the bottom to drop out or for him to do something to mess everything up. I told him that I was trying really hard to be completely honest with him about everything. I sometimes have a problem with saying what I'm thinking at the time that I'm thinking it. I am trying my best to break that habit. He is so honest with me about everything and I think that he deserves just as much honesty from me. I told him that and I told him that I respected him for being so honest with me. No one I've dated has ever been that way with me.

I watched Leaving Las Vegas for the first time last night. OMG was that movie depressing. I so could NOT watch some of the scenes. I was really sad when it was over. I read chapter 1 of Romans after the movie was over and I tried to pray about it so that I could maybe glean something from it. I guess I was too tired. I kept thinking about that scripture that says that God's Word never returns void and that it always accomplishes it's purpose. So I told God that He would have to write that scripture on my heart and that I would read it again today so that maybe the Holy Spirit could teach me when I wasn't so tired.

I'm feeling all mushy and lovey dovey now. I wish Dan was here.

Song of Songs 5:10-16
"My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the water streams washed in milk, mounted like jewels. His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh. His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars. His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem."

Song of Songs 8:6-7
"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy as unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned."

One last thought. I told God several months ago that I wanted a relationship with someone that could be Godly and one that I could work on in equal terms with the person I was with. It looks like God answered my prayer. I'm thankful.


I'm Worried

I feel:: lonely

My new boyfriend, Dan, is getting kicked out of his house this week. Granted, he's been there too long anyway, but it's kind of shitty to just kick him out like that. He has to find a new place to live by the end of the week. His mother actually had the nerve to tell him that his stepfather, her husband, beats her because of the things Dan does. She's insane. Not to mention highly dysfunctional. He called me today understandably depressed and I tried to be supportive. I told him that things would definitley be better once he had his own place and didn't have to depend on his pychotic mother and wife-beating stepfather for a place to live. He said that life sucks and that he was waiting for it to get better. I told him that his life won't get better until he makes it better. I told him that he has some hard decisions to make about who he will continue to allow to be in his life. I obviously can't tell him how to live his life or anything. I told him that I thought that you could forgive someone and love someone(those things are scriptural), but just because you love and forgive someone doesn't mean that you continue to be their floormat. That doesn't mean that you continue to allow them to abuse you. That doesn't mean that you continue to play the victim. It's always so much easier to play the victim, that way you don't have to take responsibility for anything, because as the victim, nothing is ever your fault. You can, as the victim, always blame someone else when your life goes in the toilet. I also told him that his mother was placing conditions on her love for him, which is a control mechanism. "I'll love you again/accept you again if you do/don't do....." But the thing about that is that when you do/don't do whatever is wanted then there is always another condition after that. You can never be good enough for someone like that because they are always trying to fix you. Trying to change you into something that they want you to be, but something that you are not. He said that I was right and that he realized that he needed to stop living his life mainly as a reaction to the things around him. I had this incredible urge to lend him the money that he needed to get out of his situation, but I kept my mouth shut and thought about it and here's what I thought: 1. If I loaned him the money, that would be a co-dependent action. I would eventually expect something from him in return for loaning him the money. 2. I don't think that he would feel very much like a self sufficient man if his new girlfriend rushed and and tried to play super hero. That would intimate that I think there is something wrong with him. That he can't take care of himself. I don't want him to think that he needs to be fixed. So, I didn't mention anything about my loaning him any money. I did tell him; however, that I would help him look for another place to live and help him move. I also told him that I would seriously pray for him. I keep thinking that this might be the push he needed to finally get away from his psychotic family. I am trying not to be his therapist in this. I have a tendency to switch to "counselor mode" in a crisis. I want to be his support and all, but I also want to be his girlfriend. I'm lonely for him right now and I wish he was here to put his arms around me and kiss me. I want to sit with him on the sofa and give him a shoulder rub, because I know how sore his neck gets from his job. I want to run my fingers through his hair, because I know that he likes that and that it makes him feel calm.


Random Thoughts

I feel:: contemplative
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Alanis Morissette~Utopia

So, I had this weird dream last night. It was me and Sally, and someone else I couldn't see. We were traveling across country, walking. We had stopped to sleep in a little closet in a grocery store(?). No one knew that we were sleeping there. I can remember walking around inside the store with a buggy. So, we decided to go out of the store and walk around. When we got outside, everything changed and the time period was 18th century. I can remember that we were walking down kind of a Main Street and seeing ladies and gentlemen dressed in that sort of clothing. I can also remember seeing horse drawn buggies. We walked down the street and came upon a field with a huge wooden boat in the middle of it. It kind of looked like a Viking ship, but there was a horse tethered to it. I unhooked the horse, got on and rode it into the barn(which is funny b/c I've never ridden a horse in my life). When I got into the barn, a bunch of alarms started going off and we got scared and started to run(electrical alarms in the 18th century?). I remember from looking at the house, that I thought the people who lived there must be Dutch, but when the man came running after us, he had dark curly hair and looked like he might be Hispanic. He was lighting fires all over his field, but they were in certain shapes. Some were in the shape of a pentagram and others were in the shape of a star an still others were in the shape of a heart. That's all I remember, because after that I woke up.

What is it exactly about humans that is made in the image of God? Is it the fact that we know good from evil? We weren't designed to. Only God is allowed to know good from evil and be eternal. Angels do not choose, they don't have that privilege. Sometimes I wish I didn't have that privilege. I could just do the will of God and I wouldn't know anything else. If God created everything, then He created everything about us. That would mean that He created the good as well as the evil. Satan is not the opposite of God, but His creation. The devil cannot MAKE me do anything, but I justify and rationalize my own actions or inaction. The devil merely takes advantage of my rationalizations. As a creation of God, Satan is on a heavenly leash. He goes no further than what God allows. God evidently allows a lot.
God says in His Word that I, since I have put my faith in Jesus, that I am seated with Him in the heavenly places. So that would mean that the devil and his demons are subject to me in the name of Christ. I am also free, every moment of every day, to choose whether or not I will serve my fleshly nature which I inherited from Adam at the Fall. Christ set me free from sin with His sacrifice on the cross. Unfortunately, my flesh still hampers me. Does it indicate a lack of maturity and faith when I give in to my flesh? For that matter, what kinds of spiritual doorways do I open when I give in? Is it just the one time of sin, or does it have to be habitual to cause bondage? The scripture says to him who knows what is right and yet does not do it, to him it is sin. So, I'm back to my original statement. The devil cannot MAKE me sin, but I justify my actions or inaction when I do sin. I sin because I have a fleshly nature. I can rationalize practically any action or inaction. So, I should keep it simple. What is good is what the Lord commands and what is evil is what He forbids. I need to grow in grace, thank God that He is merciful. I need more faith. Can you get more faith? Like you get more groceries? Was I born with a certain amount of faith and that's all I'll ever have?

Peter only denied Christ 3 times. How many times a day do I deny Christ either by what I say or don't say? Do or don't do? How many people would know of my faith if I never told them? What actions of mine distinguish me from the world? Jesus said that we must be in the world, but not of the world. I have a severe problem with not being worldly. Jesus asked Peter 3 times if he loved Him for the three times he denied Christ. How many times will Jesus ask me if I truly love Him? What will I say when I finally face Christ and He asks me why I couldn't give up everything and follow Him? It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Jesus said friendship with the world is enmity toward God. A person cannot have two masters. When I present myself as a slave to my flesh, I show that I am an enemy of God. When I am wallowing in the world, I show myself to be an enemy of God. If I truly loved God, I would not be this way. Does fresh water flow from a bitter spring? Do figs grow on thistle bushes? No they do not. I am double-minded and should not think that I will receive anything from God being as I am in this state.

1 Corinthians 1:20-25
"Where is the wise Man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know Him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of god. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."

1 Corinthians 10:12-13
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

1 Corinthians 10: 23-33
"'Everything is permissible'-but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible'-but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others."
"Eat anything sold in the market without raising questions of conscience, for, 'The earth is the Lord's and everything in it.'"

"If some unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you without raising questions of conscience. But if anyone says to you,'This has been offered in sacrifice,' then do not eat it, both for the sake of the man who told you and for conscience' sake-the other man's conscience, I mean, not yours. For why should my freedom be judged by another's conscience? If I take part in the meal with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of something I thank God for?"
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews or Greeks or the church of God-even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved."

Colossians 1:9-14
"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."


I feel:: content
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: something by Evanescence

Well, this is my first entry in my new journal.

I have met someone special. We have spent a lot of time together this week and it has simply flown by. All of my relationships start out extremely intense though and then cool off after awhile. Interestingly, I met his mother last night in the most mortifying of circumstances. We were making out(all clothes were ON mind you), and his mother walks in and flips on the light. Embarrassed does not even describe what I was. She was blind stinking drunk and they proceeded to have a very nasty fight in which she brought up a lot of things from his past and tried to make him look bad in front of me. I felt like I was in high school or something. That was so weird. I can't believe that she did that. He SO needs to get his own place. He is trying to get his life back together after his divorce and I understand that he needs to live at home for awhile while he saves money and stuff. I mean, my dad is supporting me while I'm in college and I think that I am way to old to be living at home. All of that aside, I rhink that he's very special and we had a serious discussion last night about where we wanted to be with God and how we wanted our relationship to be Godly wherever it goes. I mentioned to him that our actions haven't been very Godly since we've met,granted it's only been a week, but I wanted to start out on the right foot because it's very important to me that God be glorified in whatever I do. He said that he was thinking the exact same thing. That was cool and it made it a lot easier for me to talk about with him after he said that. Always before in my other relationships, when I mentioned God and behaving in a Godly manner, my relationships were over. For some reason the guy would think that I was telling him that I didn't want to be with him at all just because I wanted to have a non-physical relationship. I mean, I guess I understand that mentality, but that was never it. It was always about God. It's always been all about God.