21.1.03

I'm Worried

I feel:: lonely

My new boyfriend, Dan, is getting kicked out of his house this week. Granted, he's been there too long anyway, but it's kind of shitty to just kick him out like that. He has to find a new place to live by the end of the week. His mother actually had the nerve to tell him that his stepfather, her husband, beats her because of the things Dan does. She's insane. Not to mention highly dysfunctional. He called me today understandably depressed and I tried to be supportive. I told him that things would definitley be better once he had his own place and didn't have to depend on his pychotic mother and wife-beating stepfather for a place to live. He said that life sucks and that he was waiting for it to get better. I told him that his life won't get better until he makes it better. I told him that he has some hard decisions to make about who he will continue to allow to be in his life. I obviously can't tell him how to live his life or anything. I told him that I thought that you could forgive someone and love someone(those things are scriptural), but just because you love and forgive someone doesn't mean that you continue to be their floormat. That doesn't mean that you continue to allow them to abuse you. That doesn't mean that you continue to play the victim. It's always so much easier to play the victim, that way you don't have to take responsibility for anything, because as the victim, nothing is ever your fault. You can, as the victim, always blame someone else when your life goes in the toilet. I also told him that his mother was placing conditions on her love for him, which is a control mechanism. "I'll love you again/accept you again if you do/don't do....." But the thing about that is that when you do/don't do whatever is wanted then there is always another condition after that. You can never be good enough for someone like that because they are always trying to fix you. Trying to change you into something that they want you to be, but something that you are not. He said that I was right and that he realized that he needed to stop living his life mainly as a reaction to the things around him. I had this incredible urge to lend him the money that he needed to get out of his situation, but I kept my mouth shut and thought about it and here's what I thought: 1. If I loaned him the money, that would be a co-dependent action. I would eventually expect something from him in return for loaning him the money. 2. I don't think that he would feel very much like a self sufficient man if his new girlfriend rushed and and tried to play super hero. That would intimate that I think there is something wrong with him. That he can't take care of himself. I don't want him to think that he needs to be fixed. So, I didn't mention anything about my loaning him any money. I did tell him; however, that I would help him look for another place to live and help him move. I also told him that I would seriously pray for him. I keep thinking that this might be the push he needed to finally get away from his psychotic family. I am trying not to be his therapist in this. I have a tendency to switch to "counselor mode" in a crisis. I want to be his support and all, but I also want to be his girlfriend. I'm lonely for him right now and I wish he was here to put his arms around me and kiss me. I want to sit with him on the sofa and give him a shoulder rub, because I know how sore his neck gets from his job. I want to run my fingers through his hair, because I know that he likes that and that it makes him feel calm.

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