30.1.03

Slipping Into The Abyss

I feel:: crushed
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: a song by Sixpence None The Richer

I found out last night that a good friend of mine has been doing cocaine cut with crystal since September. She said that she did it for four months and has been clean for the last month. She told me in a drunken stupor. She was crying and saying how worthless she was and how ashamed she was of herself. I couldn't help but think of my mother. She used to do those things. She would screw up and then come and tell me through tears and a haze of alcohol. She said that she was afraid to come to me and tell me that she was having a problem because she was afraid that I would judge her and turn her away. That cut me to the quick. I admit that I make mistakes and occasionally get exasperated with people, but I've never thought of myself as being judgemental. The fact that she said she was afraid to come to me made me think that I'm extremely selfish. What kind of friend am I if my friends are afraid to come to me when they are in serious trouble? She is slowly sinking into an abyss of alcohol. Everytime I see her she's worse off than the time before. Now, she has a new boyfriend and he's an even worse alcoholic than she is and she says that she loves him. She said that she loves him for the things that he has done for her. She said that he buys her cigarrettes when she has no money. He helped her get off of cocaine. That's all well and good and I'm glad that he does things for her, but if she loves him just for the things that he does for her, when he stops doing things for her, will she still love him? I guess I can't expect her to think rationally with as much alcohol as she has been consuming. What is distressing to me is that I can see her slipping farther and farther down and I can't do anything about it. I've tried to help her before and gotten my hand bitten in the process. She actually had me convinced at one time that she wanted to have a relationship with God, that she wanted to change her life, that she wanted to move forward and forget all of the pain and frenzied grabbing for happiness. She had me convinced that all she wanted to do was to live right before God. I think that that was just a momentary blip on the slippery downward slope of her life. I know that she's unhappy, but she doesn't know it. I feel so helpless. I can pray for her. I just have to put her in God's hands. I absolutely ache for her. I wish that she wasn't so caught up in the world. I wish that she didn't hurt so much. I wish that she didn't cause herself so much pain. I want to take her in my arms as I would a child and hold her until the tears stop and she feels safe. I guess that's not my place though. I will leave that to God.

May He watch over her and protect her from the world and from herself. May He send His Holy Spirit to convict her and bring her to Himself. May she desire only Him. May the Holy Spirit open her eyes so that she can see that the world has nothing to offer her. May God heal her heart and break all of the soul ties she has formed of her own accord. May God forgive her for her turning away. Have mercy on her Father, she is the lost sheep. She stands on the cleft of the craggy cliff and screams for You. Rescue her Father, according to Your lovingkindness, and wrap her in Your arms. Dry her tears and show her that she is safe in the warm light of Your love. I ask these things in Jesus' name. Amen.

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