29.1.03

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.

I feel:: scared
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: no music-I'm listening to my cats purring.

I'm currently freaked out because I had these really bad dreams. Two right in a row. The first one I had last night. I got kidnapped by this old crone of a woman who tied me in this nasty urine soaked bed and drugged me intraveneously and then proceeded to direct my gang rape. This went on for several days. Then she kept me on as a prostitute in her brothel by keeping me addicted to whatever drug she had given me and by telling me the most insidious lies. She got another girl and was going to do the same thing to her as she did to me and I was supposed to be in charge of drugging her and directing the gang rape. I faked giving her the drug. I remember praying to God at this point in my dream to get me out of that mess and He did. I can't remember just how, but the syringe with the drug in it got injected into one of the nameless, faceless gang rape men. He promptly hit the floor unconscious. I grabbed hold of her and the last thing I remember before I woke up, we were running down some stairs in a decrepit old building.
The second dream I had was today. I was trying to do my Algebra homework and I got really frustrated, so I thought that I would step away from it for awhile and regroup my thoughts. While regrouping, I fell asleep. I dreamed that I was in a house. I don't remember if it was mine or not. Dan was there and another girl was there. She was someone that we both know and she had long, dark hair. We were just talking in the living room and I had to go to the kitchen for something. When I came back, there were a group of nameless, faceless men in the living room and they had raped this girl and beaten her bloody. She had blood all over her. There was just so much of it. I went over to her and held her in my arms and she kept repeating to me,"You said you'd only be gone ten minutes." She said that over and over again. Then she died in my arms. I woke up from this dream hyperventilating and my face was wet with tears.
These dreams really disturb me. What really disturbs me is that sometimes, my dreams come true. But I never know which ones come true. I remembered on Sunday evening when I went to watch the Super Bowl with Dan at one of his father's friend's houses that I had dreamed that whole evening several years ago. The dream was a little differe nt colorwise, but all of the actions took place. There have also been other times when I realize in the moment of something happening that I've dreamt it. It's the eeriest feeling.
So I've been wigged out pretty much all day. I'm starting to feel better, but now I don't want to go to sleep again. I don't want to have any more dreams like that. I'm going to have to pray for God to protect my mind as I sleep.

I had sort of an epiphany at church on Sunday. I realized the reason that I always cry when I feel the Holy Spirit really strongly. I don't feel worthy to be in the presence of God. I don't feel worthy of His love. I can't believe that He would want to have a relationship with me. I feel extremely dirty. I feel as though I should fall on my face because I'm not worthy to do anything but kiss the floor. I realize that this is symptomatic of a low self-esteem. I realized Sunday that this might be a spiritual attack. There are certain, shall we say,..... personalities...... that don't like it at all when the saints praise and worship God. I find it significant that this only happens to me when I praise and worship God. I realized that I'm going to have to start praying warfare prayers before I go to church and before I praise and worship God at home.

I met Dan's father and stepmother at church on Sunday. The were a great deal nicer than his mother and stepfather.

I didn't buy the guitar that I thought I was going to buy. I bought an Ovation, but it's not blonde. It's mohagony colored. It's dark, almost like blood colored. It doesn't have the standard sound hole in the middle, but it has custom leaf inlays around the top of the body and the sound holes are cut into them. The way the sound holes are placed gives it a richer, more mellow sound than the other. It still sounds sweet. Sweet and mellow. I love it. I've been practicing on it. I learned all of the major chords yesterday. I practiced for about an hour and a half. I practiced today for about the same amount of time. My fingertips are so tender. I love it though. Dan is really excited that I bought a guitar. He's been telling everyone he knows that his g/f bought a guitar. I'm hoping to be able to play with some skill in about 6 months or so. I plan to practice every day. Hopefully, by this time next year, I'll be able to play in public.

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