11.3.08

Sometimes I Can See So Clearly




And other times it's a crapshoot.

I had an astounding moment of clarity the other night right before I fell asleep. This is usually the time my mind is the clearest, although lately it hasn't been because of all the stress in my life. Anyway, I was able to make a mental list of things I'm thankful for despite the fact that my life sucks right now. Here are some of them:

I am thankful for my depression because it makes me relish even more the times when I'm not depressed.
I'm thankful for my anxiety because it makes me realize what life can be like without it.
I'm thankful for Lainie being here for three agonizing months, because when she finally leaves, I'll be more grateful for my time alone. I've also learned a little bit about emotional blackmail from her and I'm learning how to stand up for myself in the face of it.
I'm thankful for my parents and how awful they treated me because now I now what not to do with my kids if I ever have any.
I'm thankful for the times I cry because if I couldn't I really would go crazy.
I'm thankful for being jobless because it makes me more thankful for a job when I do have one and makes me act more sensibly with my money.
I'm thankful for being overweight because now I know what it feels like to be fat.
I'm thankful for my past drug and alcohol abuse because it helps me to live sober when I remember how pitiful I was.

I guess I missed making my "thankful list" in November. I think that's kind of corny anyway that people only take the time one day a year to be thankful for things they have (and don't have). That gets on my nerves, but maybe I'm being too judmental. That's part of the reason I hate the holidays. It's all the "let's all be thankful and remember God" just for that time of the year and at no other time. I think it's hypocritical.

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