Hope

I haven't been inspired to write much lately. Tonight, though, I'm feeling kind of melancholy. I'm not really depressed, just a little down. I'm missing the Sold Out clan. I know they don't miss me, though. That's what hurts me a little. The pain is not as bad as it used to be, so I guess I'm still in the process of letting go of them. It's about time. It's been 13 years since we all separated. I'm finding that I have a habit of holding on really tightly to people that I love. I'm having to learn to let go of those people because nothing ever stays the same. Every one changes. Feelings change; circumstances change. Besides, even though every one wants to be loved sometime in their lives, they should be able to feel free enough in that love to be able to go and do their own thing and come back if they want to or to not come back. It's hard for me, though, because I never really felt loved so when I feel that someone loves me, I hold them in my heart forever. Sometimes, the type of love I have changes (again the changing), but I've found something out about myself: once I decide that I love someone, I will always love them in some way. There are some people that I love (like the Sold Out crew) that I've decided to keep out of my life because it's just better for me. I have to love them from a long distance away. I could easily put myself in sort of a martyr situation here (and I've done that before), but I'm trying really hard not to now.

I know I keep going on about the Sold Out people, but this is something that has been so hard for me: to accept the fact that they once loved me and now don't. Maybe they feel like I do about them. Maybe they feel like they are better off without me in their lives. Maybe they feel healthier. I don't recall being a drama queen with them or taking advantage of any of them, but that could be the case. Maybe it's just that we've all slipped away from each other and don't really care enough to keep in contact with each other. I'd like to think that I'm not so lazy as to not even keep in touch with people I say that I love. But, I did try to keep with them for a long time when they were not trying to keep in touch with me. It was a totally one-sided relationship. It was me calling, going to see them and trying to get them to love me and them just receiving my love. Come to think of it, I'm kind of angry about that. Not so much as a few years ago, but I still have it in my heart. I'm still holding some unforgiveness towards them.

I was going to go to church today and see them, but when I really thought about it, I came to realize that that is just another attempt by me to try to get them to love me. It's me trying to control what they do and feel. I'm not going to do that. They all have my phone number and address. If anyone of them want to find me, it would be exceedingly easy.

I feel, otherwise, that I've moved into a new place in my life. I feel ready to explore things about myself that I would never have done before. I feel mainly positive even though I'm not on anti-depressants. I'm taking an anti-anxiety medicine called Hydroxizine, but that's all. I feel like I'm doing well with just that and I'm so glad. I hated taking all those meds. It made me feel even more crazy that I already felt. I know that everything is not always going to feel this way. I know that sometime in the future, I could fall into an even deeper pit of depression than I ever have, but I also know that it doesn't last forever. David's death taught me that. I thought I was going to die myself after he died. He wasn't my blood relative or my boyfriend or my husband, but a part of me died inside just the same. I finally feel like I'm coming back to life. I feel like I'm blooming and different blooms than ever before. It might not be a big thing; not a big bloom, but it's a bloom nonetheless. Hopefully, this positiveness will continue. I need it to continue at least for a little while. I feel like I need some time of good before I can handle the bad again. I need some more hope. I have a smidgen, I just need some smidgens more.

Shooter Kills 7 At Israeli Seminary And A Bomb In Times Square

Gunman Kills 7 At Israeli Seminary

Coincidentally (or not) there was a bomb that exploded in Times Square early this morning.

I find these two events too coincidental not to relate them. Also, since the bombing, the peace talks bewtween Israel and Palestine have ceased. I nearly cried when I saw the story. I don't know why, I just have a special place in my heart for Israel and Palestine. They both have done unspeakable things to the other's people. I don't have much hope for seeing peace there in my lifetime, but I still get sad for all the people who have died and all of the violence that has happened there.

Lewis Imagines Hell

"For humor involves a sense of proportion and a power of seeing yourself from the outside. Whatever else we attribute to beings who sinned through pride, we must not attribute this. Satan, said Chesterton, fell through force of gravity. We must picture Hell as a state where everyone is perpetually concerned about his own dignity and advancement, where everyone has a grievance, and where everyone lives the deadly serious passions of envy, self-importance and resentment."

"Bad angels, like bad men, are entirely practical. They have two motives. The first is fear of punishment; for as totalitarian countries have their camps for toruture, so my Hell contains deeper Hells, it's ' "houses of correction" '. Their second motive is a kind of hunger. I feign that devils can eat one another; and us. Even in human life we have seen the passion to dominate, almost to digest, one's fellow; to make his whole intellectual and emotional life merely an extension of one's own-to hate one's hatred and resent one's grievances and indulge one's egoism through him as well as through oneself. His own little store of passion must of course be suppressed to make room for ours. If he resists this suppression he is being very selfish.
On Earth, this desire is often called ' "love" '. In Hell I feign that they recognise it as hunger. But there the hunger is more ravenous, and a fuller satisfation is possible. There, I suggest, the stronger spirit-there are perhaps no bodies to impede the operation-can really and irrevocably suck the weaker into itself and permanently gorge its own being on the weaker's outraged individuality. It is (I feign) for this that devils desire human souls and the souls of one another. It is for this that Satan desires all his own followers and all the sons of Eve and all the host of Heaven. His dream is of the day when all shall be inside him and all that says ' "I" ' can say it only through him. This, I surmise, is the bloated-spider parody, the only imitaion he can understand, of that unfathomed bounty whereby God turns tools into servants and servants into sons, so that they may be at last reunited with Him in the perfect freedom of a love offered from the height of the utter individualities which he has liberated them to be."

from The Screwtape Letters-Preface~C.S. Lewis

God Respects Me When I Work, But He Loves Me When I Sing

I have a framed picture of that sentence that was given to me by someone I truly, truly love and she knows how much I love to sing. She showed me how my singing can be cathartic and also a gift to God.

Right now, I am trying to get this sadness out of my heart.

On Coming Up For Air

I thought I would post something today about what I'm reading in my little daily devotional book Beyond The Looking Glass: Daily Devotions for Overcoming Anorexia and Bulimia.

Phillipians 4: 11-13
I've learned to be content in whatever situation I'm in.
Phi 4:12 I know how to live in poverty or prosperity. No matter what the situation, I've learned the secret of how to live when I'm full or when I'm hungry, when I have too much or when I have too little.
Phi 4:13 I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.

It seems like I can never be content in whatever situation I find myself. I go in and out of disordered eating still even after trying to recover from it for 17 years. I stopped drinking; I stopped using, but I can't really give myself credit for those things because if I do, I'm afraid that I'll get complacent and fall back into that hole. I can't give myself credit for the little things I accomplish either for the same reason. The funny thing is: I am complacent. I have this bad habit of being very lazy in almost every aspect of my life. It takes me forever to make any change because I don't like change. It's scary to me even though a change in some areas would be a good thing. It's hard to change bad habits.

I want to be not complacent, but learn to be content in whatever situation I happen to be. That sounds like I'm being reactive instead of proactive, I know. I don't think being content is necessarily just letting things happen. I think it's that I have to accept that God is going work everything out for my benefit (whether it be a good situation or a bad situation; both can work for my betterment) and to just accept what he has for me and learn to be content with it.

I've been having so much anxiety lately due to work (or lack of) situations and whatnot that nearly every day I feel, at some point during the day, that my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. It just comes on unexpectedly. Sometimes, I can just be sitting somewhere and it just comes over me when I'm not even thinking about my money situation. I should know by now, after all these years, that God will take care of me. Why do I have to keep re-learning the same lessons? Why can't I remember? Why can't I trust? I think one of the reasons is that my perception of God is colored by my perception of my parents. You are supposed to be able to trust your parents, but I was never able to fully trust mine. It's like my mistrust of the people who were supposed to take care of me stands between me and God because I see God as that one person who always takes care of me. I trust sometimes and then sometimes I don't. God is not mutable. This is something that I need to keep telling myself over and over again.

It's so much easier to keep repeating the negative things, isn't it? Because that's what I'm familiar with.

Glinda Was Right About Everything. Toto Really Is An Jungian Stereotype.

Ok, so I haven't posted in about a month or so. Sorry about that. I hope no one was worried about me. Actually, everything is going pretty damn well right now. Amazing, isn't it?

I moved into a really great apt,; have an awesome roommate; finally have a fun job that I can actually make money at; I have my kitty posse; I have enough money for groceries and bills so that I don't have to choose to pay one or the other (I really like that.) The two girls I've been best friends with, ne sisters, have still completely deserted me. One of them has only spoken to me one time since right after Christmas, the other has not spoken to me at all since right after Christmas. We had been friends/sisters for about 10 years. I try not to think about that too much. The rest of my life is so good right now that I don't want to shoot myself in the foot, so to speak, focusing on that one negative when there are so many positive things going on. I'm trying very hard not to dwell on the negative things, which is kind of a new experience for me.

About a month or so ago, a very special person helped me through alot of my pain regarding the long time sexual abuse of my grandfather. All the memories came back in a literal flood. I think I cried for, I don't know, 5 or so hours. It was that kind of crying where you don't just have tears coming out of your eyes and you don't just sob. It's the kind of crying where all you can do is be bent double by your pain and cry out like some wounded animal. The tears you don't really even notice because they seem to just come of their own accord. That's the kind of thing I went through for hours that day with the help of this special person. I can't thank him enough for what he did for me. I finally have closure regarding my grandfather and I was able to let a lot of that pain go (thank God). I felt like I was going insane. He told me that if I didn't let it go that I really would lose it because I was holding it too close to my heart. You can't hold pain so intense like that close to your heart for that long. It eats away at your sanity. I'm proof of that.

I feel like I've just come home from some long dark journey and now I'm standing in the light. I can see the darkness there still wanting to come back and envelop me, but I'm trying my best to keep it at least at arm's length away from myself.

This is the biggest healing I've ever done in my life and that includes the day I submitted my life to Christ. I realize that I still have a long way to go, but damn, that millstone is gone from around my neck and I'm not drowning anymore. I'm just thankful for that.

I'm sorry if I made anyone worry. Also, I will do my best to get some pics of the new place so y'all can see it. God... I freakin' love it here.

Change Comes Slowly For Me

Haven't been around for awhile, I know. I'm ok if anyone was wondering. I'm moving. Starting today. I'll be moving my stuff to my new place just piecemeal. I don't have really anyone to help me, so I'm just going to move the stuff I can fit into my car until I'm left with the big stuff. Then, I really don't know what I'm going to do. Hopefully, God will provide me someone with a truck and a few friends. *hope*.

If anyone would like to pray for me, send me good energy, or whatever you're comfortable with, it would be so much appreciated. I'm scared about moving because I don't have a job yet. I'm looking every day, though.

I'll try to be around here more in the next few days. Besides, I haven't made any of those commercial ad thingies that make me money in a little while and I need the money. Especially since I'm moving.

The Wealth of Possessing Nothing

Mercy's Cross-14 January 2007~My notes

The desire of God's heart is to have completely our hearts.

Tangible things are things that God has given us to manage, but not possess. Spiritually, you have to give everything away. Materially, you have to be willing to open your hands and give the ownership of your stuff to God. What will you do with what God has given you? What do you have that you did not receive from God?

Jam 2:13 No mercy will be shown to those who show no mercy to others. Mercy triumphs over judgment.
Jam 2:14 My brothers and sisters, what good does it do if someone claims to have faith but doesn't do any good things? Can this kind of faith save him?
Jam 2:15 Suppose a believer, whether a man or a woman, needs clothes or food
Jam 2:16 and one of you tells that person, "God be with you! Stay warm, and make sure you eat enough." If you don't provide for that person's physical needs, what good does it do?

Jam 1:9 Humble believers should be proud because being humble makes them important.
Jam 1:10 Rich believers should be proud because being rich should make them humble.

Mat 5:3 "Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them.

We should recognize that our stuff is not ours, but it is given to us for awhile so that we can work for God.

Mat 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Those who want to come with me must say no to the things they want, pick up their crosses, and follow me.
Mat 16:25 Those who want to save their lives will lose them. But those who lose their lives for me will find them.
Mat 16:26 What good will it do for people to win the whole world and lose their lives? Or what will a person give in exchange for life?
Mat 16:27 The Son of Man will come with his angels in his Father's glory. Then he will pay back each person based on what that person has done.
Mat 16:28 I can guarantee this truth: Some people who are standing here will not die until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom."

The primary reason we give of ourselves is because it reflects God. When we stand before him on that day he will reward us for that faithfulness. God wants us not to live our lives only for ourselves.

Mat 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Those who want to come with me must say no to the things they want, pick up their crosses, and follow me.

Jesus carried his own cross. We had nothing to do with that. Like Jesus, we have to carry our own cross, whatever that cross may be. It's only through experimentation that you will discover what God wants you to do. You can't learn anything about the grace of God without being in a community (i.e. alone). If you are alone, you can't learn to bear the burdens of others, love others, forgive others and learn from others.

Gen 22:1 Later God tested Abraham and called to him, "Abraham!" "Yes, here I am!" he answered.
Gen 22:2 God said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains that I will show you."
Gen 22:3 Early the next morning Abraham saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut the wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place that God had told him about.

Isaac was the son of promise through which Jesus would come. God asked Abraham to do the hardest thing ever, but he did it. He had two choices; either to trust God or not.

Gen 22:3 Early the next morning Abraham saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut the wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place that God had told him about.

Between verses 2 and 3, Isaac dies in the heart of Abraham. He prepares everything for the burnt offering. To Abraham, Isaac was already dead.

Heb 11:17 When God tested Abraham, faith led him to offer his son Isaac. Abraham, the one who received the promises from God, was willing to offer his only son as a sacrifice.
Heb 11:18 God had said to him, "Through Isaac your descendants will carry on your name."
Heb 11:19 Abraham believed that God could bring Isaac back from the dead. Abraham did receive Isaac back from the dead in a figurative sense.

Abraham believed God was able to raise his son from the dead. God is the resurrector.
Remember this: The Spirit of God the Resurrector, the Holy Spirit lives in you.

Gen 22:4 And on the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from a distance.

He traveled for 3 days and for those days, even though Isaac was alive, talking to him and with him, in his heart he knew he was dead. (Can you imagine being with someone for 3 days knowing that they were already dead? If I had been with David 3 days before he died and I knew he was going to die, but there was nothing I could do about it, I think I would have died of heartbreak more so than I did when I didn't know anything was wrong with him and then he died suddenly.) It is quite evident that God didn't make this journey easy for Abraham. (This is a parallel to Jesus' death. He was dead for 3 days and then God raised him from the dead.)

Gen 22:7 And Isaac spoke to his father Abraham and said, My father. And he said, Behold me. And he said, Behold, the fire and the wood! But where is the lamb for a burnt offering?
Gen 22:8 And Abraham said, My son, God will see to the lamb for Himself, for a burnt offering. And the two of them went together.
Gen 22:9 And they came to the place which God had said to him. And Abraham built there the altar, and arranged the wood. And he bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on the wood.
Gen 22:10 And Abraham put out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.

When Isaac spoke to Abraham and asked him where the lamb was for the burnt offering, it was probably a temptation for him to find a lamb to sacrifice instead of his son. How many times do we let those closest to us influence what we do and say when we should be listening to God? (I'm so guilty of this.)

Gen 22:11 And the Angel of Jehovah called to him from the heavens and said, Abraham! Abraham! And he said, Behold me.

There are times when you are walking in what God wants you to do, but you don't listen to God because you are so distracted. Sometimes what God wants you to do will change. (Do I listen to God when I'm supposed to change paths? I can't say for sure that I do all the time. I'm pretty stubborn. Then, there are times when I can hear him clearly. Those times are in the minority.)

Gen 22:12 And He said, Do not lay your hand on the boy, nor do anything to him. For now I know that you are a God-fearer, and you have not withheld your son, your only one, from Me.
Gen 22:13 And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked. And behold! A ram behind him was entangled in a thicket by its horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it for a burnt offering instead of his son.
Gen 22:14 And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah Will See; so that it is said until this day, In the mount of Jehovah it will be seen.

God shows his love here and we see that God loves Isaac as much as he loves Abraham. This test was for Abraham to know where his heart was.

YHVHYRH (Yehovahyireh)~God My Provider; God will see to it

Gen 22:16 And He said, I have sworn by Myself, declares Jehovah, that on account of this thing you have done, and have not withheld your son, your only son,
Gen 22:17 that blessing I will bless you, and multiplying I will multiply your seed as the stars of the heavens, and as the sand which is on the shore of the sea. And your Seed shall possess the gate of His enemies.
Gen 22:18 And in your Seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed because you have obeyed My voice.

At this point, Abraham possesses nothing even though the Bible records that he was a rich man, materially speaking. He had given Isaac, his only son whom he had waited for for so many years and whom he had wanted for so long, to God in the deepest place of his heart. But, because he obeyed God, he had everything. Spiritually, he was wealthy beyond measure.

God doesn't test you because he doesn't know your heart, it's because you don't know your own heart. The more you know God, the more you know your own heart. This increases your faith.


~~~~~~~~~~These are just my notes from the service yesterday. For some reason I took a bucketload of notes. Like I was in class or something. I noticed that even the lady sitting next to me was copying some of my notes. Weird, but ok. It's just that I've never had anyone copy off of me in church. It's kind of funny now that I sit here and think about it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God

From Interactive Faith Builders

Dont copy the behavior and customs of this world,
but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
Then you will know what God wants you to do,
and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.
-Romans 12:2

As I did my quiet time today, the words jumped out at me. “God does not hide his will from you”. I had to think about that for a minute. Many of us spend so much time trying to figure out what God is telling us to do, not only in the large decisions, but in the everyday mundane choices we make in our lives. We forget that Christ gave us the answers to all of these questions in his Word, yet we passively place it on a shelf between church services.

We foolishly believe that if we copy the behavior and customs of those around us, we will find happiness. Happiness is found while resting in the palm of the one who created us- not in the things man has ordained as important. His answers are given to us in a tangible manner, if we choose to seek them and apply them.

The crux of the matter being that little word if.

Discussion: What is keeping you from discovering God’s will for your life? How often do you dive into the one place that can give you the answers to those questions? When was the last time you knew how “pleasing and perfect” His will truly is?

Wow, at this moment, this question is very hard for me to answer. I'm not in a very good place today. Struggling to find my piece of mind, you might say, as some of us have trouble doing everyday. Right now, I feel like I could fall into tears and my body just collapse and lay where it falls for the rest of the day.

This all started last night. I got frustrated with a couple of things and then, as per the usual, everything got frustrating and too difficult to deal with. I became overwhelmed emotionally. I remember, though, telling myself over and over again last night, "If it's the right thing for you to do, God will take care of it. God will make it right. God will see to it that everything works out how he wants it to be. If God doesn't want this for you, then that's that. Period." I vacillated between despair, anger, frustration and praying in earnest to God about what was on my heart.

As far as the question for today goes: I think I get in the way of myself when in comes to anything about knowing God. The only thing I know for sure about God's will is that he wants to bring me closer to him. He wants to conform me to be like his son, so I have to live this life learning to know him, love him, rely on him and obey him.

This question reminds me of something "Mom" Sikes used to ask the kids in our weekly bible study back when I was working in a street ministry. She would say very blunty, very matter-of-factly,"Have you even cracked that Bible open today?

I have to admit, I don't read Scripture as much as I should. I don't know anyone who does, frankly. Even most pastors, if they are honest, will admit that. And sometimes what I do read, I don't absorb because my mind is on other things; I'm not concentrating on submitting to the Holy Spirit so that I can be taught what God wants me to know or what he wants me to remember.

Man...there's only one thing I can do and that is to do my best when it comes to following Christ, admit when I'm wrong and try to do what I know is right. I don't think God keeps account of how many times I fall.

As a matter of fact: Psa 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. I do, however, believe that he does keep an account of how many times we accept his hand to get ourselves out of the hole we've dug. Jam 2:23 And the Scripture was fulfilled, saying, "And Abraham believed God, and it was counted for righteousness to him;" and he was called, Friend of God. Gen. 15:6; Isa. 41:8

No matter how much I get side-tracked, cry, get depressed, cut up my arms or whatever it is that I do, it's my opinion that if I do my best to get close to God by prayer and the reading of the Word; hiding it in my heart, that every other thing about my life God will take care of himself. It's been my experience that when I try to ask of God, "Which way do I go?" that I don't get an answer. Mainly because it's not up to me. It's up to him. The reason for that being that if I am in tune with and following the Holy Spirit's lead, I will go through the doors that God opens. (Granted, it doesn't always happen that way. Cracked clay jars. Yes?) But when I ask, "Should I pray? Should I read your Word?" The answer I get is a definitive, "Yes."

I'm not sure if I really answered the question. I hope this makes sense to someone.

Celebrate Recovery

I went to the Celebrate Recovery meeting last night that my church, Mercy's Cross, is sponsoring. It was really good. Yesterday was a good day despite all the things that went wrong. They were just irritating things. You know, clerical messups that I had to fix and faxing things to fix it and some website issues, but at the end of the day I was glad to be at Celebrate Recovery. I haven't been in awhile because of my problem with my hips and the pain that comes along with it. So, I thought I would post about what we talked about in the main service (I can't talk about what went on in the private meetings because one of the main tennants of that is the individual's right to privacy. It makes for a safer environment emotionally.).

1/04/07~Celebrate Recovery
Sanity

Insanity-doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results
Sanity-Wholeness of mind; making all decisions by God's will

Principle 2 (of the 12 Principles)
Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
Mat 5:4 Happy are those who are sad: for they will be comforted.

Step 2 (of the 12 Steps)
We came to believethat a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Phi 2:13 for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

STRENGTH
Psa 46:1 To the choirmaster. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A Song. God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psa 73:26 My mind and my body may grow weak, but God is my strength; he is all I ever need.

ACCEPTANCE
Rom 15:7 Accept one another, then, for the glory of God, as Christ has accepted you.

NEW LIFE
2Co 1:9 In fact, we still feel as if we're under a death sentence. But we suffered so that we would stop trusting ourselves and learn to trust God, who brings the dead back to life.
2Co 5:17 Whoever is a believer in Christ is a new creation. The old way of living has disappeared. A new way of living has come into existence.

INTEGRITY
Integrity is doing what you know is right even when no one is around. No one is there to see you when you could do what you know is wrong, but you make a conscious choice to do what is right.
3Jo 1:4 Nothing makes me happier than to hear that my children are living according to the truth.

TRUST
Pro 29:25 It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the LORD, you are safe.

YOUR HIGHER POWER
God loves you just the way you are. You can't do anything to make God love you more than He already does. His love is constant and enduring for all eternity.
Rom 5:8 But God showed how much he loved us by having Christ die for us, even though we were sinful.
God never says that nothing bad will ever happen to you. That you won't be short of money; that you won't ever be sick; that you won't ever be depressed; that you won't ever fall back into the ways and temptations that you had before you came to Him and He will allow things to come on you that will nearly crush you. The thing is, He will always provide a way out; we just have to turn to Him to get out. He is the only way out. These things happen so that you will realize how much you need God and brings you closer to Him, which is His ultimate goal for us.
1Co 10:13 No temptation has taken you except what is human; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able. But with the temptation, He will also make the way out, so that you may be able to bear it.


This was really encouraging to me last night and it really touched my heart. I hope that it encourages y'all too.

I Live In My Heart. I Can't Be Anywhere Else.

I'm feeling the heaviness today, but it's not coming from me. Well, it is, but it's not my depression. My heart has grown heavier and heavier with the sorrow of all the needless killing and death that is going on. Every time I turn on my computer, watch tv, or read the newspaper, that's all I see. 52 dead one day-200 the next. Does it matter that they're Iraquis, Saudis, Americans, Lebanese, Israelis? No. And what about the people who died in the Tsunami in Thailand and the islands around there? Or in Hurricane Katrina? What about the ones who die everyday because they simply don't have any food. This happens in America as well as everyplace else.

God loves everyone and I feel it so much that I can't stop the tears from falling. All of this is so useless, like chasing the wind. People need peace, people need food, people need a place to live, they need to be with their families. They need not to be raped, imprisoned, bombed, held for no reason other than the color of their skin or religious beliefs. They need not to be tortured and humiliated. They need medical attention and medicines that are really labeled to be what they say they are.

Now, I'm not a very political person and you can say all of this heaviness is just that I'm one of those bleeding-heart-liberals and someone who knows something needs to be done, but does nothing. Yes, my heart bleeds. I really don't know if I'm "liberal" or "conservative". I really don't think it makes a difference as long as the right things are done and the people have a voice in what is going on in their own government. Yes. I know something needs to be done. A big, huge, overarching something. I would be lying if I said I knew what that thing was. I have no money to give all those organizations who, in their best conscience, try to help those in need wherever they are.

The only thing I can do is pray. And I pray. I cry out to God in frustration and anger because of these things. Partly because I'm frustrated and angry with myself for not being able to do anything but sit in my comfortable house and pray and partly because I get angry and frustrated with God because it seems sometimes that he just watches and does nothing. I know that's not true, though. I know God is working. I just can't see it. I can only keep praying. I hope that God will give me the chance to put my hands to work doing something. I'm always looking for the chance.

All of this hits very close to home for me. I have close friends who are in abusive and terrible relationships. Addicted to drugs/alcohol/sex-whatever can be addicted to they are addicted to it. I have friends in the sex industry. Right now, I have a close friend, a sister, who is laid up in her house with her abusive husband, half her face crushed and possibly brain trauma from a car wreck because her husband wrapped her car around a telephone pole one night when he was drunk. He walked away with only scratches. She lays there, her whole body in pain, face crushed, ribs broken, arms and legs broken, bearing still the red ring of bruises where he last tried to choke her to death. Yet, I can do nothing but pray and try to be there for her. God knows what I really, really want to do is physically carry her out of there and away from her husband and her addiction to drugs and alcohol. I want to put her, like a baby, in my lap-rock her and tell her "everything is going to be ok because you're safe now", but I can't. I can't because it wouldn't be her choice. It would be my choice for her. If I've learned one thing in all of this working with abused and drug addicted women over the last 16 years, it's that it has to be her choice to get away from all the abuse, drugs and darkness. I can only pray and let her know that whenever she decides to, she can come to me and I will give her the shirt off my back and do everything within my power to help her get well, physically, emotionally and mentally.

God, it's so hard to sit by and watch her like this. She's been the same way for the last 10 or so years. It's hard to pray, "Father, only if it's your will, let her live" because I want to scream at him to let her live because I love her so much.

So I pray.
As much for myself as for her, because if God should choose to let her live and she does come to me for help, I can't be a mental wreck. I have to be strong for her and getting close to God is the only way I can be strong. Also, I pray for myself so that I can let him console me in my sorrow, anger, frustration and not understanding what's going on. It's the same with all the violence that is going on in the world and in my own country. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I feel like I should be violent in response to the unfairness and cruelness that has been foisted on those who are helpless to resist or do anything about it. And I just don't understand. I don't understand why it has to be this way.

The only thing I can do is pray. So I pray.


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Sixpence None The Richer~Paralyzed

This song was not written about the war going on now, but back in the time of the conflict in Kosovo, but I think it's still appropriate and it touches me still.


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Tori Amos~Time

Remembrances

As I was hanging out with God this morning as has been my goal for a couple of weeks now, he reached right down into that sensitive thing that I've been carrying around with me for the last 11 years. This is what he said to me via Scripture:

Jeremiah 2:2
"I remember you,
The kindness of your youth,
The love of your betrothal,
When you went after me in the wilderness,
In a land not sown."

In this way, I felt he let me know that he remembers all that happened when I rededicated my life to him and all the difficulties and hardships I faced working with Sold Out Ministries.

Logically, you know that God never forgets anything, right? But there's a difference between head-knowledge and heart-knowledge. He made me feel that all that I went through wasn't for nothing. That he remembers me. He remembers me. He loves me. So simple, right?

It's my way to overlook the simple things and to make everything harder than it has to be and when something as simple as a heart-touch from God letting me know that he knows and loves me comes, it's as if I were that blind man and Jesus put mud on my eyes, rinsed it off and then-all of the sudden-I can see. It's a major thing. I guess it wouldn't be a major thing if I really believed all the time that he loved me and remembers the things I've done for him in love. I make the mistake of equating his love with the love of human beings, which is conditional. I've never felt like anyone loved me unconditionally so I try so hard to make people like/love me. I go overboard. I make myself sick sometimes with worry and effort. I want to be loved. I want my love to be known and appreciated. This is what God said to my heart this morning and it broke me-totally.

That thing (or things) that you carry around in your heart, that secret thing, that amazingly painful thing, that thing that you think will burden you for the rest of your life-that's what he touched in me. I can't describe how I felt when I realized it. I curled my entire body into as much of itself as I could and cried like a child and I knew, I knew that he was holding me and comforting me. All I could say and kept saying over and over and over again was, "Thank you."

I'm not relating all of this in an attempt to brag and saywithoutsaying, "Look at me! I'm so spiritual that God chose to touch me!" No. No. No. If anything, I am the least of all God's children. I only try to relate this experience in my broken way because it was so amazing and it was such an intense experience. It's more like a wow-he-chose-to-remember-me-even-though-I'm-such-a-complete-ass thing.

I'm going to tuck this experience away in my heart so that no one can take it from me so that I will remember it because I'm so good at forgetting.

Weakness, God & Self-Mutilation

Last night I cut my arm again. Not even four days after the last time. I don't know exactly what possessed me to do it. The night before, I spent about an hour crying-mourning the death of my brother in Christ, David. I just miss him so very much. I know he's with God, but just because I'm selfish, I want him to come back here and be with me. God....I just miss him.

Last night, I downed four of my Klonopin pills at one time (I had taken two earlier that day, which is part of the regular dosage I'm supposed to take-the other is two at night) and then went into the kitchen and began to slice my arm all over with wild, quick strikes. It was so random. Not like last time. Last time, they were all in a row and all about the same length. This time, they're all over the place-some deeper than others. Some on my wrist, up by the crease of my elbow and some on the inside of my arm. One in particular, wouldn't stop bleeding for a long while and I was afraid I was going to need stitches, but thankfully, it stopped.

I don't know why I treat myself so viciously. Let me re-word that-I know that I don't have much love for myself and am constantly in a day-to-day battle to overcome the things that have happened to me. I'm sure that this will be a battle that will last the rest of my life. It's just that I've never really been a cutter until now. The last time I had a phase of this was in 1984, when I was 14. This was the year that my grandfather(the pedophile) died and it was the start of my freshman year at a new school in a new town following my first rape that summer only a few months before. I never really "cut" though. I burned myself with knives that I had held over heat until the blade had become red-hot. This cutting I'm doing now, doesn't make me feel that same release as the burning. I know this because the first time I self-mutilated this time, I did the same thing I did at fourteen. It hurt, obviously, but the release and feeling of wellness after was amazing and it lasted for a few weeks. This cutting I'm doing now doesn't really do anything for me like that. So, I'm not quite sure why I'm doing it. Psychologically speaking, people usually keep doing things that give them rewards i.e. good feelings. That's why some people eat when they're not hungry/stressed/sad, it gives them a sense of well-being and satisfaction (at least temporarily). This thing I'm doing to myself now just makes me feel like shit and yet I feel compulsed to do it. Last night, the large serrated-edged knife was "calling" to me from the kitchen (not literally-that would make me crazy, right?). I balled up my fists and clenched my entire body in frustration and an attempt to resist, but the next thing I remember, there I was in the kitchen going away with the knife like I was slicing roast beef that had a picture of my grandfather's face on it. I didn't cry. I just did it and left the kitchen, went to the bathroom, washed my arm under the water, put antisceptic on it and went to my room.

I don't know why. There's not many things in my life that I've looked to God and asked angrily, "Why?". My grandfather, the rapes, David's death. I can't remember ever asking why my parents beat me so cruelly. I suppose I felt that I deserved it. That was their big mind-fuck. They make you think it's your fault that they say terrible things to you and beat you to within an inch of your life.

You know, God has never seen fit to answer my "why" questions. It's been/is very hard for me to accept. I even turned completely away from God for a time because I was so angry with Him for not telling me why these things happened to me. That's not to say that I'm still not angry, just not as angry as before. The last ten years God has slowly been wooing me back into His arms. I finally figured out that the closer I am to God, the less those things hurt me. There's still part of me that still wants to blame Him. Like a child, I stomp my foot and demand answers from someone who knows infinitely more about everything than I do. And sometimes, I get angry and curse Him and tell Him that I hate Him; then I feel like total shit. I have a total breakdown, cry and beg Him to rescue me from the ledge I've put myself on. He always does.

I guess you could say that I'm not very close to God right now. I don't really know if that's true or if it's me cutting myself in another way. The voices get so loud sometimes, that I can't hear myself think.