Glinda Was Right About Everything. Toto Really Is An Jungian Stereotype.

Ok, so I haven't posted in about a month or so. Sorry about that. I hope no one was worried about me. Actually, everything is going pretty damn well right now. Amazing, isn't it?

I moved into a really great apt,; have an awesome roommate; finally have a fun job that I can actually make money at; I have my kitty posse; I have enough money for groceries and bills so that I don't have to choose to pay one or the other (I really like that.) The two girls I've been best friends with, ne sisters, have still completely deserted me. One of them has only spoken to me one time since right after Christmas, the other has not spoken to me at all since right after Christmas. We had been friends/sisters for about 10 years. I try not to think about that too much. The rest of my life is so good right now that I don't want to shoot myself in the foot, so to speak, focusing on that one negative when there are so many positive things going on. I'm trying very hard not to dwell on the negative things, which is kind of a new experience for me.

About a month or so ago, a very special person helped me through alot of my pain regarding the long time sexual abuse of my grandfather. All the memories came back in a literal flood. I think I cried for, I don't know, 5 or so hours. It was that kind of crying where you don't just have tears coming out of your eyes and you don't just sob. It's the kind of crying where all you can do is be bent double by your pain and cry out like some wounded animal. The tears you don't really even notice because they seem to just come of their own accord. That's the kind of thing I went through for hours that day with the help of this special person. I can't thank him enough for what he did for me. I finally have closure regarding my grandfather and I was able to let a lot of that pain go (thank God). I felt like I was going insane. He told me that if I didn't let it go that I really would lose it because I was holding it too close to my heart. You can't hold pain so intense like that close to your heart for that long. It eats away at your sanity. I'm proof of that.

I feel like I've just come home from some long dark journey and now I'm standing in the light. I can see the darkness there still wanting to come back and envelop me, but I'm trying my best to keep it at least at arm's length away from myself.

This is the biggest healing I've ever done in my life and that includes the day I submitted my life to Christ. I realize that I still have a long way to go, but damn, that millstone is gone from around my neck and I'm not drowning anymore. I'm just thankful for that.

I'm sorry if I made anyone worry. Also, I will do my best to get some pics of the new place so y'all can see it. God... I freakin' love it here.

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Blogger Kate said...

I'm so glad things are looking up. Congratulations!

And as for the breakthrough - it reinforces my thought that life really is all about punctuated equilibrium... we muddle along and things don't much change for months at a time, and then something happens and everything feels different. And even when the change is a positive one, it can be scary and exhausting... here's hoping you settle into a new normal ASAP.

March 30, 2007 10:58 AM  
Blogger evilfix said...

hey robyn. so glad you got your place. i was worried about you, not posting in such as long time. i always check your blog..

sorry for the asshole iv been too. a lot of shit has been going on in my life too. in fact, we have a lot of things in common. ill just leave it at that.

but anyway with this new emotional pain (like i needed more) iv picked up quite a few new vices... my razorblade being the worst.

but anyway, theres always a secret light somewhere that will bring happiness, ill just keep looking for that light, until it drives me right off the edge.

be well robyn.

April 03, 2007 3:29 PM  
Anonymous andrena said...

surfed here through Blog Soldiers..will come back..am in the middle of Good Friday and Easter services.....busy..busy...

glad you turned your life over to Christ...my life has been ONE BIG ADVENTURE since I have...

peace and blessings to you..

will be back after the holiday!

April 06, 2007 3:52 PM  
Blogger Srikanth said...

In your links, please change Science-Core from http://science-core.blogspot.com to :


I have transferred to Worpress, and have linked to you from thereā€¦


April 14, 2007 1:07 AM  
Anonymous GeL(Emerald Eyes) said...

I dropped by because I was thinking of you. It's fantastic to read that you were able to cry, purge, and heal in the safe understanding of a close friend!

I'm glad you found a job and an apt. mate. Sounds like your life is coming together!


May 29, 2007 2:32 AM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Thanks GeL. I'm sorry I haven't been around lately. I going to do my best to catch up with what's been going on with you. I miss reading your blogs and your poetry.

July 02, 2007 8:15 PM  

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