Weakness, God & Self-Mutilation

Last night I cut my arm again. Not even four days after the last time. I don't know exactly what possessed me to do it. The night before, I spent about an hour crying-mourning the death of my brother in Christ, David. I just miss him so very much. I know he's with God, but just because I'm selfish, I want him to come back here and be with me. God....I just miss him.

Last night, I downed four of my Klonopin pills at one time (I had taken two earlier that day, which is part of the regular dosage I'm supposed to take-the other is two at night) and then went into the kitchen and began to slice my arm all over with wild, quick strikes. It was so random. Not like last time. Last time, they were all in a row and all about the same length. This time, they're all over the place-some deeper than others. Some on my wrist, up by the crease of my elbow and some on the inside of my arm. One in particular, wouldn't stop bleeding for a long while and I was afraid I was going to need stitches, but thankfully, it stopped.

I don't know why I treat myself so viciously. Let me re-word that-I know that I don't have much love for myself and am constantly in a day-to-day battle to overcome the things that have happened to me. I'm sure that this will be a battle that will last the rest of my life. It's just that I've never really been a cutter until now. The last time I had a phase of this was in 1984, when I was 14. This was the year that my grandfather(the pedophile) died and it was the start of my freshman year at a new school in a new town following my first rape that summer only a few months before. I never really "cut" though. I burned myself with knives that I had held over heat until the blade had become red-hot. This cutting I'm doing now, doesn't make me feel that same release as the burning. I know this because the first time I self-mutilated this time, I did the same thing I did at fourteen. It hurt, obviously, but the release and feeling of wellness after was amazing and it lasted for a few weeks. This cutting I'm doing now doesn't really do anything for me like that. So, I'm not quite sure why I'm doing it. Psychologically speaking, people usually keep doing things that give them rewards i.e. good feelings. That's why some people eat when they're not hungry/stressed/sad, it gives them a sense of well-being and satisfaction (at least temporarily). This thing I'm doing to myself now just makes me feel like shit and yet I feel compulsed to do it. Last night, the large serrated-edged knife was "calling" to me from the kitchen (not literally-that would make me crazy, right?). I balled up my fists and clenched my entire body in frustration and an attempt to resist, but the next thing I remember, there I was in the kitchen going away with the knife like I was slicing roast beef that had a picture of my grandfather's face on it. I didn't cry. I just did it and left the kitchen, went to the bathroom, washed my arm under the water, put antisceptic on it and went to my room.

I don't know why. There's not many things in my life that I've looked to God and asked angrily, "Why?". My grandfather, the rapes, David's death. I can't remember ever asking why my parents beat me so cruelly. I suppose I felt that I deserved it. That was their big mind-fuck. They make you think it's your fault that they say terrible things to you and beat you to within an inch of your life.

You know, God has never seen fit to answer my "why" questions. It's been/is very hard for me to accept. I even turned completely away from God for a time because I was so angry with Him for not telling me why these things happened to me. That's not to say that I'm still not angry, just not as angry as before. The last ten years God has slowly been wooing me back into His arms. I finally figured out that the closer I am to God, the less those things hurt me. There's still part of me that still wants to blame Him. Like a child, I stomp my foot and demand answers from someone who knows infinitely more about everything than I do. And sometimes, I get angry and curse Him and tell Him that I hate Him; then I feel like total shit. I have a total breakdown, cry and beg Him to rescue me from the ledge I've put myself on. He always does.

I guess you could say that I'm not very close to God right now. I don't really know if that's true or if it's me cutting myself in another way. The voices get so loud sometimes, that I can't hear myself think.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

good job - scream copyright on the artwork you've done, and then rip off some else's artwork for the header.

did you get their permission? obviously not since you don't even know their name.

November 07, 2006 4:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


November 07, 2006 4:17 PM  
Blogger reddragonsangel said...

ewww- what is with the anon trolls here? can you not see this person is trying to have a life and to recover- is the artwork(albeit lovely) really an issue? I think that since the weather is getting cooler that you troll have nothing better to do but to troll( pun intended) the internet and find folks to prey on- thier beliefs, thier looks and thier thoughts- really get a life and find something else to do with your time- like paly a game or something- seriously! Ok- now- to you Anias, my friend- please get some help- I understand ( sort of ) you wanting to feel the release of your pain, but hurting yourself is not the answer- and neither is changing your med's doseage- Death is horrible and the loss of a loved one is excruciateing, Iam so sorry for your loss- but you are fragile and you need to talk to someone and get yourself to the place where you no longer want to relase the pain thru self mutilation, whatever it takes- get better- I am rooting for you-have you read The Road Less Traveled- M.Scott Peck? I am here with a shoulder and an ear- praying for youto find peace and strength-

November 08, 2006 11:20 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

No guilt, no guilt. You did something, it didn't work to make you feel better, but that doesn't 100% mean it won't work the next time and so sometimes we try again... humans aren't logical.

I have to gently but firmly disagree with one statement you made: "Psychologically speaking, people usually keep doing things that give them rewards i.e. good feelings."

Not necessarily. I see soooo many people hurt themselves in so many ways, not because it feels good, but because they think they deserve it, or they think it might help offer a release from other pain, or they just don't think, they act and think later, or or or... millions of reasons.

We, as a race, are not very nice to ourselves. You deserve to be treated gently, by others and by yourself, but since when do we all get what we deserve??

Anyway. Just hang in, day at a time, all of that. You'll be okay when you're ready to be okay, and while you're not okay, it's sad but doesn't make you bad.

If that makes any sense.

November 08, 2006 11:54 AM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

reddragonsangel: I am in therapy. I see my psychiatrist once a week for an hour. As a matter of fact, I saw him this morning and we discussed the cutting episodes-among other things. I've been so out of it lately and I think it's not only because of my being depressed, but because of the amount of Klonopin I take. He explained to me that Klonopin works on the same receptors that alcohol does; therefore it loosens inhibitions, just like alcohol. Only it doesn't make you drunk, but it is a depressive drug (anti-anxiety). He thinks that since I had had no cutting incidences since 1984 and have had 3 since I've started taking Klonopin that it's time for me to back off of it. I'm so glad because it also slows cognition, that's part of why I've been so frustrated in Spanish class. I feel like my brain is working on outdated software and everyone else has Dual Core Processors. So, that's one good thing.
Another thing is that I've started going back to church and on Thursday nights, I go to this thing at the church called 'Celebrate Recovery'. My psychiatrist thinks this is a really good idea because it keeps me connected to the outside world. You know, living in your head too much can be a bad thing. At least I think so. I'm also going to get back into bible reading. You know not much at first. Baby steps, that's what I keep having to tell myself to keep from getting that, "I'm overwhelmed" feeling. That's when I just say "fuck it" and curl up into a ball in my bed.
Today I'm not so depressed.(I hope it lasts all day and then some.) I have Spanish class at 1:40, so hopefully I can go to that. I feel encouraged today and I'm so thankful for it. I'm so thankful for your prayers and support.
I think that troll is part of the leftovers from when I submitted my blog to IT2M. Their commenters have nothing better to do than to agree with the people who run that site and they don't know when enough is enough. I was going to delete those comments, but they really didn't bother me, so I just left them where they are (thanks for taking up for me *hugs*).

November 08, 2006 1:16 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

kate: I can see where you are coming from about how people act first and think later and in the process think they're doing something to make themselves feel better, but then it ends up making them feel worse. Believe me, I understand that all too well. When I was talking about "people usually do things that make them rewards", I guess I was thinking more about some psych studies that I've read (and done) and some other psych experiments that I've read about. Like Pavlov's dog and things like that. I was thinking more along the lines of classical conditioning (if that makes any sense).
But you are right, people do continually hurt themselves and then wonder why they feel like shit afterwards when they thought what they were doing was the right thing.
I'm trying hard not to feel guilty about what I've done to myself. Everytime I see my arm, which is quite a bit since it's connected to my body (you know I've always wondered what it would be like to have detatchable body parts. Like when you go to sleep, you could just detatch that arm that gets in your way when you try to lay on your side. Ok. Random. That's neither here nor there.) and for some reason I can't stop examining it looking for signs of infection and just examining it in general, it's hard not to kick myself in the ass for doing that. I realize, though, that that is the vicious circle that is self-injury. I injure myself, feel terribly guilty, then injure again and so on and so on.
Hopefully this backing off of the dosage of Klonopin I take will help me see things more clearly. I'm looking forward to it even though I know that I'm physically addicted to it and I know I'll have DTs coming off of it. Still, I'm looking forward to having my brain back. Y'know?
Thanks for caring about me.

November 08, 2006 1:31 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

"Still, I'm looking forward to having my brain back. Y'know?"

Yeah, I know.

And as for the arm... I just read a quote from Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) about how a girl at a concert removed her prosthetic arm to wave a sign or something at him. He found that distracting.

November 08, 2006 1:49 PM  
Blogger CyberCelt said...

I have found solace in this site

May it help you when you feel like cutting or hurting yourself.

You can survive everything that has happened to you, and more... I did.

Find a river and watch it flow. This soothes my soul.

I am praying for you.

November 10, 2006 6:13 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Thank you so much.

November 10, 2006 10:44 PM  
Blogger Adventures in Stepford said...

Man, you are dealing with some big demons, but God is bigger. (I remind myself of this as well). I have heard nothing but great things about Celebrate Recovery, please keep us posted.

November 11, 2006 12:23 AM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

I have to keep reminding myself that God is bigger than all of the bullshit that goes on in my life (and in the lives of others) as well. It's too easy to forget, y'know? To put God on the back burner, so to speak.

I'm already feeling more clearheaded since I reduced my Klonopin dosage Wednesday. I've been starting every day with a prayer of victory in Christ and some bible reading and meditation. I know it's only been 4 days since I started doing this, but I already feel better. Like I said, more clearheaded. I'm still sad about things, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm dealing better.

I'll definitely keep y'all updated on my recovery. What a weird word. I never thought I'd say that with regard to myself. I mean, I've done some major recovering before, but I've never said, "I'm in recovery" or "I'm recovering". I guess before now I just kept that process to myself. Things change, no?

November 11, 2006 11:38 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

I shall pray for you, I may not know how deep your pain goes, but it is encouaging to see that you are seeking God in the midsts of it.

November 13, 2006 11:39 AM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

I really appreciate your kindness in praying for me. I am feeling better-as in not-so-depressed/suicidal. At least I have that y'know? And I've been hanging out with God everyday, which of course, always makes me more clearheaded.

Thanks again.

November 13, 2006 11:52 AM  

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