tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post8815965018263029..comments2023-10-15T10:36:30.216-04:00Comments on I Will Not Eat The Darkness: Weakness, God & Self-MutilationAnais Ninhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854303141967163306noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-57213907602435609172006-11-13T11:52:00.000-05:002006-11-13T11:52:00.000-05:00I really appreciate your kindness in praying for m...I really appreciate your kindness in praying for me. I <i>am</i> feeling better-as in not-so-depressed/suicidal. At least I have that y'know? And I've been hanging out with God everyday, which of course, always makes me more clearheaded. <br /><br />Thanks again.Anais Ninhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04854303141967163306noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-22571575785404009022006-11-13T11:39:00.000-05:002006-11-13T11:39:00.000-05:00I shall pray for you, I may not know how deep your...I shall pray for you, I may not know how deep your pain goes, but it is encouaging to see that you are seeking God in the midsts of it.Tomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02573918263587521707noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-52980350961608833152006-11-11T11:38:00.000-05:002006-11-11T11:38:00.000-05:00I have to keep reminding myself that God is bigger...I have to keep reminding myself that God is bigger than all of the bullshit that goes on in my life (and in the lives of others) as well. It's too easy to forget, y'know? To put God on the back burner, so to speak. <br /><br />I'm already feeling more clearheaded since I reduced my Klonopin dosage Wednesday. I've been starting every day with a prayer of victory in Christ and some bible reading and meditation. I know it's only been 4 days since I started doing this, but I already feel better. Like I said, more clearheaded. I'm still sad about things, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm dealing better. <br /><br />I'll definitely keep y'all updated on my recovery. What a weird word. I never thought I'd say that with regard to myself. I mean, I've done some major recovering before, but I've never said, "I'm in recovery" or "I'm recovering". I guess before now I just kept that process to myself. Things change, no?Anais Ninhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04854303141967163306noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-62120024193338389852006-11-11T00:23:00.000-05:002006-11-11T00:23:00.000-05:00Man, you are dealing with some big demons, but God...Man, you are dealing with some big demons, but God is bigger. (I remind myself of this as well). I have heard nothing but great things about Celebrate Recovery, please keep us posted.Adventures in Stepfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02206636596013476747noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-65039306420328458292006-11-10T22:44:00.000-05:002006-11-10T22:44:00.000-05:00Thank you so much.Thank you <i>so</i> much.Anais Ninhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04854303141967163306noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-45750411436881052192006-11-10T18:13:00.000-05:002006-11-10T18:13:00.000-05:00I have found solace in this site
http://www.sacred...I have found solace in this site<br />http://www.sacredspace.ie/<br /><br />May it help you when you feel like cutting or hurting yourself.<br /><br />You can survive everything that has happened to you, and more... I did.<br /><br />Find a river and watch it flow. This soothes my soul.<br /><br />I am praying for you.CyberCelthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11954268198661577510noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-47008363115326739172006-11-08T13:49:00.000-05:002006-11-08T13:49:00.000-05:00"Still, I'm looking forward to having my brain bac..."Still, I'm looking forward to having my brain back. Y'know?"<br /><br />Yeah, I know. <br /><br />And as for the arm... I just read a quote from Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) about how a girl at a concert removed her prosthetic arm to wave a sign or something at him. He found that distracting.Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02778318185310548615noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-9516352002983775882006-11-08T13:31:00.000-05:002006-11-08T13:31:00.000-05:00kate: I can see where you are coming from about ho...kate: I can see where you are coming from about how people act first and think later and in the process think they're doing something to make themselves feel better, but then it ends up making them feel worse. Believe me, I understand that <i>all too well</i>. When I was talking about "people usually do things that make them rewards", I guess I was thinking more about some psych studies that I've read (and done) and some other psych experiments that I've read about. Like Pavlov's dog and things like that. I was thinking more along the lines of classical conditioning (if that makes any sense). <br />But you are right, people do continually hurt themselves and then wonder why they feel like shit afterwards when they thought what they were doing was the right thing. <br />I'm trying hard not to feel guilty about what I've done to myself. Everytime I see my arm, which is quite a bit since it's connected to my body (you know I've always wondered what it would be like to have detatchable body parts. Like when you go to sleep, you could just detatch that arm that gets in your way when you try to lay on your side. Ok. Random. That's neither here nor there.) and for some reason I can't <i>stop</i> examining it looking for signs of infection and just examining it in general, it's hard <i>not</i> to kick myself in the ass for doing that. I realize, though, that that is the vicious circle that is self-injury. I injure myself, feel terribly guilty, then injure again and so on and so on. <br />Hopefully this backing off of the dosage of Klonopin I take will help me see things more clearly. I'm looking forward to it even though I know that I'm physically addicted to it and I know I'll have DTs coming off of it. Still, I'm looking forward to having my brain back. Y'know?<br />Thanks for caring about me.Anais Ninhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04854303141967163306noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-21210468093478564842006-11-08T13:16:00.000-05:002006-11-08T13:16:00.000-05:00reddragonsangel: I am in therapy. I see my psychia...reddragonsangel: I am in therapy. I see my psychiatrist once a week for an hour. As a matter of fact, I saw him this morning and we discussed the cutting episodes-among other things. I've been so out of it lately and I think it's not only because of my being depressed, but because of the amount of Klonopin I take. He explained to me that Klonopin works on the same receptors that alcohol does; therefore it loosens inhibitions, just like alcohol. Only it doesn't make you drunk, but it <i>is</i> a depressive drug (anti-anxiety). He thinks that since I had had no cutting incidences since 1984 and have had 3 since I've started taking Klonopin that it's time for me to back off of it. I'm so glad because it also slows cognition, that's part of why I've been so frustrated in Spanish class. I feel like my brain is working on outdated software and everyone else has Dual Core Processors. So, that's one good thing. <br />Another thing is that I've started going back to church and on Thursday nights, I go to this thing <i>at</i> the church called 'Celebrate Recovery'. My psychiatrist thinks this is a really good idea because it keeps me connected to the outside world. You know, living in your head too much can be a bad thing. At least I think so. I'm also going to get back into bible reading. You know not much at first. Baby steps, that's what I keep having to tell myself to keep from getting that, "I'm overwhelmed" feeling. That's when I just say "fuck it" and curl up into a ball in my bed. <br />Today I'm not so depressed.(I hope it lasts all day and then some.) I have Spanish class at 1:40, so hopefully I can go to that. I feel encouraged today and I'm so thankful for it. I'm so thankful for your prayers and support. <br />I think that troll is part of the leftovers from when I submitted my blog to IT2M. Their commenters have nothing better to do than to agree with the people who run that site and they don't know when enough is enough. I was going to delete those comments, but they really didn't bother me, so I just left them where they are (thanks for taking up for me *hugs*).Anais Ninhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04854303141967163306noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-44234820652951816172006-11-08T11:54:00.000-05:002006-11-08T11:54:00.000-05:00No guilt, no guilt. You did something, it didn't ...No guilt, no guilt. You did something, it didn't work to make you feel better, but that doesn't 100% mean it won't work the next time and so sometimes we try again... humans aren't logical. <br /><br />I have to gently but firmly disagree with one statement you made: "Psychologically speaking, people usually keep doing things that give them rewards i.e. good feelings." <br /><br />Not necessarily. I see soooo many people hurt themselves in so many ways, not because it feels good, but because they think they deserve it, or they think it might help offer a release from other pain, or they just don't think, they act and think later, or or or... millions of reasons. <br /><br />We, as a race, are not very nice to ourselves. You deserve to be treated gently, by others and by yourself, but since when do we all get what we deserve??<br /><br />Anyway. Just hang in, day at a time, all of that. You'll be okay when you're ready to be okay, and while you're not okay, it's sad but doesn't make you bad.<br /><br />If that makes any sense.Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02778318185310548615noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-53910916845031951602006-11-08T11:20:00.000-05:002006-11-08T11:20:00.000-05:00ewww- what is with the anon trolls here? can you n...ewww- what is with the anon trolls here? can you not see this person is trying to have a life and to recover- is the artwork(albeit lovely) really an issue? I think that since the weather is getting cooler that you troll have nothing better to do but to troll( pun intended) the internet and find folks to prey on- thier beliefs, thier looks and thier thoughts- really get a life and find something else to do with your time- like paly a game or something- seriously! Ok- now- to you Anias, my friend- please get some help- I understand ( sort of ) you wanting to feel the release of your pain, but hurting yourself is not the answer- and neither is changing your med's doseage- Death is horrible and the loss of a loved one is excruciateing, Iam so sorry for your loss- but you are fragile and you need to talk to someone and get yourself to the place where you no longer want to relase the pain thru self mutilation, whatever it takes- get better- I am rooting for you-have you read The Road Less Traveled- M.Scott Peck? I am here with a shoulder and an ear- praying for youto find peace and strength-AngelHawkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09985049709938574837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-11247392549794460652006-11-07T16:17:00.001-05:002006-11-07T16:17:00.001-05:00wanker.wanker.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26953856.post-79253974433386364042006-11-07T16:17:00.000-05:002006-11-07T16:17:00.000-05:00good job - scream copyright on the artwork you've ...good job - scream copyright on the artwork you've done, and then rip off some else's artwork for the header.<br /><br />did you get their permission? obviously not since you don't even know their name.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com