6.7.08

Hope




I haven't been inspired to write much lately. Tonight, though, I'm feeling kind of melancholy. I'm not really depressed, just a little down. I'm missing the Sold Out clan. I know they don't miss me, though. That's what hurts me a little. The pain is not as bad as it used to be, so I guess I'm still in the process of letting go of them. It's about time. It's been 13 years since we all separated. I'm finding that I have a habit of holding on really tightly to people that I love. I'm having to learn to let go of those people because nothing ever stays the same. Every one changes. Feelings change; circumstances change. Besides, even though every one wants to be loved sometime in their lives, they should be able to feel free enough in that love to be able to go and do their own thing and come back if they want to or to not come back. It's hard for me, though, because I never really felt loved so when I feel that someone loves me, I hold them in my heart forever. Sometimes, the type of love I have changes (again the changing), but I've found something out about myself: once I decide that I love someone, I will always love them in some way. There are some people that I love (like the Sold Out crew) that I've decided to keep out of my life because it's just better for me. I have to love them from a long distance away. I could easily put myself in sort of a martyr situation here (and I've done that before), but I'm trying really hard not to now.

I know I keep going on about the Sold Out people, but this is something that has been so hard for me: to accept the fact that they once loved me and now don't. Maybe they feel like I do about them. Maybe they feel like they are better off without me in their lives. Maybe they feel healthier. I don't recall being a drama queen with them or taking advantage of any of them, but that could be the case. Maybe it's just that we've all slipped away from each other and don't really care enough to keep in contact with each other. I'd like to think that I'm not so lazy as to not even keep in touch with people I say that I love. But, I did try to keep with them for a long time when they were not trying to keep in touch with me. It was a totally one-sided relationship. It was me calling, going to see them and trying to get them to love me and them just receiving my love. Come to think of it, I'm kind of angry about that. Not so much as a few years ago, but I still have it in my heart. I'm still holding some unforgiveness towards them.

I was going to go to church today and see them, but when I really thought about it, I came to realize that that is just another attempt by me to try to get them to love me. It's me trying to control what they do and feel. I'm not going to do that. They all have my phone number and address. If anyone of them want to find me, it would be exceedingly easy.

I feel, otherwise, that I've moved into a new place in my life. I feel ready to explore things about myself that I would never have done before. I feel mainly positive even though I'm not on anti-depressants. I'm taking an anti-anxiety medicine called Hydroxizine, but that's all. I feel like I'm doing well with just that and I'm so glad. I hated taking all those meds. It made me feel even more crazy that I already felt. I know that everything is not always going to feel this way. I know that sometime in the future, I could fall into an even deeper pit of depression than I ever have, but I also know that it doesn't last forever. David's death taught me that. I thought I was going to die myself after he died. He wasn't my blood relative or my boyfriend or my husband, but a part of me died inside just the same. I finally feel like I'm coming back to life. I feel like I'm blooming and different blooms than ever before. It might not be a big thing; not a big bloom, but it's a bloom nonetheless. Hopefully, this positiveness will continue. I need it to continue at least for a little while. I feel like I need some time of good before I can handle the bad again. I need some more hope. I have a smidgen, I just need some smidgens more.



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