Remembrances

As I was hanging out with God this morning as has been my goal for a couple of weeks now, he reached right down into that sensitive thing that I've been carrying around with me for the last 11 years. This is what he said to me via Scripture:

Jeremiah 2:2
"I remember you,
The kindness of your youth,
The love of your betrothal,
When you went after me in the wilderness,
In a land not sown."

In this way, I felt he let me know that he remembers all that happened when I rededicated my life to him and all the difficulties and hardships I faced working with Sold Out Ministries.

Logically, you know that God never forgets anything, right? But there's a difference between head-knowledge and heart-knowledge. He made me feel that all that I went through wasn't for nothing. That he remembers me. He remembers me. He loves me. So simple, right?

It's my way to overlook the simple things and to make everything harder than it has to be and when something as simple as a heart-touch from God letting me know that he knows and loves me comes, it's as if I were that blind man and Jesus put mud on my eyes, rinsed it off and then-all of the sudden-I can see. It's a major thing. I guess it wouldn't be a major thing if I really believed all the time that he loved me and remembers the things I've done for him in love. I make the mistake of equating his love with the love of human beings, which is conditional. I've never felt like anyone loved me unconditionally so I try so hard to make people like/love me. I go overboard. I make myself sick sometimes with worry and effort. I want to be loved. I want my love to be known and appreciated. This is what God said to my heart this morning and it broke me-totally.

That thing (or things) that you carry around in your heart, that secret thing, that amazingly painful thing, that thing that you think will burden you for the rest of your life-that's what he touched in me. I can't describe how I felt when I realized it. I curled my entire body into as much of itself as I could and cried like a child and I knew, I knew that he was holding me and comforting me. All I could say and kept saying over and over and over again was, "Thank you."

I'm not relating all of this in an attempt to brag and saywithoutsaying, "Look at me! I'm so spiritual that God chose to touch me!" No. No. No. If anything, I am the least of all God's children. I only try to relate this experience in my broken way because it was so amazing and it was such an intense experience. It's more like a wow-he-chose-to-remember-me-even-though-I'm-such-a-complete-ass thing.

I'm going to tuck this experience away in my heart so that no one can take it from me so that I will remember it because I'm so good at forgetting.