As I was hanging out with God this morning as has been my goal for a couple of weeks now, he reached right down into that sensitive thing that I've been carrying around with me for the last 11 years. This is what he said to me via Scripture:

Jeremiah 2:2
"I remember you,
The kindness of your youth,
The love of your betrothal,
When you went after me in the wilderness,
In a land not sown."

In this way, I felt he let me know that he remembers all that happened when I rededicated my life to him and all the difficulties and hardships I faced working with Sold Out Ministries.

Logically, you know that God never forgets anything, right? But there's a difference between head-knowledge and heart-knowledge. He made me feel that all that I went through wasn't for nothing. That he remembers me. He remembers me. He loves me. So simple, right?

It's my way to overlook the simple things and to make everything harder than it has to be and when something as simple as a heart-touch from God letting me know that he knows and loves me comes, it's as if I were that blind man and Jesus put mud on my eyes, rinsed it off and then-all of the sudden-I can see. It's a major thing. I guess it wouldn't be a major thing if I really believed all the time that he loved me and remembers the things I've done for him in love. I make the mistake of equating his love with the love of human beings, which is conditional. I've never felt like anyone loved me unconditionally so I try so hard to make people like/love me. I go overboard. I make myself sick sometimes with worry and effort. I want to be loved. I want my love to be known and appreciated. This is what God said to my heart this morning and it broke me-totally.

That thing (or things) that you carry around in your heart, that secret thing, that amazingly painful thing, that thing that you think will burden you for the rest of your life-that's what he touched in me. I can't describe how I felt when I realized it. I curled my entire body into as much of itself as I could and cried like a child and I knew, I knew that he was holding me and comforting me. All I could say and kept saying over and over and over again was, "Thank you."

I'm not relating all of this in an attempt to brag and saywithoutsaying, "Look at me! I'm so spiritual that God chose to touch me!" No. No. No. If anything, I am the least of all God's children. I only try to relate this experience in my broken way because it was so amazing and it was such an intense experience. It's more like a wow-he-chose-to-remember-me-even-though-I'm-such-a-complete-ass thing.

I'm going to tuck this experience away in my heart so that no one can take it from me so that I will remember it because I'm so good at forgetting.



Anonymous eph2810 said...

You know - this post made me smile and tear-up at the same time. Yes, God is amazing - He can reach down to us when we least expect it :). That is His unconditional love, grace and mercy. He extends it to us every.single.day if we are willing to take it...

November 15, 2006 8:25 PM  
Anonymous Beckie said...

Eph2810 is sooooo right. His love is so amazing and so divine. The fact that He KNEW us before we were born...He FORMED us in the womb is hard for us mere mortals to grasp. Just stay in God's Word!

November 16, 2006 5:48 AM  
Blogger judeandelise said...

Okay...first things first...Thanks for commenting on my WW. That is a very cool tree. There were some other cool ones called a live oak. We don't have them in Ohio (poo). So, I came to your blog and read your post. It is crazy...not your post but how things work out. This morning my hubby & I were just talking about conditional love and how it has effected my life and my reactions to others. Isn't it great how God leads us where we need to go. I know exactly how you are feeling - I've been there (ya know, the whole "I'm such a complete ass thing". We have something else in common...I have a degree in Psychology & I am a Henry Miller fan.

November 16, 2006 8:07 AM  
Blogger RedDragon'sAngel said...

good for you- HE knew that you had been having such a hard time and He made sure you knew that He is here and willing to carry you-be still and know... God bless- and good- don't forget- its very very important!! (smiles)

November 16, 2006 9:16 AM  
Blogger Adventures in Stepford said...

yay, i am glad for you! i hope He'll keep giving them to you and throw one my way this month. =)

and thank you for your oh-so-thoughtful comment on my difficult post this week. you are a cyberspace blessing.

November 16, 2006 9:43 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

I'm still praying for you guys. And you're so welcome. I tend to be a vulgar woman. I curse a lot; I'm confused a lot; I'm angry a lot; I'm frustrated a lot, but sometimes, the fog clears and the part of me-the one that is connected to God-emerges. I'm just so glad that it encouraged you. That God helped me to get the hell out of the way of myself and reach out to you through the distance and unfeeling-ness of the internet.

November 16, 2006 9:58 PM  

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