9.8.07

On Coming Up For Air

I thought I would post something today about what I'm reading in my little daily devotional book Beyond The Looking Glass: Daily Devotions for Overcoming Anorexia and Bulimia.

Phillipians 4: 11-13

I've learned to be content in whatever situation I'm in.
Phi 4:12 I know how to live in poverty or prosperity. No matter what the situation, I've learned the secret of how to live when I'm full or when I'm hungry, when I have too much or when I have too little.
Phi 4:13 I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.

It seems like I can never be content in whatever situation I find myself. I go in and out of disordered eating still even after trying to recover from it for 17 years. I stopped drinking; I stopped using, but I can't really give myself credit for those things because if I do, I'm afraid that I'll get complacent and fall back into that hole. I can't give myself credit for the little things I accomplish either for the same reason. The funny thing is: I am complacent. I have this bad habit of being very lazy in almost every aspect of my life. It takes me forever to make any change because I don't like change. It's scary to me even though a change in some areas would be a good thing. It's hard to change bad habits.

I want to be not complacent, but learn to be content in whatever situation I happen to be. That sounds like I'm being reactive instead of proactive, I know. I don't think being content is necessarily just letting things happen. I think it's that I have to accept that God is going work everything out for my benefit (whether it be a good situation or a bad situation; both can work for my betterment) and to just accept what he has for me and learn to be content with it.

I've been having so much anxiety lately due to work (or lack of) situations and whatnot that nearly every day I feel, at some point during the day, that my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. It just comes on unexpectedly. Sometimes, I can just be sitting somewhere and it just comes over me when I'm not even thinking about my money situation. I should know by now, after all these years, that God will take care of me. Why do I have to keep re-learning the same lessons? Why can't I remember? Why can't I trust? I think one of the reasons is that my perception of God is colored by my perception of my parents. You are supposed to be able to trust your parents, but I was never able to fully trust mine. It's like my mistrust of the people who were supposed to take care of me stands between me and God because I see God as that one person who always takes care of me. I trust sometimes and then sometimes I don't. God is not mutable. This is something that I need to keep telling myself over and over again.

It's so much easier to keep repeating the negative things, isn't it? Because that's what I'm familiar with.

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