7.5.05

Qu'est-ce-que tu faits?

I feel:: exhausted
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~Breakfast After 10

Where do I start? This past week has been so bad. Ryk broke up with me on Monday. I was pretty much numb for the rest of that day. I was online that night and he messaged me and was asking me if sometime in the future we might be able to get back together and if I still wanted him to go to church with me. I said,"I don't think that's going to be possible." He replied,"Oh? Why so?" I got angry in an instant and said,"Why do you want to know why? You just broke up with me. I don't even feel comfortable talking to you right now." He got really sad then and said,"I'm sorry if I'm being a problem." I didn't reply.

Tuesday I spent in bed. I only got up to go to the bathroom. I cried all day that day. I tried to watch Star Wars on my tv in my bedroom ( I love Star Wars.), but I couldn't. I would watch it for about 15 minutes, then turn it off, cry and fall asleep. I did actually get out of bed for a little while on Tuesday. I came into my computer room and tried to watch The Mummy Returns, but I kept bursting into tears, so I gave up and went back to bed.

Wednesday was pretty much the same. I stayed in bed all day. I did have the intention of going to church that night. Ryk called me that afternoon and told me that he had made a mistake breaking up with me and wanted to talk about getting back together. I said through tears, sniffles and hiccups,"When?" He said,"Tonight." I said,"I was planning on going to church tonight." He asked,"Will you come over after church?" I said I would. I slept some more after that and managed to get up and get ready to go to church. After service was over, I headed out to Ryk's place. When I got there, we sat on his sofa and talked for several hours. I told him I had talked to my mom earlier that day and that she had actually said some things that helped me (wonders never cease). I told him that I didn't think he had the understanding or the sensitivity to understand the things that have happened to me or the things that I'm going through now. I also told him that part of that was because of his youth. (Don't think I'm crazy for going out with a 22-year old.) I pointed out a couple of examples: One being the conversation we had where he said he thought gang bangs were normal behavior. I asked,"Why don't you know that it is a fucked up thing to do to say to a multiple rape and incest survior that you think that sort of behavior is normal? Not only that, but why don't you know that that sort of thinking is so skewed?" The second example I gave him was when he was asking me about the specific details of the rapes and he asked me things like,"What were you doing?","What were you wearing?" and "Do you remember anything about their penis sizes?" I said,"Why don't you know that those things have nothing to do with rape? Why don't you know how fucked up that is? Why did you want to know all the specific details anyway?" The whole time I was saying this, he sat on the other end of the sofa with his head down and didn't look at me. When I was finished, he raised his head and said he didn't realize how much those things had hurt me. I said,"There have been several other times during the course of our relationship when I've thought to myself,"Why did he say that to me? That is so fucked up. Why doesn't he know how fucked up that is?" (Like the time we had just finished having sex and he had just told me that I was the best sex partner he'd ever had and then told me that he thought big girls tried harder during sex because they don't get it as much and they want what they do get to be good, whereas thinner girls don't try as hard because they get sex more. I thought,"Why did he just say that to me? What does he mean by that? Is he talking about me?Does he think thinner girls are more attractive than bigger girls and he's only with me because he can't be with a thinner girl?" I didn't say anything though.) I told him that most of the time I get angry with him is due to some stupid shit that leaks out of his mouth. I asked him,"Do you think that you could think about what you are going to say before you say it? I monitor myself when I'm talking to you. I don't say things to you that I think will hurt you. For example, when you asked me the penis question, I could have rounded on you and called you a jackass for asking me that question, but instead I just asked you why you wanted to know." He said he would try to monitor what he says and that if he says something stupid that I should let him know right then. I replied,"Well, that makes me think that you think you can say or do whatever you want because I'll correct you when you fuck up. I'm not your mother, nor will I be your teacher. You have to monitor yourself, but from now on, I won't hold back on you when you say stupid stuff to me and you should not be surprised when I get angry." He lowered his eyes and then looked back at me and said,"Ok.That's fair."

We then started talking about God and our individual relationship with Him. I said,"If we are going to be together for the long term, I want to know that you love God more than you love me. I love God more than I love you." He said he understood that. He told me that he's been working on hanging out with God more and that he wanted to get back to where he used to be. I said,"Why do you want to be where you used to be? That obviously didn't work out for you because you are where you are now with God.You are angry with Him and you don't know Him anymore. Why don't you just focus on loving God and leave the rest to Him?" (He told me that he used to be the type of person that was in church every time the doors were open and that he always brought his friends to church with him and was always witnessing and such. I said,"But did you ever love God?" All I got was a blank stare for a reply.)

After that, we started talking about manipulation. Mainly his various ways of subversely trying to manipulate me. I quoted what he wrote in his Live Journal as one example,"I feel that the next couple of weeks may be hard for me,and i am unsure of what life holds for me--if indeed it does go on. So remember me when and if you pray." I said,"When you wrote,'if indeed it does go on', I thought you were thinking about killing yourself and I imagine that anyone else who read it thought the same thing. That is VERY manipulative and you know it is." He said,"I think you assume that I know some things that I don't. That's not what I meant by that statement." I raised an eyebrow and said,"I don't believe you." Then I brought up the several times he has pouted when I didn't want to have sex and his poutiness when I want to leave his apartment. He said,"Those things have NEVER worked on you, so it's not manipulative." I was incredulous and said,"Just because it doesn't work, doesn't mean that it's not you trying to manipulate me. Just because I don't show it doesn't mean I don't feel bad. The reason it has never worked is because I can recognize it for what it is: your attempt to manipulate me. I used to do that to my parents all the time when I was a child, it hardly ever worked, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't trying to manipulate them. When Xiana tries to get you to let her stay up past her bedtime and she cries and throws a fit, that's her trying to manipulate you. Just because it doesn't work, doesn't mean she's not trying to. That's wrong. That's manipulation." He sat quiet for a few minutes and then looked at me seriously and said,"I will never do that again."

After that, he asked me if I wanted to continue our relationship. At first, I said that I didn't think I could handle it what with being in therapy and all. I said,"You may never know what will trigger me. You could say,'fluffy bunny', and I might start to cry or get angry." I told him I didn't think it was fair to him to put him in that situation. He took my hands and looked at me squarely and said,"I love you. I have realized during the past few days that I can't live without you." I was quiet and thinking for a few minutes and then said,"Ok, this is what I can do. I can have a dating relationship with you. That means you call me or I call you to set up a date and we meet at a public place. No sex and no more staying over." He said that it was funny I should say that because it was what he had been thinking too. That was the end of that conversation. I had to leave to go to Tanya's. She said she was going to cook dinner for me. He didn't pout when I left. He walked me to my car and hugged me and told me that he loved me. He said he felt like the luckiest man alive because I had come back to him and that he would make sure that I didn't regret it.

Thursday was therapy day. I was exhausted. I didn't get up until 1pm. I lay in bed looking at the clock on my bedside table saying to myself,"Get up. Get up. Get up." I finally did and got to my therapy session on time. I told her what had happened and how I had reacted to all of it. She said,"You are really depressed, aren't you?" I said,"Yeah I am." I also told her that I felt better since Ryk and I had talked and that I mainly felt emotionally and physically exhausted from all of it. She asked me then when I was going to see him next. I said I didn't know, but that it would probably be Friday or Saturday. She said,"Are you really going to wait that long?" I thought,"Why is she asking me this?" I told her that I probably would wait that long because after therapy that day, I was going to go shopping with Tanya for a present for my mom for Mother's Day and after that we were going to hang out at her house and watch movies. We talked some more and she asked me another time when I was going to see him next. I told her the same thing and then added,"I'll probably just play it by ear." She said,"Does it make you feel better when you see him?" I thought for a minute and then replied,"Most of the time, yeah, it does." I thought again about why she was asking me that and why she would ask me twice. I didn't think too much more about it though and dropped the thought completely after a few minutes.

After therapy, Tanya and I ate at this awesome restaurant in Jacksonville called Thai Taste. I had Pad Thai, among other things. I just love Pad Thai. (They had a buffet. I hurt myself.) After that, we took our full bellies to McCain Mall and shopped for Mother's Day presents. I found my mom a pair of silver sea shell earrings and a necklace to match. I also got her a pretty green shirt with some kind of tribal design on the front done in pink sparklies. (I love to give presents more than I like to receive them, so I often go overboard when I buy gifts for people, even for my mom.) I bought myself two tank tops that were on sale for $7 each. One is pink with butterflies on it and the other is white with a big yellow sunflower painted on it. I also got myself a pink straw purse. I saw them on sale and I started thinking about the time when I had one as a teenager and how it always smelled of penny candy, gum and Jolly Ranchers. I got nostalgic. All told, I spent about $100. The things I got for my mom were the most expensive. Considering that I can drop like $600 at a time shopping, I thought I did pretty good. Tanya spent about that much though.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling like I had been beaten with a big stick. I was exhausted and achey all over. My hair hurt. Ryk called and wanted me to come over. He said he was going to get some dinner for the both of us and that he wanted to rent a movie. I told him that I would, but about 30 minutes later, I called him back and told him that I didn't think I was going to be able to leave the house that day. He said he would get the food and the movie and come to my house. He did. We watched 'Closer' and ate Arby's. After that, I laid a pillow on his legs and put my head there. He put a pillow by my knees and laid like that. We laid there for a couple of hours with him stroking my hair and talking.

I think Tanya is disappointed in me for getting back together with him. She didn't call me at all yesterday. I guess I don't blame her. Well, if it goes south again, it's only myself that I have to blame.

On a completely different note, I had a dream last night in which I was speaking both Spanish and French. I remember saying,"Qu'est que tu faits?" Then saying, "Te quiero."

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