16.5.05

Speaking Up

I feel:: lethargic
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Type O Negative~Cinnamon Girl

Saturday night Tanya took me to dinner at Thai Taste. It was wonderful. I couldn't eat much though. I wasn't even going to eat yesterday and then she called me and tempted me to go to dinner. I went to Ryk's after that. That was the day he had his kids. I love to see them. Xiana gave me a big kiss and Richard, when he saw me, ran to me on his stubby little legs and climbed into my lap and gave me his baby kiss. Xiana then blurted out,"We got you a birthday cake!" I didn't really know what she was talking about, but right then, Ryk walked out of the kitchen with a teeny birthday cake with a lit candle on the top. I haven't had a birthday cake since I was like 5 years old. He came toward me with it and I got all nervous and said,"But I don't know what to wish for." He said,"Whatever you want." So, I wished for happiness. I guess I'm not supposed to tell what I wished for. Oops. I guess I could've wished for money or something like that, but I know people who have a lot of money and most of them are miserable. My mother's uncle has tons of money and he got arrested several years ago for being part of a child pornography ring. My grandparents were filthy rich and they were terrible to each other. They were also raging alcoholic abusers and child molesters. Most of the people I have met who have lots of money are miserable. I don't want to be miserable. (That's just my own observation. It's really easy to make blanket statements with absolutely no proof.) But, I digress.

Ryk and I laid down in his bed to try to get Xiana to fall asleep and we wound up falling asleep with her between us. I woke up about 12:30 and headed out to Tanya's. She said she wanted me to help her with her computer. She doesn't have any software with which to resize pictures. I thought for sure she would have something on her computer. I thought,"Don't most computers come with Adobe Photoshop or something like that? Mine did." Well, hers didn't even though it's brand spanking new and has all the bells and whistles and an 80 gig hard drive. Mine is only 40. I don't think she will ever fill up the whole thing. I told her that I would try to burn my Adobe Photoshop onto a disc and give it to her. I don't know if it will work or not though.
I got to her house and the dogs ( a Yorkie and a Shitzu) attacked me with doggy kisses. She sat on her sofa for an hour and a half while I petted the dogs. She said she was trying to find pictures of this guy she's been talking to online. She was so obsessed with it. I would try to talk to her and she would interrupt me in the middle of my speaking to mutter curses about how she couldn't find the pictures. She was getting so frustrated. I told her if the computer was making her that frustrated, that she should turn it off and come back to it later. She didn't think that was a good idea. After that, I told her that I was sleepy and I was going to go home. I was tired of being ignored. She got upset because she thought it was because she had been on her computer for the entire time I had been there. It was partly that, but more so, it was because she was just so angry. She hit her little Shitzu, Sofie, with palm of her hand so hard that I heard the smack. She also cursed them a lot. I felt bad for them. She got so irritated just because they wanted to be near her. Her dogs love her so much. The follow her wherever she goes in her house. They jump on her when she comes home. Their favorite place to be is in her lap. Sofie has a habit of chewing up her shoes and Tanya was yelling at her for that, but at the time, she wasn't chewing any shoes. I told her it could be because she needs more attention from her. When I had my puppy, Shelby, that's what she did when she was feeling lonely. When Annie jumped up on the loveseat with her, she yelled and cursed at her for wanting to be on the sofa. In between being frustrated and yelling at her dogs, she bitched to me about how much she couldn't stand them. I couldn't stand to see her being that way. I guess if I had more guts, I could have told her that she was being mean, unfair and abusive. I guess I'm not a very good friend. I was just stunned that she was being like that. I thought about it on the entire 45 minute drive home. It bothered me. I wanted to cry because I know that she's miserable right now and there is nothing I can do to help her. She has to help herself. I realized today as I was thinking about last night, that I didn't even need to think about forgiving her anger because she's the closest thing I've ever had to a sister. I love her. Loving someone means loving all of them, not just the good parts. Now, I'm wondering what she has seen in me that hurts her. I have no doubt there are several things. Again, it's hard to look in the proverbial mirror of my soul and take an honest appraisal of what's there. It's so much easier to be in denial or just to put it away somewhere.

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