I Am The Doormouse

I feel:: hot
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Evanescence~Solitude

For the past three days I've had a killer headache. The first day, I had myself convinced that it was a sinus headache because I felt all this pressure right above my eyes, but it continued on and got so bad that night that I couldn't have any lights or any noise on. I laid in bed with the covers over my head. I couldn't even stand the street light coming in softly through my bedroom window. All day that day I had been nauseous. My dad took me to eat lunch (that was Wednesday) and afterwards when I was driving him to his doctor appointment, I thought I was going to vomit right there in the car. I wanted to go home and hide in my room, but I couldn't because after that, I had to go up to school to pay the downpayment to hold my summer classes. When I got to school and started walking across campus, I started to feel a bit better even though it was so hot. (It felt so good to walk in from the hot outside and into a frigid building. I love the feeling of cold air on my skin.) I still had the headache though. I called Tanya after I left campus and we met for coffee. I had two huge iced lattes. I thought all the caffeine would make my headache better. It just got worse. I sat there at the table talking to Tanya and all of the sudden she said,"Wow, your eyes are really swollen." I was surprised by this, but then I realized that my eyes did feel sort of weird. I went to the ladies and got a look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were very swollen. It reminded me of what I used to look like as a teenager when I smoked pot all the time. Stoned eyes. When I got back to the table, I told Tanya that I wanted to go home. She said she wanted to come with me, so we both got in my car and drove here. She wanted to see my new kitty. She's 7 weeks old and I've named her Mija (mi-ha). It's Spanish for 'my daughter'. (mi ija) It's an endearment.
Here's a couple of pictures of my new baby:

Mija just wakes up

Mija poses for the camera

I have two other cats: Silver (female) and Little Bit (male). Here are some pictures of them:

Silver loves to hang out in the sink

My computer kitty

Little Bit and Silver snuggling

Little Bit gives me knee love

We got to my house and I put The Phantom of the Opera in the dvd player and fell into my bed. Tanya did as well. Not even halfway through the movie, I fell asleep. I laid down because my head was hurting so badly. Then I remember putting my hand on my forehead. (My forehead was cold and clammy, but my hand was warm. That felt so good.) I then closed my eyes and thought to myself,"I'll just lay here like this for a little bit and see if my headache goes away." The next thing I remember was being awakened by Tanya and her poking me in the leg saying,"Hey! Does he die? Are you asleep?" I sat up abruptly and immediately my headache was back to torture me some more.

I drove Tanya back to her car after the movie was over, then I went to Ryk's. He had bought me some ice cream. Joyous day. It was Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Therapy. (That's my new favorite.) I sat in the dark on his bed and ate the entire pint. (oink) After that, I laid down in his bed and covered my head with the comfortor. He came upstairs and turned on his computer which hurt my head something fierce. Then, he turned on music, which made me feel like I was going to be sick. I asked him to turn everything off which he did. He laid down with me and rubbed my neck for awhile, which felt really nice. We eventually fell asleep. I woke up at about 2am and told him that I was going to go home. My head didn't hurt at first when I got up, but when I walked downstairs into the light, there it was again.

Thursday was therapy day, but I didn't really want to go. I still had that damned headache. It had made me so nauseous that I couldn't eat anything that day. I managed to pull myself out of bed to make it to my therapy appt a bit early. While I was getting ready to go, I was perusing through my closet trying to find a pair of jeans or capris to wear. I tried on about 4 different pair and they were all too small. As I took the last pair off in disgust I kicked them across the room cursing my body. I told myself,"You are such a fat cow." It was also very hot that day and my dad hadn't turned on the air conditioning which further irritated me. When I'm hot, I really feel my body and how much I hate it. When I'm sweating and trying to get dressed at the same time, it really makes me feel fat. I finally found something to wear and started driving to my appt. I was so angry and just generally irritated with everything. I started to wonder why I was so angry. Why were these little things getting to me so much? I realized that it might be that my eating disorder is starting up again. I haven't been eating much lately, not counting the three days when I had trouble eating because of my headache. Also, I feel like my dad is constantly standing over me watching everything I do. He does a lot for me, but then he holds it over my head as a form of control. That makes me angry. I hate feeling fat and I hate being hot. That was a trigger for my eating disorder. Not to mention that I was already in a bad mood because I had to get out of bed and go to therapy with my head pounding. Ann took one look at me and said,"Are you sick? You look really pale." So, I told her about my two-day headache and that I thought it was a tension headache because it started in my shoulders and neck. She said,"I'm worried about you. Who has a tension headache for two days?" I was on a rant all through my session telling her how irritated and angry I was. I told her that I had been having trouble eating and that my skin picking was getting worse. She said,"I was afraid that would happen." She cut therapy short by 15 minutes because I felt so bad. I couldn't go home right away though. I had to go by the pharmacy to pick up my allergy medicines and antidepressant refills. I got to drive home in rush hour traffic. That was fun. When I finally got home, I fell into my bed again and just slept forever.

Yesterday was pretty much the same as Thursday except I didn't leave the house yesterday. My headache again. Ryk called me sometime last night and wanted to take me to see Kingdom of Heaven. I told him I would go, but I fell asleep again. I was trying to get my head to quit hurting. He called me at about 8:30 (the movie started at 9:25) and asked me where I was. I had to tell him that I fell asleep. I felt so bad about that. Yes. I am a bad girlfriend. I shouldn't have told him I would go having that headache and all. I really, really wanted to get out of the house though. I guess I figured I could just suck it up and go. Finally my dad told me last night that he had this prescription medication that he got from our family doctor for his headaches called Esgic-Plus. I took one and cautiously hoped that I wouldn't vomit or get dizzy as those were two of the side effects I read about on the paperwork that came with the medicine. I always experience side effects from medicine. Well, about 30 minutes later, I was sitting in my tv chair reading when I suddenly realized that my head didn't hurt. I couldn't believe it. After that, I was in an excellent mood for the rest of the night. I was just so relieved not to be in pain.

Backing up a bit, Monday I went to see my mother. It's about a two hour drive from here to there. I enjoyed it. She lives way up in the mountains and some of the scenery is just breathtaking. Ozark Mountains. Some of the people who live there are just ummmm....scary. I brought her the Mother's Day presents I had bought. I got her a pair of silver and seashell earrings with a necklace to match. I also got her a pretty green shirt with a tribal design on the front done in pink sparkly things. She loved it. After I gave them to her, she immediately went to her bedroom and put all of it on and wore it for the rest of the day. She said she felt pretty. I was glad. We went to Wal-Mart later on that day and she bought The Phantom of the Opera dvd and the soundtrack of it on cd. It wasn't until we were walking back to my car that she told me those were my birthday presents. (My birthday is this Wednesday.) I thought that was cool. After we got back to her house, I started playing with the little kitty she had in a carrier. I asked her why she had the cat in there and she said she was fostering it for the Humane Society and that she had already found homes for the two others she had that came from the same litter. I just fell in love with her, so I brought her home with me. Mija.

So, the time I spent with my mom was good. I was pleasantly surprised. Maybe things are going to get better between us. I hope so.

It's now about 3:30pm. I've been up since 6am and I have eaten nothing so far today. I have had two really large cups of coffee. Not that that counts for food or anything. I ate a 6-inch steak sub last night, but that's all I had yesterday. I need to start keeping up with my food intake. It's only when I can see it on the page that I realize just how bad my eating habits are.
I was reading back a few entries and found another one where I said I felt numb and couldn't get in touch with my feelings. I haven't had any more memories lately. I guess that's just being numb again. It's hard to face my feelings and memories. It's hard to look at myself and see the hard truth.

Oh yeah, I made a South Park me. Thanks Gabe.


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