11.4.03

My heart ripped out again and it was so deliciously painful.

I feel:: indescribable
What song is on a loop right now:: Blue October~Amazing

I just got back from seeing Blue October and I cried like a baby during "Amazing", "Quiet Mind"(I think that's the name of the song.), and the last number they did during their encore really got me. He always reaches inside of me and grabs my heart.... I feel like I can't breathe. He searches until he finds my weakness and he pulls it out of me. It is so painful and so delicious at the same time. He makes me think a lot about my life and about my influence on others. God, I feel like I've been at church. Let me just say that this was on my mind during the drive home.

We all want to be loved.
We all want to be accepted for who we are.
We want to hide the ugly things about ourselves because those things aren't loveable. They make us unworthy. Don't they?
Pain can be beautiful.
I don't ever want to not feel. I don't ever want to shut myself down emotionally again. The bad emotions as well as the good ones are beautiful and they make me beautiful. They are a part of me. They mold me and shape me.
I don't want to ever wish for anything again because if my life were the way I think it should be, I would never feel anything. I would also never be satisfied. I would be bored.
The act of holding someone who is in genuine pain makes their pain course through my body like a current. I can feel them.

I wish that I could stay up longer and think of more things to write, but it's late and I have class later on this morning. I need a little sleep anyway.

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