30.5.03

What Freaked Me Out Last Night

I feel:: sick
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~Razor Blade

Ok, first of all, Laney,Anita,Sally, and I went to see Dope last night at Juanita's. Sally had to go to her classes after work yesterday, so she got there late, but she did get to see all of Dope. The first band was Zug Island, they were from Detroit. I didn't care for them too much. They were ok, just not very polished. They sounded like a garage band from high school. Well, Dope was better. I went up front with Lanie and she was taking pictures. We were right in the front row. Of course, the crowd wasn't very big, so it wasn't that hard to get to the front. The guys in Dope are kind of freaky, well, the guys from Zug Island were pretty freaky too. We hung out at Juanita's for a little while after the show was over. They didn't play very long. It was only like 10 till 11 when they stopped playing. So, we had some drinks and just talked and stuff.

Sally left and Jesse left. Anita, Laney, Nick and I went to Midtown to hang out and have some more drinks. The guys from both bands were over there and I watched them hang out and be all crazy and everything. They just wanted to get laid mainly. They would hang out with one girl and then she would leave and another girl would take her place. I thought about hanging out with them, but I didn't want to be just another notch in someone's belt. I don't get on well with men who just want to get laid. I find that extremely shallow. I don't care if they are famous. Well, Anita was hanging out with Nick, which I thought was weird, because Anita is in her fifties and Nick is 24. Ummmm that was so weird to me. Well, Anita introduced me to this friend of hers named Juan. He is from Venezuela which was cool with me because I speak Spanish and I thought he was cute. He kissed the top of my hand and asked me if I wanted to sit down. He bought me a drink and we sat and talked for awhile. He eventually invited me back to his apt. He said that he was going to cook me breakfast. I told him right after he asked me over that I wasn't going to have sex with him if I went over to his apt. He looked at me all incredulous and was all,"Why not? Are you a born-again Christian or something?" I was all,"Yeah. I'm not going to have sex again until I get married. That's just the way that I prefer to be." So, he wigged out on me and actually got up from the table and left for several minutes. Well, he eventually came back to the table and was all,"I've decided that I'm ok with that." I was like,"Well, that's good to know." That was a very sarcastic comment, but I think that my sarcasm was lost on him. So, eventually we left and I followed him to his apt. On the way there, I was thinking about what this situation could turn out to be. I've been raped several times and I thought that if things start to get dicey that I would just leave. So, I was pretty nervous. We finally got to his apt and he was all,"I don't really live here. I'm watching this place for my cousin because she's out of town. I have a really big house on Chenal." I was like,"Whatever." I thought to myself,"Yeah right, you have a big, nice house on Chenal, but you drive a busted up old Oldsmobile with no tags." So, I was like, "Are you going to cook me breakfast or what?" He was all,"Yeah, baby! Yeah, what do you want? Do you want a chicken pot pie?" I was all,"A chicken pot pie? I thought you were going to cook for me?" He was all, "These are really good." So, whatever, I was really freakin hungry so I was all sure. So, he put the thing in the oven and then made drinks. He said they were Cosmopolitans. Whatever they were they were pretty nasty. Too much vodka in them.

So, I think he thought he was getting me drunk. He proceeds to tell me that I needed to get comfortable. Like take my boots off and my corset off and such. I wasn't complaining about taking my boots off. Those things have 6 inch platforms on them and after awhile start to hurt, but I was not about to get myself undressed. So he's complaining about me not being comfortable and sat himself down on the sofa beside me. We kissed a litte and he started getting all handsy and I was like, "Don't do that."

He was all,"Why I just want to pleasure you." I was like,"Well, I appreciate the sentiment but you can find some other way to please me." Then he was all trying to give me a back massage and asked me to take off my clothes, I was like,"Well, if you were a good enough masseuse, I wouldn't need to take off my clothes." So, he kept on and on ad nauseum about me getting naked. Finally, I got mad and was going to leave and he was like,"Why are you mad, baby? Why are you leaving?" I said,"I'm mad because I already told you what was and was not going to happen here tonight and I don't appreciate you constantly badgering me to do something that I already told you that I wasn't going to do." He's all,"I don't need to have sex with you. I had sex two days ago. I'm a sexually satisfied man. I don't understand why you don't want me to see your body. I don't go out with women based only on their looks. I used to party with Shakira and believe me she is hot, so I want you to know that I don't like you for the way that you look." So, I'm thinking this is supposed to make me not mad at you? Ok, so we sit back down on the sofa and start talking. He says to me,"You are so beautiful. You are like a fairy tale. I don't think you realize how beautiful you are. You remind me of this woman I know who lives in Spain and is from Venezuela. She is a musician and so talented. She has the same hair as you only her's is dark and you are both chubby." I caught that, but I didn't say anything. Then, several moments later he asks me if I'm Jewish, I say,"No, I already told you that I'm a Christian" He said,"Oh, I just ask because you have the big nose and all." I'm thinking what the fuck is he trying to do? The insults keep on and on and he said them in such a casual way that I think he didn't think that I noticed. He must have thought all of my brains had leaked into my boobs. I don't know why I didn't leave right then. I guess I'm a glutton for abuse.

Well, long story short (too late), he kept on and on and on trying to get me to get naked. I knew that he was thinking that once I took my clothes off and he got me in a compromising situation that I would change my mind about having sex with him. We had moved to the bedroom and he was all,"Take you clothes off. Get comfortable. I want to give you a back massage." I as like,"No, I already told you that I wasn't going to do that." He put his arm over me as I was trying to get up and pushed me back down on the bed and I started to freak out. This has happened to me before. So I try to sit up again and he pushes me down again, so I take his arm and forcefully push him off the bed onto the floor.I walked out of the bedroom while he was collecting himself from off the floor and I was all,"I'm leaving." and he was like,"Why are you mad?" (Clueless piece of shit) I was putting on my boots and he was like,"Why are you leaving? You are just going to leave?" I was like,"Yeah." He was like,"Why do you not want me to see your body?" I said,"I don't have to justify what I do or don't do to you. And if you don't understand my reasons for the things I do that 's too bad. It's my way or no way." He said,"Ohhhh miss Psychology major has body issues. You are so immature and you are such joke. You will never make anything of yourself. You are so insecure and rude." He kept on and on insulting me while I was putting my boots on and I walked out the door and he stood on the landing of his apt calling down insults to me the whole time I was walking to my car.

I started driving home and I was thinking about everything that he had said and it just really hit me hard. It's like he knew just what to say to me in order to make me really hurt. I cried and cried and started hearing those old voices again, dammit. They were telling me to cut myself and to kill myself. I guess everything has been pretty bad lately and I was just vulnerable last night. I mean, I don't think I deserve to be attacked and verbally and emotionally abused by some dickhead who is throwing a temper tantrum just because he can't get some poonanny when he wants it. I know emotional and verbal abuse when it is inflicted upon me, I've had enough of it to be familiar with how it makes me feel. I just keep blaming myself for last night. Am I a stupid cunt for going over there and putting up with all of that bullshit? I never should have left with him in the first place. Now, I feel like I'm just a piece of shit whose only purpose in life is to provide sex and to be some sort of arm trophy. Do men take a class on how to hurt women? Geeze. Ok, I am a stupid girl for doing that. At least I stood my ground and got out of there before things got out of hand, because they would have if I had not left when I did.

So, that's why I posted what I did on my last post.

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