26.5.03

I'm So Fucking Stressed

I feel:: crazy
The voices in my head are at it again. It's too loud to think properly.

Black Cat is in the Emergency Vet Hospital and last night when I took him there, they did a radiograph and they found this huge mass in his abdomen. The lady vet said she thinks it's probably cancer on acct. of his age. Fucking great. I cried so much yesterday. So, I told them to put him on iv fluids and flush out his kidneys until I could get him to his regular vet and find out what the fuck that mass is. He is in renal failure that's why he got so sick. I want to know why no one at his regular vet ever mentioned anything about a mass in his stomach that is as big as fucking kiwi fruit. God damnit, I'm so fucking pissed off at them right now. The god damn vet didn't even call me when his fucking lab work came in. His regular vet said that he thought that mass was a hardened stool. If I had known he was in fucking renal failure I could have done something sooner instead of letting him suffer for like 6 days. I feel so bad about that. Like I should have known what was wrong with him. So, on Tuesday morning I have to go and get him at 7am. The thing is, I also have to take my dad to his dr. appt. at 6:30, then go to Maumelle, get Black Cat, take him back to Benton, talk to the vet there, go back to Little Rock, get dad from his dr. appt., then go back to the fucking vet in Benton. He needs a biopsy on that mass. I think the mass is what is causing the renal failure and if the mass is removed, his kidneys might start working again.

Sally and Tanya wanted to do something with me tonight, but I'm so stressed and depressed that I can't even leave the house. I feel so brittle, like I'm about to fall apart. I need a god damn drink. I need to relax. I've been shaking all day, I can't control it. Fucking blood sugar is out of whack because of the stress. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I guess I was always crazy on the inside, now it's on the outside.
Hahahahahaha it is to laugh. I can't even eat. I'm so freakin nauseous. I'M FUCKING FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think there are enough curse words in the world to describe what I'm feeling right now.

And to make matters worse I fucking miss Erik. Fucker. Sometimes, I wish I'd never met him.

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