Retitled: Seeking Opinions and Assurances that I Haven't Gone Off Into Left Field Somewhere

I feel:: contemplative
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Rammstein~Heirate Mich

I decided to rejoin a Christian message board that I've been absent from for awhile. Not their fault. Mine, totally. I was going through a period where I didn't have an ounce of patience and I thought it would be better for me not to vent my anger there, but instead, vent it here. (Aren't y'all glad? hehe) Anyway, today I posted a reply to a thread that asked the question: Should Women Be In Ministry? Here's what I wrote. You guys tell me what you think and whether or not I'm making sense. I realize it's really long, but so are most of my posts, so y'all should be used to that by now. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a little something I was thinking about while reading this thread. Preacherman777 quoted this Scripture:
1Ti 2:13 After all, Adam was formed first, then Eve.
1Ti 2:14 Besides that, Adam was not deceived. It was the woman who was deceived and sinned. (italics mine)

When I read that, I remembered reading somewhere that the "Fall of Man" was referred to as the "Sin of Adam" because it was Eve who was deceived, but when Adam found her fallen, he had to make a choice between doing what he knew was wrong (i.e. eating the fruit) and choosing to follow his wife's actions or choosing instead to do what he knew God wanted. Thinking on this, I searched and found this Scripture:
Rom 5:14 Yet, death ruled from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin in the same way Adam did when he disobeyed. Adam is an image of the one who would come. (italics mine)

I'm not saying that Eve didn't sin. She did, but so did Adam and to suggest that the reason women shouldn't pastor because Eve was a sinner sort of hits me the wrong way. They both sinned.
Gen 3:16 He said to the woman, "I will increase your pain and your labor when you give birth to children. Yet, you will long for your husband, and he will rule you."
Gen 3:17 Then he said to the man, "You listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree, although I commanded you, 'You must never eat its fruit.' The ground is cursed because of you. Through hard work you will eat food that comes from it every day of your life.
Gen 3:18 The ground will grow thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat wild plants.
Gen 3:19 By the sweat of your brow, you will produce food to eat until you return to the ground, because you were taken from it. You are dust, and you will return to dust."

Even when God confronted them about it, knowing that He knows everything, they still couldn't own up to what they did. Adam blamed his wife, Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent.
Gen 3:7 Then their eyes were opened, and they both realized that they were naked. They sewed fig leaves together and made clothes for themselves.
Gen 3:8 In the cool of the evening, the man and his wife heard the LORD God walking around in the garden. So they hid from the LORD God among the trees in the garden.
Gen 3:9 The LORD God called to the man and asked him, "Where are you?"
Gen 3:10 He answered, "I heard you in the garden. I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid."
Gen 3:11 God asked, "Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat fruit from the tree I commanded you not to eat from?"
Gen 3:12 The man answered, "That woman, the one you gave me, gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."
Gen 3:13 Then the LORD God asked the woman, "What have you done?" "The snake deceived me, and I ate," the woman answered.

Paul does say in 1 Timothy 2:12 that he would not allow a woman to have authority over a man,but he also said some other things. Notice this:
1Ti 2:11 A woman must learn in silence, in keeping with her position.
1Ti 2:12 I don't allow a woman to teach or to have authority over a man. Instead, she should be quiet. (italics mine)

Now, what I'm wondering is this: If we are to believe what Paul says here: "I don't allow a woman to teach or to have authority over a man" and apply it to our lives today, should we not apply the other things also? To those who say that women should be in ministry, but should not preach, how do you reconcile this? It seems like a contradiction to me to say that women can't preach, but can be in ministry. It also seems to me that if a person is going to go by the letter of the bible, then all the letters should be followed. Not just some of them. It is my understanding and what I've been taught that you can't decide which part of the bible to believe and apply and which you don't like and don't want to apply.

Don't get me wrong, here, I fully support women in ministry. I've been in ministry for a long time myself. And what about these verses in Colossians?
Col 3:10 and you've become a new person. This new person is continually renewed in knowledge to be like its Creator.
Col 3:11 Where this happens, there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, uncivilized person, slave, or free person. Instead, Christ is everything and in everything.

A few verses down, there is also this:
Col 3:18 Wives, place yourselves under your husbands' authority. This is appropriate behavior for the Lord's people.
Col 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and don't be harsh with them.
Also in Ephesians:
Eph 5:21 Place yourselves under each other's authority out of respect for Christ. (italics mine)
Eph 5:22 Wives, place yourselves under your husbands' authority as you have placed yourselves under the Lord's authority.
Eph 5:23 The husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. It is his body, and he is its Savior.
Eph 5:24 As the church is under Christ's authority, so wives are under their husbands' authority in everything.
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. (italics mine)

Wives clearly are meant to submit themselves to their husbands and their husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it. Wives and husbands are both to be submitted to God and to serve each other. After all, Christ did not come to be served, but to serve.
Mat 20:27 Whoever wants to be most important among you will be your slave.
Mat 20:28 It's the same way with the Son of Man. He didn't come so that others could serve him. He came to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many people."


What I'm wondering at this moment is whether or not God meant for there to be a difference between a woman submitting herself to her husband, which I agree is the Godly thing to do, and submitting herself to all men, which I think can easily be construed from Scripture but which I also believe is in error. Especially considering the verses I just posted from Colossians 3.

It is my understanding that we all must submit ourselves to Christ and in Christ, there is no difference. I mean, when eternity comes and our souls are freed from these earthly shells and we have our resurrected bodies, will there be man and woman? Or will we just all be children of God? I just have these last verses to post regarding the questions I just asked and then I'll cease. For now, anyway.

Mat 22:23 On that day some Sadducees, who say that people will never come back to life, came to Jesus. They asked him,
Mat 22:24 "Teacher, Moses said, 'If a man dies childless, his brother should marry his widow and have children for his brother.'
Mat 22:25 There were seven brothers among us. The first married and died. Since he had no children, he left his widow to his brother.
Mat 22:26 The second brother also died, as well as the third, and the rest of the seven brothers.
Mat 22:27 At last the woman died.
Mat 22:28 Now, when the dead come back to life, whose wife will she be? All seven brothers had been married to her."
Mat 22:29 Jesus answered, "You're mistaken because you don't know the Scriptures or God's power.
Mat 22:30 When people come back to life, they don't marry. Rather, they are like the angels in heaven. (italics mine)

We Now Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

I feel:: awake
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: I was listening to Tori Amos when I went to bed.

It's amazing what a couple of Klonopin, hours of prayer and crying, and about 4 hours of sleep will do for a person's mood and outlook.

I'm ok now. I think.

I'm going back to bed. I'm just pretending to be awake.

Excuse Me While I Scourge Myself

I feel:: sad
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October, of course.

Mat 5:1 When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up a mountain and sat down. His disciples came to him,
Mat 5:2 and he began to teach them:
Mat 5:3 "Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them.
Mat 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn. They will be comforted.
Mat 5:5 Blessed are those who are gentle. They will inherit the earth.
Mat 5:6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for God's approval. They will be satisfied.
Mat 5:7 Blessed are those who show mercy. They will be treated mercifully.
Mat 5:8 Blessed are those whose thoughts are pure. They will see God.
Mat 5:9 Blessed are those who make peace. They will be called God's children.
Mat 5:10 Blessed are those who are persecuted for doing what God approves of. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them.

I've been asked to be in the leadership of my church. This happened yesterday. Yesterday, I thought it was a good idea. Today, I don't. It's not that I don't want to serve. I do. I just don't think I'm fit for ministry. I'm not humble enough. (Now I feel like Moses telling God that I can't serve him because I can't speak well. Now I feel like I'm making excuses.) I'm afraid that I don't rely on him enough. Dammit, I fall to pieces just trying to take care of myself.
It seems like lately there have been a lot of people relying heavily on me and it's not that I mind, it's just that it makes me so, so sad. It's not like I don't go around inserting myself into my friends lives when they are in trouble. I want to be there. I want to help. Suddenly, I feel like the sadness of the world is on me. I feel like there is not enough I can do and I will never be able to do enough. I'm so confused and I'm doubting myself so much. I take 80mgs of Prozac a day, which is the highest dosage you can go on Prozac, 2 0.5mg pills of Klonopin a day and I see two Psychiatrists. What kind of help am I? I'm so fucked up there should be a picture of me in the DSM right next to the entry: Chronic Severe Depression. What kind of a person am I? What are my motives for doing the things I do? Is it really for God or is it for myself so that I can make myself feel better? God-fucking-dammit. Why does everything have to go into the shitter at the same time?

(More for myself than anything. If y'all don't want to read all this feel free to skip it. Right now, I feel like I can only hold on to God because everything else is so slippery.)
Romans 8:1
Rom 8:1 So those who are believers in Christ Jesus can no longer be condemned.

Matthew 10:38-39
Mat 10:38 Whoever doesn't take up his cross and follow me doesn't deserve to be my disciple.
Mat 10:39 The person who tries to preserve his life will lose it, but the person who loses his life for me will preserve it.

Matthew 16:25-26
Mat 16:25 Those who want to save their lives will lose them. But those who lose their lives for me will find them.
Mat 16:26 What good will it do for people to win the whole world and lose their lives? Or what will a person give in exchange for life?

Romas 1:17
Rom 1:17 God's approval is revealed in this Good News. This approval begins and ends with faith as Scripture says, "The person who has God's approval will live by faith."

Hebrews 4:12-15
Heb 4:12 God's word is living and active. It is sharper than any two-edged sword and cuts as deep as the place where soul and spirit meet, the place where joints and marrow meet. God's word judges a person's thoughts and intentions.
Heb 4:13 No creature can hide from God. Everything is uncovered and exposed for him to see. We must answer to him.
Heb 4:14 We need to hold on to our declaration of faith: We have a superior chief priest who has gone through the heavens. That person is Jesus, the Son of God.
Heb 4:15 We have a chief priest who is able to sympathize with our weaknesses. He was tempted in every way that we are, but he didn't sin.
Heb 4:16 So we can go confidently to the throne of God's kindness to receive mercy and find kindness, which will help us at the right time.

Well, at least it's Spring Break this week.

Lil' Bit and Silver Snuggling

P.S. Snuggling is good. Very good.

For Those Who Like To "Go" With A View

I feel:: amused
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~A Quiet Mind

I came across this entry in the Live Journal community: Found Objects posted. I just had to post it here because I've never seen anything like it before and I think it's hysterical. Wouldn't you feel like a god if you were sitting there doing your business? I think I would feel like I was on Mt. Olympus.



Complete with lid, rim and privacy rock.

Dear God~Make Me Into A Bird So I Can Fly Far, Far Away

I feel:: enraged
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~Weaknesses

Schizophrenic God in the Form of Toxic Father Speaks Out of Two Sides of His Mouth (Revised)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His pity.
"I love you because you are completely degenerate with no chance of recovery."
His teaching.
"I am perfect. Can't you see that?
Mold yourself to me to show me that you love me."
"Emulate me."
His patience.
"Your very existence is exasperating to me."
His control.
"Be good because I love you."
"Be quiet and invisible, because I don't want to be embarrassed of you."
He says, "Don't rock the boat. Conform."
His encouragement.
"Of course, I'll always help you. Just remember when you fail
at school
in love
in independence of life,
I'll be here for you to remind you of what a failure you are
because I love you."
His concern.
"You know you can't survive for long on your own."
"You need someone to take care of you."
"You need to get married."
His absolute authority.
"Don't question me."
"Because I said so."
"God wants it that way."
His help.
"You live like a pig."
"You're room is disgusting."
His lust.
"It smells like sex in here. Have you been having sex in here?"
"You stink."
"Have you bathed lately?"
"The dress is pretty, but you look like a slut."
"You are finally growing hips, but your butt is getting bigger."
"Are you sure you're sick? Maybe you're pregnant."
His love.
"She's not mine. I picked her up on the side of the road."
---------------------
I hate you.
I love to hate you.
I relish it like some good,dark chocolate.
You owe me
years,
my self-esteem,
love.
An apology for all the times you
discouraged me,
choked me,
hit me,
emasculated me,
made me feel that my body was dirty and pornographic,
made me feel like I would never be good enough for anyone or anything,
were silent when you should have spoken words of gentleness,
avoided me,
were sickenly arrogant and callous,
were unrepentant and unapologetic,
didn't take responsiblity for your culpability
will never be forthcoming.
I hate you.
The fact that you continue to breathe
makes me hate you even more.
I should have shot you when I had the chance.

The First Poem I've Written In About Two Years

I feel:: crushed
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: No music. I can't sleep again. I'm fucking frustrated.

The Neurons are firing and Singing along the Nodes of Ranvier and The Synaptic Gap is full of Serotonin. In Short: Prozac Speaks.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I am not you.
Please try to remember this
as I remember that you
are not me.
I don't think the way you do.
I don't reason the way you do.
I don't act in the same ways you do.
I am not you.
Please try to remember this
as I try to remember that I am not you.
The things I do for myself or to myself
you may not understand,
but please try to remember that
I am not you
just as you are not me.
Please validate my feelings
and my experiences
when I trust you enough to reveal them to you.
Otherwise, you leave me feeling as though there is something wrong with me.
As if I should be you.
Please don't judge me because I'm vulnerable.
Please don't judge my failings.
I judge myself enough.
Please don't tell me that I can will myself to get better.
When I hear you say that it makes me feel like everything I've just said is not important to you,
because you were only waiting your turn to speak.
Would you tell a person who is waiting for a kidney transplant to will themselves better?
Would you tell a person who has terminal cancer to will themselves better?
Would you tell a paraplegic that they could will themselves to move their body again?
This thing that plagues me; this thorn in my mind will never go away.
I don't need to be fixed.
I need to survive.
You have achieved great things in your life by
overcoming your past and enduring the present
by sheer force of will.
Know this and please remember it:
My will is just as strong,
but different.
My faith in God is even stronger.
I will know and remember that I can be separate from and
not lost in you as I once was.
That is why I ask you with so much pain
with so much fear
with so much hope:
Please don't try to lead me and
please don't follow me.
Please just accept me.
Please just love me as I have loved you.
Please try to understand.
I am not you.
I am not you.
I am not you.
I am not you.
I am not you.

Ribbons Undone

I feel:: sick
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~Witness

So, I went to bed at around 12:30 with a headache bordering on migraine. I took one of dad's wonderful headache pills ( I freakin' love those things.) and went straight to bed. I had no trouble falling asleep. I must have been completely asleep a few minutes after my head hit the pillow. I woke up at 4:30am with the same headache I went to bed with only now it's worse and I can't get to those heavenly pills because dad is asleep and he keeps them in his bathroom and his bathroom is connected to his bedroom. 800mg of Ibuprofen, some Cheddar Chex Mix and one glass of Vanilla Soy Milk later I'm sitting here writing this all out waiting for the Ibuprofen to kick in so my head will quit feeling like it's being squeezed in a vice by a very large and very muscular someone. And I was sleeping so well.

Tori is singing to me in her sweet and painful way. The power of orange knickers under my petticoat.

For 3 days last week, I had very vivid dreams of an old friend of mine. We met in elementary school and hated each other. He was always bugging me and I was always telling on him. So, consequently, he got to miss a lot of recesses. In my early twenties, we dated for awhile-my first serious emotional attatchment. So, back to the dreams...I kept dreaming that he was sick, or in trouble or that something was terribly wrong. I worried and wrung hands for three days wondering whether or not I should attempt to contact him. Monday, I did, but I had to call his parent's house. I can only imagine what his parents thought when they heard some strange woman's voice on their answering maching saying that she was looking for their son because she wanted to make sure he was ok. I left my phone number, though, so they wouldn't think I was some kind of random freak. (Well, I am kind of freaky, but not like that. You know what I mean.) I honestly didn't know whether or not I would hear back from him, but on that same afternoon he called and instead of "Hey it's....." or "Hi, it's.....", he said, "Guess who?" I was all, "Oh my God! Can I call you back in like 5 minutes?" (Keep in mind we haven't talked to or seen each other in like 10 years.) He sounded dubious, but said that would be ok. It so happened that at that moment, I was talking to a realtor. On the spur of the moment, (Cuz you guys know I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-girl. Right? I know what you're thinking. Shut up.) I saw the most interesting house and I just had to call the realtor to have a look at it. I had a therapy appt. 45 mins. from then, but I really, really wanted a gander at this house. At the moment he called, I was standing on the front lawn of said house, having already looked it over thoroughly, and was just saying my good-byes to the nice realtor lady.

So, when I got in my car and called him back, I was a bundle of nerves. I mean, how do say to someone, "So, unrelated to anything else in my life, I've been having these terrible dreams about you. Ummm....are you ok?" Especially to someone that you haven't seen for a decade. He took it pretty well, though. I guess he remembered that I'm just odd. (He told me later on that night when we were talking on the phone that I was the most sane and grounded person he'd ever met and that if I really was crazy, then the rest of humanity was "fucking insane". That got a good snort of laughter from me.) The funny thing is that my dreams were right. There is something terribly wrong in his life. I won't go into it here, because it's his story to tell, but suffice it to say the emotional pain fairy has been working overtime.

It's weird to be talking to him again, but not in a bad way. It just feels to me like there has been no time elapsed. It's like we just picked up where we left off. (When we last spoke, I was living in Maumelle with Tanya as my roomate and Erik as my on-and-off-again bed partner/roomate, which made me feel really crazy. Won't do to go into that now, though) Crazy, isn't it? I guess that's just the way it is with someone you've known the majority of your life?

My head fucking hurts.

The good news is that my Psychiatrist upped my Prozac dosage to 80mgs per day. When she asked me if I was anxious about it, I said enthusiastically, "No! Maybe now I can get some laundry done." She laughed. Hopefully, I can get my sleep schedule back to it's somewhat normative state. I hate being an insomniac. At the same time, though, I hate it when I sleep too much because I feel like I'm missing out on my life.

I'm going to try to go back to sleep now, even though I have to get up in a few hours so I can drive an hour and half to bum-fuck Fordyce just to get my car serviced. I hate that drive. Come to think of it, right now, I hate most everything don't I?

I Am Turning Into An Insomniac

I feel:: awake

I can't sleep. I can't seem to turn off my mind. I tried praying. Sad to say, but that always used to put me right to sleep. I realize that that is not the purpose of prayer, but anyway it worked better than watching an episode of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. When I would wake up the next morning, I would just pick up praying where I left off the night before.

I was praying for johnny_panic and then for Marshall and then for myself. I am convicted on the issue of tithing. So, I asked God to teach me the value of the tithe; what it really means; and to help me to give what is required of me without begrudging it. You know, I can drop some serious money on clothes, shoes, cds, and dvds, but when it comes to tithing I become like a miser. It's because I'm selfish and I admitted this to God in prayer freely and asked Him to forgive me for it. Then, I got to thinking, "I've just asked God to teach me the value of the tithe. That's like asking for patience. Now, I'm really in for it. He's going to give me this hard lesson and I'm not going to like it." So, I wasn't really looking forward to the prospect of the God's discipline, but as I struggled with it in prayer, I actually put my hands to my forhead and willed myself to say to God, "I must submit this to you as I must submit everything to you. I submit myself to you." My heart was beating wildly within my chest and I was still pondering the result of the requests that I had just asked of God. See, I know that whenever I ask God for something like that, I'll get it. In spades. So, there were two sides of me at that moment. One side was screaming, "You fucking twit!" and the other was struggling to get on bended knee to submit to God. The Spirit is willing, but the Flesh is weak, so they say. Yes...yes, it definitely is.

So, as I lay there in my bed listening to the ceiling fan whir above my head and looking at the light fixture and thinking of Marshall (because he helped me put it up), I realized that I already know what the value of the tithe is. The other night I was in Wal-Mart (yes, I was in Wallyworld again) grocery shopping because I just received my food stamp card in the mail finally. (I applied for it in January.) Anyway, I ran into Richard who is a long-time friend of mine and who used to live across the hall from me in Ground Zero with his wife Kacey. I took in homeless/battered women and their children; they took in troubled teen and early twenty-ish guys. (As I think about it now, that situation could have gone really bad what with my having battered women just feet away from seven guys who had no girlfriends or any prospects of girlfriends.) Anyway, we got to talking about when we lived at Ground Zero and somehow got on the subject of tithing. In Malachi God says that we are to give 10% of what we have so that there will be food in God's house. In Genesis, God accepted Able's sacrifice of his best animal, but refused Cain's sacrifice of what was not the first of his crops, in other words, not his best. When we lived and worked at Ground Zero, Richard, Kacey and I were on the verge of starvation every day, but yet the other people who worked in Sold Out Ministry with us had plenty of food. While we went without heat in the winter, they were snug and cozy in their homes; while we went without cool air in the summer (sometimes the heat in our apartments would reach into the 100s), they were sitting under ceiling fans with central air conditioning. The only food I can remember that they brought us was cans of tomato paste, but yet the electric was always on in the band practice room, the fridge was always filled with sodas to sell to the kids when they came up on the weekends and the cupboards were always full of food just in case some kid wandered in and was hungry. We weren't allowed any of that. And any money that was left over from their tithe was put in a fund for the band so that they could get new instruments when they needed them or rent hotel rooms when they went on tour. So, while the guys in the band had their guts full of food and got to travel all around doing shows, Richard, Kacey and I stayed at Ground Zero taking in more people than we could handle and giving them what food we had. The people who stayed with us never went hungry and they never had to pay to stay. This is the value of the tithe; to make sure that there is always food for those who are doing what they believe God would have them do. The Scripture says that pure religion in the sight of God is to love your neighbor as yourself, to look after widows and orphans and to keep yourself unstained from the world. Granted, we weren't perfect, but God gave us the grace to do what we believed he had led us to do.

As I reread this, I realize that I sound like I'm angry. I'm not, well maybe a bit, but not as angry as I used to be. Put simply, all that money that was given to the band and to buying sodas and candy and whatnot should have been given to Richard, Kacey and I so that we could pay our rents, buy groceries and keep our utilities on (What utilities we had anyway. The building wasn't up to code when we lived in it so I had no air conditioning, but did have gas space heaters ,two of them, but the gas company wouldn't turn my gas on because they said the gas pipes were too old and that they couldn't stand the pressure. So, they wouldn't turn on the gas until the owner of the building paid to have new gas pipes installed. You can imagine how long that took. I lived there for five years and I think only one year out of that five years I actually used those gas space heaters. Richard and Kacey didn't even have that. They had no gas space heaters and the entire time they lived at GZ, they had to use kerosene and electric heaters. I had to do that too for about four years. Try to heat an apartment that is about 3000 sq ft with 20 ft ceilings in a building that is 100 years old with electric and kerosene heaters in the dead of winter. It just doesn't ever get warm. I had ice on the INSIDE of all of my apartment windows every day of the five winters that I lived there. So did Richard and Kacey. Not to mention that the hot water heater was gas and so was the stove. So four years with no hot water for showers and no cooking on the stove. Thank God for microwaves.). We shouldn't have had to live like that. What's even sadder is that the people we were trying to help should not have had to come into that kind of environment.

So, maybe I've already learned my lesson about the tithe. Now, if only I can loosen my Scroogy grip on my money just long enough to give it to the church; to people whom I claim I love. I guess this is what is really the issue keeping me awake. That and I just can't stop thinking about Marshall. I wonder if when he sees me if he leaves drugged in that dopamine haze that I experience everytime I see him. Almost all week, all of my dreams have been about him. God, I am a freak. Hopefully, Marshall is too, so at least we'll have that one major personality trait in common.

Now that I've gotten all of this off my chest, I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I intend on going to church later on this morning even though Marshall won't be there. There is a visiting pastor there that Richard was telling me about that night I talked to him in Wal-Mart. He's a Messianic Jew. I can't wait to hear him speak.

Some people should be forced to endure the kind of suffering they impose. Tit for tat.

I feel::enraged
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~Marys of the Sea

This is a complete outrage. I know that it has been going on for years and will probably continue on for years, but it makes me so ....I can't even find the word for how angry it makes me. I am at this moment contemplating all manner of torture for these people. I realize it's not the Godly thing to do. Scripture says that we are to forgive our enemies and pray for them. Right now, I'm just too pissed. I'd like to go on a castration spree.

Women being bought an sold as sex slaves

I'm so beyond pissed, incensed, irate...
I'm going to start looking into what I can do personally to stop this shit from happening.

Anxiety + Insomnia + Bad Memories = Extreme Agitation

I feel:: moody
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: No music. Just the ever present ticking of my fucking eye.

Life Clue #2
Never have an extended late night convo with a person who abused you about another person who abused you. I feel like I could down the rest of my Klonopin right now (which isn't that much really) and I still wouldn't feel ok. Dammit. Maybe I'll lay down in the dark and watch Star Wars for the 5849205775849302745890th time. Or maybe Stargate. I don't know. Whichever one will put me to sleep faster.

P.S. She's coming down here tomorrow to spend the day with me. Wow, I can't wait to talk more about my rapes, my grandfather's molestation of me and the death of people close to me. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Fuck me sideways.

Don't mess with Mother Nature. She knows where you live.

I feel:: relieved
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Buena Vista Social Club~Amor de Loca Juventude

These are pictures of a squall line that moved through the entire state of Arkansas this morning. I happened to catch part of it as it was passing over my house. It was moving at 55 mph with sustained straight line winds of 80-100 mph. Luckily, Alexander didn't get the brunt of it. There were no houses damaged and no injuries here, but Pulaski County (where Little Rock is and where I'm on the county line of) has been declared a federal disaster area. From the damage I heard reported on the news (I watched it all morning.), the worst damage is in Hot Springs so I imagine that county will be declared a disaster area as well along with Lonoke county (There were 12 houses either damaged or completely taken out there.)I know on Cantrell Road in Little Rock a bank and a gas station had their windows completely blown out. It was a crazy morning.

I had to take these pictures with my camera in my phone as the batteries in my digicam were dead and the storm was moving too fast for me to go digging for more. A couple of these I took from my front porch and some I took from my back porch. If you click on them, you can see them full size in the new gallery I made in my LJ Scrapbook. :)


3/9/06 Squall line 1



3/9/06 Squall line 2



3/9/06 Squall line 3



3/9/06 Squall line 4



3/9/06 Squall line 5



3/9/06 Squall line 6



3/9/06 Squall line 7

Just Keep Puttin' One Foot In Front of the Other

I feel:: sick & itchy

I lost 2 more pounds.



Amazing that I didn't lose more considering while I was sick last week I didn't eat for 3 days. I was out for the count all of last week. I don't know what that shit was, but it was awful. I figured that my immune system was making my body hold on to the weight so that I wouldn't get any sicker. At least I lost 2 pounds.

I'm still sort of sick, though. I have that run-over-by-a-truck feeling. I thought I had shingles again because I got a blistery rash in the same place that it came up last time and I've got that flu-ish feeling. Also, I don't seem to be able to sustain even mild physical activity for very long without my muscles getting fatigued, getting feverish, shaky, dizzy and sweaty. I don't know though. The rash isn't so bad this time, but it's been there for like a week or so. Last time it went all the way around to my back and it hurt like a mother. But, I have been and keep dosing myself with herbs, supplements and superfoods, so maybe that's why it's not so bad this time. Mainly, it itches a lot and I have to catch myself to keep from scratching it.

So, I'm sure you all wanted to know the intimate details of my health. Super interesting, isn't it?

Along a different line of thought: I've been waking up with 80's country songs playing in my head for the past week. Must be the fever. ;)

20 Steps to Cat Ownership: A Primer

I feel:: amused
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~Come In Closer

1. Set your favourite three sweaters on your bed, and then use a small knife to shred them.

1b. Scold yourself. Shred the couch in revenge for being scolded.

2. Put a bowling ball in the exact center of the bed (and/or directly in your pillow). Try to get comfortable.

3. Take a nap. Get a friend to smack you in the face with a feather duster every time it looks like you're starting to fall asleep.

4. Get a recording of a cat meowing incessantly. Set it as your alarm. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. Buy a bag of tinsel, feathers, or anything that will act similarly to hair. Spread it over every surface you own.

6. Have a friend or loved one sink needles into your flesh at random intervals. Once you are used to this, have them do it while hugging and cuddling. Make sure they know to do this while you are on the phone.

7. Ask a neighbor to knock on your door randomly at all hours of the day and night. When you answer the door, have the neighbor think for several minutes about which side of the door he wants to be on. Have the neighbor repeat this process with every door in the house in a random sequence.

8. Buy a cat-sized stuffed animal and fill it with lead pellets. Now learn to read ten-point type through it.

9. Have a friend come in and vomit randomly on the carpet about once a week. If your floors are hardwood, have him vomit on the furniture or on any available papers or books.

9b. If there are no papers or books on the floor, have the roommate pull some down. If the roommate lacks vomit, any bodily substance will do. The more unidentifiable, the better.

10. When you can deal with #9, acquire a roommate who will only use the toilet if it is perfectly clean. Clean the toilet. Then try to teach the roommate that sitting on the toilet with your butt hanging off the edge is not sufficient, without also teaching the roommate that the toilet is to be feared.

10b. If 10 is not challenging enough, acquire a roommate who decides that the proper place for the toilet is located in randomly-generated locations throughout the house. Become just psychic enough to move the toilet BEFORE the roommate decides to demonstrate this. This takes practice.

11. If you can manage it, get a friend who tries to steal food from you at every opportunity, who will dig through cinderblock to lick a greasy plate, and who also preferentially drinks out of the toilet and clean teacups, in that order. Have this friend refuse to eat or drink anything from a container designated for his use without first splashing it out of the cup or picking up the food and moving it onto the floor.

12. Learn to wheedle. You will need this to get the cat to come inside, go outside, pee in the box, eat, drink, sit in your lap, and stop attacking your feet. Practice this skill on very small, angry children who do not speak your language. Better yet, become telepathic.

13. A friend who hunts is an invaluable asset. Have him occasionally and without warning present you with various forms of wildlife, both live and dead, whole and half-devoured. Practice thanking the friend for his gifts wholeheartedly until the sight of viscera is genuinely endearing.

14. Take a small and muscular monkey, tie sharp objects to its extremeties, and then take it in to have its shots. When you can do this with only two assistants, you are ready to have a kitten.

15. Learn to "see" objects in a pitch-black room by finding them with your bare feet. Use an assortment of wadded-up, wet tissues, and old tee shirts sprinkled with thumbtacks. This is useful for avoiding hairballs and other biological deposits, and also for avoiding stepping on the cats themselves.

16. The value of a voyeuristic roommate who enjoys staring at you while you are having sex with yourself or anyone else is not to be underestimated. Bonus points if the roommate seems horrified and/or repulsed by what is going on, yet will cry if you force him out of the room.

16b. A roommate who is sneakier than an invisible ninja is ideal for those who have mastered the basics of 16. If you can somehow wrangle a real pervert, get one who enjoys attacking feet, or unexpectedly jabbing whoever is on top in the bum with a fondue fork.

17. Also, the value of a roommate who cannot stand the sight of a closed door of any kind is not to be denied. Have him stand on the other side and meow repeatedly. When this does not work, allow him to drag his fondue forks over the door while screaming pitifully. Once inside, make sure he engages in several of the other fine activities on this list. Four or more is ideal. Put roommate out. Begin again.

18. Knocking things over by yourself is pointless and dull. Pay someone to do this for you. Preferably someone with experience assessing the value of bric-a-brac. Have them do this at 3 a.m., preferably in such a way as to make it very difficult to tell what the sound actually was.

19. Throw your kitchen garbage directly onto the floor. Learn to like it that way. Once you've done this, start with the bathroom garbage. A cat will eventually decide that your embarrassing toilet trash needs to be displayed to the world. If you are a woman, you can be certain this will happen during Shark Week. Probably in front of your date.

20. Ask the person you love most to utterly ignore your existence for a week. If you can do this, while simultaneously managing items 1-20, you will then be ready for a cat.

Never Attempt WalMarting When Everything You See Looks Like a Van Gogh Painting

I feel:: drugged
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Johnny Cash~Folsom Prison Blues

Life Clue #1: You know you are really sick when you have a 15 minute coughing spasm in the middle of Wal-Mart, sweat so much that your clothes are visibly wet, almost faint and hit the floor if it weren't for the buggy, and then forget where you are and why you're there.

Why does the majority of my life take place in Wal-Mart?