27.3.06

Excuse Me While I Scourge Myself

I feel:: sad
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October, of course.

Mat 5:1 When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up a mountain and sat down. His disciples came to him,
Mat 5:2 and he began to teach them:
Mat 5:3 "Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them.
Mat 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn. They will be comforted.
Mat 5:5 Blessed are those who are gentle. They will inherit the earth.
Mat 5:6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for God's approval. They will be satisfied.
Mat 5:7 Blessed are those who show mercy. They will be treated mercifully.
Mat 5:8 Blessed are those whose thoughts are pure. They will see God.
Mat 5:9 Blessed are those who make peace. They will be called God's children.
Mat 5:10 Blessed are those who are persecuted for doing what God approves of. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them.


I've been asked to be in the leadership of my church. This happened yesterday. Yesterday, I thought it was a good idea. Today, I don't. It's not that I don't want to serve. I do. I just don't think I'm fit for ministry. I'm not humble enough. (Now I feel like Moses telling God that I can't serve him because I can't speak well. Now I feel like I'm making excuses.) I'm afraid that I don't rely on him enough. Dammit, I fall to pieces just trying to take care of myself.
It seems like lately there have been a lot of people relying heavily on me and it's not that I mind, it's just that it makes me so, so sad. It's not like I don't go around inserting myself into my friends lives when they are in trouble. I want to be there. I want to help. Suddenly, I feel like the sadness of the world is on me. I feel like there is not enough I can do and I will never be able to do enough. I'm so confused and I'm doubting myself so much. I take 80mgs of Prozac a day, which is the highest dosage you can go on Prozac, 2 0.5mg pills of Klonopin a day and I see two Psychiatrists. What kind of help am I? I'm so fucked up there should be a picture of me in the DSM right next to the entry: Chronic Severe Depression. What kind of a person am I? What are my motives for doing the things I do? Is it really for God or is it for myself so that I can make myself feel better? God-fucking-dammit. Why does everything have to go into the shitter at the same time?

(More for myself than anything. If y'all don't want to read all this feel free to skip it. Right now, I feel like I can only hold on to God because everything else is so slippery.)
Romans 8:1
Rom 8:1 So those who are believers in Christ Jesus can no longer be condemned.

Matthew 10:38-39
Mat 10:38 Whoever doesn't take up his cross and follow me doesn't deserve to be my disciple.
Mat 10:39 The person who tries to preserve his life will lose it, but the person who loses his life for me will preserve it.

Matthew 16:25-26
Mat 16:25 Those who want to save their lives will lose them. But those who lose their lives for me will find them.
Mat 16:26 What good will it do for people to win the whole world and lose their lives? Or what will a person give in exchange for life?

Romas 1:17
Rom 1:17 God's approval is revealed in this Good News. This approval begins and ends with faith as Scripture says, "The person who has God's approval will live by faith."

Hebrews 4:12-15
Heb 4:12 God's word is living and active. It is sharper than any two-edged sword and cuts as deep as the place where soul and spirit meet, the place where joints and marrow meet. God's word judges a person's thoughts and intentions.
Heb 4:13 No creature can hide from God. Everything is uncovered and exposed for him to see. We must answer to him.
Heb 4:14 We need to hold on to our declaration of faith: We have a superior chief priest who has gone through the heavens. That person is Jesus, the Son of God.
Heb 4:15 We have a chief priest who is able to sympathize with our weaknesses. He was tempted in every way that we are, but he didn't sin.
Heb 4:16 So we can go confidently to the throne of God's kindness to receive mercy and find kindness, which will help us at the right time.


Well, at least it's Spring Break this week.








Lil' Bit and Silver Snuggling
Lil' Bit and Silver Snuggling



P.S. Snuggling is good. Very good.

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