21.3.06

Dear God~Make Me Into A Bird So I Can Fly Far, Far Away

I feel:: enraged
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~Weaknesses

Schizophrenic God in the Form of Toxic Father Speaks Out of Two Sides of His Mouth (Revised)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His pity.
"I love you because you are completely degenerate with no chance of recovery."
His teaching.
"I am perfect. Can't you see that?
Mold yourself to me to show me that you love me."
"Emulate me."
His patience.
"Your very existence is exasperating to me."
His control.
"Be good because I love you."
"Be quiet and invisible, because I don't want to be embarrassed of you."
He says, "Don't rock the boat. Conform."
His encouragement.
"Of course, I'll always help you. Just remember when you fail
at school
in love
in independence of life,
I'll be here for you to remind you of what a failure you are
because I love you."
His concern.
"You know you can't survive for long on your own."
"You need someone to take care of you."
"You need to get married."
His absolute authority.
"Don't question me."
"Because I said so."
"God wants it that way."
His help.
"You live like a pig."
"You're room is disgusting."
His lust.
"It smells like sex in here. Have you been having sex in here?"
"You stink."
"Have you bathed lately?"
"The dress is pretty, but you look like a slut."
"You are finally growing hips, but your butt is getting bigger."
"Are you sure you're sick? Maybe you're pregnant."
His love.
"She's not mine. I picked her up on the side of the road."
---------------------
I hate you.
I love to hate you.
I relish it like some good,dark chocolate.
You owe me
years,
my self-esteem,
love.
An apology for all the times you
discouraged me,
choked me,
hit me,
emasculated me,
made me feel that my body was dirty and pornographic,
made me feel like I would never be good enough for anyone or anything,
were silent when you should have spoken words of gentleness,
avoided me,
were sickenly arrogant and callous,
were unrepentant and unapologetic,
didn't take responsiblity for your culpability
will never be forthcoming.
I hate you.
The fact that you continue to breathe
makes me hate you even more.
I should have shot you when I had the chance.

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