Snow, Ice and Hugh Jackman

I feel:: bored

I had to drive home last night over 2 inches of black ice and it took an hour and a half to get from downtown to my house. I was so scared. My adrenaline was racing so much that when I got home, I couldn't stop shaking. I had to take some Valerian Root so that I could calm down. I fell asleep like an hour and a half later. I couldn't keep my eyes open, but I was so keyed up that while I was asleep, I got a cramp in my neck and the pain of it woke me up. I can't leave my house today because of all of the ice. There is snow over the ice and that makes it look like driving would be ok, but I saw 3 of my neighbors try to leave today and they were back in their driveways about 15 mins later. I guess it wouldn't be that bad if I didn't live so far out in the country. When I was in high school, we used to call where I live B.F. E. (bum-fucked-Egypt).

I'm watching a movie called Someone Like You. (Sweet Jesus, Hugh Jackman in his stretchy boxers is so freakin hot!) Anyway, it's about male and female relationships. I like it. It has a happy ending. (lovehughjackmanlovehughjackmanlovehughjackman *drool*)

I'm bored and I should be doing Algebra or reading up for Fine Arts class or editing my Comp paper or something, but I don't feel like doing anything.

A Bit Of A Mood Swing

I feel:: accomplished
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: something by Evanescence

Ahhhh..... good morning coffee...... It's Friday and I am so glad. I got a new cell phone yesterday and it is soooooo cool. I'm going out tonight to a housewarming party and then to a birthday party!

I had a freak out on Wednesday, I skipped 3 classes so I could come home and cry. I cried for hours. Then I slept for like 4 or 5 hours. I felt like shit that day. The voices were pretty bad. I couldn't hear myself think. I really need to get into some kind of therapy.

Cinnamon Hazelnut Coffee

Ok, so I'm temporarily over my temporarily depressed mood. I just woke up and I feel fine today. I've got my coffee and my computer... What else does a girl need? I've been trying to go to the ExodusEvanescence mb since early this morning,but I keep getting a message that it's exceeded it's bandwidth. Hmmmmm....Well, I guess I'll just have to wait. I'm going to Fordyce today to get my car worked on. I got a recall letter in the mail. I don't know what parts are recalled bc I haven't read it. TheQueenMac is going with me. She's funny. I was thinking last night that she is a lot like her favorite character, Tinkerbell, sassy, funny....I lay in bed this morning and thought about my serious body image problem. I was going to start going to this Eating Disorders group at Fellowship Bible, but that was before Dan broke up with me. He still goes there and I don't think that I want to see him. I don't think he treated me fairly and I don't think he told me the truth when he broke up with me. I would rather be hurt and hear the truth than be lied to. Besides, I have this bullshit detector that never fails. I kind of always know when someone is lieing to me and to have to sit there and know someone is lieing and not be able to say that I know is sad to say the least.I think it actually hurts more when you know that you are being lied to, because then, it means that the other person doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth.

I absolutely cannot WAIT to go to Florida for Spring Break. *sigh* Everytime I sit down to study, that's what I think about. I can't wait to smell the salt air and to feel the ocean breeze on my face and in my hair. I can't wait to feel the sand between my toes. I can't wait to curl up in that king size bed and watch movies to the sound of the waves crashing on the midnight beach. I love Florida.

I'm craving doughnuts, but I know that I won't get any. The sugar will make me sick. I have to tell these things to myself. Otherwise, I just run wild with the food. I know that sugar in the morning makes me vomit, but sometimes, I still eat it. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. (That's a pretty picture, isn't it?) I know I'm a glutton for punishment.

When I was on the ExodusEvanescence mb the other night, Gabe posted something about playing the "Masochism Tango". I guess I am a Masochist. I don't know. I cause myself more pain than anyone else could ever. I seem to always get involved with people who hurt me. I just said that I can detect when someone is bullshitting me and I can. The thing is, I walk into it anyway. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and I want to trust them. I heard someone say once that if you trust someone it makes them more trustworthy. I suppose that works only in healthy relationships. I have this sick need to want to be loved. I mean, I really want it. I do things that cause me pain, because I don't feel loved. I also do things that cause me pain if I think it will bring me love. But then, I always seem to get involved with people who don't know the first thing about what it is to love or to be loved. I suppose that I don't really either. (I am reminded at this moment of a quote from the movie The Mask, "All the guys around here think monogamy is some kind of wood!") I should look for love in God. I guess it's a measure of my lack of faith and my lack of understanding God that I don't seek love in God and that I don't look to God for the example of how to love and be loved. I'm afraid that I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm afraid that I'm doomed to have miserable relationships and die alone, lonely, and bitter. It's one of my biggest fears. I feel like damaged merchandise. I know that I am. I'm a lot better than I used to be, but....I just read something in this book that I have called The Basics-A Catagorical Bible Study. It says that the Bible does not say that when a person is saved that old things MIGHT pass away and new things will EVENTUALLY come. It does not say that once a person is saved that they always FEEL righteous or always ACT righteous. It says that once a person is saved that the old things WILL PASS AWAY AND THE NEW THINGS WILL COME. It says that in Christ, we have been given RIGHTEOUSNESS. I AM RIGHTEOUS BEFORE GOD. It says that in Christ I am forgiven and reconciled to God. It says that I am seated with Christ in the heavenly places. I'm so glad that the Holy Spirit brought that to my mind. I know I don't always act like I'm a Christian, but I always act like myself. I just need to keep these things in mind and look in Christ for the source of love. I'm a work in progress. The clay doesn't say to the potter,"Why did you make me this way?" does it?

Freakin' Algebra-Freakin' Memories

I HATE ALGEBRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't do this shit! I'm so frustrated! I am so ready to drop this fucking class! But I need it. I can't drop it.The more I work on it, the more depressed I get.

I hate this time of the month, I always get reminded every month of a certain person and a certain action that I would not like to be reminded of. I know this will happen every month for the rest of my life and I hate it. It reminds me of how much I hated God, it reminds me of how angry I was and how sad I was. Suffice it to say, it causes triggers and flashbacks. Fuck, I absolutely hate myself sometimes.

I was going to put up a poem but.....

Eres Mi Corazone Por Vida

"Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt? May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonized as in that hour left my lips; for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love" -Charlotte Bronte-Jane Eyre

I'm feeling lonely and I'm craving chocolate really bad. That's bad. I'm trying to LOSE weight not GAIN it.

I need to work on my Algebra.

Happy Hung Over Valentine's Day-A Day Late

I got a call from my ex the day after Valentine's Day to wish me happy Valentine's Day and to tell me that he was hung over. I was all,"You are SO romantic."

I'm supposed to be finishing my comp paper right now. I have like one paragraph to add and then I have to check it for punctuation and add the works cited page. Blah... this paper has been a major pain in the arse.

I'm watching this America Undercover episode called "Out at Work". It's about discrimination of gays at the workplace. There was a part where this woman got fired from Cracker Barrel for being gay. They said that they had instituted a policy that said that they wouldn't have any gay people working for them anymore because homosexuals didn't promote family values. They did interviews with people around the city and some said that they agreed with what Cracker Barrel did because being homosexual was a sin. I couldn't believe that. I thought to myself that if Cracker Barrel was going to fire people for living in sin then they should fire everyone because all people live in sin to one extent or another. For that matter, if all companies were to fire/not hire people for living in sin (based on the premise that being gay is a sin) then no one would have a job and this country would not function at all. That is so absurd. I can't believe someone would do that to someone just because they are gay. There was another segment where this guy was working in the trader industry and the president of his company took his car and had it professionally repainted as a police cruiser with all kinds of gay slurs on it. And then he was fired because he was gay. That makes me so mad. Even if someone is gay and even if other people don't agree with their lifestyle is no reason to fire someone or abuse someone. Ughhhh... That is so shitty.

Long Sigh

I feel:: accomplished
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Nightmare Before Christmas songs

I'm finally done with my goal for Algebra this week. I've been working on it since like12:30 this afternoon. My head aches. I took my Fine Arts and Spanish tests the other day. I thnik I did well on my Spanish test, but I'm not so sure about the Fine Arts test. There were some questions on there that I wasn't entirely sure about and there was one hell of an essay question on the back page. I had to use 3 pages on the backs of the test pages to answer it. I'm so dizzy. Too much coffee I guess. I haven't even left my house today. Ughhh, it's raining.

I went over to Angie's apt. last night to help her write her comp paper. She is so disorganized. I went over there at 5p and we got finishe at 10:30p. She kept getting off track and losing her focus. She is really sweet, she just gets overwhelmed really easily. I'm like that sometimes.

I'm going to see Daredevil on Sat night with the rest of the folks from the Exodus message board. Laney bought me a ticket when she bought hers. Sweet. I'm so glad she was thinking of me.

I still have some reading to do for class tomorrow, but I think I'm going to go take a nap so my head will quit aching. I need to pray too. Haven't talked to God today, just thinking about freakin Algebra.

This Song Makes My Heart Feel Like It's Being Ripped In Two

I feel:: anxious


My Immortal.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Love Leads To Isolation

I feel:: accomplished
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: this Phil Collins song that won't go away

Ok so, I feel like crying my eyes out right now and I'm not sure exactly why I feel this way. I've been studying since 11:30 this morning. Oh my God, I studied for my Fine Arts exam (which is like studying for 3 exams, since it is 3 classes in one: Theater, Art, and Music). Can you say PAIN IN THE FREAKIN ASS? I wrote a rough draft of a paper that was supposed to be an interview with my dad. But since, he said that he would let me interview him and was conveniently gone during the time when I was supposed to interview him, I made the whole thing up. The entire paper about his life and suposed quotes from him is entirely fictional. So there. I also studied for a Spanish exam. I'm actually not through studying for that one. It just got so late that I decided to stop and resume studying tomorrow. I usually get to school around 8 or so and my first class isn't until 10, so I'll have some time then. I also have an hour of free time b/w Fine Arts and Algebra, so I can study then too. I was going to work on my Algebra today as well, but I ran out of time. I'm so freakin tired. I guess that's why I feel like crying.

Angie came over tonight and wanted me to help her with her comp paper. We are in the same comp class. I tried to help her, but I really think that I wasn't much help to her. She was stressed out from taking a bunch of tests this week and she couldn't concentrate on her paper. She kept getting stuck on the small details and couldn't move forward. I was sitting at my comp trying to write my own paper. I told her just to put SOMETHING down on paper for class tomorrow bc if we don't have something in hand, we will lose 10 points of the grade of the final draft that we turn in.

Laney is ordering me this kick ass coat. Sweeeeet! I can't wait to get it.

Sally booked us a condo in Destin for Spring Break. It's the same place we went last year. It was so cool. Right on the beach. Security entrance. Gated. Very posh. I can't wait to go. I already need a break from school.

Marcia came over last night and helped me with building my little free website on Geocities. I think it looks pretty cool. I worked on it for a long time yesterday. I've also got some poetry posted on it of my own.

I've been thinking about Dan today. Should I feel worse than I do bc he broke up with me? I feel like I should be broken hearted,but I'm not. I'm kinda pissed actually. I find it awfully convenient that we had a conversation about being Godly and acting Godly. We decided not to have sex. I think he thought that I would be the kind of person who says one thing and does another. Not that he's obsessed with sex... well, he is an admitted sex addict. I guess he needs to go out with someone who doesn't have issues about sex and God and all that. I just want to be a godly woman. Is that so bad?

I bought the book, A Purpose Driven Life, yesterday. I read the first entry. The author says that it's best to read one entry per day. Ok. It said that in order to find my purpose in life that I have to look in God. It said that my life is not all about me, my happiness, or my career. It is about God. I exist bc God wills me to exist. God had a purpose for my life planned out from eternity past. Ok, call me arrogant if you wish, but I kinda knew all that stuff already. I suppose I need to pray more, or be more humble or something. The thought briefly crossed my mind last night that I had wasted my money on that book. We'll see I guess.

Blaaaaaah

I feel:: sick

I went to see Vallejo last night with Sally, Laney, Anida, Lori and Dan showed up about 2 songs into Vallejo's set. I got a little dizzy last night. I had only 2 drinks, but I'm kind of sick, so I guess that's why it hit me so fast. Vallejo was really good, better than they were the last time I saw them. The last time they must have been tired, bc they played kind of lazily.

Dan broke up with me last night. He waited until the very end of the night. After the show was over, after we sat in my car and talked for 20 minutes, after we went to IHOP to eat (we were there for about an hour and a half), after I took him back to his car in the parking lot of Juanita's and we were again sitting in my car talking. I told him right after the show was over that I wanted to go home and go to bed bc I was feeling really ill. I was all nauseous and my head was killing me. I felt like I was getting a migraine or something. It was my idea to go to IHOP to eat bc I thought that maybe if I ate something that I would feel better. We stayed there a long time bc Dan was just talking and talking. We finally left there and I told him that after I took him to his car that I was going to go home. He started talking again and he talked for like 3 hours in my car and I just listened. I should have just told him that I needed to go home, but I really didn't have the energy to stand up for myself. So, I just slumped down in the seat of my car and endured the endless stories. He asked me at one point what I thought about our relationship and I asked him what exactly he meant. I asked him what he meant in terms of where I thought our relationship was going, in terms of emotional stability, or what. He said that he didn't know what he meant. So, I told him that for the past couple of weeks that I had felt him pulling away from me and that I felt at the beginning of our relationship that he thought that I was special and that now I didn't get that feeling from him. I told him that I thought it was too soon for him to have a relationship since he's only been divorced from his ex for 3 months. I told him that I thought he was on the emotional rebound. He told me that he thought he felt like he was trying to push a friendship into a relationship and it wasn't meant to be that way. I asked him if he wanted to be friends, or boyfriend/girlfriend. He said he thought that if he said that he wanted to be just friends, that I wouldn't speak to him again. I didn't answer that. He then asked me if I thought he was a jerk. I didn't answer that either. I didn't know what to feel last night. I was kind of torn. On the one hand, I felt like I needed to be upset, bc when someone breaks up with you, you're supposed to be upset, right? On the other hand, I was kind of expecting it. When I was praying a couple of days ago, after our fight, the Holy Spirit led me to believe that he just wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship bc he was still holding on to the anger he had for his ex wife. It is understandable that he would be angry with her considering she's certifiable. But he does need some time to heal from that. He needs to have some closure and to forgive her. He needs to take responsibility for his part in his crappy marriages. Anyway, he told me that he backed off from me drastically a few weeks ago, bc he got scared bc his daughters were getting really attatched to me. He said that he was afraid that they would be hurt if we didn't work out. I think that's a valid point, but I think that he got scared as well for himself. He's still got walls up and is terrified of being vulnerable.

Oh well, I guess that's enough psychoanalysis for today.

I'm sick today and I feel like shit. My head is killing me and I'm super nauseous. Of course I'm sure the ice cream I ate earlier doesn't help at all. Acckkk!!!!

I had a couple of really long talks with Lori. She is having problems with her new husband. I can't go into details, bc it's not my place to report on her personal life. Things are getting better for her though. She offered to help me learn how to play guitar. She told me that she would help me with chord changes and chord progressions. She also invited me to go to the church that her and her husband have been going to, 2nd Baptist. She said that it is not like a normal Baptist church. She said that everyone is friendly and that they were accepted almost immediately. They are going to this class at their church studying this book called A Purpose Driven Life. I looked at it a little bit the other day when I saw her at the coffee house. It looked really cool. I'm thinking about getting it for myself.

I should be studying right now.... ick.... for my Fine Arts test which I have on Wednesday. I also have a Spanish test on Wedneday. I also have a paper due on Wednesday. I'm supposed to interview my dad today for the paper. What a pain in the ass. I'm supposed to interview someone over 70 about their life. My dad said that he would do it, grudgingly. Oh my God, I have too much stuff to do to feel so shitty. I'm starting to get stressed out.

My Brain Is Totally Dead

I feel:: angry

Ok, so I've been studying since 3pm this afternoon. Algebra and Spanish. I got a lot done. I took ANOTHER assessment for Algebra, this time instead of 21%, I got 47%, which is 1% higher than what I orig. assessed at. I'm happy about that. It means less work for me, that is, if next time I assess the program doesn't put me back too much. I told Dan about it and he said something hateful like,"Well, that's not that big of a jump." I wanted to tell him to kiss my ass and try to study as much as I do and have 2 semesters in a row of 4.0 gpa. Fucker.

We had our first fight yesterday night. He called me and asked me how I was doing. I told him that I was still depressed. I was having problems with my eating disorders yesterday. I wanted to eat and eat and eat so bad until I was just numb. I didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted to shut down. I tried to be healthy, but I kind of missed the mark. I didn't have my Spanish class yesterday so I skipped my last class of the day, which was Comp 2. I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a book on how to play classical guitar. It has all these awesome lessons and a cd. It cost me $30 though. I also bought a box of Godiva chocolates, it only had 4 in it. I thought that that was an improvement, considering the last time I ate chocolate, I freakin pigged and I was actually sick to my stomach. I ate all of the chocolates that I bought in my car before I even left the parking lot of Barnes and Noble. So, anyway, I was having a really bad day and Dan called and asked if he could come over. I wanted to see him and I told him to go ahead and come over. When he got here, I showed him the book I had bought and he said,"You know this isn't rock." I was like,"Yeah, I know that. I'm going to work on the rock chord and scale book along with this one." He then asked me if my guitar was out of tune. I said I didn't think so bc I had just tuned it according to the instructions given in the book I had just bought on how to play classical guitar. He asked me how I did it. I said," I tuned it according to the first string. I tuned the string I fretted. The second string on the 5th fret and the 3rd string on the 4th fret, the rest of the strings on the 5th fret." The book said to tune it to the open string right in front of the string you were fretting. Like if you fretted the second string, it should sound exactly like the first string and if it didn't, you adjusted the pitch of the string you were fretting. So, he was all up in arms and said that that was wrong and that the book I bought was all ass-backwards. He was saying that you have to tune from the top string down. I was like,"Can't there be more than one way to do this?" He was like,"No, you have to mate before you can have a baby." I'm all," What? We are not talking about making babies, we're talking about tuning my guitar." He was like," It makes no difference because it's the same principle. Some things have to come before other things. You can't tune a guitar that way." So I said," So, you're saying that the book that I got, that I just paid $30 for is wrong." He said,"Yes." I told him that I didn't want to argue about tuning the damn guitar and that it was stupid to argue over something like that and I told him to please stop talking about it. He wouldn't so I left the room. When I came back, I tried to tell him that he had hurt my feelings and he refused to admit that he had done anything wrong. I tried to tell him that I didn't ask for him to give me lessons on how to tune my guitar,but that wasn't the point, the point was that he always has to be right all the time and he has to prove his point no matter what the cost. I was like," Have you ever played classical guitar? How would you know?" Silence. I said,"Dan, you are not right ALL the time." Silence. I said," I apologized to you for getting angry,but you have not apologized to me for hurting my feelings." He said,"I've done nothing wrong." So we went in circles for awhile. He said eventually that there was only one way that he could have been wrong about the way that he told me how to tune a guitar, if I was tuning the string I was fretting. I said,"That's what I said in the beginning." He said,"Oh, I guess I didn't hear you." I never got an apology. What I got was,"I'm sorry that you feel that way." He thinks that everything is resolved, it's not.NOT BY A LONG SHOT. Especially not after what he said to me today. I was thinking about it last night.

We haven't been together a month and this is what I know about him so far:
1. Doesnt' do what he says he's going to do.
2. Always has to be in the right and doesn't want to admit he's wrong even when there are blatant facts that he is staring him in the face.
3. Thinks that my going to college is a waste of time. ( He said that he didn't know why I had to take all of these classes to graduate. "It's stupid." Linked with the comment today about my assessment in Algebra, I believe that I can infer that.)
4. Consistently places himself in the position of victim so that nothing that happens is ever his fault.(He is full of stories of how he is always the innocent and everyone has done him wrong and doesn't understand him. They are LONG stories.)
5. Doesn't have a clue as to why he exhibits dysfunctional behavior. I tried to explain some things to him on the phone the other night only because he asked me.

All of this leads me to believe that he is a very controlling person, even though he claims not to be. I don't think that he possesses enough personal insight to take a thorough personal inventory that would be completely honest. I don't mean to infer that he's unintellligent, he lacks insight. By the way, he checked my guitar with his electronic tuner and it was right on. He said by way of belittling me that it was probably already in tune when I picked it up to tune it. I should have told him just to read the fucking book which was sitting in his lap. Needless, to say, I'm very angry with him right now. I need him to realize that he doesn't always have to be right and that it takes a bigger person to admit when he's wrong than it does to sit and endlessly try to prove a point. I need him to admit that he hurt me last night during our argument by being pushy, overbearing, selfish,pretentious and presumptuous. I'm not totally in the clear. I freaked out and probably over-reacted due to my depressed state, but I did admit it and I did apologize. I don' t think that I want to go out with him if he's going to continue to be this way. I know that I can't change him, that would be trying to control him and he wouldn't change anyway. I know that I have to accept him as he is, but I'm not going to sit here and let him belittle me and treat me like I don't know shit from shinola.

Clever Signs

I feel:: busy

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

I feel:: sleepy

Just a short entry today...errr this morning.

First of all, my boyfriend asked me several times last week if I was going to go to church with him today. He called me on my cell while I was in the car going to church to tell me that he was running late, so he wasn't going to go. I was like 10 minutes away, so I went. I was so sick this morning and I went to church anyway and for him to call me and tell me that he wasn't coming because he just doesn't like to walk into church late kinda pissed me off. I even was out last night until like 3:30am and I still got up and went to church. Not that I'm a saint or anything. It's just that it was such a big deal to him that I go and then he bails on me.

Secondly, I have eaten so much today that my stomach is swollen. I feel so bloated. Ughhh. I had to wear my goth sweat pants to the movie tonight because my stomach was too swollen to wear any of my other pants. Oh, I went to see Chicago tonight with some friends of mine. It was awesome. I loved it. That is the best movie I've seen in awhile. My friend James was making fun of my goth sweat pants (they have zippers on them) and said that I looked like I was ready to work on a car or something. Hahaha very funny.

I was driving home this evening after the movie and rediscovered my Violet Burning cd. I was listening to the Song of the Harlot. That song makes me break down every time I hear it. It tells the story of the harlot who cried on Jesus' feet and dried his feet with her hair. The people He was eating dinner with Him condemned Him for letting a whore associate with Him, but He told them that even though He had been invited to their house to eat dinner, they had not even extended Him the courtesy of washing His feet, but she did. I think she was the one who later annointed Him with expensive oil and she was rebuked for it. Jesus told the people to leave her alone b/c she was annointing Him for burial. Anyway, the song talks about how a lot of times we become the whore by loving the things of the world and forgetting Jesus and how much He loves us. The chorus says: If I could be anyone at all let me be the whore at your feet.

I think that's where I'd like to be. I'd like to be humble enough to sit at Christ's feet and wash them. I'd like to be wise enough to admit my sins and accept the forgiveness of Christ. I'd like to be strong enough to turn from my sin forever and keep my eyes focused on the person and the love of Christ. I'd like to have a big enough heart to show love to someone who doesn't deserve it purely out of the love which Christ has put in my heart. I'd like to have the courage to stand in the love of Christ and live my life unflinchingly according to the Scripture without swerving. This sounds like I want to be perfect. I know that I'll never be perfect. I just want to keep on moving forward in my relationship with Christ. I'd like to know Him better. I'd like to be a better person. I'd like to be able to see things more clearly to be able to handle the Scripture rightly.

Father, please forgive me for getting mad at Dan. Please forgive me for being so worldly. Please forgive me for being impatient. Please forgive me for thinking more of myself than I should. Please forgive me for being selfish. Please forgive me for being judgemental. Please forgive me for thinking that I deserve something from others just because I do something for them. Please forgive me for indulging my flesh. Please forgive me for putting You in the backseat of my life. Please forgive me for my anger. Please help me to forgive those people that still hurt me every time they make me mad and everytime I try to bring something up from my memory to hold against them. Please forgive me for wanting to vindicate myself. Please allow me to see things as they really are, as You see them. Please allow me to see people as Your children. Please forgive me for being lax in my school studies. I know that this is Your will that I'm in school and you have given me the means to go to school and not work. Please help me to be grateful and not to forget why I'm here. Please have mercy on me Father I am so sinful. I know that You love me, open my eyes to the reality of Your love and allow me to see myself as You see me. Heal me Father from the hurts that have been inflicted on me and from the hurts I have inflicted on myself. I lift up the families of the crew of the space shuttle to You and I pray that You would be with them and comfort them. I pray that Your Holy Spirit would envelop them. I give my dreams to You and I ask that You would protect me while I sleep. I thank You for the opportunity to heal my mind and my body through sleep. Thank You for the opportunity to live another day. I ask that tomorrow You will see fit to use me to touch someone for You. If there is anything or anyone that I have forgotten to pray for, I ask that Your Holy Spirit would bring them to my mind. I praise You Father for who is like You? You are just and righteous in all Your ways. I love You Father. There is no one like You. You deserve all praise and thanks.
I ask these things and give these praises in Jesus' name. Amen.