7.2.03

My Brain Is Totally Dead

I feel:: angry

Ok, so I've been studying since 3pm this afternoon. Algebra and Spanish. I got a lot done. I took ANOTHER assessment for Algebra, this time instead of 21%, I got 47%, which is 1% higher than what I orig. assessed at. I'm happy about that. It means less work for me, that is, if next time I assess the program doesn't put me back too much. I told Dan about it and he said something hateful like,"Well, that's not that big of a jump." I wanted to tell him to kiss my ass and try to study as much as I do and have 2 semesters in a row of 4.0 gpa. Fucker.

We had our first fight yesterday night. He called me and asked me how I was doing. I told him that I was still depressed. I was having problems with my eating disorders yesterday. I wanted to eat and eat and eat so bad until I was just numb. I didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted to shut down. I tried to be healthy, but I kind of missed the mark. I didn't have my Spanish class yesterday so I skipped my last class of the day, which was Comp 2. I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a book on how to play classical guitar. It has all these awesome lessons and a cd. It cost me $30 though. I also bought a box of Godiva chocolates, it only had 4 in it. I thought that that was an improvement, considering the last time I ate chocolate, I freakin pigged and I was actually sick to my stomach. I ate all of the chocolates that I bought in my car before I even left the parking lot of Barnes and Noble. So, anyway, I was having a really bad day and Dan called and asked if he could come over. I wanted to see him and I told him to go ahead and come over. When he got here, I showed him the book I had bought and he said,"You know this isn't rock." I was like,"Yeah, I know that. I'm going to work on the rock chord and scale book along with this one." He then asked me if my guitar was out of tune. I said I didn't think so bc I had just tuned it according to the instructions given in the book I had just bought on how to play classical guitar. He asked me how I did it. I said," I tuned it according to the first string. I tuned the string I fretted. The second string on the 5th fret and the 3rd string on the 4th fret, the rest of the strings on the 5th fret." The book said to tune it to the open string right in front of the string you were fretting. Like if you fretted the second string, it should sound exactly like the first string and if it didn't, you adjusted the pitch of the string you were fretting. So, he was all up in arms and said that that was wrong and that the book I bought was all ass-backwards. He was saying that you have to tune from the top string down. I was like,"Can't there be more than one way to do this?" He was like,"No, you have to mate before you can have a baby." I'm all," What? We are not talking about making babies, we're talking about tuning my guitar." He was like," It makes no difference because it's the same principle. Some things have to come before other things. You can't tune a guitar that way." So I said," So, you're saying that the book that I got, that I just paid $30 for is wrong." He said,"Yes." I told him that I didn't want to argue about tuning the damn guitar and that it was stupid to argue over something like that and I told him to please stop talking about it. He wouldn't so I left the room. When I came back, I tried to tell him that he had hurt my feelings and he refused to admit that he had done anything wrong. I tried to tell him that I didn't ask for him to give me lessons on how to tune my guitar,but that wasn't the point, the point was that he always has to be right all the time and he has to prove his point no matter what the cost. I was like," Have you ever played classical guitar? How would you know?" Silence. I said,"Dan, you are not right ALL the time." Silence. I said," I apologized to you for getting angry,but you have not apologized to me for hurting my feelings." He said,"I've done nothing wrong." So we went in circles for awhile. He said eventually that there was only one way that he could have been wrong about the way that he told me how to tune a guitar, if I was tuning the string I was fretting. I said,"That's what I said in the beginning." He said,"Oh, I guess I didn't hear you." I never got an apology. What I got was,"I'm sorry that you feel that way." He thinks that everything is resolved, it's not.NOT BY A LONG SHOT. Especially not after what he said to me today. I was thinking about it last night.

We haven't been together a month and this is what I know about him so far:
1. Doesnt' do what he says he's going to do.
2. Always has to be in the right and doesn't want to admit he's wrong even when there are blatant facts that he is staring him in the face.
3. Thinks that my going to college is a waste of time. ( He said that he didn't know why I had to take all of these classes to graduate. "It's stupid." Linked with the comment today about my assessment in Algebra, I believe that I can infer that.)
4. Consistently places himself in the position of victim so that nothing that happens is ever his fault.(He is full of stories of how he is always the innocent and everyone has done him wrong and doesn't understand him. They are LONG stories.)
5. Doesn't have a clue as to why he exhibits dysfunctional behavior. I tried to explain some things to him on the phone the other night only because he asked me.

All of this leads me to believe that he is a very controlling person, even though he claims not to be. I don't think that he possesses enough personal insight to take a thorough personal inventory that would be completely honest. I don't mean to infer that he's unintellligent, he lacks insight. By the way, he checked my guitar with his electronic tuner and it was right on. He said by way of belittling me that it was probably already in tune when I picked it up to tune it. I should have told him just to read the fucking book which was sitting in his lap. Needless, to say, I'm very angry with him right now. I need him to realize that he doesn't always have to be right and that it takes a bigger person to admit when he's wrong than it does to sit and endlessly try to prove a point. I need him to admit that he hurt me last night during our argument by being pushy, overbearing, selfish,pretentious and presumptuous. I'm not totally in the clear. I freaked out and probably over-reacted due to my depressed state, but I did admit it and I did apologize. I don' t think that I want to go out with him if he's going to continue to be this way. I know that I can't change him, that would be trying to control him and he wouldn't change anyway. I know that I have to accept him as he is, but I'm not going to sit here and let him belittle me and treat me like I don't know shit from shinola.

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