18.2.03

Cinnamon Hazelnut Coffee

Ok, so I'm temporarily over my temporarily depressed mood. I just woke up and I feel fine today. I've got my coffee and my computer... What else does a girl need? I've been trying to go to the ExodusEvanescence mb since early this morning,but I keep getting a message that it's exceeded it's bandwidth. Hmmmmm....Well, I guess I'll just have to wait. I'm going to Fordyce today to get my car worked on. I got a recall letter in the mail. I don't know what parts are recalled bc I haven't read it. TheQueenMac is going with me. She's funny. I was thinking last night that she is a lot like her favorite character, Tinkerbell, sassy, funny....I lay in bed this morning and thought about my serious body image problem. I was going to start going to this Eating Disorders group at Fellowship Bible, but that was before Dan broke up with me. He still goes there and I don't think that I want to see him. I don't think he treated me fairly and I don't think he told me the truth when he broke up with me. I would rather be hurt and hear the truth than be lied to. Besides, I have this bullshit detector that never fails. I kind of always know when someone is lieing to me and to have to sit there and know someone is lieing and not be able to say that I know is sad to say the least.I think it actually hurts more when you know that you are being lied to, because then, it means that the other person doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth.

I absolutely cannot WAIT to go to Florida for Spring Break. *sigh* Everytime I sit down to study, that's what I think about. I can't wait to smell the salt air and to feel the ocean breeze on my face and in my hair. I can't wait to feel the sand between my toes. I can't wait to curl up in that king size bed and watch movies to the sound of the waves crashing on the midnight beach. I love Florida.

I'm craving doughnuts, but I know that I won't get any. The sugar will make me sick. I have to tell these things to myself. Otherwise, I just run wild with the food. I know that sugar in the morning makes me vomit, but sometimes, I still eat it. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. (That's a pretty picture, isn't it?) I know I'm a glutton for punishment.

When I was on the ExodusEvanescence mb the other night, Gabe posted something about playing the "Masochism Tango". I guess I am a Masochist. I don't know. I cause myself more pain than anyone else could ever. I seem to always get involved with people who hurt me. I just said that I can detect when someone is bullshitting me and I can. The thing is, I walk into it anyway. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and I want to trust them. I heard someone say once that if you trust someone it makes them more trustworthy. I suppose that works only in healthy relationships. I have this sick need to want to be loved. I mean, I really want it. I do things that cause me pain, because I don't feel loved. I also do things that cause me pain if I think it will bring me love. But then, I always seem to get involved with people who don't know the first thing about what it is to love or to be loved. I suppose that I don't really either. (I am reminded at this moment of a quote from the movie The Mask, "All the guys around here think monogamy is some kind of wood!") I should look for love in God. I guess it's a measure of my lack of faith and my lack of understanding God that I don't seek love in God and that I don't look to God for the example of how to love and be loved. I'm afraid that I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm afraid that I'm doomed to have miserable relationships and die alone, lonely, and bitter. It's one of my biggest fears. I feel like damaged merchandise. I know that I am. I'm a lot better than I used to be, but....I just read something in this book that I have called The Basics-A Catagorical Bible Study. It says that the Bible does not say that when a person is saved that old things MIGHT pass away and new things will EVENTUALLY come. It does not say that once a person is saved that they always FEEL righteous or always ACT righteous. It says that once a person is saved that the old things WILL PASS AWAY AND THE NEW THINGS WILL COME. It says that in Christ, we have been given RIGHTEOUSNESS. I AM RIGHTEOUS BEFORE GOD. It says that in Christ I am forgiven and reconciled to God. It says that I am seated with Christ in the heavenly places. I'm so glad that the Holy Spirit brought that to my mind. I know I don't always act like I'm a Christian, but I always act like myself. I just need to keep these things in mind and look in Christ for the source of love. I'm a work in progress. The clay doesn't say to the potter,"Why did you make me this way?" does it?

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