9.2.03

Blaaaaaah

I feel:: sick

I went to see Vallejo last night with Sally, Laney, Anida, Lori and Dan showed up about 2 songs into Vallejo's set. I got a little dizzy last night. I had only 2 drinks, but I'm kind of sick, so I guess that's why it hit me so fast. Vallejo was really good, better than they were the last time I saw them. The last time they must have been tired, bc they played kind of lazily.

Dan broke up with me last night. He waited until the very end of the night. After the show was over, after we sat in my car and talked for 20 minutes, after we went to IHOP to eat (we were there for about an hour and a half), after I took him back to his car in the parking lot of Juanita's and we were again sitting in my car talking. I told him right after the show was over that I wanted to go home and go to bed bc I was feeling really ill. I was all nauseous and my head was killing me. I felt like I was getting a migraine or something. It was my idea to go to IHOP to eat bc I thought that maybe if I ate something that I would feel better. We stayed there a long time bc Dan was just talking and talking. We finally left there and I told him that after I took him to his car that I was going to go home. He started talking again and he talked for like 3 hours in my car and I just listened. I should have just told him that I needed to go home, but I really didn't have the energy to stand up for myself. So, I just slumped down in the seat of my car and endured the endless stories. He asked me at one point what I thought about our relationship and I asked him what exactly he meant. I asked him what he meant in terms of where I thought our relationship was going, in terms of emotional stability, or what. He said that he didn't know what he meant. So, I told him that for the past couple of weeks that I had felt him pulling away from me and that I felt at the beginning of our relationship that he thought that I was special and that now I didn't get that feeling from him. I told him that I thought it was too soon for him to have a relationship since he's only been divorced from his ex for 3 months. I told him that I thought he was on the emotional rebound. He told me that he thought he felt like he was trying to push a friendship into a relationship and it wasn't meant to be that way. I asked him if he wanted to be friends, or boyfriend/girlfriend. He said he thought that if he said that he wanted to be just friends, that I wouldn't speak to him again. I didn't answer that. He then asked me if I thought he was a jerk. I didn't answer that either. I didn't know what to feel last night. I was kind of torn. On the one hand, I felt like I needed to be upset, bc when someone breaks up with you, you're supposed to be upset, right? On the other hand, I was kind of expecting it. When I was praying a couple of days ago, after our fight, the Holy Spirit led me to believe that he just wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship bc he was still holding on to the anger he had for his ex wife. It is understandable that he would be angry with her considering she's certifiable. But he does need some time to heal from that. He needs to have some closure and to forgive her. He needs to take responsibility for his part in his crappy marriages. Anyway, he told me that he backed off from me drastically a few weeks ago, bc he got scared bc his daughters were getting really attatched to me. He said that he was afraid that they would be hurt if we didn't work out. I think that's a valid point, but I think that he got scared as well for himself. He's still got walls up and is terrified of being vulnerable.

Oh well, I guess that's enough psychoanalysis for today.

I'm sick today and I feel like shit. My head is killing me and I'm super nauseous. Of course I'm sure the ice cream I ate earlier doesn't help at all. Acckkk!!!!

I had a couple of really long talks with Lori. She is having problems with her new husband. I can't go into details, bc it's not my place to report on her personal life. Things are getting better for her though. She offered to help me learn how to play guitar. She told me that she would help me with chord changes and chord progressions. She also invited me to go to the church that her and her husband have been going to, 2nd Baptist. She said that it is not like a normal Baptist church. She said that everyone is friendly and that they were accepted almost immediately. They are going to this class at their church studying this book called A Purpose Driven Life. I looked at it a little bit the other day when I saw her at the coffee house. It looked really cool. I'm thinking about getting it for myself.

I should be studying right now.... ick.... for my Fine Arts test which I have on Wednesday. I also have a Spanish test on Wedneday. I also have a paper due on Wednesday. I'm supposed to interview my dad today for the paper. What a pain in the ass. I'm supposed to interview someone over 70 about their life. My dad said that he would do it, grudgingly. Oh my God, I have too much stuff to do to feel so shitty. I'm starting to get stressed out.

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