Why Does She Hate Herself So Much When I Love Her So Much?

I feel:: distressed

My girlfriend, E, came over to my house yesterday. She was carrying a 40oz Miller Lite when she walked in. It was only 12:00pm. She had already taken a bar of Xanax I found out a few minutes later. We hung out in my tv room for awhile and joked around. I showed her some funny pictures on my computer. She kept talking about her boyfriend, Tony, who is old enough to be her father, and how they have been shooting up together. She talked about Tony's friend, Pete, whom she taught to cook his pain pills down into liquid so he could shoot them up. Now, he's a fiend for it, of course. She told me she's been shooting up in her foot. She told me that she thought she'd blown a vein because she had this really big, nasty sore on the top of her foot. I told her to show me because I was worried that it might be infected. She took her shoe off and there were all these little blood spots on her sock. They weren't brown, like the blood had been there awhile and dried. They were bright red. She took her sock off and pulled back the bandage to reveal a deep gash in her foot right where one of her veins should be. It was so deep. She told me that the day before, she had pulled the scab off of it and that there was a huge blood clot underneath it. I got scared and shook my finger at her and told her that she shouldn't have pulled that scab off because that's what skin does when it is healing. As it is now, she has a big open wound that occasionally spurts blood. She said she was scared that she had given herself tetnus or something. She was afraid that it would get infected and that she would have to go to the ER, then, her parents would find out that she'd been mainlining and she would never see her son again. (Her parents have custody of her son.) I thought to myself,"Why would you do that knowing that if you got caught, you would never see your son again?" I understand that she's addicted, but damn. She said the reason for the Xanax (which she has a running prescription for) and the beer was that it kept her from fiending for shooting. She began to cry and told me that the reason she hadn't talked to me or returned my calls was that she was too embarrassed for me to see her like that. I felt like my heart was breaking. I reached out and took her in my arms and held her there and rocked her while she sobbed. Her body was just racked with them. She was shaking and hyperventilating. She calmed down after about 20 minutes, then said she had to go and talk to her boyfriend about keeping drugs in his house. She said if they weren't there, she wouldn't be tempted to do them. I thought,"Well, if you weren't going out with him, you wouldn't even have this problem." But she probably would have found someone else to do it with. When she sets her mind to shoot up, she usually accomplishes it. I love her so much. She's like a sister to me. I've known her since she was 12. I don't know what to do. I don't think there is anything to do. She's been in and out of rehab since she was 15. She always relapses sooner or later. I don't want her to die. I don't know if I could handle it.

I'm A Good Girl. I Swear.

I feel:: horny
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~I'm Not In Love

I'm going to have to accept these feelings I'm having for J. I don't have to act on them, by any means. The fact that I want to jump him every time I see him doesn't mean that I should or that I will. God made me to feel these feelings for whomever becomes my husband. The timing is wrong. I should save these feelings for when I'm married. (If that does ever happen, I think I'll die of shock.)

I find myself noticing small things about him that excite me: the way he smells, or the way his skin feels, the sound of his voice or the touch of his hand. It is hard for me, especially when the more I get to know him, the more I find out things about his personality that I like. It's too soon for me to be feeling this way. I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I can't control myself. When I think about him sometimes, I get breathless and I just ache to touch him. I know these feelings I'm experiencing are all sexual. Why am I trying to make it anything other than what it is? I find myself asking,"How many times am I going to have to redirect my thoughts when I'm around him? How many times am I going to have to go to God and ask forgiveness for being in lust?" And I am. I totally am. Am I totally psycho?

I've been praying a lot about this. It's funny-weird that just as I decide to rededicate my life to God and just as I get out of an abusive relationship that this would happen. Just after I begin to start every day with earnest prayer and really seeking the Holy Spirit, this happens. It seems like it's too coincidental. I suppose it's partly my fault. I don't set boundaries and I'm too much of a spectator in my own life. I act like a victim. It's no wonder that I get treated like one.

My footinmouthchewvigorously moment for today: My friend from school, Ginger, whom I saw almost every day the semester before last and who invited me to her house for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, saw me drive into the parking lot of Petsmart earlier today. She started walking toward my car waving and smiling at me. I got out of my car and hugged her. The first thing I said was,"Are you still working at the salon?" She said, confused,"I never worked at a salon. I worked at the freaky teddy bear making place." I thought she was my old friend Jennifer. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

I Think It's About Time For Uncle Remus To Put Down That Syrup Can

Yesterday, I had to drive my dad to get his hair cut and along the way, we stopped and ate lunch at this little hole-in-the-wall BBQ place called George's. The food was great, but as we were walking out, I was noticing all of the signs they had hanging on the walls. They looked like they were from the 1930s. I was thinking,"pretty cool", right about the time when my eyes fell on a sign advertising Uncle Remus' Syrup. The sign showed a black man with whitegray hair standing in the middle of the sign holding a can of said syrup. The caption read,"Dis sho am good!" *le sigh* Ok. I do live in the south, but I thought the Civil War was over? Racism just pisses me off whether it's white/black, black/white, white/latin, latin/black...whatever. I just don't understand it. I mean, what's to understand? I'm supposed to sympathize with people who are so ignorant that they condemn others just because of the color of their skin? It's one thing to be angry with someone for something that is their choice, but no one ever chose the color of their skin. I mean, come on. Giveth me a break. I was so offended by that sign and I started to turn around and say something to the owner, but a little voice inside me said it probably wouldn't do any good. So, I just followed my dad out the door. I wish I had more guts. (Now, in my mind, there is a voice singsonging "patience is a virtue".)

I also read the other day a particularly good piece of writing on the gender of God here:

Mushgoo~The High Romance.com Blog

I also read the comment that this lady

Floating To Armageddon

put after it.

When I first read her comment, it struck me funny (not funny as in haha, but funny as in weird), but I didn't know why. Well, the day moved on and I went to my French class. I called Ashley and asked her if she wanted to go to lunch with me. She said she did, but it wouldn't be until about 12 noon or so. I looked at the time and it was 10:30am, so I drove home, made sure that dad didn't want anything to eat right then and had planned on going right back out the door. Well, as per usual, I laid down in my bed thinking that I would only rest for about 20 minutes. I was awakened by the phone ringing at 11:45. I told Ashley that I would leave right then and meet here at the restaurant. I'm always irritable when I first wake up and even more so when I'm rushed and even more so when it's daylight and hot as Hades. I got in my oven-car and started driving. My thoughts were going a mile a minute and they were all leaning toward things that piss me off. Then, my thoughts landed on the little comment that I read on the afore mentioned blog. That's when I realized that it was a backwards compliment. Then, I started thinking about what she had said and how the piece of writing commented on, in her opinion, was simplistic.( I have nothing against this lady. I don't even know her. I just think she's missing out by overlooking something so beautiful: the simplicity of the love of God.) I started to get less irriated at that point and more introspective.

These were my thoughts:Doesn't God value and treasure simple things? He told us in the Scripture that unless we have the simple faith of a little child that we could never come to Him. When Jesus walked the Earth, He explained what He was doing and all about His father in simple terms. Terms that the people he was speaking to could understand. God also said that faith in His Son would be a stumbling block to some because it is so simple. Some of us try to make being a follower of God so complicated when it isn't really. God's way is hard for some of us to follow sometimes because of our stubbornness, but He's laid it out for us pretty simply, in my opinion anyway. Doesn't God treasure the simple acts of His children, like worship? Doesn't He treasure it when we help someone who, for instance, doesn't have any food or doesn't have any clothes, or doesn't have a place to live? I have read some books on being a "Christian" and some of them were pretty good and others I just couldn't follow because they weren't written with someone like me in mind. I'm a simple person and I think my faith is simple too. I've tried to make it a honking-big-complex thing before. All I got for my efforts were emptiness and frustration. I don't think it's a bad thing to be uber-intelligent and ponder the deep philosophies of the Bible. I mean, where would we be without people like Paul? Even he, as intelligent and gifted of God as he was, spoke while keeping in mind those to whom he was speaking. It's just that there are, by comparison, so many more people who are not theologians and philosophers. What are they (I mean me.) supposed to do when they (me) want to understand more of God? What Jon Trott wrote spoke to me in a way I could have never imagined. It opened my heart to think of God as feminine. I never thought of Him that way before. As a rape and incest survivor, God to me was always this masculine thing that was just something harsh and the only way we could obtain His mercy was through Jesus. Someone once told me,"God is always angry. It's only through Jesus that he's able to not be." I realize only just now that that sort of thinking puts God in a teeny little box. He is so much more than that. It gave me chills to think that God actually experienced my pain as those things were happening and that He continues to experience my pain with me everyday. I've heard these things before, but until I realized that God could be feminine, I never had it in my heart. So, to Jon Trott, this is what I meant when I said,"Thank you for opening my eyes." I am going to pray and pray and pray that I don't lose that heart-knowledge.

I am going to write this on my bathroom mirror in red lipstick:
Don't despise the simple things just because they are simple.

Darth Vader Is Stealing My Ice Cream!

I feel:: anxious
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Buena Vista Social Club~Chan Chan

I finally went to see Star Wars:Episode III with Tanya on Saturday night. I loved it. The part when the robots put the Vader suit on Anakin Skywalker was the best. When he took his first breath through the respirator, I got chills. I wanted to scream at him through the whole movie,"Don't you see what you are doing? You are being played!" I didn't yell in the theater though.

I had a crazy dream that night that I was running a halfway house for teens and Anakin Skywalker was staying there, only as Darth Vader. Someone told me that he was sneaking snacks from the kitchen late at night, so I went to check on him. I was sort of scared, so I got on the sofa and peeked over the top of it to see him standing behind the open refrigerator door. I could see his arm on the door and his black robe. Then, he leaned out and glared at me from behind the door. Well, I guess he glared. I really couldn't tell because of the mask. All I heard was the wheezing of him breathing through the respirator.

I talked to my friend E the other day (not my ex-ex Erik, this is a girl). She has a live journal and I had read about a month ago where she wrote that she had relapsed. I tried to call her because I was worried, but I couldn't get hold of her. She was on Yahoo yesterday and I got to talk to her then, thankfully. I asked her in what way she had relapsed and she said,"The shooting up way." She told me that she had been shooting Mepergans for the last month or so. She cooked them down from pills into liquid. *sigh* She used to have a habit of shooting up Oxycontin a few years ago. She quit doing that though. I think she will eventually kill herself if she continues like this. I've known her since she was about 12 or 13 and she's been the same always. She's so self-destructive. I'm scared that she's weakened her heart with all the drugs she's done and that pretty soon, she's going to shoot or smoke or drink just a bit too much and her heart will just give out on her. She's done so much damage to her body already that her MRI shows the bones of an 80-year old woman. She's only 24. She has a young son too. I don't know what to do for her other than pray. I try to be there for her, but she pushes me away a lot. I love her so much.

I've had two different dreams recently about a married couple who are really good friends of mine. Alisha and Paul are married; they have been for a number of years. They were together for a long time before they got married so they've been together I think a total of 15 or 16 years. I've known Paul since 1984. I've known Alisha since 1991. The two dreams that I had were of him cheating on her. In my dream he was having sex with another woman. That other woman was me. I'm so disturbed by these dreams. I love them and I would never, never, never have sex with Paul. I would never try to come between them. Sometimes I have dreams that come true or dreams that tell me what is going on about things that I would otherwise know nothing about and I'm wondering if they are having problems. I have talked to Alisha recently. I went over to her house the week before last and hung out with her and her two sons in the pool they have in their back yard. Paul wasn't there. He was at work I guess. She didn't tell me or insinuate to me that there was anything wrong. Even though it was only a dream, I feel like a bad person for dreaming that I slept with Paul. I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Feeling A Bit Better

I feel:: content

Ryk called me like 10 times last night. One call right after the other. I was talking to a friend of mine, Renee, at the time, so I was kind of annoyed. I am so sick of all this drama where he is concerned. I just want to move on. Marcia called me too last night. I was so glad to her from her. She said that Ryk had called her and sounded like he had been crying and she wanted to know if we had been in a fight or something. I haven't even spoken to Ryk except via email since the last time he came out here and the cops were called. What this makes me think is that he is freaking out because he no longer can control what I do and last night he got desperate. Everytime I read an email of his or hear his voice, I start to ache again in my heart because he is so sad and so convincing that I have done him wrong that I start to doubt myself. I start to think that I really am a cast-iron bitch. I don't want to ache like that anymore. I do care about Ryk. I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I am not going to talk to him to help him figure his shit out. I'm not going to tell him what I think is wrong with him like he has asked me to do. I don't think that's right. That would be treating him just like he treated me. He's going to have to figure it out on his own.

There is another sort of drama going on as well concerning my ex, Erik. I have been talking via Myspace to the woman he has been recently seeing and just broke up with via phone the other day (sounds familiar) about what he has done and said to us and about us to each other. He has been seeing her on and off for the past 7 years, me for 8 years. We have a delicate friendship now and all of this talking has been taking place publicly on the internet so Erik can see everything we've been saying to each other. The whole time he was seeing me and seeing her, he was also sleeping with his ex-wife. He has a history of being a player. He has 2 children with his ex-wife, one with a girl he never married who, this is funny, is the exact same age as his daughter. He also has another child by another woman that he found out about like a year and a half ago. Well, he's never been publicly busted out like this so who knows what will happen now. I didn't mean for it to turn out this way at all. My only aim was to bridge the division between this woman and me. I felt like I owed her that much because she was lied to and so was I. She posted about him breaking up with her over the phone and how much she was hurt and how despite of all he has done that she still loved him. What she wrote pierced my heart. I felt exactly the same way for 8 years. I kept taking him back and taking him back all the while believing that he loved me and that he was genuine. Well, come to find out, the times when he wasn't with me, he was with her, and who knows who else. Sometimes he was with she and I at the same time. How does a man juggle a girlfriend, a lover and an ex-wife? No wonder he was so tired all the time. One time he fell asleep WHILE we were having sex. I guess what comes around goes around so to speak.

Regarding the person I met last Saturday night...well, he's definitely full of passion for life. When he kissed me I fell dizzy and I couldn't catch my breath. I don't think anything will come of it though. I have too much emotional baggage right now. My mood swings are hard for me to deal with so I can imagine that they would be even harder for someone else. I really don't think I'm ready for anything relationship-wise right now. When I was hanging out with him, I kept feeling guilty because I know how bad Ryk is feeling. I felt like I should be holed up in my house stuffing my face with bon bons and crying into my ice cream. I told Tanya about it and she admonished me strongly saying,"Don't you dare feel guilty!" So, I'm trying not to.

I'm A Hello Kitty Freak

I so want this: Hello Kitty USB Hub

Finalmente...Yo Soy Loca

I wish I could cut my heart out of my chest. It makes me ache. I don't know which way is up or down. I laugh and cry in the same instant. I'm having suicidal ideations again. I want to cut myself again. I guess I just have to finally face the fact that I'm crazy.

I Don't Know What To Feel

I feel:: confused
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~God

Have you ever met someone whose passion for life just leaves you speechless? I have met someone like that for the very first time ever. I feel like laughing, crying and curling up into the fetal position all at the same time. I also feel really bad because my relationship with Ryk is barely over and now I'm seeing someone else? Sort of? I feel like a heartless bitch. I'm scared. I am rebounding in a huge way and I think I'm in danger of hurting myself more, but yet I still can't stop thinking about this person. I don't understand it. I say I hate drama and yet when it finally ends for me after nearly a year, I jump right back into it. What the fuck is wrong with me? My moods swing wildly from deliriously happy to heart aching non-responsive depression. I feel like I'm crazy. I haven't taken any more Vicodin though, which is a good thing. I'm seriously considering flushing the rest down the toilet.

I had this scary dream the other night that this huge lesbian was stalking me. Her name was Beth. She kept killing everyone that I loved. Some she would bury in the back yard and one person's head she put in my breadbox.

Wow. Am I Fucked Up Or What?

I feel:: nauseated
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~The Wrong Band

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Paranoid Personality Disorder
Quick Summary:
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.
Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder:
" Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
" Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
" Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
" Projection of blame onto others
" Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
" Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
" Relentlessly suspicious
Additional Information:
Paranoid personality disorder is difficult to treat, as paranoids are often extremely suspicious of medical professionals. A combination of medication and talk therapy can be effective at combating the more debilitating symptoms of this disorder.
I don't think having a tenacious adherence to my personal rights is a bad thing. If I'm reading this wrong, someone let me know. I don't tend to think I'm very paranoid except when I should be. I guess I'm just so used to being hurt that I look for it so I can avoid it.

Shizotypal Personality Disorder
Quick Summary:
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
Symptoms of Schizotypal Personality Disorder:
" Odd or eccentric mannerisms or appearance
" Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena
" Difficult to follow speech patterns
" Feelings of anxiety in social situations
" Suspiciousness and paranoia
" Odd beliefs or magical thinking
" Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others
Wow, I'm all those things pretty much. I have thought before that I might have a mild form of schizophrenia, but I thought I was just being paranoid. When I took Abnormal Psychology, I thought about it more, but my professor said that most people who take Abnormal think that they have something they study about. Dancingchaplain said on Gabe's lj that there is a part to the MMPI that deals with magical thinking and that it comes up really strongly on those who are in the ministry in some way. I can't help but think that's part of the reason I scored high on this.

Antisocial Personality Disorder
Quick Summary:
A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.
Symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder:
" Disregard for the feelings of others
" Impulsive and irresponsible decision-making
" Lack of remorse for harm done to others
" Lying, stealing, other criminal behaviors
" Disregard for the safety of self and others
Additional Information:
A majority of criminals in prison have some degree of antisocial personality disorder. Treatment is highly difficult, although the symptoms often diminish with age.
This one I just don't get at all. Is this me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?


Borderline Personality Disorder
Quick Summary:
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.
Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:
" Self-injury or attempted suicide
" Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours
" Impulsive behavior
" Drug or alcohol abuse
" Feelings of low self-worth
" Unstable relationships with friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends
Additional Information:
Borderline personality disorder was so-named because it was originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis. The disorder is relatively common, affecting 2% of adults. Women are much more likely to suffer borderline than men. Nearly 20% of psychiatric hospitalizations are due to borderline. With treatment, patients are often able to see their symptoms improve.

Treatment involves therapy in which the patient learns to talk through his or her feelings rather than unleashing them in destructive and self-defeating ways. Medication may be helpful, and treatment of any alcohol or substance abuse issues is required. Brief hospitalization is sometimes required, especially in cases involving psychotic episodes or suicide threats or attempts.

I am pretty moody and I do have a really bad self-image. Sometimes I think that my friends get tired of having to lift me up out of my depression. I do self injure. I pull skin off my lips, fingers, and toes. I have cut in the past as well as burned myself ritualistically. I have never made suicidal threats. I have said that I've had suicidal ideations and I've attempted it several times, but I don't threaten like, "I'll kill myself if you do/don't do thus and such." I am depressed a lot. It seems like I'm always there with occasional reprieves. I have abused drugs and alcohol a lot in the past and I believe I am prone to it again. As I sit here writing this, I am having to struggle to think through a haze of Vicodin which I really don't need. I took it because my hip was hurting pretty badly because of my scoliosis and I couldn't sleep because of the pain. The last three times I took it, I did it because I was depressed and I wanted to be numb for awhile. I don't have unstable relationships with my girlfriends or my friends that are guys. The friends I make tend to be for the long term. However, I have pretty unstable relationships with boyfriends.

Avoidant Personality Disorder
Quick Summary:
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.
Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder:
" Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection
" Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations
" Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities
" Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude
" Desire for improved social relations
" Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly
" Creation of elaborate fantasy lives

I do often feel inadequate, but until recently, have not avoided social situations. I really don't like to work with a lot of other people or in a job that deals with the public because I tend to get pissy with people when I think they are being stupid. My ideal job would be something like working in a library or translating language on my computer. I do yearn for more intimate relationships, but I'm afraid of pursuing them because of the risk of getting hurt. I think I go through phases of wanting/not wanting more intimate relationships,especially with men. I do create elaborate fantasies, but I know they are not real. I create them to distract myself when I'm upset or freaking out to keep calm. I do it when I can't sleep or sometimes I just daydream. I used to get really depressed that my fantasy life could never be my real life, but not so much now. I finally realized that I was missing out on a lot of my life by always wishing for something else.

Quietness

I feel:: discontent
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Sarah McLaughlan~Adia

I have been wanting to write for several days, but when I sit down at my computer, I find that I just can't. It feels weird to be single again after nearly a year of being with Ryk. It's like I don't know what to do with myself. I've started French I class. I'm enjoying it. The memories of the French I had in high school are bombarding me daily. It's like there's so much French language in my brain and I can't get it out fast enough. Que bizarre, n'est pas?
I feel really badly about the way things ended between Ryk and I. I wish I were more experienced in relationships. I feel like part of the reason it ended so badly is my fault. I didn't really know the right way to break up with him and I told him without thinking through my reasoning first. I should have known that he would want to know why, but at the time, I figured he should already know. I kind of still feel that way actually. He has sent me several messages through email apologizing profusely. I feel that he's being sincere, but my girlfriends think he's just trying to be sweet so that I'll come back to him. I honestly don't think that's the case. I'm still not talking to him, though. He says he's going to get psychological help. He says he's a sex addict. I thought he was, and I even told him so once, but he didn't believe me. After that, I didn't mention it again. I am going to miss his kids so much. I already do.

I hurt...a lot.

My Rebuttal To All of Ryk's Drama And Bullshit

Ryk,

Here's what you said in your message to me on Myspace:

"Sunshine,
I don't understand what has been going on in your mind. It seems to be that you have misunderstood the way I am. (Don't take this as me blaming you, take it as me trying to feed back to you what I see.) You told me that I have the mind of a rapist. I don't think that is so; true enough, I have sexually abuse one person, but forgive my being really young and unable to deal with the new urges I was experiencing. It doesn't make what I did right at all, I just want you to see this through my eyes. Also true, is the fact that I have some sexual desires that deviate from "the norm", but so do you. It is my belief that many of my desires, as well as yours, are shared by men and women alike around the world who are not rapist. Am I a rapist becuase I didn't cry or say "aww im sorry that happend to you" when you told me the stories? I'm sorry for that, I was trying to hide a dark side of me--that has the urge to kill the men who have harmed you--from you. I didn't want you to feel like I would do something like that to you. Do I have the mind of a rapist because I asked such detailed questions about what happend to you? Sorry again, I wanted to know as much about these guys as I could so if I were looking one of them in the face I could know it was him. Guys see other guys naked in shower rooms at gyms, that is why I asked about their size. The more I know about these guys the more I positively ID them. Don't forget I also asked you what kind of truck the guy from Arkedelphia drove. I thought maybe I knew someone who played football there during that time and I could ask them if they knew this guy. Remember, I asked you about the weather, music that might have been played, clothes they wore, cologne, hair color, all that. Why, I don't want to play a song that you might have hear while this was happening to you: I don't want to wear a cologne that would bring you flash backs; I don't want to say something to you that they might have said (this is why I seased my asking for dirty talk during sex).

Have I ever hit you? Have I ever acted like I was going to hit you? Have I ever begged you for sex when you said you weren't in the mood? Have I ever made any attempt to rape you? NO! I would never hurt you! NEVER! You mean too much to me for me to do something like that. I couldn't cheat on you. I couldn't even masterbate if I was thinking about someone else; it made me feel like I was cheating on you. I, in no way, intend on hurting you, and will do anything to keep from hurting you.
But, for a second, let's pretend I am wrong. Let's pretend that I do have the mind of a rapist. Does simply having the same thouht patterns of a rapist make you one? Does having the mind of a criminal make you a criminal? Does holding a gun to the head of you sleeping father make you a killer? NO! In fact, police departments and federal agencies hire people with criminal minds all the time. These people use there skill for good. I'm not sure, but I think that there are men AND WOMEN out there who have minds that work similar to mine to help protect their friends and loved ones. I used my "criminal mind" to think of how I could track down these guys, but, unfortunatley, I came to many dead ends.

You know who does have the mind of a rapist? The police officers who look for these guys, the judge who sentenced them, the therapist who helps the victims get their lives back on track. They have to have the mind of a rapist/criminal! Why? The must think like criminals to help find the wrong doers, to find them guilty, and to help victims avoid having this happen again. The problem comes when these people fail to distinguish between characteristics of rapist/criminal and characteristics that criminals share with everyday people.

So, I suppose wanting to find these guys and beat the living piss out of them would mean that I do have a criminal mind--but still not that of a rapist. What would I do to those guys who hurt you? I don't know; I try not to think about it. Would I hurt them? More that likely: Yes. There would be almost no way to prove that these guys raped you without a police record or some sort of physical evidence--which you don't have. I can't say my actions would be justice, they would simply be punishment. (Sorry to use a movie quote there, but it was really acurate.)

So, I still don't understand WHY you say I have the mind of a rapist. I would still like to talk to you about this. Please find the time to talk to me. Maybe you could help me reach an understanding. I need it. Again, please don't think that I am blaming you or attempting to manipulate you; I'm just trying to get a clear understanding.

I love you. I can't change that. Maybe time will, but I won't. I need you to believe that I would never harm you or anybody else who didn't deserve it. (And I use that word "deserve" in the strickest manner.) So, please give me the courtesty of a conversation.

Thanks,
Love For All Time,
Ryk"

Ok, let's break this down.
"You told me that I have the mind of a rapist." I told you that because of some of the things you have said to me when we were alone and the way you act when you can't control my actions. I went back through my journal and read about every time I drew away from you because I wanted time to myself. You freaked out. Even the time when it was your idea that we didn't talk for a few days, you called me the very next day. It's like you can't bear the thought of not knowing what I'm doing every second of every day. It's like you can't bear the thought of not being in some way in control of my life. You seem to have this power/control issue. Rape is not about sex, it's about control and who has the power.

"Do I have the mind of a rapist because I asked such detailed questions about what happend to you? Sorry again, I wanted to know as much about these guys as I could so if I were looking one of them in the face I could know it was him. Guys see other guys naked in shower rooms at gyms, that is why I asked about their size. The more I know about these guys the more I positively ID them." This reasoning doesn't hold water at all. You are going to identify a guy by his penis size? Give me a break. That's almost the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. The fact that you asked me if I could remember their penis sizes scares me. It's like you think I enjoyed it. Do you really think that when I was being raped that something like that would even cross my mind? Also, what does that have to do with anything? It doesn't matter what sizes their penises were. They could have been hung like horses or as small as pencils. It still was rape. It still would have hurt no matter what size they were.
"I don't want to say something to you that they might have said (this is why I seased my asking for dirty talk during sex)." You stopped asking for dirty talk, but you would bring it up nearly every month when you brought up the fact that I wasn't giving you what you wanted in bed. I could tell that you resented me for not giving you what you wanted. That's another control issue. You wanted to change me into something that I'm not. You wanted the power and the control to be able to do that. I can't tell you how much I hated that.

"I, in no way, intend on hurting you, and will do anything to keep from hurting you." You don't want to hurt me? Then why did you keep bringing up the sex thing nearly every month when you knew how much it hurt me? Why did you ask me the penis sizes of the guys who raped me? Why did you tell me that fat girls put more effort into sex than thinner girls because they don't get it as much and they want what they get to be good? Then, tell me I was the best sex partner you'd ever had? If you didn't want to hurt me, then why did you ruin Valentine's Day? Why did you ruin my birthday by acting like an ass? If you didn't want to hurt me, why did you go back on your word when you said that you wouldn't talk to Misty about anything but the kids? If you didn't want to hurt me, then why did you bring up the sex thing the night of April 21, when I was shaking so bad that I couldn't control it? You didn't have any regard whatsoever for what I was going through that night. I told you that I had had a bad day and you just made it worse. I find the, "I, in no way, intend on hurting you, and will do anything to keep from hurting you," statement to be total bullshit. You vociferously proclaim your innocence, but then you turn around and do or say something so blindingly hurtful or stupid as to be unbelievable.

"Have I ever hit you? Have I ever acted like I was going to hit you?" No, you have never hit me or acted like you wanted to hit me. What you did was more subtle. You took advantage of me emotionally. That's why it took me so long to realize what was going on, because you weren't hitting me.

"Have I ever begged you for sex when you said you weren't in the mood?" No, you have never outright begged for sex when I wasn't in the mood. You have, however, pouted, and when I told you I felt guilty, continued to pout like a spoiled child. You have done it several times, knowing how it makes me feel. That's manipulation. You kept bringing up the fact that I wasn't giving you what you wanted in the bedroom when you knew how much I hated it. You knew that it made me feel like a bad person, like I wasn't good enough. I told you these things. And the fact that you kept bringing it up month after month after month shows that you were trying to manipulate me into doing what you wanted.

". Let's pretend that I do have the mind of a rapist. Does simply having the same thouht patterns of a rapist make you one? Does having the mind of a criminal make you a criminal? Does holding a gun to the head of you sleeping father make you a killer? NO! In fact, police departments and federal agencies hire people with criminal minds all the time. These people use there skill for good. I'm not sure, but I think that there are men AND WOMEN out there who have minds that work similar to mine to help protect their friends and loved ones. I used my "criminal mind" to think of how I could track down these guys, but, unfortunatley, I came to many dead ends." Are you really comparing yourself to F.B.I. profilers? Do you really expect me to believe that bullshit? You are living in a fantasy world, Ryk. Oh, and thanks for bringing up the fact that I attempted to shoot my father in his sleep. I guess that's another time when you didn't want to hurt me. You are so unbelievable.

This is part of what you wrote in your lj:
"This is a message to all my friends and their friends. My name is Richard A. Tatum II, but many of you know me as Ryk. As many of you all know for the past 7 months I have been in a relationship with a woman named yehovahyireh. Over the past week something really strange occurred. In what seemed like less than 24 hours, went from in love with me to hating me. I don't know why. She broke up with me stating that she felt we were trying to hard to make it work. But, after more conversation she told me that she had a dream that SHE was raping ME "with a 10-inch strap on". She told me that she enjoyed the dream. She said that I had "the mind of a rapist". When I asked for an explanation, she didn't give one. She said she just didn't want to talk, and that it was over. I later called her and asked her to talk to me face-to-face just to bring some cloture to the relationship; she agreed, but never did. A few days after the break up we were chatting online and it seemed as if things were just fine. I began to tell her that I missed her and that I loved her and she jumped off line and did not answer her phone. For the next couple of days she didn't answer her phone. So, I went to her house. She answered the door and came out. I asked for an explanation, she still refused to give one and told me to leave. I begged and pleaded for an explanation and still nothing. She closed the door. I sat on the hood of my car in hopes that she would come around and come talk to me. Instead, either she or her father called the police on me. The police showed up and talked to me outside the house, and her inside. At this point I was in tears,and one officer questioned if I was okay. I couldn't talk. The officer that talked to her came out and politely told me to leave. He said that her dad was going to call UALR campus police and notify them of the situation and that I should not be anywhere near her. I told him I would try to stay away. I climbed into my car and cried for a minute, then I left and cried more on the way home.

I have no clue what is going on. I know that she takes antidepressants, and has lately been taking Vicodin as a "pain reliever". I know that she has friends that influence her in the wrong ways. I know that she has been abused in the past many times in many different ways.I fear that something maybe wrong with her that she is not saying. I fear that there is a bigger influence in her life and that she may still be being abused. If anybody who reads this know anything more than that please let me know. I have nothing to offer to you but a lifetime of gratitude. Who knows, it may even help save her. Please pass this to your friends and their friends. You can also email me at theblackguy81@yahoo.com.
And to yehovahyireh--because I know this will find its way to you--I am concerned. Please contact me. I love you.

Thanks to all of you who care.

Ok, let's take this bit by bit.
"In what seemed like less than 24 hours, went from in love with me to hating me." I don't hate you, Ryk. Jesus, I just don't want to be in a relationship with you.

"But, after more conversation she told me that she had a dream that SHE was raping ME "with a 10-inch strap on". She told me that she enjoyed the dream." I knew that you would use that against me. Thanks again for not hurting me. I told you that I hated myself after I had that dream and that I felt like a sick freak for enjoying it. It scared me.

"So, I went to her house. She answered the door and came out. I asked for an explanation, she still refused to give one and told me to leave. I begged and pleaded for an explanation and still nothing. She closed the door. I sat on the hood of my car in hopes that she would come around and come talk to me. Instead, either she or her father called the police on me. The police showed up and talked to me outside the house, and her inside. At this point I was in tears,and one officer questioned if I was okay. I couldn't talk. The officer that talked to her came out and politely told me to leave. He said that her dad was going to call UALR campus police and notify them of the situation and that I should not be anywhere near her. I told him I would try to stay away. I climbed into my car and cried for a minute, then I left and cried more on the way home." What did you expect me to do? You were acting like a psycho. You assume that you can just come out here when I haven't been talking to you for almost a week and you think that you can just walk in and talk and everything will be ok? You think this because that is what happened before when you came over here unannounced. You seem to think you have to control the situation and when you can't you act like a psychotic stalker.

" I know that she takes antidepressants, and has lately been taking Vicodin as a "pain reliever". I know that she has friends that influence her in the wrong ways. I know that she has been abused in the past many times in many different ways.I fear that something maybe wrong with her that she is not saying. I fear that there is a bigger influence in her life and that she may still be being abused. If anybody who reads this know anything more than that please let me know. I have nothing to offer to you but a lifetime of gratitude. Who knows, it may even help save her." So, you think that portraying me as a depressed drug addict isn't manipulating and abusive? You want me to give up my two best friends whom I have known for nearly 10 years for you? You want me to be isolated from them so that you can have control of what I do. You want me to think they are bad influences so that you will be my only influence. You don't like them, because they saw you for who you are from the very first and told me the truth from the very first. Just because I took two Vicodin does not make me a drug addict. Yes, I did it to escape for awhile. You hypocrite, you do the same thing with sex. So, who exactly do you think is abusing me? My crippled father or Sally and Tanya who are closer to me than sisters? You are so full of shit.

This is one of the poems that you wrote on your lj:
"What are you running from?
From me?
From you?
From the questionable pain that I caused you?
From the real pain that you have caused me,
That found its way back to you?
You have made unfair claims of me
And offer nothing to support these claims,
And I have listened.
Horrified by what you have said of me,
And HURT by your method of delivery,
I have listened.
But when I ask you for explaination,
When I ask you 15 critical minutes
You deny me the human courtesy of conversation.
What are you hiding from?
Why do you take pill to make you numb?
Are you afraid to feel?
If I have cause you any harm
Wouldn't the pain serve as a reminder
To stay away from me?
But, I haven't caused you any pain.
So, do you take the pills
To keep from feeling the pain
You have caused yourself?
I am by no means a model Christian.
You are much closer than I am.
You pray more and read more.
So, when you pray
Pray that God would send me an answer
For why you view me the way you do.
And when you read,
Read about how Jesus lost His cool in the temple
But didn't fail to explain why.
Why do you chase crazy notions?
Why do you let the wrong influence rule you?
I could chase a crazy notion
Of a cheating girlfriend,
Who cheated her way to an STD.
But as loving as she was
She didn't want to pass it to her loving boyfriend.
So, she quit having sex with him.
And realized that if she stayed with him
They would at some point have sex,
And he would have the disease.
So, she broke up with him.
And, in keeping with her fear of accepting blame,
Found a way to blame it all on him.
A conceivable notion,
But utterly rediculous.
And I wouldn't believe it.
My favorite band--Staind--just released to radio their new single.
It's called "Right Here".
The jist of the song is
That no matter what crap someone throws at you,
I feel cheated.
I feel wronged.
But, despite these feelings
I want to stand tall beside you
And say Let's work this out.
Let's get your life together.
And I say louder than anything else
I LOVE YOU!
You can still stand by them.
You are your biggest problem.
You are your greatest fear.
You are your toughest obstacle.
You are your own worst enemy.
Let me stand beside you
And hold your hand
While you figure this out.
I will be as supportive
As I can.
I LOVE YOU!
For All Time.

--Ryk

"A pill to make you numb; a pill to make you dumb; a pill to make you anybody else. But all the drugs in this world won't save her from herself."
--Marilyn Manson"

Sentence by sentence, thought by thought:
"From the questionable pain that I caused you?"
The hurt you cause me is not "questionable". It's real. You keep trying to paint me as the bad guy in all of this and yourself as the victim. You don't believe that you caused me pain? Most abusers don't believe that they cause pain and never take responsibility for anything, just like you do. Nothing is ever your fault is it?

"And I have listened.
Horrified by what you have said of me,
And HURT by your method of delivery,
I have listened."
You asked me to tell you. In fact, you badgered me to tell you what was on my mind. Then, when I do tell you, you blame me for hurting you?

"Why do you take pill to make you numb?
Are you afraid to feel?
If I have cause you any harm
Wouldn't the pain serve as a reminder
To stay away from me?
But, I haven't caused you any pain.
So, do you take the pills
To keep from feeling the pain
You have caused yourself?"
Again, taking two Vicodin does not make me a drug addict. You think you haven't caused me any pain? Why are we here then? You are in denial and again trying to play the victim and make me look like the bad person. I took those pills because I wanted to sleep. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about everything you have said and done. I couldn't sleep because you were acting like a psycho. Oh yeah, thanks for not hurting me again by not using that against me.

"Why do you chase crazy notions?
Why do you let the wrong influence rule you?
I could chase a crazy notion
Of a cheating girlfriend,
Who cheated her way to an STD.
But as loving as she was
She didn't want to pass it to her loving boyfriend.
So, she quit having sex with him.
And realized that if she stayed with him
They would at some point have sex,
And he would have the disease.
So, she broke up with him.
And, in keeping with her fear of accepting blame,
Found a way to blame it all on him."
Are you serious? If anyone would cheat, it wouldn't be me. I didn't try to change you and ask you for things in bed that you were uncomfortable with. I didn't talk to my ex-boyfriend and tell him all about our relationship. I didn't compare you sexually to my ex-boyfriend. I didn't tell you constantly that my ex-boyfriend was the best sex partner I'd ever had. I wasn't still sexually attracted to my ex-boyfriend.

I can't even go into the other poem you put on your lj because it's just redundant at this point. You say you don't know why this is happening, but it's been coming for awhile, Ryk. You say you've never hurt me, but I've told you time and time again that you have and you ignored me. You say you don't know when you hurt me, but I think you do. If you didn't, you would be an idiot and you are not an idiot. Don't expect me to believe that lame excuse. I read your email you sent me that you were thinking of admitting yourself to a mental hospital. Jesus, Ryk, can you for once not be so damn dramatic? This is just another attempt to make me out to be the predator and you the victim. Oh, poor little Ryk has been done wrong by his bitchy, psychotic, drug addicted girlfriend. Give me a fucking break.

Standing Up

I feel:: anxious

I broke up with Ryk on Monday night. He went on a long rant and listed for me (thanks) all the things he thought he did or gave up for me in order to continue our relationship. He kept telling me that I was displacing my anger towards him. He kept saying that my anger towards him originated with the abuse that others have inflicted on me. Which is total bullshit. I got angry and told him to quit psychobabbling. He actually told me that I compared him to other men I have dated sexually and relationally, which I have never done. It's him who always compared me to Misty. He denied ever trying to manipulate me. I was incredulous and yelled back at him,"Are you on crack?!" I tried to keep the whole thing civil and I told him that it was just time for us to quit. I told him that our relationship hadn't been working for me for awhile and that I wanted to stop. He wanted to know why because he said what I told him wasn't logical. Does everything always have to be logical?
At the risk of making myself seem like a nosy bitch, I'll recount what happened a few nights before. It was Saturday night and Ryk had his kids, as per usual. I came over and hung out for awhile. We were laying in his bed trying to get his son, Richard, to go to sleep. He wouldn't so I got up and went downstairs thinking that if I wasn't there, he might drift off. (His kids tend to get excited when they see me. I do too, for that matter.) I sat down on the sofa and started thinking about everything that had been happening throughout our relationship. I thought about how he had ruined Valentine's Day and my birthday. I thought about how he couldn't even look at me from across the table at my birthday dinner. Then, I remembered what he had mentioned to me offhandedly a couple of weeks before. He mentioned the fact that we hadn't had sex for like 2 months and that he was experiencing liquid coming out of the tip of his penis. He told me that he believed his body was producing too much sperm and since we hadn't had sex for awhile, it had built up and was pushing it's way out through the tip of his penis. I didn't think much about it at the time. I just took him at his word. (I'm an idiot.) That night, I was sitting on the sofa thinking about that and how it would be highly unlikely for that to happen. Then, I thought that the only time a man's penis leaks fluid is when they are highly aroused and erect and a little precum leaks out, or they have an std. Being that Ryk doesn't walk around with a constant hard on, I figured the latter was the case. Also, since we hadn't had sex for 2 months and when we did have sex we used condoms and since I don't have an std, I wondered how he would have gotten it. Then, I remembered some other comments that he had made offhandedly about having long phone conversations with Misty and how she was throwing herself at him sexually. I got suspicious. I looked around the living room and happened to spot his backpack. I unzipped it quietly and looked inside. I found his journal. I read it. What I found was heart wrenching and shocking to me. He had written things like that he was still sexually attracted to Misty, but he didn't want to be in a relationship with her. He just wanted her to "fuck his brains out" because he felt denied sexually and she was the best sex partner he'd ever had. On another entry, he was obviously angry and wrote about how I "made" him give up sex.(For the record, I didn't "make" him give up sex. What I told him was that since I am in therapy and all of these emotions and memories are resurfacing, that I didn't think it would be the best time for me to be having sex. That was proved several times when I had rape flashbacks while we were having sex.) He ranted for a whole page and then at the end wrote,"fuck her, I just want to be pleasured". He didn't write that he had slept with Misty, but I could figure that he had from the entries and from his confession of the leakage problem.
He came downstairs after getting Richard to sleep and by that time, I had finished reading his journal and had carefully put it back in his backpack exactly the way I had found it. He sat down on the sofa next to me and we talked for a bit. He kept asking me what was on my mind. I didn't want to tell him that I had just read his journal, so I told him that I was thinking about school and dad and some other things. I giggled and made jokes. He walked me out to my car a few minutes later and I giggled and joked again and we kissed. I felt so bad pretending like that. I felt like a huge liar. When I got in my car, all I could think about was what I read and what I had thought about. Our relationship played in my head all the way home like a bad movie. I had this incredibly heavy feeling descend on me.
Suday is a blur to me. I was so depressed as to be almost non-responsive. I could barely speak, and when I did, my voice came out sounding like a whisper. I didn't eat or go anywhere. I had to do things for my dad, of course, but I barely even spoke to him. I just did what he needed and then retreated back into my room. I realized that I was angry with Ryk sometime that night. I was so angry with him, that as I was falling asleep, I started to have this dream/fantasy of torturing him. I was in that stage of sleep where I was still aware of my surroundings, but I was just driting off. I dreamed/fantasized that I tied him up, bent him over and ass-raped him with a ten-inch strap on and no lube. He was crying and begging me to stop, but I just slapped him and told him to stop being a pussy. As if that wasn't bad enough, this dream/fantasy really aroused me. I felt like a dirty freak. It scared me that I could envision something so violent especially to someone who was so close to me. I couldn't get it out of my head for the rest of the night and only slept a few hours and that fitfully.
This came out in our fight we had Monday night. I wasn't going to tell him, but he badgered me and and I finally spat it out angrily. When he asked me why I would envision something like that, I told him,"I really, really wanted you to know what it felt like to be raped and helpless." He said,"Why?" I replied,"Maybe then you would ask me questions like if I can remember how big the dicks are of the guys who raped me."
Monday, Tanya called and convinced me to meet her for coffee at Books-A-Million. I told her all about what had happened. I even told her about my dream/fantasy. I tried to convey to her just how bad I felt, but she laughed and told me that everyone has thoughts like that. I hated myself so much. As I was driving home that night, I called Ryk because he had called me earlier while I was having coffee with Tanya. We small talked for awhile and I finally, after about 20 minutes, mustered up enough courage to tell him that I didn't think we should see each other anymore. Well, that conversation turned into a huge fight and I was sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot in my car on my cell phone for like 45 minutes.
I have only spoken to him a couple of times since then. I went to therapy yesterday and told my therapist all about what had happened. I have also told her about the other things he has done and said that have caused me concern. She told me yesterday that he is an emotional abuser. I had to agree with that, but I didn't want to believe it. He is so subtle and I don't even think he knows he's doing it. I went back over these things in my head that he had done or said to me and realized that she was right. She told me that I looked sad and asked me why. I said,"Well, if he is an emotional abuser, then that means that I haven't changed at all from the person I used to be. I still attract abusive men."
Ryk called me several times on Tuesday, but I didn't answer. I was so heavy feeling and when I wasn't out doing things for my dad, or in class ( I did actually manage to go to class.), I reverted to the non-responsive state from the day before. Wednesday was the same. Yesterday was the day when I started to feel better, like I had made the right decision. He called me 6 times yesterday. I didn't answer and I haven't listened to his voice mail. My therapist says I should just not respond to him at all, because if I do, he will think that he is getting in good with me again.
I hope you guys don't think I'm the biggest bitch ever. Nelson, I know Ryk is your best friend, but I hope you won't tell him any of this. I considered deleting you from my lj because you are his best friend, but then I realized that you were my friend before I even knew Ryk. Also, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I hope you don't think badly of me.

Edit: Ryk just came over and wanted to talk to me.I went out on the front porch and I told him I didn't want to talk to him, that he shouldn't have come out here and that he should leave. He just stood there ranting at me and didn't leave. So, I told him to leave again and that I didn't want to talk to him, but he didn't leave, he just kept talking. I told him again to leave and that I didn't want to talk to him. He didn't leave. I stepped back inside the house and told him that I didn't want to talk to him and that he should leave. Then, I shut the door and locked it. I was pretty shaky, so I called Tanya and was talking to her for about 20 minutes or so when she asked me to go to my window to see if he was still there. He was. She was like,"Call the police. Right now." I put the phone down and went into the living room and told my dad what was going on and that he wouldn't leave even though I had asked him to several times. He said,"You want him gone? I'll make him be gone." He called 911 and 3 Shannon Hills police units arrived at my house not too long after that. One of the policemen came in and talked to me. He wanted to know what was going on. I told him everything. He said there would be a report of this filed at the Shannon Hills police department, so that made me feel a bit better. The policemen went back outside and then I heard Ryk's car door slam really hard. I peeked out through the blinds and he was gone, but the 3 cop cars were still parked in front of my house in the street. I'm still shaky. There's a part of me that feels good about standing up for myself. This is the first time I've done that with a guy that I've dated. There's another part of me that is thinking things like,"What if I made a mistake?" and "What if he really loves me and what if no one ever loves me again?" I'm trying to tell that part of myself to shut up.
I just took a Vicodin. I'm going to go to sleep and hopefully not dream.