5.6.05

My Rebuttal To All of Ryk's Drama And Bullshit

Ryk,

Here's what you said in your message to me on Myspace:

"Sunshine,
I don't understand what has been going on in your mind. It seems to be that you have misunderstood the way I am. (Don't take this as me blaming you, take it as me trying to feed back to you what I see.) You told me that I have the mind of a rapist. I don't think that is so; true enough, I have sexually abuse one person, but forgive my being really young and unable to deal with the new urges I was experiencing. It doesn't make what I did right at all, I just want you to see this through my eyes. Also true, is the fact that I have some sexual desires that deviate from "the norm", but so do you. It is my belief that many of my desires, as well as yours, are shared by men and women alike around the world who are not rapist. Am I a rapist becuase I didn't cry or say "aww im sorry that happend to you" when you told me the stories? I'm sorry for that, I was trying to hide a dark side of me--that has the urge to kill the men who have harmed you--from you. I didn't want you to feel like I would do something like that to you. Do I have the mind of a rapist because I asked such detailed questions about what happend to you? Sorry again, I wanted to know as much about these guys as I could so if I were looking one of them in the face I could know it was him. Guys see other guys naked in shower rooms at gyms, that is why I asked about their size. The more I know about these guys the more I positively ID them. Don't forget I also asked you what kind of truck the guy from Arkedelphia drove. I thought maybe I knew someone who played football there during that time and I could ask them if they knew this guy. Remember, I asked you about the weather, music that might have been played, clothes they wore, cologne, hair color, all that. Why, I don't want to play a song that you might have hear while this was happening to you: I don't want to wear a cologne that would bring you flash backs; I don't want to say something to you that they might have said (this is why I seased my asking for dirty talk during sex).

Have I ever hit you? Have I ever acted like I was going to hit you? Have I ever begged you for sex when you said you weren't in the mood? Have I ever made any attempt to rape you? NO! I would never hurt you! NEVER! You mean too much to me for me to do something like that. I couldn't cheat on you. I couldn't even masterbate if I was thinking about someone else; it made me feel like I was cheating on you. I, in no way, intend on hurting you, and will do anything to keep from hurting you.
But, for a second, let's pretend I am wrong. Let's pretend that I do have the mind of a rapist. Does simply having the same thouht patterns of a rapist make you one? Does having the mind of a criminal make you a criminal? Does holding a gun to the head of you sleeping father make you a killer? NO! In fact, police departments and federal agencies hire people with criminal minds all the time. These people use there skill for good. I'm not sure, but I think that there are men AND WOMEN out there who have minds that work similar to mine to help protect their friends and loved ones. I used my "criminal mind" to think of how I could track down these guys, but, unfortunatley, I came to many dead ends.

You know who does have the mind of a rapist? The police officers who look for these guys, the judge who sentenced them, the therapist who helps the victims get their lives back on track. They have to have the mind of a rapist/criminal! Why? The must think like criminals to help find the wrong doers, to find them guilty, and to help victims avoid having this happen again. The problem comes when these people fail to distinguish between characteristics of rapist/criminal and characteristics that criminals share with everyday people.

So, I suppose wanting to find these guys and beat the living piss out of them would mean that I do have a criminal mind--but still not that of a rapist. What would I do to those guys who hurt you? I don't know; I try not to think about it. Would I hurt them? More that likely: Yes. There would be almost no way to prove that these guys raped you without a police record or some sort of physical evidence--which you don't have. I can't say my actions would be justice, they would simply be punishment. (Sorry to use a movie quote there, but it was really acurate.)

So, I still don't understand WHY you say I have the mind of a rapist. I would still like to talk to you about this. Please find the time to talk to me. Maybe you could help me reach an understanding. I need it. Again, please don't think that I am blaming you or attempting to manipulate you; I'm just trying to get a clear understanding.

I love you. I can't change that. Maybe time will, but I won't. I need you to believe that I would never harm you or anybody else who didn't deserve it. (And I use that word "deserve" in the strickest manner.) So, please give me the courtesty of a conversation.

Thanks,
Love For All Time,
Ryk"

Ok, let's break this down.
"You told me that I have the mind of a rapist." I told you that because of some of the things you have said to me when we were alone and the way you act when you can't control my actions. I went back through my journal and read about every time I drew away from you because I wanted time to myself. You freaked out. Even the time when it was your idea that we didn't talk for a few days, you called me the very next day. It's like you can't bear the thought of not knowing what I'm doing every second of every day. It's like you can't bear the thought of not being in some way in control of my life. You seem to have this power/control issue. Rape is not about sex, it's about control and who has the power.

"Do I have the mind of a rapist because I asked such detailed questions about what happend to you? Sorry again, I wanted to know as much about these guys as I could so if I were looking one of them in the face I could know it was him. Guys see other guys naked in shower rooms at gyms, that is why I asked about their size. The more I know about these guys the more I positively ID them." This reasoning doesn't hold water at all. You are going to identify a guy by his penis size? Give me a break. That's almost the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. The fact that you asked me if I could remember their penis sizes scares me. It's like you think I enjoyed it. Do you really think that when I was being raped that something like that would even cross my mind? Also, what does that have to do with anything? It doesn't matter what sizes their penises were. They could have been hung like horses or as small as pencils. It still was rape. It still would have hurt no matter what size they were.
"I don't want to say something to you that they might have said (this is why I seased my asking for dirty talk during sex)." You stopped asking for dirty talk, but you would bring it up nearly every month when you brought up the fact that I wasn't giving you what you wanted in bed. I could tell that you resented me for not giving you what you wanted. That's another control issue. You wanted to change me into something that I'm not. You wanted the power and the control to be able to do that. I can't tell you how much I hated that.

"I, in no way, intend on hurting you, and will do anything to keep from hurting you." You don't want to hurt me? Then why did you keep bringing up the sex thing nearly every month when you knew how much it hurt me? Why did you ask me the penis sizes of the guys who raped me? Why did you tell me that fat girls put more effort into sex than thinner girls because they don't get it as much and they want what they get to be good? Then, tell me I was the best sex partner you'd ever had? If you didn't want to hurt me, then why did you ruin Valentine's Day? Why did you ruin my birthday by acting like an ass? If you didn't want to hurt me, why did you go back on your word when you said that you wouldn't talk to Misty about anything but the kids? If you didn't want to hurt me, then why did you bring up the sex thing the night of April 21, when I was shaking so bad that I couldn't control it? You didn't have any regard whatsoever for what I was going through that night. I told you that I had had a bad day and you just made it worse. I find the, "I, in no way, intend on hurting you, and will do anything to keep from hurting you," statement to be total bullshit. You vociferously proclaim your innocence, but then you turn around and do or say something so blindingly hurtful or stupid as to be unbelievable.

"Have I ever hit you? Have I ever acted like I was going to hit you?" No, you have never hit me or acted like you wanted to hit me. What you did was more subtle. You took advantage of me emotionally. That's why it took me so long to realize what was going on, because you weren't hitting me.

"Have I ever begged you for sex when you said you weren't in the mood?" No, you have never outright begged for sex when I wasn't in the mood. You have, however, pouted, and when I told you I felt guilty, continued to pout like a spoiled child. You have done it several times, knowing how it makes me feel. That's manipulation. You kept bringing up the fact that I wasn't giving you what you wanted in the bedroom when you knew how much I hated it. You knew that it made me feel like a bad person, like I wasn't good enough. I told you these things. And the fact that you kept bringing it up month after month after month shows that you were trying to manipulate me into doing what you wanted.

". Let's pretend that I do have the mind of a rapist. Does simply having the same thouht patterns of a rapist make you one? Does having the mind of a criminal make you a criminal? Does holding a gun to the head of you sleeping father make you a killer? NO! In fact, police departments and federal agencies hire people with criminal minds all the time. These people use there skill for good. I'm not sure, but I think that there are men AND WOMEN out there who have minds that work similar to mine to help protect their friends and loved ones. I used my "criminal mind" to think of how I could track down these guys, but, unfortunatley, I came to many dead ends." Are you really comparing yourself to F.B.I. profilers? Do you really expect me to believe that bullshit? You are living in a fantasy world, Ryk. Oh, and thanks for bringing up the fact that I attempted to shoot my father in his sleep. I guess that's another time when you didn't want to hurt me. You are so unbelievable.

This is part of what you wrote in your lj:
"This is a message to all my friends and their friends. My name is Richard A. Tatum II, but many of you know me as Ryk. As many of you all know for the past 7 months I have been in a relationship with a woman named yehovahyireh. Over the past week something really strange occurred. In what seemed like less than 24 hours, went from in love with me to hating me. I don't know why. She broke up with me stating that she felt we were trying to hard to make it work. But, after more conversation she told me that she had a dream that SHE was raping ME "with a 10-inch strap on". She told me that she enjoyed the dream. She said that I had "the mind of a rapist". When I asked for an explanation, she didn't give one. She said she just didn't want to talk, and that it was over. I later called her and asked her to talk to me face-to-face just to bring some cloture to the relationship; she agreed, but never did. A few days after the break up we were chatting online and it seemed as if things were just fine. I began to tell her that I missed her and that I loved her and she jumped off line and did not answer her phone. For the next couple of days she didn't answer her phone. So, I went to her house. She answered the door and came out. I asked for an explanation, she still refused to give one and told me to leave. I begged and pleaded for an explanation and still nothing. She closed the door. I sat on the hood of my car in hopes that she would come around and come talk to me. Instead, either she or her father called the police on me. The police showed up and talked to me outside the house, and her inside. At this point I was in tears,and one officer questioned if I was okay. I couldn't talk. The officer that talked to her came out and politely told me to leave. He said that her dad was going to call UALR campus police and notify them of the situation and that I should not be anywhere near her. I told him I would try to stay away. I climbed into my car and cried for a minute, then I left and cried more on the way home.

I have no clue what is going on. I know that she takes antidepressants, and has lately been taking Vicodin as a "pain reliever". I know that she has friends that influence her in the wrong ways. I know that she has been abused in the past many times in many different ways.I fear that something maybe wrong with her that she is not saying. I fear that there is a bigger influence in her life and that she may still be being abused. If anybody who reads this know anything more than that please let me know. I have nothing to offer to you but a lifetime of gratitude. Who knows, it may even help save her. Please pass this to your friends and their friends. You can also email me at theblackguy81@yahoo.com.
And to yehovahyireh--because I know this will find its way to you--I am concerned. Please contact me. I love you.

Thanks to all of you who care.

Ok, let's take this bit by bit.
"In what seemed like less than 24 hours, went from in love with me to hating me." I don't hate you, Ryk. Jesus, I just don't want to be in a relationship with you.

"But, after more conversation she told me that she had a dream that SHE was raping ME "with a 10-inch strap on". She told me that she enjoyed the dream." I knew that you would use that against me. Thanks again for not hurting me. I told you that I hated myself after I had that dream and that I felt like a sick freak for enjoying it. It scared me.

"So, I went to her house. She answered the door and came out. I asked for an explanation, she still refused to give one and told me to leave. I begged and pleaded for an explanation and still nothing. She closed the door. I sat on the hood of my car in hopes that she would come around and come talk to me. Instead, either she or her father called the police on me. The police showed up and talked to me outside the house, and her inside. At this point I was in tears,and one officer questioned if I was okay. I couldn't talk. The officer that talked to her came out and politely told me to leave. He said that her dad was going to call UALR campus police and notify them of the situation and that I should not be anywhere near her. I told him I would try to stay away. I climbed into my car and cried for a minute, then I left and cried more on the way home." What did you expect me to do? You were acting like a psycho. You assume that you can just come out here when I haven't been talking to you for almost a week and you think that you can just walk in and talk and everything will be ok? You think this because that is what happened before when you came over here unannounced. You seem to think you have to control the situation and when you can't you act like a psychotic stalker.

" I know that she takes antidepressants, and has lately been taking Vicodin as a "pain reliever". I know that she has friends that influence her in the wrong ways. I know that she has been abused in the past many times in many different ways.I fear that something maybe wrong with her that she is not saying. I fear that there is a bigger influence in her life and that she may still be being abused. If anybody who reads this know anything more than that please let me know. I have nothing to offer to you but a lifetime of gratitude. Who knows, it may even help save her." So, you think that portraying me as a depressed drug addict isn't manipulating and abusive? You want me to give up my two best friends whom I have known for nearly 10 years for you? You want me to be isolated from them so that you can have control of what I do. You want me to think they are bad influences so that you will be my only influence. You don't like them, because they saw you for who you are from the very first and told me the truth from the very first. Just because I took two Vicodin does not make me a drug addict. Yes, I did it to escape for awhile. You hypocrite, you do the same thing with sex. So, who exactly do you think is abusing me? My crippled father or Sally and Tanya who are closer to me than sisters? You are so full of shit.

This is one of the poems that you wrote on your lj:
"What are you running from?
From me?
From you?
From the questionable pain that I caused you?
From the real pain that you have caused me,
That found its way back to you?
You have made unfair claims of me
And offer nothing to support these claims,
And I have listened.
Horrified by what you have said of me,
And HURT by your method of delivery,
I have listened.
But when I ask you for explaination,
When I ask you 15 critical minutes
You deny me the human courtesy of conversation.
What are you hiding from?
Why do you take pill to make you numb?
Are you afraid to feel?
If I have cause you any harm
Wouldn't the pain serve as a reminder
To stay away from me?
But, I haven't caused you any pain.
So, do you take the pills
To keep from feeling the pain
You have caused yourself?
I am by no means a model Christian.
You are much closer than I am.
You pray more and read more.
So, when you pray
Pray that God would send me an answer
For why you view me the way you do.
And when you read,
Read about how Jesus lost His cool in the temple
But didn't fail to explain why.
Why do you chase crazy notions?
Why do you let the wrong influence rule you?
I could chase a crazy notion
Of a cheating girlfriend,
Who cheated her way to an STD.
But as loving as she was
She didn't want to pass it to her loving boyfriend.
So, she quit having sex with him.
And realized that if she stayed with him
They would at some point have sex,
And he would have the disease.
So, she broke up with him.
And, in keeping with her fear of accepting blame,
Found a way to blame it all on him.
A conceivable notion,
But utterly rediculous.
And I wouldn't believe it.
My favorite band--Staind--just released to radio their new single.
It's called "Right Here".
The jist of the song is
That no matter what crap someone throws at you,
I feel cheated.
I feel wronged.
But, despite these feelings
I want to stand tall beside you
And say Let's work this out.
Let's get your life together.
And I say louder than anything else
I LOVE YOU!
You can still stand by them.
You are your biggest problem.
You are your greatest fear.
You are your toughest obstacle.
You are your own worst enemy.
Let me stand beside you
And hold your hand
While you figure this out.
I will be as supportive
As I can.
I LOVE YOU!
For All Time.

--Ryk

"A pill to make you numb; a pill to make you dumb; a pill to make you anybody else. But all the drugs in this world won't save her from herself."
--Marilyn Manson"

Sentence by sentence, thought by thought:
"From the questionable pain that I caused you?"
The hurt you cause me is not "questionable". It's real. You keep trying to paint me as the bad guy in all of this and yourself as the victim. You don't believe that you caused me pain? Most abusers don't believe that they cause pain and never take responsibility for anything, just like you do. Nothing is ever your fault is it?

"And I have listened.
Horrified by what you have said of me,
And HURT by your method of delivery,
I have listened."
You asked me to tell you. In fact, you badgered me to tell you what was on my mind. Then, when I do tell you, you blame me for hurting you?

"Why do you take pill to make you numb?
Are you afraid to feel?
If I have cause you any harm
Wouldn't the pain serve as a reminder
To stay away from me?
But, I haven't caused you any pain.
So, do you take the pills
To keep from feeling the pain
You have caused yourself?"
Again, taking two Vicodin does not make me a drug addict. You think you haven't caused me any pain? Why are we here then? You are in denial and again trying to play the victim and make me look like the bad person. I took those pills because I wanted to sleep. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about everything you have said and done. I couldn't sleep because you were acting like a psycho. Oh yeah, thanks for not hurting me again by not using that against me.

"Why do you chase crazy notions?
Why do you let the wrong influence rule you?
I could chase a crazy notion
Of a cheating girlfriend,
Who cheated her way to an STD.
But as loving as she was
She didn't want to pass it to her loving boyfriend.
So, she quit having sex with him.
And realized that if she stayed with him
They would at some point have sex,
And he would have the disease.
So, she broke up with him.
And, in keeping with her fear of accepting blame,
Found a way to blame it all on him."
Are you serious? If anyone would cheat, it wouldn't be me. I didn't try to change you and ask you for things in bed that you were uncomfortable with. I didn't talk to my ex-boyfriend and tell him all about our relationship. I didn't compare you sexually to my ex-boyfriend. I didn't tell you constantly that my ex-boyfriend was the best sex partner I'd ever had. I wasn't still sexually attracted to my ex-boyfriend.

I can't even go into the other poem you put on your lj because it's just redundant at this point. You say you don't know why this is happening, but it's been coming for awhile, Ryk. You say you've never hurt me, but I've told you time and time again that you have and you ignored me. You say you don't know when you hurt me, but I think you do. If you didn't, you would be an idiot and you are not an idiot. Don't expect me to believe that lame excuse. I read your email you sent me that you were thinking of admitting yourself to a mental hospital. Jesus, Ryk, can you for once not be so damn dramatic? This is just another attempt to make me out to be the predator and you the victim. Oh, poor little Ryk has been done wrong by his bitchy, psychotic, drug addicted girlfriend. Give me a fucking break.

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