29.6.05

I'm A Good Girl. I Swear.

I feel:: horny
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~I'm Not In Love

I'm going to have to accept these feelings I'm having for J. I don't have to act on them, by any means. The fact that I want to jump him every time I see him doesn't mean that I should or that I will. God made me to feel these feelings for whomever becomes my husband. The timing is wrong. I should save these feelings for when I'm married. (If that does ever happen, I think I'll die of shock.)

I find myself noticing small things about him that excite me: the way he smells, or the way his skin feels, the sound of his voice or the touch of his hand. It is hard for me, especially when the more I get to know him, the more I find out things about his personality that I like. It's too soon for me to be feeling this way. I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I can't control myself. When I think about him sometimes, I get breathless and I just ache to touch him. I know these feelings I'm experiencing are all sexual. Why am I trying to make it anything other than what it is? I find myself asking,"How many times am I going to have to redirect my thoughts when I'm around him? How many times am I going to have to go to God and ask forgiveness for being in lust?" And I am. I totally am. Am I totally psycho?

I've been praying a lot about this. It's funny-weird that just as I decide to rededicate my life to God and just as I get out of an abusive relationship that this would happen. Just after I begin to start every day with earnest prayer and really seeking the Holy Spirit, this happens. It seems like it's too coincidental. I suppose it's partly my fault. I don't set boundaries and I'm too much of a spectator in my own life. I act like a victim. It's no wonder that I get treated like one.

My footinmouthchewvigorously moment for today: My friend from school, Ginger, whom I saw almost every day the semester before last and who invited me to her house for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, saw me drive into the parking lot of Petsmart earlier today. She started walking toward my car waving and smiling at me. I got out of my car and hugged her. The first thing I said was,"Are you still working at the salon?" She said, confused,"I never worked at a salon. I worked at the freaky teddy bear making place." I thought she was my old friend Jennifer. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

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